"Families are definitely the training ground for forgiveness. At some point you forgive the people in your family for being stuck together in all this weirdness, and when you can do that, you can learn to forgive anyone... Not forgiving someone is like drinking rat poison and expecting the rats to die.” -- Anne Lamott
When you get triggered with your child, you automatically
move into "fight or flight." It's hard to love unconditionally. Of course, your child might need you to set a clear, kind limit, but you'll do
that better if you aren't seeing him as the enemy while you're doing it.
Often, we think it's our child's fault that we get triggered. But do you ever wonder when those triggers were built into your psyche? That's
right -- during your own childhood. Those are your triggers, and life will keep triggering you until you heal them.
It's hard to love unconditionally when part of our heart is closed off behind the bars of anger or resentment. If you want to liberate your heart to
access all the love there, you have to heal your old wounds.
Most of us didn't have perfect childhoods. Perhaps you got the message that you weren't good enough somehow. Too needy, too angry, too selfish, too
lazy, too careless...too childish? Our parents, however well-intentioned, were products of their time, and most of us didn't get the message that we
were wholly loved, human imperfections and all.
Now -- and this is the hard part -- it’s time to let that anger go. Stay with me here. I'm not asking you to call whoever hurt you and "forgive" them.
In fact, you never need to speak to them again. This is not about them, at all.
This is about you. Because, as Anne Lamott says, drinking rat poison doesn't hurt the rats. Carrying around resentment poisons our hearts and keeps us
from feeling loved.
Worse yet, that anger keeps us from loving as we'd like to. It changes the way you relate to your child, even when you don’t know it. It keeps you from
being the parent you want to be; the parent your child deserves.
It’s easy to stay angry. They deserve it, after all. And even if we want to move on, most of us find it so difficult. The minute we begin, that wounded
child inside us screams in pain. To fend off the pain, we stay angry. But that hurts us, and our kids, and whose life is it, anyway? Letting your childhood
determine your happiness level is like letting the waiter eat your dinner.
Here's the secret. This is not about "forgiveness." The way past the anger is not "making up" with whoever wronged you. The secret is being willing to
accept that what happened did indeed happen, and feel the pain of what you suffered even when every part of you is screaming NO. To cry through
it and comfort yourself. As Oprah says, "Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past could have been any different." Once you offer yourself
that healing, you won’t need to hang onto the anger. Or the rat poison.
1. Find that small child who was you, and acknowledge his or her pain. Summon up all your compassion and embrace that little one. Say
your truth. "I felt unprotected....unappreciated...unloved....hurt." Whatever is true for you. Allow yourself to feel that pain.Hug and love
yourself, and breathe through it. Once you let yourself feel the pain -- in your own loving embrace -- you won't need to fend it off with your anger.
Depending on the rawness of your wounds, you might need a loving "witness" with you to do this.
Once you've worked with Step One enough that your wounds feel less raw--and that could take months--find a time when you're feeling strong and move on
to Step Two.
2. Put it in context. Now consider a different small child....The one who grew up to become your parent. Acknowledge what happened
to that child. What wounded him? What hardened her heart?
I'm not saying that whatever happened to them justified their wounding you. I'm just asking you to notice: were their childhoods perfect? Your parents,
or whoever hurt you, weren't born looking to hurt. They were simply humans who were hurt themselves, and maybe they weren't as courageous as you are
about taking responsibility, so their pain spilled over onto you. (I know you're courageous, because you're doing this work.)
You have a right to be angry. But even if they failed you in ways that most of us would consider unforgivable, they were wounded themselves. You don't
have to forgive them. But if you can see their woundedness, it's easier to move on. Remember, this is not for their benefit. It is for yours.
3. Move on. Express your willingness and intention to move toward healing. You might say something like "What you did was not ok. Every child deserves better. I deserved better. I ask for the grace to move on. Please help us all to heal. Thank you."
You might have to do this more than once, but I'm betting you'll feel lighter. Do you need to phrase it as asking for help? No, not at all. You might just
be able to find that healing in your heart. But most of us need a little help from a deeper source of healing, whether you see that source as within
you or without. And when we ask for help, somehow we make room for grace.
Just too hard to let go of what happened? We've all been there. That’s a defense against the pain. Your anger keeps that pain away -- by walling it up
inside your heart. In our next post. we'll talk about how to heal those hurts so you can move on.
Today is Step Four of Ten Steps to Unconditional Love: Are You Drinking Rat Poison? Heal Your Childhood.
The first three steps were:
1. Forgive yourself for not being perfect: Your 12 Step Program to Become a Recovering Perfectionist
2. Unconditional love is like a muscle. It needs a daily workout.
3. Want to wake up jazzed about the day ahead? Commit to radical self-care.
Want More? We're exploring each of the ten steps in more detail over the next few weeks. Join us for some heart stretches!