Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings

Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings

In this insightful book, Dr. Markham draws on scientific research to craft smart strategies that any parent can use to help their children resolve their conflicts with empathy, mindfulness and peace. A must-read for every parent.

Dr. Shefali Tsabary

author of The Conscious Parent and Out of Control

This book delivers hope and help. Laura Markham brilliantly applies her respectful, attuned, limit-setting approach to sibling dynamics. Full of realistic scenarios and scripts for how parents can turn conflict into opportunities to build skills, and turn parental dread into meaningful intervention. Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings masterfully coaches parents on how to honor each child's experience, set limits, reduce conflict, and build skills for life.

Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

co-author of The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline

References 

Introduction

1Stormshak, Elizabeth A., Bullock, Bernadette M., and Falkenstein, Corrina A. “Harnessing the Power of Sibling Relationships as a Tool for Optimizing Social-Emotional Development. (2009). In L. Kramer & K.J. Conger (Eds.), Siblings As Agents of Socialization. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development. 126, 61-77. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

Part 1

1Brody, G. H. (1998). “Sibling Relationship Quality: Its Causes and Consequences.Annual Review Psychology, vol. 49: 1–24.

Chapter 1

1Kohn, Alfie (2006). Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason. New York: Atria Books.

2Brody, G. H. (1998). “Sibling Relationship Quality: Its Causes and Consequences.Annual Review Psychology, vol. 49: 1–24.

3Siegel, Daniel, and Hartzell, Mary (2004). Parenting from the Inside Out. New York: Tarcher

Siegel, Dan. “The Low Road,” PsychAlive, March 3, 2011. youtube.com/watch?v=WkEcpBU3TpE.

4Benson, Herbert (2000). The Relaxation Response. New York: HarperTorch.

5Restak, Richard (1980). The Brain: The Last Frontier. New York: Warner Books.

6Schore, Allan (2003). Affect Regulation and Repair of the Self. New York: WW Norton & Company.

7Gottman, John and Declaire, Joan (1998). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting  New York: Simon & Schuster.

8Bronson, Po, and Merryman, Ashley (2009). Nurture Shock. New York: Hachette, p. 128.

9Schore, Allan (2003). Affect Regulation and Repair of the Self. New York: WW Norton & Company.

10Sunderland, Margot (2008). The Science of Parenting. London: DK Adult.

Schore, Allan (2003). Affect Regulation and Repair of the Self. New York: WW Norton & Company.

 

Chapter 2

1Brody, G. H. (1998). “Sibling Relationship Quality: Its Causes and Consequences.Annual Review Psychology,vol. 49: 1–24. Stormshak, Elizabeth A., Bullock, Bernadette M., and Falkenstein, Corrina A. (2009). “Harnessing the Power of Sibling Relationships as a Tool for Optimizing Social-Emotional Development.” In L. Kramer and K. J. Conger (eds.), Siblings As Agents of Socialization. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development, vol. 126: 61–77. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

2Stormshak, Bullock, and Falkenstein. “Harnessing the Power of Sibling Relationships as a Tool for Optimizing Social-Emotional Development.”

3Brody, G. H., Stoneman, Z., and McCoy, J. K. (1994). “Contributions of Family Relationships and Child Temperaments to Longitudinal Variations in Sibling Relationship Quality and Sibling Relationship Styles.” Journal of Family Psychology, vol. 8, no. 3: 274–86.

4, 5, Kohn, Alfie (2005). Unconditional Parenting. New York: Atria.

6Brody, G. H., and Shaffer, D. R. (1982). “Contributions of Parents and Peers to Children’s Moral Socialization. Developmental Review, vol. 2: 31–75.

7Kochanska, G. (1993). “Toward a Synthesis of Parental Socialization and Child Temperament in Early Stages of Conscience. Child Development, vol. 64: 325–47.

8Baumrind, Diana. (1967). Child care practices anteceding three patterns of preschool behavior. Genetic Psychology Monographs, 75(1), 43-88

9Siegel, D. J., and Bryson, T. P. “Timeouts Are Hurting Your Child.” Time Magazine, September 23, 2014.

11Taylor, Catherine A., Manganello, Jennifer A., Lee, Shawna J., and Rice, Janet C. “Mothers’ Spanking of 3-Year-Old Children and Subsequent Risk of Children’s Aggressive Behavior.” Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics. Originally published online, April 12, 2010. DOI: 10.1542/peds. 2009-2678.

12Chapman, Michael, and Zahn-Waxler, Carolyn (1982). “Young Children’s Compliance and Noncompliance to Parental Discipline in a Natural Setting.” International Journal of Behavioral Development, vol. 5: 90.

13Hoffman, Martin (1970). “Moral Development.” In Paul H. Mussen (ed.), Carmichael’s Manual of Child Psychology, 3rd ed., vol. 2. New York: Wiley.

14Kohn, Alfie (1999). Punished by Rewards. New York: Mariner Books.

15Ibid.

16Kramer, Laurie. (2010) “The Essential Ingredients of Successful Sibling Relationships: An Emerging Framework for Advancing Theory and Practice.” Child Development Perspectives, vol 4, no 2, pp 80–86.

17Pike, Alison, Kretschmer, Tina, and Dunn, Judith F. (2009). “Siblings—Friends or Foes?” The Psychologist, vol. 22, part 6 (June): 494–97.

18Mora-Ripoll Ramo. (2010). “The therapeutic value of laughter in medicine.” Alternative Therapies in Health and Medicine. Vol 16, no. 6: 56-64.

Carr, J. and Greeves, L. (2006) Only Joking: What's So Funny About Making People Laugh? New York: Penguin/Gotham (Chapter 2). Flindt, T. (2014 ). Happy Lemons: How Laughter Breeds Success. Amazon Digital: Pine Tribe Ltd. (Chapter 1). van Vugt, M., Hardy, C., Stow, J., and Dunbar, R. (2012). “Laughter as Social Lubricant: A Biosocial Hypothesis about the Pro-social Functions of Laughter and Humor.” (submitted.) 

Chapter 3

1Faber, Adele, and Mazlish, Elaine (1987). Siblings Without Rivalry. New York: Avon Books.

2Munn, Penny, and Dunn, Judith (1989). “Temperament and the Developing Relationship Between Siblings.” International Journal of Behavioral Development, vol. 12, no. 4: 433–51.

3Legg, Cecily, Sherick, Ivan, and Wadland, William (1974). “Reaction of Preschool Children to the Birth of a Sibling.” Child Psychiatry and Human Development, vol. 5, no. 1: 3–39.

4Dunn, J., Kendrick, C., and MacNamee, R. (1981). “The Reaction of Firstborn Children to the Birth of a Sibling: Mothers’ Reports.Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, vol. 22: 1–18.

5Brody, G. H., Stoneman, Z., and Burke, M. (1987). “Child Temperaments, Maternal Differential Behavior, and Sibling Relationships.” Developmental Psychology, vol. 23: 354–62.

6Brody, G. H. (1998). “Sibling Relationship Quality: Its Causes and Consequences.” Annual Review of Psychology, vol. 49: 1–24. Stocker, C., Dunn, J., and Plomin, R. (1989). “Sibling Relationships: Links with Child Temperament, Maternal Behavior, and Family Structure.” Child Development, vol. 60: 715–27.

7Mash, E. J., and Johnson, C. (1983). “Sibling Interactions of Hyperactive and Normal Children and Their Relationship to Reports of Maternal Stress and Self-Esteem. Journal of Clinical Child Psychology, vol. 12: 91–99.

8Stoneman, Z., and Brody, G. H. (1993). “Sibling Temperaments, Conflict, Warmth, and Role Asymmetry.Child Development, vol. 64: 1786–1800.

9Brody, G. H., Stoneman, Z., and Gauger, K. (1996). “Parent-Child Relationships, Family Problem Solving Behavior, and Sibling Relationship Quality: The Moderating Role of Sibling Temperaments.Child Development, vol. 67: 1289–1300.

10Buhrmester, D., and Furman, W. (1990). “Perceptions of Sibling Relationships During Middle Childhood and Adolescence.” Child Development, vol. 61: 1387–98.

11Dunn, Judy (1995). From One Child to Two. New York: Fawcett Books, p. 134.

12Siegel, Daniel. (2012) The Developing Mind, Second Edition: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. New York: The Guilford Press. pp 52.

13Dunn, Judith, Kendrick, Carol, and MacNamee, Rosanne (1981). “The Reaction of First-Born Children to the Birth of a Sibling: Mothers’ Reports.” Journal of Child Psychology, vol. 22: 1–18.

14Royce, Rachel A. (2006). “Birth Spacing—The Long and Short of It.” Journal of the American Medical Association. Vol 295, no 15: 1837-1838

15Werner, Emmy E. (1993). “Risk, resilience, and recovery: Perspectives from the Kauai Longitudinal Study.” Development and Psychopathology (Impact Factor: 4.4). Vol 5 No 4: 503 – 515. Also, subsequent personal email communication with lead researcher.

16Buhrmester, D., and Furman, W. (1990). “Perceptions of Sibling Relationships During Middle Childhood and Adolescence.” Child Development, vol. 61: 1387–98.

17Stewart, Robert B., Mobley, Linda A., Van Tuyl, Susan S., and Salvador, Myrna A. (1987). “The Firstborn’s Adjustment to the Birth of a Sibling: A Longitudinal Assessment. Child Development, vol. 58: 341–55.

18Buhrmester, D., and Furman, W. (1990). “Perceptions of Sibling Relationships During Middle Childhood and Adolescence.” Child Development, vol. 61: 1387–98.

19Brody, G. H. (1998). “Sibling Relationship Quality: Its Causes and Consequences.” Annual Review of Psychology, vol. 49: 1–24. Bryant, Brenda K., and Crockenberg, Susan B. (1980). “Correlates and Dimensions of Prosocial Behavior: A Study of Female Siblings with Their Mothers.” Child Development, vol. 51: 529–44. Staub, E. (1975). The Development of Prosocial Behavior in Children. New York: General Learning.

20Brody, G. H., Stoneman, Z., and Burke, M. (1987). “Child Temperaments, Maternal Differential Behavior, and Sibling Relationships.” Developmental Psychology, vol. 23: 354–62. Stocker, C., and McHale, S. (1992). “The Nature and Family Correlates of Preadolescents’ Perceptions of Their Sibling Relationships.” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, vol. 9: 179–95. Brody, G. H., Stoneman, Z., and McCoy, J. (1992). “Associations of Maternal and Paternal Direct and Differential Behavior with Sibling Relationships: Contemporaneous and Longitudinal Analyses,” Child Development, vol. 63: 82–92.

21Brody, G. H., Stoneman, Z., and Gauger, K. (1996). “Parent-Child Relationships, Family Problem Solving Behavior, and Sibling Relationship Quality: The Moderating Role of Sibling Temperaments.Child Development,vol. 67, 1289–1300.

Chapter 4

1Dunn, J., and Munn, P. (1986). “Sibling Quarrels and Maternal Intervention: Individual Differences in Understanding Aggression.” Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, vol. 27: 583–95.

2Ross, Hildy, Ross, Michael, Stein, Nancy, and Trabasso, Tom. “How Siblings Resolve Their Conflicts” (2006). Child Development, vol. 77, no. 6: 1730–45.

3Bronson, Po, and Merryman, Ashley (2009). Nurture Shock. New York: Hachette. p. 119.

4Kramer, Laurie, and Gottman, John (1992). “Becoming a Sibling: With a Little Help from My Friends.” Developmental Psychology, vol. 28, no. 4: 685–99.

5Ibid.

6Dunn, Judith, Brown, Jane, and Beardsall, Lynn (1991). “Family Talk About Feeling States and Children’s Later Understanding of Others’ Emotions.” Developmental Psychology, vol. 27, no. 3: 448–55.

7Brody, G. H., Stoneman, Z., McCoy, J. K., and Forehand, R. (1992). “Contemporaneous and Longitudinal Associations of Sibling Conflict with Family Relationship Assessments and Family Discussions About Sibling Problems.Child Development, vol. 63: 391–400.

Chapter 5

1Piaget, Jean (1997). The Moral Judgment of the Child. Glencoe, Ill.: The Free Press.

2Felson, Richard B. (1983). “Aggression and Violence Between Siblings.” Social Psychology Quarterly, vol. 46, no. 4, 271–85.

3Siegel, A. E., and Kohn, L. G. (1959). “Permissiveness, Permission, and Aggression: The Effect of Adult Presence or Absence on Aggression in Children’s Play.” Child Development, vol. 30: 131–41.

4Perlman, Michal, and Ross, Hildy S. (1997). “The Benefits of Parent Intervention in Children’s Disputes: An Examination of Concurrent Changes in Children’s Fighting Styles.” Child Development, vol. 64, no. 4: 690–700.

5Perlman and Ross. “The Benefits of Parent Intervention in Children’s Disputes: An Examination of Concurrent Changes in Children’s Fighting Styles.” Dunn, Judy, and Munn, Penny (1986). “Sibling Quarrels and Maternal Intervention: Individual Differences in Understanding and Aggression.” Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, vol. 27, no. 5: 585–95.

6Lansbury, Janet (2014). No Bad Kids. Self-published. Lansbury, Janet. “Helping Kids Resolve Conflicts (Rules of Engagement),” blog post, September 5, 2013. janetlansbury.com/2013/09/helping-toddlers-resolve-conflicts-rules-of-engagement.

7Cohen, Lawrence (2002). Playful Parenting. New York: Ballantine. Cohen, Lawrence (2013). The Opposite of Worry. New York: Ballantine. DeBenedet, Anthony, and Cohen, Lawrence (2011). The Art of Roughousing. Philadelphia: Quirk Books.

8Bushman, Brad J. (2002) “Does Venting Anger Feed or Extinguish the Flame? Catharsis, Rumination, Distraction, Anger, and Aggressive Responding.” Society for Personality and Social Psychology Vol. 28 No. 6: 724-731.

9Kendrick, C., and Dunn, J. (1983). “Sibling Quarrels and Maternal Responses.” Developmental Psychology, vol. 19: 62–70.

Chapter 6

1Shumaker, Heather (2012). It’s Okay Not to Share. New York: Tarcher/Penguin.

2Eisenberg, Nancy (2009). “Eight Tips to Developing Caring Kids,” in David Streight (ed.), Good Things to Do: Expert Suggestions for Fostering Goodness in Kids. Portland: The Center for Spiritual and Ethical Education.

Chapter 7

1Kowal, Amanda, and Kramer, Laurie (1997). “Children’s Understanding of Parental Differential Treatment.” Child Development, vol. 68, no. 1 (February): 113–26.

2Faber, Adele, and Mazlish, Elaine (1987). Siblings Without Rivalry. New York: Avon Books. Pp 51.

3Cartmell, Todd (2003) Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan. (There’s a wealth of research on differential treatment by parents causing sibling rivalry; Cartmell’s book cites a number of studies.)

4Dunn, J. (1988). “Annotation: Sibling Influences on Childhood Development.” Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, vol. 29, no. 2: 119–27.

5Faber, Adele, and Mazlish, Elaine (1987). Siblings Without Rivalry. New York: Avon Books, p. 54.

6Sears, William. “20 Tips to Stop Quibbling Siblings and Promote Sibling Harmony,” Ask Dr. Sears, askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-behavior/bothersome-behaviors/sibling-rivalry/20-tips-stop-quibbling.

7Faber, Adele, and Mazlish, Elaine (1987). Siblings Without Rivalry. New York: Avon Books. p. 87.

8Gable, S., Gonzaga, G., and Strachman, A. (2006). “Will You Be There for Me When Things Go Right? Supportive Responses to Positive Event Disclosures.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, vol. 91, no. 5, 904–17.

9Kowal, Amanda, and Kramer, Laurie (1997). “Children’s Understanding of Parental Differential Treatment.” Child Development, vol. 68, no. 1 (February): 113–26.

10Bay-Hinitz, A. K., Peterson, R. F., and Quilitch, H. R. (1994). “Lucasative Games: A Way to Modify Aggressive and Lucasative Behaviors in Young Children.” Journal of Applied Behavioral Analysis, vol. 27, no. 3 (Fall): 435–46.

11Solter, Aletha J. Helping Young Children Flourish. (1989) Goleta, CA: Shining Star Press. Pp.114.

12Cohen, Lawrence (2002). Playful Parenting. New York: Ballantine.

13Jefferson T., Herbst J. H., McCrae R. R. (1998). "Associations between birth order and personality traits: Evidence from self-reports and observer ratings". Journal of Research in Personality. 32 (4): 498–509

14Cartmell, T. (2003) Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

Chapter 8

1Kramer, Laurie. “Focus: Fostering Sibling Relations.” Illinois Public Media, January 26, 2011. youtube.com/watch?v=337kYpjMgM0.

2Stark, V. (2006). My Sister, My Self. New York: McGraw-Hill.

3Sears, William. “20 Tips to Stop Quibbling Siblings and Promote Sibling Harmony.” Ask Dr. Sears, askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-behavior/bothersome-behaviors/sibling-rivalry/20-tips-stop-quibbling.

4Bronson, Po, and Merryman, Ashley (2009). Nurture Shock. New York: Hachette, p. 122.

5Gottman, J.M.(2002) The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. New York: Crown/Harmony.

6Carter, Christine (2011). Raising Happiness. New York: Ballantine.

7McCready, Amy (2012). If I Have to Tell You One More Time. New York: Tarcher/Penguin, p. 231.

8Pike, Alison, Kretschmer, Tina, and Dunn, Judith F. (2009). “Siblings—Friends or Foes?” The Psychologist, vol. 22, part 6 (June): 494–97.

Chapter 9

1American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, “Frequently Asked Questions,” acog.org/~/media/For%20Patients/faq090.pdf?dmc=1&ts=20131206T0815450980.

2Dunn, Judith, and Brown, Jane (1991). “Family Talk About Feeling States and Children’s Later Understanding of Others’ Emotions.” Developmental Psychology, vol. 27, no. 3: 448–55.

3Findeisen, Barbara, and Lipton, Bruce (2002). Nature, Nurture, and the Power of Love: The Biology of Conscious Parenting. 120 minutes, VHS or PAL. Distributed by Spirit 2000, P.O. Box 41126, Memphis, TN 38174-1126, info@spirit2000.com, 800-284-8045 (U.S. only), spirit2000.com.

4Cohen, Lawrence (2002). Playful Parenting. New York: Ballantine.

5Palmer, Linda F. (2002) “The Chemistry of Attachment.” Attachment Parenting International News, vol. 5, no. 2. attachmentparenting.org/support/articles/chemistry

6Sheryl Paul, Conscious Transitions (blog), conscious-transitions.com/blog.

7Samalin, Nancy. (1997) Loving Each One Best: A Caring and Practical Approach to Raising Siblings. New York: Bantam

Chapter 10

1Personal communication, July 15, 1995.

2DeBenedet, Anothony T. and Cohen, Lawrence. (2010) The Art of Roughhousing: Good Old-Fashioned Horseplay and Why Every Kid Needs It. Philadelphia: Quirk Books.

3Nelsen, J. Lott, L., Glenn, S. (1993). Positive Discipline A to Z. Rockli, CA: Prima Publishing. pp 31.

4Legg, Cecily, Sherick, Ivan, and Wadland, William (1994). “Reaction of Preschool Children to the Birth of a Sibling.” Child Psychiatry and Human Development. vol. 5, no. 1: 3–39.

5Bailey, Becky (2000). I Love You Rituals. New York: HarperCollins.

6Kramer, Laurie, Noorman, Sonia, and Brockman, Renee (1999). “Representations of Sibling Relationships in Young Children’s Literature.” Early Childhood Research Quarterly, vol. 14, no. 4: 555–74.

7Gottman, John (1998), Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. New York: Simon and Schuster.

8Dunn, J., and Kendrick, C. (1982). Siblings: Love, Envy and Understanding. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Chapter 11

1Cicirelli, V. G. (1977). “Family Structure and Interaction: Sibling Effects on Socialization.” In M. McMillan and M. Sergio (eds.), Child Psychiatry: Treatment and Research. New York: Brunner/Mazel.

2Brody, G. H., Stoneman, Z., and Burke, M. (1987). “Child Temperaments, Maternal Differential Behavior, and Sibling Relationships.” Developmental Psychology, vol. 23, no. 3: 354–62.

3Gerber, Magda (1998). Your Self-Confident Baby. New York: Wiley and Sons.


About The Book

As any parent of more than one child knows, it’s challenging for even the most engaged parent to maintain a peaceful home when competition, irritation and tempers run high.

In this highly anticipated guide, Dr. Markham presents simple yet powerful ways to cut through the squabbling and foster a loving, supportive bond between siblings. You really can stop the fighting and raise children who will be friends for life.

PEACEFUL PARENT, HAPPY SIBLINGS includes hands-on, research-based advice on:

  • Creating deep connections with each one of your children, so that each truly believes that you couldn’t possibly love anyone else more.
  • Fostering a loving family culture that encourages laughter and minimizes fighting.
  • Teaching your children healthy emotional self-management and conflict resolution skills—so that they can work things out with each other, get their own needs met and respect the needs of others.
  • Helping your kids forge a close lifelong sibling bond—as well as the relationship skills they will need for a life of healthy friendships, work relationships, and eventually their own family bonds.