Parenting Blog

5 Ways To Take Care of Yourself Emotionally While Raising Your Child

Fri, 17 May 2013 20:51:00 GMT

"What I start to feel is not just anger appropriate to the situation, but old feelings I carry from the past. And those feelings have nothing to do with my child or the situation. They have come up for me to take a look at them. They are part of me. But they don't belong in my relationship with my child. They have to do with me and the person who raised me." -- Laura Davis & Janis Keyser

Life is full of emotions that we don't have time to process in the moment. And if we have kids, we probably have more emotions and less time. Parenting is the hardest job there is. It gives us constant reminders of the places in us that need healing. So it's not surprising that sometimes we just need a good cry.

Most of the time when we lose it with our children, it’s because we’re lugging around a full backpack of emotions we haven’t taken the time to process. Sometimes we're actually angry at our boss, our spouse, or the clerk in the store. Sometimes we're rushing and our anxiety fuels anger at our child. But most often, we have childhood issues that get triggered by our own child's behavior.

Is it ever appropriate to get angry at your child? Well, it's unavoidable, if you're human. Like a blinking light on the dashboard, anger is a signal that you need to address something so your engine doesn't overheat. Ignoring it can be disastrous.

But anger is never a constructive impulse when aimed at your child. That "fight or flight" response makes your child look like the enemy, and your child is never the enemy. Whatever guidance your child needs will be more effective if it's offered from a place of love. And your child can't feel your love if you're angry.

Most things that make you angry with your child wouldn't trigger you if you weren't already tired, rushing, afraid your child is becoming an ungrateful brat, or worried about whether you're a good enough parent.

To avoid sloshing our own anger, anxiety and other emotions onto our child, we need to be responsible about processing our feelings as they come up. How?

1. Remind yourself to notice your mood as you go through your day. Be vigilant when negative thoughts hijack your mind and send you into a downward spiral. Before you know it, you'll be gathering kindling -- evidence that the other person is wrong ("Who does he think he is?!"). Enough kindling, and you can't avoid a firestorm. Instead, keep yourself on a positive track: "He's acting like a child because he IS a child....Don't fret the small stuff...Two steps forward, one step back still takes you in the right direction." Most of the time, there's no reason you can't be in a good mood. If you're not, check in with yourself to figure out what's happening.

2. Stop Stressing. Stress is behind 80% of our outbursts. Even when something else is going on, stress is what causes the explosion. And yet, stress is mostly a choice. If you really want to reduce the stress in your life, you can. Don't over-schedule. Don't try to do computer work or phone calls with kids present. Leave early for every appointment. Don't take kids on errands they can't handle. Is that extra errand really worth a family melt-down?

3. Nurture Yourself. Are you feeling sad or scared about something? Don't ignore your own upset. Schedule a time later to write in your journal or talk to a trusted friend. Simply breathing and accepting sadness or hurt is the best way to let those feelings go. If we can't do that, we fend them off by acting out in anger. Resist the urge to take action when you're upset. Instead, love yourself through your upset: "Breathe. It's just sadness. Go ahead and cry. You'll feel better soon."   You deserve a parent like that...So be your own!

4. If you're feeling angry, deal with the source. Can’t fire your boss or leave your four year old in the mall? Ok, but you can make a plan to prevent a replay of whatever set you off. You can’t change the other person, but you can often change the conditions. Better yet, you can consciously feel your own old emotions so they dissipate and you don't get triggered as often. When you change what you bring to the interaction, the other person always changes too.

5. If your upset has more to do with you, make healing a priority. “Vent” with someone you trust, who won’t feel a need to solve your problem but can simply listen with compassion so you feel heard and can sort things out for yourself. Or make an appointment with a counselor. If someone in your past made you miserable, shame on them. But now it's time to heal that. If you stay miserable, and visit it on your child, shame on you.

But what about in those awful moments when your child is acting like a demon and you just want to act like one yourself? We'll get to that next week with How Can You Tend to Yourself Emotionally When Your Child Pushes Your Buttons?

When you were a child, you deserved to be loved, complete with all your inconvenient feelings and desires. You deserved infinite tenderness. You still do. Why not start giving it to yourself right now?

Life Out of Balance? Put Yourself Back on the List

Thu, 16 May 2013 18:30:00 GMT

“I know one thing for sure. It is impossible to find one’s own balance from the outside in. I now know beyond a doubt that finding—and maintaining—our balance is an inside job.” – Lu Hanessian

As you go through your day, you have a running list. Change the baby, feed the toddler, teach the preschooler to pick up her toys, help the elementary schooler with homework, help the tween braid her hair, negotiate with the teen, make dinner, fold laundry, pay the bills, email your boss, connect with your spouse... the list never stops. But have you fallen off your own list?

The only way to keep your cup full in the constant vortex of parenting is to tend to yourself even while you tend to your child. That's why we need to train ourselves. Throughout your day, can you make it a priority to check in with yourself?

Often, we’re surprised to realize that we deny our desires automatically, without even noticing it. Maybe we’d love a cup of tea while we help our child with that project but “it’s too much trouble.” Maybe we really need a hug or a good cry. Maybe we’re tempted to pick up a crayon and enjoy expressing our creativity while our child is coloring, but we’d feel silly. Or maybe we simply need a quick visit to the bathroom, but we routinely wait until we absolutely can’t delay any longer.

Starting today, put what you need on the list and do it as soon as you can. Yes, it is possible. Here's how.

1. Today, at the same time that you’re taking care of your child, check in with yourself. Notice what you need. Is there anything you can give yourself right now that would help you stay in balance? Sure, you need to tend to your child. But tend to yourself at the same time, or as soon as possible. I know you can't buy a ticket to go to Hawaii, but at each moment there is some small thing that would nurture you physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually. Find it and give it to yourself.

If there's something you really need that you aren't getting, like sleep, make a plan. Let's say your infant wakes up all night and you have a toddler to tend to during the day. It's not doing your toddler any good for you to drag yourself through your life feeling resentful. You don't need to be a martyr. Figure out a way to get the help you need, even just a step in the right direction, and then another step.

2. Make it a habit to tune into yourself as often as possible throughout your day. If you work outside the home, this is usually easier to do in the course of the day, but most of us don't do it. We get hooked on the adrenaline of rushing. But you'll be better at your job if you get into the habit of being more present. And if you're home with children, it's essential. Kids respond to our presence by wanting to "follow" us. How? Just take a deep breath and let it flood your body with well-being. Breathe in calm, breathe out stress. Simply being present with yourself is an essential form of "attention" that we all need.

3. Before you pick up your child at daycare, or walk into the house, stop. Take a deep breath and ask yourself “What do you need right now, Sweetie?” Listen to whatever answer pops up. Make a deal with yourself about when you can meet that need, and how you will do it. For instance, if the answer you hear is “Love” you’ll want to find a way to work some snuggle time with your child and/or your spouse into your evening. If the answer is “A break!” you may want to order pizza for dinner and put everyone to bed early so you can take a long bath.

Of course, if you get the same answer every day, you may need to make some structural changes in your life.

4. Slow down and show up. Often we're so focused on the list that we forget to really live. But this is the only chance you get in this body, and your child really will be grown in the blink of an eye. If you're too busy to revel in your child's natural joy, you're turning up your nose at the fuel that keeps you going as a parent. What happened to that joyful, exuberant person inside you? He or she is your antidote to burnout. Yes, your children and household will demand every moment you have. But many of those moments are full of joy, if you choose to simply enjoy them. Your life doesn't have to be perfect for you to soak in every moment of goodness you can.

5. Adopt yourself. Whose job is it to nurture you? Yours. Spouses, partners, friends and families are companions on the journey, but we can only take in from them what we're able to give to ourselves. If you weren't nurtured enough as a little one, this may take some learning. Start by talking to yourself like someone you love. Nurture yourself through the hard times. Acknowledge just how hard it all is, and how hard you try. You don't need to be perfect. You are more than enough, exactly as you are. You deserve all the tenderness you would shower on a newborn baby.

Giving that love to ourselves transforms our parenting -- and our lives. Ok, so when the baby's crying and you yourself need a good cry, the baby comes first. But tuning into yourself and embracing yourself with love at the same time--and crying, if you need to--will make you both feel better. If that doesn't get the job done, watch for tomorrow's post: Can You Take Care of Yourself Emotionally While Raising Your Child?

For today, just notice your internal barometer as you put yourself back on your list. 1 is depleted, 10 is a full cup. How are you doing?

Honesty, Anger and Parenting

Thu, 16 May 2013 12:59:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura...I think we as parents need to be honest about our own anger, disappointment, sadness about our child's choices..."

I agree completely. We need to be honest about our own feelings -- with ourselves! We need to notice our emotions as they come up, take responsibility for them, and work through them. Because the truth is that every parent sometimes feels rage toward his or her child. Stuffing those feelings doesn't help anyone.

But that does NOT mean we need to "dump" our upsets on our child in the name of being honest. That's not acting like a grown-up, and it's not coaching our child to be his or her best self, either. In fact, when kids follow that modeling, it looks like tantrums. So unless there's immediate danger -- in which case you need to remove a child from harm's way -- I recommend that parents try to avoid relating to their children when they're angry.

Does that mean we aren't being honest, truthful and authentic? I don't think so. Let's take this a step at a time.

1. Most of us believe that "being authentic" means telling or showing our child how angry we are. Actually, expressing anger to another person just reinforces our anger, our internal feeling that it's an emergency. That reinforces our "fight or flight" response -- which makes the other person look like the enemy. So it's almost impossible to coach your child productively when you're angry. Acting on our anger with our child is usually the adult version of a tantrum.

2. Whose feelings are they, anyway? Sure, our kids make us MAD! But the truth is, those are our own feelings. They aren't caused by our child, they're caused by our own conclusions ("She lied to me...How dare she?!...She's going to be an immoral person!") In fact, anger is always a way of fending off our own more vulnerable feelings. We attack instead of acknowledging our own hurt, fear, grief, and powerlessness.

3. What if we were completely honest with ourselves about our feelings? That means, instead of acting on our sense of emergency and "being honest" about our anger by speaking or acting angrily towards our child, we would let ourselves feel those more upsetting, scary emotions under the anger. ("It scares me that she would lie to me....How can I trust her?....I'm afraid that she'll come to a bad end...I feel powerless to make her tell me the truth...I feel so helpless!") When we breathe our way through those more vulnerable emotions, they dissipate, and we no longer need the anger as a defense. So it melts away.

4. Are you letting your child "get away" with something? No. Once you aren't in the grip of your anger, you can intervene so much more effectively with your child. You'll have the clarity to set clear, kind limits and to coach your child through his big emotions. But you'll be doing it for your child's optimal development, not because you're mad, or sad, or disappointed. We all have those feelings sometimes. But they are never our child's responsibility, even if we're responding to our child's behavior.

5. Is it inauthentic to wait until your anger cools before you talk with your child? No. Anger isn't actually an authentic emotion. Sure, anger is always "valid" -- a valid signal that you have some upsetting, scary, more vulnerable emotions like fear and sadness to work through, that are pushing you into fight or flight.

6. But don't you then need to tell your child how angry her behavior made you, to model being authentic in a relationship? Actually, being authentic and honest would mean being more vulnerable, by going under the anger to the fear beneath. So instead of "I'm angry that you lied to me" the honest communication would be "I'm scared that you lied to me..I'm afraid that means that you don't think you can tell me the truth...that we are growing apart...I need to be able to trust what you say for us to have a good relationship."

7. Is it ever useful to share your authentic feelings with your child? Of course! Later, when everyone has calmed down, you might well say "We speak respectfully to each other in this house. When you speak to me like you did, I feel hurt." Most kids who have experienced empathy and apologies from us will respond with a heart-felt apology. In fact, they don't want to hurt us, any more than we want to hurt them. When they do, it's for the same reason -- they're in fight or flight, and at that moment we look like the enemy.

8. Don't you have to tell kids you're disappointed, sad or angry about their behavior to get them to act right? No. It's true that kids who adore and respect us don't want to disappoint us, so they're more likely to follow our rules. But you don't get that kind of relationship by making a child feel guilty, which is what happens when you say "I'm sad and disappointed in you." You get that kind of relationship by coaching your child through his feelings, so he can better manage his behavior. And you get it by setting clear, kind limits about what kind of behavior is acceptable.

9. But what about telling the truth? Consider that maybe you aren't seeing the whole truth. You're only human, so you only get to see from where you're standing. If you could see things from your child's perspective, they would look very different. You'll always get closer to authentic, honest communication if you re-frame the situation so you have a larger view. For instance, you might ask yourself, as Gandhi reportedly did when his grandson lied to him, "What about me wasn't safe enough for him to trust me with the truth?" Your anger will dissolve, and you'll be able to problem-solve more effectively.

Kids want to act right. If they don't, it's because something's getting in their way and they need our coaching. A coach doesn't say to the player "I'm sad, angry and disappointed about your playing." The coach takes responsibility for coaching himself through his own feelings, and figures out how to help the player do better.

For more info on how to do that, check out our recent posts on this theme:

What To Say Instead of Punishing To Teach a Lesson

10 Things To Do Instead of Grounding Your Child

How to Raise a Moral, Responsible Child -- without Punishment

Why Punishment Doesn't Teach Your Child Accountability

10 Things To Do Instead of Grounding Your Kid

Wed, 08 May 2013 04:00:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura -- Could you write about transitioning to positive discipline for parents of older kids? If I start Empathic Parenting now with my kids 12 and 9, will it still help? How do I all of a sudden "remove" punishment? My 9 year old always says 'Oh now I guess I am grounded.' How do I change his thinking?"

Yes, empathic parenting always helps. Empathy creates a connection with your child. Children of any age, including teenagers, respond to that connection by being more open to your guidance.

Grounding your child, removing privileges, punishing with extra chores -- all of these approaches are meant to "teach a lesson." But research shows that kids get preoccupied with the unfairness of the punishment, instead of feeling remorse for what they did wrong. The lesson you want to teach, I assume, is that your child can make a better choice next time. You also want to teach that everyone makes mistakes, and your child has the power and courage to make amends. You want him to practice that. Right? Here's how.

1. First move yourself from anger into empathy. Once your child knows you're on his side, he feels safe to engage with you. Without that sense of safety, your child's heart is hardened to you -- because he expects judgment and punishment -- and you have no influence at all. So just tell him you need some time to think, and get calm before you talk about what happened. (For more on managing your own anger.)

2. Start with connection. If your child is worried about you getting upset at her, she'll move into "fight, flight or freeze" and learning will shut down. She's also more likely to lie. The only way to actually "teach a lesson" is to create a safe conversation. To do that, remember that your child has a reason for what she did. You may not consider it a good reason, but to her it's a reason. If you don't find out her reason, you can't prevent a recurrence.

3. Tell your child you want to hear his thoughts about what happened. Then let him talk. Reflect to clarify (and demonstrate) your understanding:

"I see...so the guys really wanted you to play basketball, and it was at the same time as the study session for the test? That's a hard choice."

"Wow! So you and your sister were really furious at each other... you were so hurt when she....I would have been mad too, if someone said that to me......and you really wanted to get back at her, huh?"

4. Keep your focus on connecting with your child and seeing the situation from his point of view. This helps you, and him, understand what motivated him. This gives him an opportunity to work through the feeling or the unmet need that drove his behavior. Kids always know what the right choice was, but something got in their way. What was it? How can he (with your help) address that so he can make a better choice next time?

For instance, let's say he played basketball with his friends instead of going to the study session, and then failed his test. You might find as you talk with him that he has a lot of anxiety about being accepted by the guys and felt he had to play basketball to be one of the gang. This social anxiety may be something he actually needs your help to sort out and problem-solve about, and once he does he would be a lot more ready to focus on schoolwork.

But by simply punishing him, you would never have even known about it. You would have lost the opportunity to help him address his feelings and find a good solution for next time. In fact, since punishment doesn't help him resolve his conflict, he might very well do the same thing next time, but invent some story to cover himself.

5. Ask open-ended questions. Keep the conversation as safe and as light as possible. If you can share a laugh, you'll defuse the tension and strengthen your bond, so remind yourself that this is a growth experience for both of you, and summon up your sense of humor.

Was he aware of making a choice?
What led him to that choice?
What does he think about it now?
Was there a cost to making that choice?
Would he do it again?
Why or why not?
How could he support himself to choose differently next time?

6. Explore and learn with your child, rather than assuming you know what should happen now. Once he isn't being controlled by that unmet need or upsetting feeling, and he sees the result of his action (failed test, hurt sister, broken window, whatever), he feels regretful. This is only after the feelings or needs have been processed, of course. But once they aren't driving him, his "goodness" is free to come through. He naturally wants to make things better.

So you ask him:

What can you do now to make things better?
Did this incident show you anything in your life that you want to change?
How can I support you?

7. Resist the urge to jump in with punishments. Instead, be quiet and listen. This is not about him being punished and losing privileges and being told what bad things are now going to happen to him. It's about him realizing that what he does has an impact, and taking responsibility to have a positive rather than a negative impact. If you can avoid playing the heavy, your son can actually take responsibility, because he isn't on the defensive.

In the example of the failed test, maybe he makes a written chart about schoolwork, and sits with you to do it every night, and asks the teacher for extra credit work to do, etc. Is that punishment? No, not if this is the plan that he brainstorms with you to come up with. In fact, if you help him actually follow through and partner with him so he can achieve his goals, then it's completely empowering and could transform his ability to achieve in school.

If the bad choice was hurting his sister, then the reparations would be to her. All children have mixed emotions about siblings, but that means there is affection and comradeship in there somewhere, and even protectiveness.

8. What if he says no repair work is necessary; that he doesn't care if he failed the test and his sister deserved what she got? He's still on the defensive. Say "Oh, Sweetie....I understand why this happened and why you made this choice....but that doesn't mean your choice worked out well...you must still be so upset to say that....I know that when you aren't so upset you would feel differently....Let's give this a break and talk more later." Give him a chance to calm down. When you start talking again, start with empathy. That's what helps him heal those feelings. And model taking responsibility, maybe by saying "I think some of this is my fault...I didn't realize you were falling behind in class, or I would have helped you address it before now."

9. Step into your own power. You as the grown-up have more power than you know in this situation. Your child is depending on your leadership, even if she seems to be resisting it. If she hurt her sister, it gives you an opportunity to address the obvious sibling rivalry. If she failed her test, it gives you an opportunity to consider your family's overall prioritization of schoolwork. When we give our children sufficient support, they usually rise to the level of our expectations. Some kids just need more support than others.

10. Expect an adjustment period. Like any transition, a change in your parenting from punitive to empathic parenting will include both of you learning the new territory. No blame. We all do the best we can as parents. But if you've been punishing, your child was obeying out of fear. Once you stop punishing, she stops obeying. So you need to make it your highest priority to do some repair work on your connection, so she WANTS to cooperate with you, and doesn't want to disappoint you. Otherwise, she'll just flaunt your rules.

But what if she just can't regulate herself to stop fighting with her sister or do her homework? This is where you pay the piper for your previous punishing -- it's likely she has some big upsets stored up that are driving her behavior. Once you aren't punishing, kids feel safer, so the emotions they've been stuffing come pouring out -- sometimes in the form of rudeness toward parents. The key is to stay empathic and not take it personally. Remind her that you speak with respect to her, and that you expect civility in return: "You must be so upset to speak to me that way...What's going on, Sweetie?" Stay compassionate. Welcome her upset feelings. The more safety you can provide, the sooner your child will be willing to cry and share what's really bothering her. Once she empties her emotional backpack of all those uncomfortable feelings she's been lugging around, she'll be much more open to connecting. And because you've stayed compassionate, she'll know you're on her side, and she'll WANT to cooperate, whether she's three or thirteen.

The hard part is changing your own habits, but luckily you'll see positive changes very quickly so you'll have incentive to keep going. Don't worry about changing your child's thinking. If you change, they change.

What To Say Instead of Punishing To Teach a Lesson

Tue, 07 May 2013 04:00:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura.....I know I need to do a better job with preventive maintenance like spending with my son, but I still don't know what to say to teach him a lesson when he misbehaves. You can't prevent all misbehavior, can you? So you still need to teach them a lesson somehow, right?"

Yes, kids do need our guidance. They come into the world ready to learn, and they look to us to teach them. Red and blue, up and down, what to do when they get angry, how to express their needs and feelings.

We teach so many lessons, and often without even noticing that we're teaching! Because those verbal "lessons" will never teach our children as much as what we actually do. Do we yell (i.e., have tantrums) when we get angry? So will they. Or do we notice when we're getting irritated and say "I'm feeling grumpy....I'm going to take a minute to chill out and get calm...I will be right back..."? They'll learn to do that, too.

So when kids "misbehave" the real lesson isn't what you say. It's that you calm yourself, which teaches your child how to calm herself.

But if you weren't brought up with positive parenting, you're probably still wondering what to say. Here's a basic guide to get you started.

1. Set appropriate limits.

"Teaching a lesson" means stating firmly what your limit or expectation is, and redirecting your child. When we're frustrated, we may just want to scream at kids to stop giving us a hard time. But they're acting like kids because they ARE kids, and they learn limits by our repeating them over and over. Being mean about it plunges your child into a state of emergency, which causes learning to shut down. Instead, try:

"Blocks are not for throwing....You can throw your stuffed animals, or you can go outside and throw balls."

"You know that we aren't buying a toy for you today.....If that's too hard for you, we'll need to leave the store and try again to buy your cousin's present next week."

"Henry, your sister loves you, and she needs to decide about being hugged. Can you ask before you hug her?"

"The rule is no screaming in the car so I can drive safely. Can you stop, or do I need to stop the car?"

2. Acknowledge feelings.

Kids need to feel understood before they can hear your teaching. You may feel like yelling "I told you to stop playing and get upstairs to the bathtub! How many times do I have to tell you?!" but that teaches your child that you aren't serious until you raise your voice, and it doesn't give him any incentive to cooperate.

Instead, try:
"I hear you, you don't want to take a bath....It's hard to stop playing...I bet when you grow up, you'll never stop playing, you'll play all night every night, won't you?! Here, let's fly that airplane up to the bathtub." Your child learns that you mean what you say and will insist on his cooperation, but that you understand if he doesn't like it. He doesn't always get what he wants, but he gets something better -- someone who understands, no matter what.

3. Emotion Coach

When humans are in the grip of big feelings, learning shuts down. Help your child with emotions before you try to teach. Most of us feel like saying "Go to your room until you can speak to me in a civil tone, young lady!" but that just teaches kids that they're all alone trying to manage those big, scary emotions.

Instead, try: "Ouch! You know we speak to each other respectfully in this family. You must be so upset to speak to me like that. What's going on, Sweetie?"

You've pointed out that your child said something hurtful to you, but your main goal is not to "teach a lesson" but to create safety, so your child can process emotion. She learns that feelings aren't scary and dangerous, and we always have a choice about how we act on them. She also learns that her words have the power to hurt, and she doesn't want to do that.

4. Empower to Repair

Children want to know how to make things better when they mess up. Most of us think we're supposed to say "You go apologize to your brother this minute!" but that's humiliating and makes kids resist mending the relationship.

Instead, try:

"Your brother was pretty upset when you knocked down his tower....I wonder what you could do to make things better with him?...What a great idea!"

Your child learns that when we damage a relationship, there's a cost -- and that he can make repairs.

5. Help your child reflect.

Teaching lessons takes a whole lot of discussion, but lectures don't work. Teachable moments are only teachable if the student is ready to learn. So practice sharing your observations and "wondering aloud" to help your child reflect on why she's acting as she is, and also on the results of her actions.

"I notice your brother doesn't want to wrestle with you these days....I wonder whether there's anything you can do to help him feel safe and have fun?"

"I know you're using that tone of voice because you're worried we'll be late to the birthday party, Sweetie, but when you yell I get anxious and I can't drive safely."

"It's disappointing to miss words on your spelling test....but your brain is like a muscle, and if you exercise it, you can learn anything and get smarter. Want me to help you learn your words for next week?"

Remember, if your child is misbehaving because he doesn't know the appropriate behavior, then simply teaching him is sufficient. But if he knows the right behavior and is still misbehaving, it's a cry for help. That's why daily roughhousing and special time to help your child with his emotions actually teach the most important lessons. It's what you do, more than what you say.

How to Raise a Moral, Responsible Child -- without Punishment

Thu, 02 May 2013 17:46:00 GMT

"Parents who are serious about raising children to be decent people spend an awful lot of time guiding them. It's not enough for us to have good values; these values must be communicated directly... For instance, to say nothing when a child acts selfishly is to send a clear message, and that message has more to do with the acceptability of selfishness than it does with the virtues of non-intrusive parenting. We need to establish clear moral guidelines, to be explicit about what we expect, but in a way that minimizes coercion."- Alfie Kohn

How do you raise a child who assumes responsibility for her actions, including making amends and avoiding a repeat, whether the authority figure is present or not?

You raise the kind of person who WANTS to do the "right" thing, give her the tools to manage her behavior, and empower her to see the results of her actions, so she can choose whether to repeat them.

Yesterday, we reviewed why Why Punishment Doesn't Teach Your Child Accountability. Essentially, force always produces push-back, and eventually destroys your influence with your child

As Thomas Gordon says,"The inevitable result of consistently employing power to control your kids when they're young is that you never learn how to influence."

But I can understand if you’re feeling a bit nervous right about now. We all want to raise responsible, considerate, cooperative kids. Won't they just run wild without punishment?

The answer is no. They will just run wild without guidance! But guidance and punishment are not at all the same thing. Punishment is purposefully causing pain (physical or emotional) to force the child to do things our way. Guidance is showing our child the path we recommend, explaining why we think it's the best path, and giving our child the tools to stay on that path.

Unless we're willing to use force--which teaches immorality--influence is all we have to work with as parents.
Luckily, because humans resist force, influence actually works better to transmit values and behavioral standards. Kids CHOOSE to do the right thing, because they want to "follow" our lead.

Effective Guidance includes:

Empathic limits - We guide kids daily in their behavior, and often that involves setting limits. Kids can't hit, run in the street, or throw their food at each other. If we set those limits harshly, they'll eventually learn them, but with lots more resistance. If we set limits with an understanding of their perspective ("You are so mad, but I won't let you hurt your brother! Come, I'll help you tell him how you feel") kids feel understood, and accept those limits more readily. They're more likely to share, rather than resist, parents’ expectations.

Connection - When kids start to feel disconnected -- because they're angry, because we're angry, because we've been apart from them all day, etc -- they act out until we can heal the disconnect. When kids feel connected to us, they're open to our influence. They WANT to behave, to cooperate, to please us. Since we're the most important people in our child's world, children are predisposed to listen to our guidance, as long as they're convinced we're on their side. Punishment erodes this connection, because we're intentionally hurting the child, either physically or emotionally.

Empathy - When our "go-to" response to our child is empathy, he develops empathy for others -- even siblings! They treat others well because they care what others feel. As my teenage son said, "When I was little, you helped me see that the things I did could hurt people, or help them. I didn't want to cause hurt." Empathy is the foundation of morality.

Empower to Repair - We all make mistakes, and every one of us has at one time or another damaged a relationship we care about. Kids need to know they can make amends. Once your child has calmed down, help her reflect on what she might do to rebuild what's broken. But resist the urge to make this into a punishment, or your child will resist and miss the deeper lesson.

Emotion Coaching - When kids learn to manage their emotions, they can manage their behavior, so they're ABLE to behave and cooperate. We only gain control of our emotions by befriending them. Start by accepting your child's full range of emotion with as much compassion as you can muster, and lots of roughhousing play to work through feelings and anxiety. This gives your child the support she needs to understand and regulate her emotions, so she can behave as her best self. She learns that actions must be limited, but that she is more than enough, exactly as she is -- complete with all her complicated emotions. That feeling of “goodness” is what helps all of us make progress toward our good intentions.

Modeling - Children learn their values and emotional regulation from what parents DO, not from what we SAY. As my teenage daughter said, "You always listened to us and tried to work things out and you didn't punish us. So we learned to listen to each other, and other people, and to try to work things out so it works for everyone, and we don't use force to get our way." Notice this is the foundation that keeps kids from participating in bullying.

Discussion - Children learn from experience accompanied by reflection. It's our job to provide the opportunities for reflection. That means LOTS of talking and listening with our child, daily. If you only talk when there's a problem, you can count on lots of problems.

Helping your child take responsibility for his actions happens every day that you set empathic limits, connect, empathize, empower your child to repair, emotion coach, model, and discuss.

You'll notice that much of this is prevention. Prevention is always the most effective strategy, because once kids "misbehave" your options are more limited. Luckily, when you parent this way, kids don't act out as much. Once you get out of the habit of punishing and see how much your child WANTS to cooperate, you won't miss punishment at all.

But what about those moments when your child has "misbehaved"? How do you put these ideas into practice? We'll get to that next week with: What To Say Instead of Punishing To Teach a Lesson and 10 Things To Do Instead of Grounding Your Child.

Why Punishment Doesn't Teach Your Child Accountability

Wed, 01 May 2013 13:36:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura....How do you hold a child accountable for her behavior without punishment?"

"I recently read a quote from a Finnish education minister: "There's no word for accountability in Finnish...Accountability is something that is left when responsibility has been subtracted." - Teacher Tom

What does it mean, to hold our child accountable for her behavior? My definition would be that our child assumes responsibility for her actions, including making amends and avoiding a repeat, whether the authority figure is present or not. So, really, it isn't about "holding our child accountable." What we want is for our child to step into responsibility, to hold HERSELF accountable. Once someone takes responsibility, we don't have to "hold her accountable."

Essentially, we're talking about raising a moral child who wants to do the right thing. Most people assume that punishment is what helps humans decide to do the right thing, so if we aren't punishing our children, they'll grow up doing the wrong thing. That's a bleak view of human nature. And it turns out to be dead wrong.

There's now a wealth of research demonstrating that kids who are punished are LESS likely to make positive moral choices. That's because:

Punishment focuses a child on the "consequences" he is suffering, rather than on the consequences of his behavior to someone else, so it makes him more self-centered.
Punishment makes a child feel like he's a bad person, which is always a self-fulfilling prophecy, so he's more likely to repeat the bad behavior.
The most salient lesson of punishment is to avoid it in the future by sneaking and lying to escape detection, so punishment fosters dishonesty.
Because kids invariably consider punishment unfair, it teaches kids that might makes right and abuse of power is ok -- which makes kids less likely to make moral choices.
Punishment--yes, even timeouts--erode our relationship with our child, so that he isn't as invested in pleasing us. And the more disconnected he feels from us, the worse his behavior.
Because punishment doesn't help a child with the emotions that drove her to act out to begin with, those emotions just get stuffed down, only to pop up again later and cause a repeat of the misbehavior.
Punishment makes a child feel wronged, and creates a "chip on the shoulder" so she's likely to resent making amends.
Punishment makes kids look out only for themselves and blame others, rather than caring about how their behavior affects others.
Punishment creates an external locus of control -- the authority figure. The child actually comes to see the parent as responsible for making her behave, rather than taking responsibility for her behavior as her own choice.

Research shows that seventh graders whose parents raised them using punishment, including consequences and timeouts, are less morally developed than their peers. "Having learned to do exactly what they're told in order to avoid losing their parents' love, they tended to just apply rules in a rigid, one-size-fits-all fashion," says Alfie Kohn. Many of the studies referred to above are detailed in Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting, and more are being published every day.

Not surprisingly, these studies also show that children who are punished (including with time outs and consequences) exhibit MORE bad behavior, not less. Not because kids who behave badly are punished more often, but because kids who are punished behave badly more often.

So if punishment teaches our child all the wrong lessons, what DOES raise a child who wants to do the right thing? Loving guidance. Which includes limits, set with empathy. Connection. Modeling. And a whole lot of love. We'll get into the details tomorrow, with: How to Raise a Moral, Responsible Child -- without Punishment.

20 Ways To Get Closer To Your Child Today

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 23:50:00 GMT

"I watch their softly tousled heads slumbering on their pillows, and sadness wells up in me. Have I drunk in their smiles and laughter and hugged them, or have I just checked things off my to-do list today? They're growing so quickly. One morning I may wake up and one of my girls will be getting married, and I'll worry: Have I played with them enough? Have I enjoyed the opportunity to be a part of their lives?" -- Janet Fackrell

It's part of our job description as parents to guide our kids and keep them moving through the daily routine. All too often, that means setting limits, denying requests, correcting behavior. Sometimes we're skillful enough that our child doesn't perceive our guidance as "negative." More often, kids give us the benefit of the doubt because all the other loving, affirming interactions create a positive balance in our relationship account.

Research shows we need at least five positive interactions to each negative interaction to maintain a healthy, happy relationship that can weather the normal conflicts and upsets of daily life. So when we're short on positive interactions, our relationship balance dips into the red. As with any bank account, we're overdrawn. That's when kids resist our guidance and develop attitude, whether they're two or twelve.

That's why it's so important to create daily habits to replenish our relationship accounts with our kids. So here are 20 things you can do today, and every day, to build a closer relationship with your child.

1. Snuggle with each child for five minutes when they first wake up.

2. Write a love note to slip into her lunch box.

3. Take an extra minute to sit down with your kids at breakfast, asking what each one is looking forward to today.

4. Instead of yelling at him to keep him moving through the morning routine, empower him with a chart with photos of him doing each task, and let him be "in charge" of himself while you just smile and point to the chart, asking what he needs to do next.

5. Skip together as you walk to the school bus, or sing songs in the car.

6. As you hug her goodbye, tell her you can't wait to see her this afternoon and hear all about her day. Remember to say "Have fun!" instead of "Be good!"

7. Remember to take care of yourself during the day, so this evening you can give your child the best of you, not what's left of you.

8. Turn off your phone and music when your child gets in the car with you at the end of the day, and listen to her most and least favorite parts of the day.

9. When they get into a fight, keep your sense of humor, listen to both kids without taking sides, and help them work out a win/win solution.

10. When he has a meltdown because you cut his sandwich wrong, don't make a new sandwich, but remind yourself that tantrums signal distress, not defiance. Stay close and compassionate so he feels safe enough to cry and empty all those upsets out of his emotional backpack.

11. Commiserate and encourage as you help her study for her spelling test.

12. Laugh at his jokes.

13. Spend fifteen minutes of special time with each child, just following her lead and pouring your love into her. When she wants to use the couch cushions to build a fort, say yes. Let her be the director and tell you what to do.

14. At dinner, ask an interesting question and give each child time to answer while everyone listens. (Here are over 100 ideas for great questions.)

15. Have a pillow fight before bath time.

16. Empathize when he doesn't want to stop playing and get ready for bed, even while you insist.

17. Listen compassionately to her long story about troubles with girls in her class, without getting over-excited or jumping in to fix anything.

18. Notice that you're getting frustrated about getting him to bed, and calm yourself down. Then, reconnect with him and use that warm connection to get him tucked in.

19. Enjoy reading the bedtime story.

20. Lie with each child for a few minutes in the dark, just snuggling companionably and telling him that you feel so lucky to be his parent.

Time-consuming? Sure. You can't do everything every day with each child. But most of these practices don't add much time to your day, they just make it go more smoothly. And when you create habits like these, kids cooperate more, fight less, and WANT to follow your guidance. So when you get to the teen years, your child will be open to your influence and might even ask your advice. And that's better than money in the bank.

Photo: Thank you to Crushed Red Pepper.

Teaching Kids To Be Good People

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 03:53:00 GMT

Today I'm honored that Aha! Parenting is the final stop on Annie Fox's Teaching Kids To Be Good People blog tour.

Raising good kids isn't easy in an age where kids have so many role models -- online, on screen, in their peer groups, and throughout our society -- who seem to normalize mean-spiritedness, cheating and greed. Most parents I know struggle with how to talk with their children about ethics and morality. We all know that lecturing doesn't work. How, then, do we help kids feel good about choosing to do the right thing, especially when that costs them -- which it inevitably does?

Enter Annie Fox. I've been a long-time fan of Annie's for her work with middle schoolers. She answers questions from kids in her no-nonsense but compassionate style, and has a wonderful book series for middler schoolers called Middle School Confidential.

Now, Fox has turned her attention to what parents can do to teach kids to be good people. After all, she reasons, every parent is a teacher.

Fox "crowd-sourced" the question "What makes a good person?" She says that eight concepts kept reappearing: Emotional intelligence, ethics, help, forgiveness, compassion, empathy, acceptance, and social
courage. The good news? These are all teachable skills! If you aren't quite sure where to begin to teach them, you'll love this book.

What makes this book so helpful to parents?

1. The practical format, including ideas for conversations with our kids to teach each of the eight core concepts. I especially love the quizzes in the back of the book, some of which are perfect to get kids talking and thinking.

2. The basic premise, which is that that our job as parents is to raise moral people, or as Fox says, "teaching kids to be good people includes helping them learn that we are all here to help each other."

3. The understanding that part of raising kids to be good citizens is teaching them emotional intelligence and to be assertive in standing up for themselves. Kids don't have to choose between taking good care of themselves and taking care of others. In fact, only when we are emotionally healthy can we offer compassion to others.

4. The insistence that we as parents don't need to be perfect, but we do need to role model the behavior we want from our children.

5. The stories from Annie Fox's own life, which draw us in, keep us turning the pages, and model for us in a very human way how to be true to oneself and a good citizen of the world.

Here's a link for a free downloadable excerpt from the book.

Amazon Prime members: you can borrow this book for free from your Kindle device.

And here's Annie Fox's website, with more info on the book. Enjoy!

When Your Four Year Old Hits Your Two Year Old: A script for parents

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 04:00:00 GMT

"Today I stepped outside to clean up some toys while my kids were eating. My 2 year old ran to the back door and cried out for me. My 4 year old didn't like his screaming and ran over and punched him several times. My 2 year old got so upset he threw up his whole lunch all over me. My 4 year old confessed "Mom, I did a bad thing...I punched S because he was crying and it made me mad." I have been getting very upset, sternly asking my 4 year old "Why do you want to hurt your brother?...I'm very disappointed in you and sad about this." I typically do 4 minutes timeout and an apology for the bad behavior, then be nice to your brother for 3 days and then you get a superhero movie. Is this wrong?"

Is it a bad thing to use rewards and punishment? Well, it doesn't actually work as well as emotion coaching and empathic limits to stop your son's hitting, and it doesn't teach the lessons you want to teach. The research says that if your son does stop hitting, it won't be because he has learned that hitting hurts his brother, but because he doesn't want to be punished. Of course, most parents would be willing to accept this, just to stop the hitting. But most kids just keep hitting, because the rewards and punishment don't help them with the underlying feelings or teach them a better way to solve the problem that caused the hitting. They just get sneakier, stop confessing, and start blaming. And it doesn't sound like your rewards and punishment are working, if he's still punching his brother to the point where his brother throws up.

Your goal is to help your younger son tell his side of the story even though he can't talk, both because it teaches him to use words instead of fists, and because it helps your older child learn empathy. And your goal for your older son includes helping him express his emotions, try out a new way to handle such a situation in the future, and find a way to repair the damage he's done to his relationship with his brother. This is more effective than a timeout and forced apology to put a stop to the hitting AND it teaches your kids conflict resolution skills.

So first comfort your son who is crying, and change his clothes. This gives you a chance to calm down so you can connect with your older child without seeing him as the enemy. Then, sit on the floor with one boy on either side of you. It helps to have an arm around each, so nobody gets defensive as you listen to the other child. Let's say Sam is just two, and Jake is four. Sam and Jake are calm now, too. If they aren't, you'll need to help them calm down separately, at least enough to participate in this process. It might go like this:

Mom: You were both pretty upset before. Can you tell me what was going on, Jake?

Jake: I punched Sam because he was crying and it made me mad.

Mom: Wow! Sam, is that right? Jake punched you? Ouch! No wonder you were crying and threw up. How did you feel?

Sam: Ouch!

Mom: Yes, ouch! You were hurting! Your body hurt. And it sounds like maybe you were scared, too. Sometimes when we're scared, we throw up.

Sam: Ouch!

Mom: Yes, that hurt. Can you tell your brother how you felt when he hit you?

Sam: (to Jake) Ouch! No!

Mom: You're telling your brother "No! Don't hurt me!" (Turning to Jake.) Jake, did you hear your brother?

Jake: Yeah.

Mom: What is he telling you?

Jake: That it hurt?

Mom: That's right. He says NO, don't hurt me like that. Look at his face. He was pretty upset, wasn't he?

Jake: Yeah.

Mom: Can you tell him you hear his words?

Jake: (looking down) Can we stop talking about this?

Mom: (realizing that Jake needs to feel understood before he's interested in understanding his brother's feelings) I know it's upsetting to talk about this. I know you feel bad about it. You must have been pretty upset to punch your brother. Can you tell me about it?

Jake: He was yelling for you. That made me mad.

Mom: So when he started yelling for me, it really bothered you?

Jake: Yeah. He wouldn't stop.

Mom: Sounds like it really upset you. Did you ask him to stop?

Jake: I told him to stop but he didn't. He's such a crybaby.

Note that by now the two year old is playing with his dinosaurs. That's okay. He doesn't need to participate in the whole discussion. He's gotten the idea that mom is there to help him find his voice. By now, the four year old would also like to run from this discussion, so it takes all Mom's empathic connection to keep him talking. No one wants to be lectured. So she empathizes, tries to understand his viewpoint.

Mom: It sounds like when he needs me, it really bothers you.....Did that make you miss me, too?

Jake: I'm not a baby!

Mom: No, but all kids can miss their mom. So sometimes when a two year old cries because he misses his mom, bigger kids can get upset because they miss her too.

Jake: I just wanted him to stop.

Mom: How did that feel?

Jake: Like I just couldn't stand it any more.

Mom: I hear you. It can be really hard to listen to someone cry. So let me see if I've got this right. When Sam cried for me, it bothered you so much that you just wanted him to stop. You couldn't stand it. You didn't know what to do.

Jake: Yeah.

Mom: And you asked him to stop, and he wouldn't?

Jake: So I punched him.

Mom: I see. What do you think about punching him?

Jake: It was bad.

Mom: Why?

Jake: Because now I get a timeout?

Mom: No, it was bad because it hurt your brother. Did you see how upset he was?

Jake: Yeah.

Mom: I hear you were very upset. But hitting is NEVER okay. I won't let you hurt your brother like that.

Jake: But he has to stop crying when I tell him.

Mom: Did hitting him make him stop crying?

Jake: No.

Mom: So hitting doesn't stop him from crying. It makes him cry more! I bet you can figure out a better way to handle it when he cries.

Jake: I could go in the other room?

Mom: YES! Great idea!

Jake: But I was eating lunch. I didn't want to leave.

Mom: Of course. I understand. And I hear that you really don't like it when Sam cries. That's really hard for you. But Sam is allowed to cry. What else can you do when he cries, if it bothers you -- besides leave the room or hit him?

Jake: I don't know.

Mom: Could you help him feel better?

Jake: You mean hug him?

Mom: Sure, that's a great idea! Do you think that would help?

Jake: Not when he really wants you.

Mom: Could you tell him I'll be right back?

Jake: I did. It didn't help.

Mom: Good for you for trying that! I guess he was just really upset. What about helping him find me?

Jake: You mean come outside?

Mom: Well, you're tall and strong now. You can open the back door. And your voice is loud. Do you think you could be like a superhero, and open the door and call for me and save the day?

Jake: Yes, I can call you super loud!

Mom: And do you think you could hold Sam's hand, so he is less upset?

Jake: I guess so. But not if he's crying too loud. I can't stand that.

Mom: I see what you mean. So maybe you could help Sam feel better by holding his hand, and telling him that I will be right back, and hugging him.... but if that didn't work, you could call for me?

Jake: Yes! Will you come when I call?

Mom: I will always come when you call. I am always there to help you and Sam. (Hugs him.) Do you think you can remember this next time Sam cries?

Jake: Remember what?

Mom: To call me, instead of hitting.

Jake: I guess so.

Mom: Can we practice it? Come on, Sam. We're going to try a "do-over." (Takes boys to back door.) Okay, Sam, pretend you're crying.

Sam looks at her blankly, still holding the dinosaur he was playing with. He's mostly forgotten what they were discussing, but he's interested.

Mom: Okay, Jake, we will just pretend he's crying, okay? What can you do now?

Jake: Sam, stop crying. Mommy is coming soon. (Looks at mom.) What do I do now?

Mom: Well, what did we talk about?

Jake: Oh, I can open the door! (Opens door and yells loudly) MOMMY! Sam needs you!

Mom: Oh my, I will be right there! (Hugs both boys). I am right here, Sam. And Jake, thank you so much for helping your brother. That's the great thing about having a brother -- to take care of each other! I am so impressed that you were able to stay calm and yell for me. And look how happy your brother is that you helped him get me. Thank you!

Jake beams. Sam beams.

Mom: So, Jake, remember how upset Sam was before, when you hit him?

Jake winces.

Mom: I wonder what you could do to repair things with Sam, so he feels better again?

Jake: I could have a timeout?

Mom: I don't think a timeout makes your brother feel better. And I don't think it teaches you anything. I think you already know what to do next time, and you just showed me. So I am very happy about that. I just want to be sure that things are repaired with your brother.

Jake: You mean, like, apologize to him? I hate that.

Mom: It can be hard to apologize. I don't think you have to apologize until you're ready. But I do think you have to find a way to repair things with your brother, because you broke your relationship a little when you hit him. So you need to help him feel safe with you again. He needs to know you won't hit him again. Are you ready to tell him that?

Jake: (looking down and mumbling) I won't hit you if you don't cry.

Mom: Jake, everyone is allowed to cry. Everyone needs to cry sometimes. So you can't hit him even if he cries. No matter how upset you get. But you can always come get me and I will help. Is that a deal? (Holds out her hand for Jake to shake.)

Jake: (shaking hands) Okay, okay.

Mom: Jake, this isn't to punish you. It's to help your brother feel safe again. Here's how we do it. (Kneeling and looking into Jake's eyes) Jake, I will never hurt your body....See? Do you think you could tell your brother?

Jake (looking into Sam's eyes) "Okay. Sam, I will try to not hurt your body. I still don't like it when you cry."

Sam: (in Jake's face) No!

Jake: Okay, okay, I won't hurt your body.

Mom: Yay! Sam, do you hear Jake?

Jake: No!

Mom: That's right, no hurting! Jake, Sam still seems a little sad and mad. I wonder what else you could do to repair things with him?

Jake: Like a hug?

Mom: A hug sounds great! Or maybe you could play with him a little. You know he loves it when you play cars with him. Or you could play ball with him, he loves that. Whatever you think would make him feel better, and repair your relationship where you broke it when you hit him.

Jake: I could play cars with him. I would even let him have the dump truck. Would that repair him?

Mom: Sounds great to me! Do you want to ask him if he'd like that?

Jake: (to Sam) Do you want to play cars? You can have the dump truck.

Sam: (beaming) Dumpty!

Jake:: Yes, Dumpty! (Runs to get the dump truck.)

Sam: (Running after him) Dumpty!

Time consuming? Yes. But I've given you the long version of the discussion, so you can see in detail how it might work. You can do shorter versions, especially once you and your kids get used to the idea. The best part is, within a couple of months, your kids will learn to do most of this for themselves. Their ability to express their needs and work things out peaceably will increase dramatically. And your stress level will go way down, given that sibling conflict is one of the biggest stressors for most parents. Putting the time in to help your kids learn to work things out might be the best investment you ever make.

5 Things To Do When You Feel Your Temper Rising

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 13:34:00 GMT

Dr. Laura, I see how all your mindfulness techniques make me a more patient mother. But when I find my temper rising, what can I do in that moment? I know yelling doesn't work. I know that my inner critic that tells me I'm a bad mother just makes things worse. But what do I actually DO?" -- Cara

Nothing. Really. You notice what you're feeling, you breathe your way through it, and you DO nothing.

When our temper rises, we all feel an urgent need to DO something, anything. But that's our emergency response system operating. And parenting, despite how it feels, is not usually an emergency.

So the most effective thing you can do is restore yourself to calm before you act. Why? Because the rational brain stops working when you're angry. So when you act from anger or fear, you're never taking constructive action.

I define mindfulness as just noticing our own feelings and thoughts without acting on them. Meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg says it more directly: "Mindfulness is not hitting someone in the mouth."

Sure, it feels like we MUST intervene at that moment. Otherwise, our child will "get away with" bad behavior, and will become a terrible person. But that's fear speaking, and it drives us to take actions that make things worse. Later, we realize that we let our emotions run amok. We didn't guide our child with love. We didn't help her WANT to be a more loving or cooperative person. Instead, we dumped those yucky feelings from our full emotional backpack onto our child.

So what can you actually DO when you feel your temper rising?

1. Notice that you're starting to get swept into "fight or flight." It might be an exasperated sigh, your voice getting louder, or your jaw clenching. Or maybe your mind starts churning with angry thoughts. Once you notice your "temper rising" you've given yourself a heads-up that trouble's brewing, and you have a choice about how to respond. (Yes, this is hard. But it gets easier if you practice on all those little upsets every day.)

2. Breathe. If there's no physical intervention absolutely required, just hold still and breathe deeply. Even if you're moving toward your child to stop him from hitting the dog or throwing his toy, breathe deeply! This interrupts the stress hormones flooding your body. It makes you aware of all those sensations of anger, so you don't go on auto-pilot and start raging.

3. RESIST taking action. Just breathe and tolerate the feelings until they pass. I guarantee you those feelings will feel awful. You'll feel like lashing out (fight), running away (flight), or numbing yourself with food or a screen (freeze). You might feel like you can't breathe, or like throwing up. But if you keep breathing and tolerate those feelings, they'll pass. Every time you do this, you're emptying your emotional backpack of old baggage, so you're less likely to get hijacked by anger the next time. And you're modeling emotional intelligence for your child. In fact, neuroscientist Dan Siegel says you're actually helping your child's brain grow.

4. Work hard to see things from your child's point of view. If you're sure you're right and the other person's wrong, you're already moving into fight mode, where your child looks like the enemy. So notice those thoughts building up throughout your day that your child is giving you a hard time. If you don't catch them, you'll blow up sooner or later. Re-frame to something that's actually more true: "He's expressing legitimate needs as well as he can; he needs my help."

5. Choose love. Every action we take can be seen as a choice between love and fear. (Fear is always lurking behind your anger.) Once you're breathing and not driven by "fight or flight" you can do what we always tell our children: Make a better choice. You'll know, in the moment, what that means. Maybe you:

Set a limit, but set it with empathy.
Summon up all your compassion so your angry child feels safe enough to burst into tears and have a good cry.
Move into playful mode to let your child save face.
Hold out your arms for a hug.

Should you teach? Sure, once you're calm, and your child is calm. You'll be able to listen to your child and empathize. You'll make better decisions, more in keeping with the parent you want to be. Until you're calm, don't try to teach, or you'll be inadvertently teaching the wrong lessons.

You're human, so you'll find yourself moving into fight or flight on a regular basis.

Your child is defiant.

Your child is whining.

Your child is tantrumming.

Your child forgets something.

Your child isn't listening to you.

Your child clobbers your other child.

When you feel your temper rising, just Choose love.

And create miracles today, large and small.

How to Teach Your Child To Do What's Right

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 20:41:00 GMT

"I just don't believe that kids learn to do what's right by us giving them hugs. The only reason I ever did my homework was the strap waiting if I brought home a bad report card." -- Jack

It's true. Kids need our hugs, but that's not what teaches them to do right. How do kids learn?

Our modeling. When we take responsibility, when we apologize, when we regulate our own emotions so we aren't yelling at them, children learn to take responsibility, to apologize, to regulate their own emotions and treat others with respect.

Our guidance. When we talk with them about the choices in their lives, kids learn. Should he lie about his age to get a cheaper admission price at the amusement park? Can she break a date with a friend when she gets a more exciting offer? Should he help pay for the window he broke with his baseball? Talk about the fact that ethical choices are worth making, even when it costs you...And what ethical choice doesn't cost you?

Our family habits. When kids get used to "repair" rather than punishment, they automatically look to make things better after a fight with their sibling. When they learn that everyone has big feelings, but emotions aren't an emergency, they learn to take responsibility for their emotions and their behavior.

Kids really do learn what they live. But these examples are literally "learning" to do right. I suspect Jack is really talking about "choosing" to do right. What are our options to help kids CHOOSE to do right?

1. Force them physically. This only works when they're small. Kids raised this way often rebel against "doing right" as they get older. And because they were forced instead of choosing, they don't actually build the self-discipline muscles that would enable them to choose to do what's right instead of what's easy.

2. Manipulate them emotionally. This only works until they figure it out. All humans, even small ones, rebel when they feel controlled and manipulated. It's not really a model of relationships that you want to give your child, it undermines your relationship, and it doesn't make kids WANT to "do right."

3. Guide them in a loving way that helps them WANT to "do right." Meaning:

Set limits with empathy, which means acknowledging why your child doesn't like the limit. The limits teach them what's right. The empathy makes the limits palatable so your child is more likely to accept them.
Set up routines that gradually create good habits so your child will end up "owning" them, like sitting with them to do their homework when they're small.
Help your child "repair" relationships when he's done damage--so he sees the cost of his actions.
Love your child unconditionally, which means allowing those messy "negative" emotions--even while you limit behavior. She learns that emotions aren't an emergency, which helps her regulate them, so she can regulate her behavior.

That's how we get kids to do what's right. Of course, kids still need those hugs. A hug is the shortest distance between two people. Without that close relationship with you, why would your child even WANT to do right?

How To Talk with Your Child about the Tragedy in Boston

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 04:00:00 GMT

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.” - Mr Rogers

By now, many children across the United States and the world know that two bombs went off yesterday at the Boston Marathon, killing three people and injuring 140 others, some of them quite seriously. How can we answer our children's questions, when we don't know why this happened? How can we reassure them that we'll keep them safe, when we suddenly aren't sure that we can? When a tragedy like this shakes our faith in our own sense of safety in the world, it's tough to talk with our kids about it.

But it's our responsibility as adults to communicate to our children that we can and will keep them safe. So before you talk with your child about this tragedy, reassure yourself. Your child is no less safe than he or she was last week. The chances of your family being touched directly by such a tragedy are much, much, much less than the chances of a car accident, and you get into a car every day.

If you have a hard time believing this, it's a red flag that you've exposed yourself too intimately to the news. Every time you see more news about this tragedy, you're sending yourself back into fight or flight mode. But, in fact, unless you were at the Marathon, or someone dear to you was injured, this is not an emergency for your family. It's our job as parents to manage our own emotions so they don't adversely affect our children, so it's important for us to move ourselves out of flight or flight.

Then, start from the premise that your goal is to help your child integrate the news and feel safe. Use this as an opportunity to reassure and give age-appropriate information so he has a context for whatever he hears from his friends. Ten pointers:

1. Don't leave your TV on. If you turn off the news, you'll be better able to stay centered, and better able to help your child. If there are kids under the age of thirteen at your house, your TV should stay off whenever there's a public tragedy, or you're repeatedly traumatizing your kids. Knowing there's been a bombing is one thing. Hearing over and over about the blood and body parts and screams is quite another. Children can't handle those horrific images replaying in their minds.

2. Remember that your child will pick up on your emotions. If you're upset by what you've just read or heard, calm yourself before interacting with your child, and don't try to talk with your children about the events at that moment. Find a way to process your emotions first. How?

Talk (privately) to another adult.
Breathe deeply. Feel those emotions. Cry if you need to.
Work out. If you don't have time, do some stretching and shake tension out of your hands.
Tap your acupuncture points to relieve emotional pressure and calm yourself (this is called EFT, there are instructions available here)

It's fine to tear up when you're talking with your child. But getting hysterical communicates to your child that you can't handle the situation, which decreases her sense of safety.

3. Be age-appropriate. Babies and Toddlers will not need to know about a disaster at all. There is no need to raise the issue with your preschooler unless they have been exposed to it. And if you live far from Boston, even older children may never hear about this incident.

4. Ask your child what she knows. Your child may well hear about the bombing from other children, and may well ask you questions. If she brings it up, start by finding out what she's heard. "What did you hear about that?" Listen to the answers before jumping in to explain. Repeat to be sure you've understood: "So Gabe said that bad guys blew up the Boston Marathon?"

Ask your child what she thinks about the information. Most likely she will parrot what she's heard, but she may well give you some insight into what she needs you to address, for instance if she tells you that the bomb was from terrorists (which we don't know yet) or that people lost their legs.

5. Explain simply, in terms your child can understand. Keep your explanation very simple: "Yes, there were two bombs, and several people were killed. It is very sad."

6. Answer questions. Your child may have questions, for instance about whether it's safe for Daddy to go running tomorrow morning. The answer, of course, is yes: "It is very rare for something like this to happen. The police officers are very good at keeping us safe." Even if you live in Boston, you can say "We are safe now. The police and firefighters have looked all over the city very carefully to make sure there are no more bombs. We are all safe."

Your child may have heard gory details, like "people got their legs blown off." Reassure him that everyone helped each other and people were rushed to the hospital and taken care of. If he seems preoccupied with a devastating image like this, explain that while this is tragic, people do go on to have rich lives even when confined to a wheelchair.

Tailor your explanation to your child's developmental understanding. With all ages, let your child talk as much as he or she will. Answer questions truthfully, but with as limited information as possible. There is no reason to give your child details he isn't asking you for. As much as possible keep your own upset from coloring your presentation of the facts.

7. Listen and allow feelings. Talking to your child about a tragedy like this does not cause her to get upset; those feelings are there whether or not they're verbalized. If your child senses that she isn't allowed to cry or show you that she's frightened or upset, then she'll push those feelings down inside, where they'll cause nightmares or anxiety. If, instead, you accept and reflect your child's feelings, those feelings will tumble out for a day or so but then will dissipate. Often children show their fears by becoming aggressive. If you can stay compassionate when she gets aggressive ("Sweetie, no hitting...You must be very upset to hit like that"), she'll show you the tears and fears behind her anger. The most helpful thing you can do is listen to your child's fears, hug her, and reassure her that you will always keep her safe.

8. Stress that this is a rare occurrence. Be aware that your child will need your reassurance that although we are all connected, and we feel for the people who were touched by this tragedy, she is safe. Stress that incidents like this are very rare. Add that it's the job of grown-ups to keep kids safe, and that you and the other adults in your child's life will always work very hard to keep your child safe.

9. Be prepared to answer more existential questions. As with all tragedies, children of all ages may respond with spiritual questions about WHY something like this happens. How could this be allowed, in a "good" universe? Every parent will have a different response depending on her own life view, but an affirmation of hope and compassion is always in order: "We don't know why, Sweetie. I agree, it's tragic, and it isn't fair. Let's use this to remind us that every day is precious and every person is to be treasured, and let's think about what we can do to help."

You might also say: "Sometimes people disagree with each other and they don't use their words to work things out. They fight -- with their hands, or guns, or bombs. Those things always create more pain and hurt. That's why we always try to use words."

Finally, offer some hope: "There were lots of wonderful people helping each other....the good thing about people is that whenever there's a tragedy, you will always find people helping each other."

10. Respect your child's individual reactions. Every child processes in her own way. Some children will become very sad and cry, and that is to be honored. Some will listen, change the subject, and then bring it up to ask you more questions at bedtime. Others will shrug it off, which doesn't mean they aren't compassionate but that they can only handle so much of the information at a time. And some kids who have been protected from the media storm won't really see any connection to their own lives and won't seem upset at all, which is completely appropriate.

If your child seems very interested and continues to raise the issue, help him process his emotions. For instance:

Encourage him to draw pictures of what happened
Ask him to write or dictate a story about what happened

Some children will want to tell you about the upsetting event over and over, which helps them work out their emotions.

11. Resist a negative view of life or specific groups of people. When tragedies happen, they seem to come out of nowhere. But that kind of view makes kids feel less safe in the world and in fact is not accurate. Killing random strangers is heinous and even evil, but the perpetrators have a reason. By definition, they're enraged and alienated. Either they're imbalanced mentally, or they're fueled by religious or political extremism. It's better to explain that to children, than to leave them feeling that people simply randomly kill each other. Most people, in fact, live their whole lives without committing violent acts. For more ideas about conversations with your kids, see the questions and answers in the comment section below.

12. Empower your child. Research shows that feeling unable to do something to help make things better makes people of all ages feel hopeless, cynical, and less compassionate. Discuss with your child what your family can do to help, such as:

Send homemade condolence cards or other messages of love and support to the families.
Give blood.
Support your local hospital, for instance by taking stuffed animals to the pediatrics ward.
Remember the families in your family grace and prayers.

Plan to spend extra time at bedtime helping your child fall asleep feeling safe and secure. And honor the families who are mourning today by remembering to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you. It's a good habit to get into.

5 Strategies to Tame Your Inner Critic

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 20:34:00 GMT

"It’s like a big stick that I hit myself with from the inside. Really, would I want anyone I love to do that to themselves? Certainly not! And, I’ve made a commitment to support my kids and myself in putting that stick down. For good. The other day...the part of me that is Unconditional Love stood up, turned towards the Critic, and embraced it. In that moment of love and connection, the critic dissolved. Now I make it a practice to embrace the Critic, over and over again. I am learning that whatever has a hold on me, that which we most want to turn away from, is exactly what needs undivided, loving attention." -- Jennifer Mayfield

The inner critic's goal is to protect us. It thinks its job is to constantly scan for threats so it can keep us safe: future dangers, past problems we keep reliving to prevent their recurrence (or prove we were right!), defects in others that we need to control and correct, and deep flaws in us that we fear threaten our very survival because they make us unlovable. No wonder we so often ricochet between anxiety and depression.

You can’t get rid of your inner critic. It's just part of the human mind. But you can greatly reduce its fear level, and get it serving, rather than running, you. Here's a 5 Step Process to Tame Your Inner Critic.

1. Honor the fact that your inner critic is trying to take care of you. Think of it as a watch dog. When it starts yapping, resist rushing into fight or flight mode. Instead, take a deep breath. Thank it for trying to take care of you. Then hug it and tell it to stop barking and go lie down. Whatever it is, you can get rid of the fear by reminding yourself: "I can handle this."

2. Explore what's scaring you. What is your mind so afraid of? Put it into words, and you'll see how silly it is. If you're yelling at your kid because she was belligerent, ask your mind why your four year old's behavior is so dangerous. The response may be "She thinks she's the boss around here!" or "I can't get her to do what I say!" or "I have to nip this disrespect in the bud now!" Is this really an emergency worth your big guns? She's a four year old desperate for your understanding and approval. You don't need to be in fight mode.

3. Bring some wisdom to bear. Your mind needs a partner: Your heart. Put your hand on your heart and ask:

“How can I make something good happen now?

Listen. A simple, heartfelt answer will pop into your head. Maybe something like "She's trying to grow into her own person....Don't take it personally....Keep your sense of humor....Give her a hug."

4. Put your inner critic to work doing something useful. Your inner critic just wants to serve. Give it a job. For instance, "This four year old seems to need some autonomy. Will you help me notice every time that I could give her a choice, or let her do it her way?" You'll be amazed what a good servant your inner critic is, alerting you to every time you could make a better choice with your child. Just don't let it beat you up when you make mistakes. Tell it: "Two steps forward, one step back still gets me where I want to go."

5. Just laugh. You won't be able to make a better choice every time. And sometimes your inner critic will still panic and try to drag you off the deep end. Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves that there's no emergency. Even with all it's hurdles, life with kids can be fun — and funny. Even your inner critic can't complain when you're laughing.

This post is part of our Spring-cleaning for Your Psyche Series.

9 Ways To Transform Bratty Behavior

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 22:25:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura, I was wondering if you could do a post about empathic limits. What is an appropriate response to bad behavior from an unconditional parenting approach? For example, every time I come home with my daughter I remind her that when we go inside she must take off her shoes. She often will immediately run to the couch and climb onto it with her shoes on. I know she does this precisely because she knows she's not supposed to, and now I warn her if she doesn't get down she will get a timeout. Usually she gets a timeout. I can't not respond when she does something like this. What can I do instead of a timeout?"

“You don't seem to ever discuss discipline in terms of teaching acceptable behavior. I really think its a lot of bull to give people an excuse not to have decent expectations. Sometimes these kids are brats and they need to be aware of it. I'm not saying that Screaming is good but it or other tactics besides hugs are necessary."

The Aha! Parenting website is actually loaded with information on teaching acceptable behavior using empathic limits, so if you aren't getting enough from these posts, please do some exploring on the website. I'm hoping you'll have an Aha! moment, which is this:

There is no such thing as a brat, only a child who is hurting. When our starting point as parents is a close bond with our children, we are their North Star, the point around which they orient. They want more than anything in the world to protect that relationship and meet our expectations. If our child is acting like a brat, she's either signalling that she needs a stronger connection with us, that she's got some big feelings she needs our help with, or that she can't meet our expectation without some tailored support.

So given that Aha! insight, which would be the most effective tactics to transform "bratty" behavior into cooperative behavior?

1. Having high expectations for our child's behavior
2. Ignoring "bad behavior"
3. Screaming
4. Timeout
5. Give tailored support
6. Setting empathic limits
7. Help the child with the feelings that are keeping him from cooperating by playing
8. Help the child with the feelings that are keeping him from cooperating by crying
9. Hugs

Let's consider each of these in turn.

1. Having high expectations for our child's behavior-
Yes, this is an effective tactic. If we don't expect civility in our home, for instance, then we may not get it. But this only works for age-appropriate expectations. And if she knows the age-appropriate expectation and still doesn't meet it, then either she needs help with the tangled-up feelings that are keeping her from cooperating, or she needs a better connection with us so she WANTS to cooperate.

2. Ignoring the behavior
This only works for temporary issues that you can live with, like your child acting out because he's very hungry. In that case, acknowledge non-judgmentally ("You are so hungry, you're getting very impatient...Let's calm down and get you some good food!"), address his need, and he'll be back to his sunny self. But if your child is repeatedly testing your limits, always intervene. She is asking for your help.

3. Screaming
This is also known as the parental tantrum. It is never an effective tactic in enforcing your expectations, except to the degree that is scares your child into immediate compliance. When we do this in adult relationships, it erodes the relationship. When we do it with our kids, it also erodes the relationship--so kids act out even more. It also scares the child, so it adds an overlay of tangled-up feelings that the child will then end up "acting out" by misbehaving. Screaming is a symptom that you've slipped onto the low road of parenting, into fight or flight, and you're seeing your child as the enemy. Our child is never the enemy, no matter how ugly he's acting. He's a very young human with an immature brain who is signalling that he needs our help.

4. Timeout
This sometimes stops the "bad" behavior immediately. However, it's a symbolic abandonment (which is why it works.) It gives your child the message that you're not there to help her with those upsetting feelings that are driving her to act out. It creates power struggles. And it stops working as kids get older, leaving a child who is in rebellion rather than WANTING to cooperate.

5. Tailored support
Maybe he needs a warning about the transition coming up. Maybe she needs a written schedule, with photos, of her morning routine, so she can feel in charge of it. Maybe you need to play a game that gets her giggling about power and obedience. Maybe you need to put an old sheet on the couch for awhile to keep it clean. But if your repeated reminders that she needs to take off her shoes before getting on the couch aren't working, move on to:

6. Setting empathic limits
Kids don't share our priorities. Why should they? They have their own priorities (jumping on the couch!) and no understanding of our world view (couches cost money). So it's our job, all day, every day, to guide them. "Shoes get the couch dirty...no shoes on the couch." The more firm and consistent you are, the more your child can accept your limit, grieve about it, and move on. The more empathic you are, the more your child will accept your limits without needing to rebel against them. Redirection is the best way to stop the behavior because it channels the energy. "I see that's so much fun! And you know the couch is not for jumping. Come, off the couch. Let's go jump on the old mattress in the basement."

All kids will naturally test limits to see if they're firm. That means for now you'll need to stay with her as you enter the house and helping her get those shoes off, every time, before she heads for the couch. Eventually, it will become a habit, and neither of you will even think about it.

But what if she darts away from you and makes a beeline for the couch, before you can get her shoes off? She's sending you a signal that something's getting in the way of her cooperating with you. What? Emotions. Kids store up their feelings, waiting for a safe chance to release them with a compassionate witness. That's you. If you get to the bottom of these tangled emotions, you'll stop "bad" behavior before it starts.

Sure, you can make her "stuff" those feelings, by screaming at her or punishing her. She'll comply, eventually--until she's old enough to rebel. The teen years won't be pretty. Her chances of depression or anxiety go way up. And you'll never be as close as you could be, to this person you brought into the world.

Or you can help her with those feelings. It will help her cooperate with your agenda. It will teach her emotional intelligence. It will make her more able to meet your expectations as she gets older. And it will bring you closer. How? Play when you can. Cry when you have to.

7. Help the child with the feelings that are keeping him from cooperating- Play when you can.
Take a deep breath and repeat after me: "It is not an emergency. We can play with this." Keep your tone light and playful, so you get her giggling. "Excuse me?! Are you on that couch with your shoes on?! We'll see about that! I'm the couch protector, and I always get my girl!" Scoop her up, laughing, and toss her over your shoulder. As you run around the house with her, take her shoes off and drop them. Sing a silly chant about how much you love her and you'll never let her go. Keep dropping her on the couch and scooping her up again. Finally, collapse together on the couch for a good snuggle.

The next time you enter the house, before you go in the door, tell her you want to play the game again, but first she has to take her shoes off with you, right inside the door. Transform the game into one of re-connection and celebration. Use it any time you need to interrupt "bad" behavior. Giggling releases upset feelings just as crying does, and it triggers oxytocin, the bonding hormone.

8. Help the child with the feelings that are keeping him from cooperating- Cry when you have to.
What if she doesn't giggle? Won't let you take her shoes off? Gets angry and defiant? She's beyond play. Those big feelings are bubbling up, and she's trying to keep them down with anger. Summon up all your compassion. Look her in the eye. Set your limit clearly and kindly. "Sweetie, you know shoes get the couch dirty. I won't let you wear shoes on the couch." She may burst into tears. Hold her while she cries, if she'll let you. Tell her she's safe. If, instead, she lashes out, remember that the tears are right behind the anger. She just needs to feel a little safer to let them out. Which brings us to:

9. Hugs
I agree that hugs are not our only tactic to reconnect and create cooperation. But they are probably our most useful. Hugs help our child feel safe enough to cry and let out the upsets that are driving her to act out. Hugs reconnect us, so our child WANTS to cooperate. And they remind us that our child, even if he's acting "bratty," is our beloved. Hugs rescue our child from the low road he's stumbled onto and pull him back up onto the high road with us. Hugs are no substitute for daily "special time" with your child, but nine hugs a day are essential for him to thrive.

I'll be doing more posts focusing on empathic limits in the near future, but for today, why not try more hugs?

When Kids Simply Won't Cooperate

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 20:05:00 GMT

"What if you do all that, and he still won't brush his teeth? Give up for the night?"

In my post How Can You Set Limits If You Don't Use Threats to Enforce Them? we explored how to deal with the normal resistance that all kids feel from time to time. We used brushing teeth as our example, because most parents have problems with this daily habit in the early years. Why, after all, would any child want to brush his teeth?

I suggested that punishment and force will ultimately create more resistance, because force always creates push-back. After all, how would you feel if someone sat on you, pried open your mouth, forced a toothbrush in and scrubbed? Sure, you might begin to acquiesce. But I'm betting you'd be pushing back in other ways. Force creates power struggles.

I suggested that parents instead:

Stay calm.
Try to see the child's viewpoint, and empathize.
Sidestep the power struggle. You don't have to attend every power struggle to which you're invited!
Invite cooperation through wish fulfillment and play.
Empower your child with choices and by looking together for win/win solutions.

I was deluged with responses from parents asking what to do when all that fails and the child still refuses to cooperate. Shocking, I know. :-) Sometimes we can be patient, empathic and creative, and our child still doesn't cooperate with us. What then?

These are the situations that test us as parents. Even those of us committed to empathic limits get fed up. We find ourselves wondering if there is some perfect threat or bribe that would just get our child to brush her teeth. One well-known parenting expert writes that she threatened to put her young daughter outside in the dark until she was willing to brush. Naturally, it worked. Abandonment is the trump card in parenting.

There are times when we might decide that threats and bribes are warranted. For instance, most parents have forced a resistant child into a car seat. But every time we use force, we're creating push-back later, so if you're doing this daily, it's a signal that you need to rethink the situation.

Or, conversely, we might decide to back off our limit, just this once. "Oh, my! I just realized that tonight is SPECIAL FREE PASS night! That means kids get a free pass for one thing. So you could NOT brush your teeth, just for tonight. But are you sure that's how you want to use it? Instead, you could get one extra story at bedtime. Or you could save it for some other night and use it for not brushing.....Do you just want to save it? I will give you a certificate you can keep and use whenever you want." (Yes, I have seen this work wonders. Kids love knowing they have the certificate and every night they get to choose whether to brush. They so value the certificate that they want to keep it -- so they always choose to brush.)

But here's the thing. By the time we're forcing our child, or fudging our own rules to back off the power struggle and save face for everyone, we're already in the breakdown lane. We're out of options. So we need to heed that red flag, and do more preventive maintenance so we stay out of the breakdown lane!

Here's what I mean. Children are not, by nature, uncooperative, even when they don't agree with our agenda. Children WANT to succeed at what we ask. They're designed by nature to learn, to grow, to master the tasks life sets before them. That includes tasks that are scary, like riding a bike, or take hard work, like learning to read, or aren't altogether pleasant, like brushing their teeth. They face those scary, hard, unpleasant tasks because they trust us. They know we'll keep them safe. They know we wouldn't ask without a good reason. They're willing to cooperate with us, because they know we have their best interests at heart.

Why, then, are there times when they just won't cooperate? Because they lose their connection with us. Not because we've done anything wrong as parents. Because they have some big feelings that are making them feel scared, or sad. Like most of us, they push those feelings down. Unless something triggers them -- a sibling, a disappointment -- they may hold it together, although they're likely to be a bit rigid and demanding. But there's a cost to holding feelings down. When they disconnect from their negative emotions, they disconnect from their positive emotions as well. So they disconnect a bit from us.

Then, when we ask them to do something they don't want to, they balk. Why should they? They're not feeling the connection that makes them want to cooperate. So they dig in their heels. Before you know it, you're in the breakdown lane.

That's why most parenting challenges are best solved with prevention. When kids get a daily chance to roughhouse and laugh with you, they vent those anxious feelings, and they reconnect. When you empathize, they're reassured that you're on their side. When you spend daily special time pouring your love into them, they WANT to try to master the tasks you set for them. And when none of this is enough because they really need to cry, and you support them through a meltdown, they move past those tears and fears and they're relaxed and cooperative for the rest of the day. That's why 5 Preventive Maintenance Habits to Keep Your Child Out of the Breakdown Lane is one of my most popular posts.

So next time you try everything you can think of and your child still balks, take it as a red flag to do more preventive maintenance. Sure, it takes self-discipline on your part. But it's a lot more fun than the breakdown lane. You might even find your child happily brushing her teeth!

How Can You Set Limits If You Don't Use Threats to Enforce Them?

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 21:33:00 GMT

"I'm struggling with how to enforce limits without a consequence. For example, brushing teeth - she'll refuse. It's not reasonable for me to do it by force, so I tell her if she can't brush her teeth, I can't read a bedtime story to her. I do not understand how to set limits if there are no consequences for ignoring the limit."

Great question. How do we "make" our child do what we want, if we don't use force? And brushing teeth is a perfect example, because I've never met a child who was internally motivated to brush his teeth -- or a parent who hasn't been frustrated trying to get kids to brush.

Naturally, we're tempted to threaten our child with punishment. But look at the cost:

It removes from the bedtime routine the one thing that brings our child closer (the bedtime story.) Result: a child who is LESS motivated to cooperate, now and with more important issues.
You lose the opportunity to read with your child, which is arguably one of the most important parent-child interactions in your day, both intellectually and emotionally.
It creates a power struggle by using threats to gain compliance, instead of creating a relationship where our child WANTS to cooperate. What will we do when our child is not motivated by this particular threat? We'll have to up the ante, by threatening a bigger consequence. Sooner or later, that always leads to a stand-off, unless we're willing to use violence.
It teaches our child that disagreements should be resolved with threats and force, rather than recognizing both people's perspectives and finding a win/win situation.

These aren't results we want. But we do, at times, have to insist on certain things. For instance, brushing teeth. What should we do?

1. Stay calm. If you get upset, it moves your child into fight or flight, which makes you look like the enemy -- and makes her less likely to cooperate. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is NOT an emergency.

2. Acknowledge your child's perspective --sincerely and with empathy: "You really don't like brushing your teeth, do you, Sweetie? I hear you, it's boring to stand there and brush when you'd rather be playing."

3. Restate your limit: "In this house, we all brush our teeth before bed. That keeps our teeth healthy."

4. Give her what she wants in her mind using wish fulfillment: "I bet when you're grown up you'll decide NEVER to brush your teeth! Or maybe you'll have toothpaste that tastes like something super delicious and you'll LOVE brushing!" Brain scans show that when we imagine having what we want, the brain indicates satisfaction as if we actually have it, so this helps your child feel better. And using imagination to "think" about the issue gives your child more access to the rational brain. Finally, you're showing her that you do care about her happiness, even when you can't say yes to what she wants.

5. Invite cooperation through play. Once you make it a game, you eliminate the stand-off. Kids can't resist an invitation to play. So get him giggling.

Brush all over his body -- his arm, his ear, his belly. "Is this where I should brush?"
Challenge him to a teeth-brushing contest.
Brush his teeth and comment on everything you find in there: "Is that spaghetti?...Hey, I think there's treasure under there!"
Make funny faces at him while he brushes.

6. Find a win/win solution. If you think outside the box -- and you have time to be creative -- you can always find a solution. Just your commitment to doing so will enlist your child in helping find one. ""Hmm... you don't want to brush...AND we need to keep those teeth clean so the sugar bugs don't eat holes in them....What can we do to make this work for both of us?"

"Want to brush Teddy's teeth and then I'll brush yours?"
"Want to brush MY teeth at the same time that I brush yours?"
"How about if I sing your favorite song to you while you brush?"
"Maybe I should hold you up here so you can look in the mirror while you brush?"
"Want me to read to you while you brush?"
"I know, I'll make funny faces at you while you brush!"

Is this more work than just making your child brush? Yes it is. But it's much more pleasant than holding her down or punishing her. And it's better for your child's development. Look what she's learning:

Mom cares about what I want and tries to work with me (i.e. cooperate) instead of just using her power to force and threaten. That makes me want to cooperate with her.
I'm not a bad person for not wanting to brush my teeth. Mom understands.
People can have different perspectives and needs; if we think outside the box we can always find a solution that works for everyone.
Brushing teeth isn't so bad. It's even fun, because I get to feel close to Mom.
I LOVE my mom. She's awesome. I would never want to disappoint her.

What more could you ask?

How to Give Unconditional Love When You Didn't Get It Yourself

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 17:34:00 GMT

“The key is unconditional kindness to all life, including one’s own, which we refer to as compassion.” – David R. Hawkins

All parents know that children need unconditional love to thrive. But how can we give our children something most of us haven't really experienced?

The answer is that we CAN experience unconditional love -- by giving it to ourselves. We do this by actively, thoughtfully, accepting our selves -- imperfections and all. When we miss the mark of our own standards -- as we all do, all the time -- we give ourselves a compassionate hug, and resolve to give ourselves better support so we can keep moving in the right direction.

Compassion -- whether it comes from inside or outside -- gradually moves humans from a state of being "self-centered" to a state of being "centered in self." Researchers say this deep self-love is the opposite of selfishness.

We become so secure in our ok-ness that we're more emotionally generous. Anger and defensiveness begin to melt away. That lens of love softens our judgment of ourselves, which in turn makes us more loving. We're happier people -- and more peaceful parents.

Here's how:

1. Commit to radical self-compassion. Think of this as parenting yourself in a loving way through all the trials and tribulations of life. As Anne Lamott says, "Take yourself through the day as you would your most beloved mental-patient relative, with great humor and lots of small treats."

Why radical self-compassion? That's the unconditional in "unconditional" love, which means loving yourself deeply regardless of your flaws and mistakes. It's easy to approve of perfection, but humans are never perfect, so you're bound to make mistakes. Love yourself anyway! That's the only way you'll be able to love your child unconditionally. Just snap at your kid? Take a deep breath and soothe yourself; then you'll be better able to repair things with your child.

2. Make repair and connection a way of life. We need seven positive interactions to every negative interaction to keep a relationship in good shape. When your child hurts her sister’s feelings, you help her find a way to make up, to repair the rift she’s created in the relationship. So when you create a rift with your child, you do a variation of this: Offer your child a heartfelt apology, find a way to reconnect and repair, and create seven positive interactions. This not only repairs your relationship with your child; it repairs your own self-love. By creating positive interactions with your child now, you’re healing whatever you wish you hadn’t done or said in the past – so you automatically stop beating yourself up about your past mistakes.

3. Experiment with a mantra to retrain your mind. When you change your thoughts, your feelings become more forgiving, and more loving. Use your mantra as often as possible, so it's more likely to pop into your mind when you're under stress. Some of my favorites:

I am more than enough.
She's acting like a kid because she is a kid.
This is not an emergency. No one's dying. This will be ok.
I'm the role model for my kids.
Whatever happens, I can handle it.
My kids will be ok. They need me, not a perfect mother.
If you remember this in a year, you'll be laughing about it.
Kids need love. Especially when they least deserve it.
I breathe in love. I breathe out love.

4. Meditate. The Buddha said that one of the main benefits of meditation is that it creates unconditional friendliness toward the self. You could also think of this as unconditional love for yourself. Research shows that even ten minutes of meditation every day makes a huge difference in your ability to stay calm. That's because it actually changes your brain -- for the better, and permanently! Why not try it?

5. When you lose it, find a way to use it. Instead of berating yourself when you make a mistake, resolve to learn from it. Ok, so you lost it and screamed at your child. Stop beating yourself up. Calm yourself down. Apologize (and resist the urge to make it your child's fault.) Now, how can you make this a less-frequent occurrence? Start bedtime earlier? Give yourself ten minutes with a cup of herb tea before you start the bedtime routine? Post a schedule to make evenings run more smoothly? Have a rambunctious play session every day before dinner, so the rest of the evening feels calmer and more connected? Commit to spending "special time" with each child every evening, so they aren't running on empty? Commit to exercising or meditating, even for twenty minutes a day? Just do it.

Hard? Yes. You're creating love out of nothing. Transforming dross into gold. Learning to love yourself is the hardest work there is.

But you're worth it.

And so is your child.

This post is part of the series "Spring Cleaning for Your Psyche," which is interspersed with our regular posts for the next few weeks.

Roughhousing: Tears aren't the end of the world

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 23:31:00 GMT

"You always recommend roughhousing, and my kids do love it, but what do I do when they jump all over and get too wild? Last week they broke the lamp and there was glass all over. I was yelling like a crazy woman. I don't know which scared them more -- me or the glass." - Camille

Roughhousing is great for kids. Moving helps work out emotion. Laughter is even more important, since it vents anxiety and creates more oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Roughhousing builds self esteem, especially for kids who are less assertive, or smaller than other kids their age. And like other young mammals, when kids "play" fight, they learn to manage aggression, which makes them less likely to lash out when they're angry.

So when kids wrestle, pillow fight, and roughhouse, it's terrific for them. But it isn't always so good for our houses. And parents often worry that sooner or later, someone will get hurt.

Luckily, we can usually find a way to keep things safe. But that takes some attention on our part, and some teaching, over time. We can't just hope for the best; we need to help our kids learn how to roughhouse safely. It's our job to notice when our kids are getting riled up in a way that signals danger, and give them the tools to stay safe. How?

1. Set limits BEFORE you get angry. The minute you start getting worried that someone will get hurt, it’s a signal to do something. No, not yell. It’s time to intervene in a positive way to make sure things are safe. Many parents try so hard to be patient that they let things get out of hand. Next thing you know, someone's crying, and someone (you!) is yelling. That's not the emotional regulation you want to model.

2. Assess the danger. Is it actually dangerous? Maybe the kids are being loud and exuberant, but having a great time and there's no actual danger to anyone, or to your home. Or maybe a small change would make a difference, like moving the bed closer to the dresser so they can jump onto the bed safely. Maybe your children are having a throwing contest with blocks, but you can substitute stuffed animals.

3. Connect before you correct. Yelling across the room will just add to the frenzy. Instead, go physically to your child. When a child is spinning out of control, you can't get through to her unless you move in close in a friendly way. Make a positive connection with your child BEFORE you ask him to do something different. “You two are having lots of fun with this rough-housing, aren’t you?”

4. Set Limits. State your rule or expectation, firmly and kindly. “This kind of play doesn't belong in this room. I’m worried that you might roll into the lamp or the TV.”

5. Empathize as you offer an alternative, and maybe a choice. "I know it's hard to stop, but this kind of play belongs in the basement on the tumbling mat, or outside. Outside? Ok!"

6. Check in with all participants to be sure everyone is enjoying the activity. "Is everyone still having fun with this?" If one of your kids is getting into a frenzy and the other seems a bit tense, you can help them check in with each other. "Jaden, do you see that your brother isn't laughing? Let's stop for a minute and be sure everyone feels safe....Henry, you can tell Jaden to stop whenever you want. Do you want to practice it, right now?"

7. Help kids create safety rules. If you're worried that someone's about to get hurt, try to resist just shutting down the action out of your own anxiety. Instead, help your kids make rules to keep everyone safe: "Play wrestling is great, as long as you have rules to stay safe. What are your rules? Oh, when someone yells 'Stop!' both people have to stop? And no hitting? Those sound like great rules! How are they working so far? Do you need any other rules?"

8. Tears aren't the end of the world. Often, kids do begin to cry when they get a big bump while roughhousing. Sometimes those tears are appropriate to the injury, and your child is ready to get back into the action after a quick hug from you. Sometimes, they sob wildly, clearly over-reacting. That's a good thing; it means all that laughter has loosened up the feelings stuffed in their emotional backpack, and they're taking advantage of this owie to share the deeper wounds they can't verbalize. After a good cry, your child will be so much more relaxed and happy, since those feelings will be "off his back." So instead of feeling like a bad parent because someone got hurt, relax. Take the opportunity to help your child with his big feelings, and be glad he got a chance to cry. Afterward, ask both kids if they think they need to add any new rules to keep everyone safer next time. You might even write the rules down and post them, so you can easily remind them next time they start getting wild.

9. Help them wind down. Sometimes you do need to redirect to a calmer activity. But often when kids are really wound-up, they're about to melt down. If you sense a melt-down brewing, test it by moving in close and setting a limit. "Ok, Sweetie, time to calm down now. That's enough rowdiness." If she calms down, great! If he bursts into tears, great! Better those feelings should come out by crying in your arms than by his hurting his little brother.

10. Make sure your kids have a safe place to be wild. Like puppies or bear cubs, kids need to roll around, wrestle, climb and jump. Our modern lives don't always offer them that opportunity. If you don't have a yard, or a basement with a tumbling mat, make their room safe for roughhousing, and make sure they get plenty of playtime at the playground or park. If you don't, your couch will start to look a lot like a trampoline, and your lamps will be living dangerously.

Notice how much easier it is when you set the limit BEFORE you get mad? Just calmly, kindly, cheerfully do whatever is necessary to keep the situation, and your anger, from getting out of hand. But don't over-react and just shut down all exuberant play. Wildness is normal for kids. It's usually not an emergency, even if there are some bumps and bruises. Tears aren't the end of the world. And broken glass and yelling are always optional.

When Empathy Doesn't "Work"

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 16:45:00 GMT

"I had just read Dr. Laura’s blog about staying calm and acknowledging his desires. When the screaming and stomping began, I stopped what I was doing and sat down next to my three year old. I made eye contact, listened to his complaint and did not let the screaming anger me; I then calmly explained that I hear him. I know cheesy poofs are so tasty and I love them too but he will have to wait half an hour until dinnertime. He blubbered briefly, collapsed into my arms for a minute and then went to play with his toys. My husband congratulated me on keeping my cool. The best part? He was perfectly pleasant the rest of the evening. Wow!" – Aimee

When parents begin using gentle guidance, they're often amazed by how well empathy "works" to calm their child. For most people, just having our views and feelings acknowledged makes us feel better, so we're more cooperative. So once parents get past their fear of "agreeing" with their child's "negative emotions" they quickly learn to empathize when their child is having a hard time:

"Nothing's going right for you today, huh?"
"You wish you could have ice cream now, I hear you."
"You are very mad at me!"

In fact, empathy is so effective in reconnecting with our upset child and helping her calm down that it takes us by surprise when it "doesn't work." But empathy isn't a trick to control the other person. It's a means of connection, and of helping our child process emotion. So when empathy doesn't "work," consider whether you're really connecting, and whether you're helping your child with her emotions.

Here are the problems I hear most often from parents about "using" empathy:

1. "Empathy makes my child cry harder." Yes, when we validate kids' feelings, the emotions do usually intensify. But we aren't creating those bad feelings. They're in there anyway. Think about a time when you had some big feelings locked up inside -- maybe something bad happened. You were holding it together. Then someone arrived with whom you felt safe, and they hugged you or said something compassionate, and you burst into tears. So when kids have big feelings and we empathize, they do get more in touch with the feelings. But that's a good thing. Because once they feel those emotions, the emotions dissipate. That's how emotions work.

2. "Empathy doesn't stop the tantrum." Once your child is swept into "fight or flight" words don't help. So instead of labeling emotion, communicate safety so your child can let all those feelings up and out. The fewer words the better, just enough so she hears your compassion and knows you're standing by with a hug.

3. "I keep repeating 'You are very sad and frustrated' but they get mad and tell me not to say it." How we acknowledge feelings depends on how old the other person is. With an angry toddler, you might get down on his level and say "You're so mad!" The toddler is often reassured: Mom doesn't think it's an emergency; there's even a name for this tidal wave that's swamping him.

But as kids get older, telling them what they feel makes them angrier. Like most of us, they don't want to be analyzed or manipulated, they want to know you see their side of things. Imagine if you were upset and your partner just kept repeating "You are very sad and frustrated!"

So instead of just labeling the emotion, try really really understanding and empathizing with his perspective: "Oh, Sweetie...how disappointing to see something you want so badly and have me say No... I hear how much you want it....I wish I could say Yes, but not today."

As kids grow, a simple "Oh, Sweetie, I'm sorry it's so hard" or even just "Mmmm.... Wow......My goodness!" will get your empathy across.

4. "I empathize with the emotions, but then she's still upset about it." Empathy helps us see our child's view and reconnect with her. And sometimes that's enough to defuse her emotions. But often we need to go a step further, and give her what she wants with a wish:

"Do you want me to write this here on your birthday list so when it comes time we won't forget about it?"

Sometimes, though, wish fulfillment isn't enough. The disappointment is so great -- or it triggers some earlier hurt that's still lurking and waiting to be expressed -- that only tears will do. In that case, the empathy "worked" so your child felt safe enough to show you her upset. That's how kids build resilience -- they feel safe enough with you to let themselves feel their disappointment fully -- and they learn they can come out on the other side feeling ok.

5. "I say 'You are mad but we don't hit' and he hits again ten minutes later." If your message isn't getting through, it's usually because your child needs more help with his emotions than your empathy is giving him.

Sometimes when we use the word "but" kids don't feel their feelings are really being acknowledged. You might see if there's a difference when you say "You are really mad, aren't you? AND we don't hit." Or sometimes your tone of voice makes a tremendous difference -- parroting the words doesn't actually help you connect.

But the big reason that empathic reminders don't prevent more hitting is that you simply can't expect "talk" of any kind to solve the problem. Kids who hit have big fear locked inside. They need you to create safety and set a compassionate limit so they can cry and show you that fear. Only then does hitting usually stop.

In fact, empathy ALWAYS works to reconnect and help with emotions. (Sometimes that means the emotions come gushing out, which is ultimately healing.) So if your empathy doesn't seem to be "working," maybe words are getting in your way. Stop trying to come up with the right words. Instead, imagine yourself as a child feeling what your son or daughter is feeling at this moment. What do you wish your parent would do right now to love you through this? Do that.

This post was originally written as part of the Carnival of Gentle Discipline, which ran in June 2012. Below, you'll find some wonderful posts by talented authors with terrific insights into why gentle parenting is worth your time and how to implement it on a daily basis. The artwork is by Patchwork Family Art. Visit the store to see all her work.

Don't Worry. Be Happy...In 5 Steps

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 15:13:00 GMT

"Realize that now, in this moment of time, you are creating. You are creating your next moment based on what you are feeling and thinking. That is what’s real. We can let go of the unconscious belief that being anxious about the past or the future will somehow protect us and instead reprogram our cells with new ways of responding.” -- Doc Childre

Do you worry about your child? Join the club. It's part of the job description. But when we say "Be careful!" to our child, we're not giving the message that we care, even though that's what we feel. We're giving the message that the world is an unsafe place and we don't have confidence in our child to navigate it.

Could you say, instead, "Have fun!"? Could you just move closer to the climbing gym to spot him and say "Wow, I see you climbing so high!" Could you remind yourself that a scraped knee wouldn't be the end of the world? Could you let her take the lead?

Research shows that worrying makes us more fearful of bad outcomes. The decisions we make from that fearful place aren't the same decisions we would make from a place of love and trust. Guess which decisions have better outcomes?

Sages have been preaching that our thoughts create our lives ever since teaching began. Whatever we attend to flourishes. So when we focus on something, it’s like looking into a microscope – we make whatever we’re focusing on bigger, in our perceptions and therefore in reality.

Do you doubt this? I know. Our minds are heavily invested in worrying. We think it's insurance, but it's just a ball and chain. Many studies have concluded that people who worry more don’t gain insight or solve problems any better. They simply make themselves more unhappy.

That’s because although worrying is our mind's way of trying to protect us, we're actually negatively programming our subconscious. The subconscious thinks in pictures, and it believes whatever we tell it. Many scientists now agree that all those anxious thoughts looping though our minds are actually giving our subconscious the message to create those scenarios. At the very least, those worried thoughts stimulate feelings of anxiety and stress that keep us from feeling peaceful as parents.

Want to break the worry habit and reprogram your subconscious for happiness? Here's your five step process.

1. Start noticing every time your mind goes into worry. Every time you observe yourself worrying about something, Stop. Breathe. Shake your hands out to let go of that fear. Just noticing your physical state and consciously relaxing sends a message to your mind that there's no emergency.

2. Reassure yourself.

“Every kid gets out of diapers sooner or later.”

"I don't have to be perfect. My kids will be fine, even though I make mistakes."

“I am doing the best I can. Two steps forward, one step back still gets me where I want to go.”

“I'm so grateful my child is safe and healthy.”

"He's acting like a kid because he IS a kid."

3. Reprogram your subconscious. As you say your new statement, show your subconscious a picture of your desired outcome, whether it's your child smiling and safe, or happily flushing the toilet. Don't worry about how to achieve your goal -- that will get your mind involved again, which brings up fear. Instead, summon up a feeling of happy gratitude along with your picture. The longer you can hold that feeling and picture, the more quickly your subconscious starts helping you create it.

4. Take action. Ask yourself: “What is one thing I can do right now (or today) to make this positive outcome more likely?” Then do it. Here's where this technique differs from positive thinking. We have to feel good to know what action to take. But we have to take the action to change our lives.

5. Every time your worry surfaces, repeat these steps. Scientists have found that our minds tend to follow certain tracks repeatedly, like grooves on an old vinyl record. Each time you interrupt a worry and send your subconscious a picture of a happier outcome, you're carving a new path for your mind -- a path of happiness instead of anxiety. Soon, you'll find yourself in a whole new landscape.

This post is part of the series "Spring Cleaning for Your Psyche," which is interspersed with our regular posts for the next few weeks.

Should You Intervene in a Sibling Fight?

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 17:18:00 GMT

"When your son and daughter are fighting with each other, you want them to learn to resolve their differences successfully, but you may have never learned to successfully work through conflicts yourself. Before you can teach your kids to listen, identify the problem, express their feelings, generate solutions, and find common ground, you have to learn those problem-solving skills yourself"- Laura Davis & Janis Keyser

Should you intervene in a sibling fight? If they're working it out well themselves, No. And often, children do. They're endlessly creative. Conflict is actually good for them, because it teaches them how to work things out with other people. As Pamela Dugdale says, “Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caring, quite often the hard way.”

So remind yourself that a certain amount sibling squabbling is not only normal, but necessary. If "peace" depends on kids being forced to swallow their needs to accommodate siblings on a regular basis, it isn't good for either of them. Your children need to develop their voices, learn how to express their needs, try out strategies to meet their goals.

But they also need to learn to listen to each other, empathize, and regulate their anger rather than dumping on others. While our modeling helps with these skills, most kids need some targeted coaching to use them, at least when emotions are running hot.

So when you hear your children beginning to fight, don't rush in. Instead, listen. Watch. If your kids seem stuck, or the anger is escalating, they might need your support to learn some new skills. Don't try to figure out who started it, who provoked who, or who hit who back first. Not only does that never work, it sets kids up to be victims and bullies. Instead, see yourself as a conflict resolution coach. For instance:

Charley: "Jane, did you play with my Pokemon cards? You did! You messed them all up!"

Jane: "I didn't hurt your stupid cards."

Charley: "They are not stupid, you're stupid!"

Jane: "Get out of my room!"

Charley: "You're not the boss of me!"

Jane: "I'm the boss of my room! Get out!"

Charley: "You messed up my cards! I'll mess up your room!" (CRASH!)

Jane: "I hate you, Charley! MOM!!"

What should Mom do?

Mom: (Thinking) Hmm...should I get involved? I'm busy cooking dinner, and sometimes, they work it out. But in this case, it sounds explosive. Maybe this is a good chance to teach them better skills to work things out together.
(Turns off the stove, takes a deep breath and reminds herself to stay calm. Research shows that one of the most important things parents can do to help kids learn to manage their emotions is to stay calm themselves. Kids need to experience their parents as a "holding environment" -- a safe harbor in the storm of their turbulent feelings. If we can stay calm and soothe our children, they will eventually learn to stay calm themselves, which is the first step in learning to manage their feelings.)

Mom: (Speaking as she enters Jane's bedroom) "I hear some loud, angry voices. What's going on?"

Charley: "Jane messed up my Pokemon cards!"

Jane: "Charley wrecked the animal zoo I built!"

Notice Mom doesn't start yelling at each child for their "offenses." She doesn't try to dispense "justice" because she knows that this argument is part of a larger tapestry, and she can't possibly see the whole picture. That will only backfire. Instead, she refuses to take sides, but acknowledges both children.

Mom: (empathizing with both kids) "You two are really upset!

Jane: "I hate you, Charley!"

Charley: "I hate you more, Jane!"

Mom: (Taking a deep breath to stay calm, and setting a limit.) "The rule in our house is that we treat each other with kindness and respect. I hear screaming and hurtful language. Let's all sit down. Come on Charley, sit down right here next to me. Jane, right here on my other side. Now, let's everyone take three deep breaths so we can calm down and listen to each other......one....two.....three. Ok, I want to hear what's upsetting each of you so much. One at a time. Last time, Charley went first. This time, Jane goes first. Jane, what happened?"

Jane: "Charley knocked down my animal zoo. I worked so hard on that with Sophie. We were going to play with it again tomorrow."

Mom: "Charley knocked down your zoo and you're really mad, huh? I see all the blocks and animals all over.......Jane, anything else happen?"

Jane: "I told him to get out of my room and he wouldn't. Isn't that the rule? That he has to get out?"

Mom: "You want Charley to leave your room when you tell him to. That was our family agreement, you're right......Charley, can you tell us what happened from your perspective?"

Charley: "Jane messed up my pokemon cards! She''s not allowed to touch them. She went into my room to get them. She broke the rule too!"

Mom: "So you're mad that Jane went in your room and messed up your Pokemon cards. And you came in her room to tell her?"

Jane: "But he came in and wouldn't get out, and he wrecked my zoo!"

Mom: "One at a time. Jane, it's Charley's turn to talk now. You'll get your turn in a moment. Charley?"

Charley: "Ok, I knocked over the zoo, but that was because she called my cards stupid! "

Mom: "Let me see if I got this right. Charley, you were very angry that Jane went in your room and played with your cards. Then she called them stupid and hurt your feelings. Then she told you to get out of her room. Is that right?"

Charley: "Yes!"

Mom: "And you were so mad, you knocked down her zoo?"

Charley: "Yes!"

Mom: "Ok, thank you for telling us. I see you are working hard to stay calm so we can work this out. Jane, let me see if I understand. You were playing and Charley came in very angry and you told him to leave, right?"

Jane: "Yes."

Mom: "And he was so mad, he knocked over your zoo?"

Jane: "Yes, and now I'm more mad! The whole elephant house is wrecked."

Why go through this?

1. So each child will feel heard.

2. So each child will get a chance to reflect and to see how their actions got them into this situation.

3. So each child will hear each others' side of the story, to develop empathy and social intelligence about the motivations of others.

Mom: (Empathizing and describing.) "So we have two very angry kids here. You are both very upset. Jane's animal zoo is wrecked and Charley's pokemon cards are messed up. And you two are shouting hurtful things at each other, so both of you are hurting in your hearts, and your relationship is hurting right now, too.

Mom: (Helping kids to reflect on what the other child felt and how they contributed to the problem.) "Now I want each of you to imagine what the other one was feeling during the fight. Jane, what do you think Charley was feeling when he came in your room?"

Jane: "He was mad."

Mom: "Yes....and when he talked to you, did that make him feel better?"

Jane: "Well....I guess not."

Charley: "You know you were trying to make me feel worse!"

Mom: "Charley, Jane is talking now, and you and I are listening and breathing so we can stay calm....Jane, what do you think happened inside Charley when he came into your room?"

Jane: "I called his cards stupid....and he got madder...and I told him to leave....and he got madder....."

Mom: "Hmmm....Do you think there was anything different you could have done?"

Jane: "All right, I know. I could have apologized for playing with his cards. I know. But he plays with my things too."

Mom: "Right now we're talking about what just happened. Is there anything you could have done to make things go differently?"

Jane: "Well, he's the one who knocked down my zoo!"

Mom: "Yes, he did. But right now I'm wondering if you see anything you had the power to do that would have made things unfold differently."

Jane: "I could have been nicer and apologized. I didn't have to call his cards stupid."

Mom: "So you think that if you had apologized when he first came in, he might not have gotten so mad?.....Charley, if Jane had done that, would that have changed how you felt?"

Charley: "I would still have been mad that she messed up my cards. But I wouldn't have knocked down her zoo."

Mom: "So Charley, what do you think Jane was feeling during your fight? And what could you have done differently?"

You can see where Mom is going here. Next, she'll ask each child if there is anything they can do to repair things with the other child. By the end of the conversation, it might even work out that Charley and Jane will work together to rebuild the zoo.

Of course, you can't do this every night. Mom is way behind on getting dinner on the table. But the good news is, you don't have to. if you do this for awhile, your children will begin to learn the skills you're teaching. And you'll be amazed to see your children (maybe with some prompting from you) beginning to work things out without your intervention.

You'll probably find everyone in your family is calmer, and a better listener, once you get this habit going. Even you!

10 Keys To Healthy Partnership Conflict Resolution When you Live With Kids

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 20:29:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura....In your last post, you warned parents against fighting in front of our kids. But as you always say, we're not perfect, we're human! What are we supposed to do when we disagree? And isn't it good for kids to see parents work out disagreements, and make up? And isn't okay if spouses don't always agree -- we can still love each other."

Yes, Yes, Yes! The nature of human relationships is that we will disagree. It's wonderful for children to see their parents model how to work out disagreements. It's important for them to know that we don't always agree, but we always love each other. And it's critical for kids to see us make up.

That doesn't mean it's okay to yell at each other in front of our kids. The research shows that a disagreement followed by working things through and making up can teach kids valuable lessons about working through conflicts constructively. But the research also shows that yelling always affects kids badly, even if you make up eventually. Yelling is not constructive conflict resolution, ever. It's a tantrum. (And no, it's not "authentic." What's authentic is the tears and fears under the yelling.)

So given that conflicts are inevitable, how can you best handle them when you live with kids?

1. When you or your partner start to get irritated, start by doing exactly what you would do (or hope to do!) if you were irritated with your child – Breathe! Notice your upset. Remind yourself that you love your partner and you can work this out.

2. If you can keep your equilibrium to discuss the issue, do so. Your kids will benefit from watching you:

Acknowledge the issue. "Hmm...I get stressed out when we're late going someplace. We seem to have a problem leaving the house on time."
Listen to your partner's upset. Breathe. Bite your tongue. You'll get a chance to express your view.
Empathize with your partner's view. "It sounds like you think I'm the one making us late. I hear you were in the car waiting for me and the kids. That must have been frustrating for you, watching it get later and later and we didn't come out of the house."
Express your view without blaming or attacking. "I was frustrated, too. I had to help the kids get their shoes on, plus wrap the pie to take with us, plus get myself ready. I would have loved to have help getting all that ready, and I would have gotten to the car sooner."
Be sure to acknowledge your contribution to the problem. "I do admit that I didn't start getting ready in time. The time just got away from me this afternoon."
Resist "piling on" like "I do all the work around here...If you just helped once in a while, things would work better." Deal only with the issue at hand at this moment.
Agree on a solution for the future. "Let's agree that we'll always set a timer half an hour before we have to leave the house and then we'll all work together to get ready to go. If we're ready early, we can play a quick game of tag in the yard once we load the car."

3. If the conversation starts to get heated, stop. Don't wait until you're fighting mad. The person who is less annoyed can just say, "This deserves a longer discussion than we can have right now. Let's talk later so we can come up with a good solution. I love you, and I know we always work things out." Give each other a big hug.

4. What if one of you has a hard time dropping the issue? Write it down. Really! Put your note in a private place you’ve agreed on, like a decorative bowl on a shelf. Shake on your agreement to talk about it later.

5. What if you're still angry? Remind yourself that you want to work things out with your partner and anger doesn't help you do that. Right now, you're in "fight or flight" and your partner looks like the enemy. Do whatever you need to do to calm yourself and shift your mood, like breathe deeply ten times, shake out your hands, find something to be grateful for. As soon as you can, say to your partner “I need a hug” and give them a big hug.

6. Stop gathering resentments. If you keep gathering kindling, sooner or later you’ll erupt in a firestorm. Just let it go for now. Tell yourself “We’ve made an agreement to talk about this later. Right now, I’m looking for solutions, not blame.” To melt away the anger, notice the more vulnerable feelings under the anger. Are you feeling sad that you’re being taken for granted? Hurt that you’re feeling not listened to? Your partner did not cause these feelings – they’re your feelings, almost certainly from your own childhood. If you let yourself just notice and feel them, they’ll melt away. And then you won’t need the anger, so it will evaporate.

Will your partner’s behavior melt away, too? Sometimes. But even if it doesn’t, you’ll find you can communicate about it so much more effectively that things shift quickly.

7. That evening after the kids are in bed, listen to each other. Express your upset by talking about what you feel under the anger, and what you need, rather than attacking your partner: “Getting the kids ready and out of the house always feels stressful to me…I would like to brainstorm about how we can make the whole thing easier…right now I feel very alone with it, like I have to make it all happen…I would love to feel like we are equal partners in this.” Is this hard? Of course, it takes great maturity. But "expressing anger" by attacking the other person shuts down the safety, and therefore the discussion. If you really want to work things out, research shows this is the best way to do it.

8. The next day, be sure to share with your kids that you resolved the situation. "Remember yesterday when I was upset that Mommy doesn't cook the things I love now that she's a vegetarian? We talked about it. We agreed that I will make whatever food I want two days a week, and she will make her own food if she doesn't want to eat what I'm making. When she cooks, she can make what she wants, and I will always at least try it so I can learn to like new things. Want to help me make dinner on Sunday? I'm thinking meatloaf!"

9. What if you can't agree? Agree to disagree. Explain that to your kids the next day. "Remember when Dad and I disagreed about whether it's time to buy a new car? We got pretty mad, I know. You know that you can be mad at someone and love them at the same time, right? We still aren't sure yet. I'm worried about spending money on a car right now. Dad is worried that the car is breaking down a lot. It's a hard decision. We're going to keep talking about it. Sometimes you have to think a long time before you can make a good decision."

10. Keep your ratio positive and show kids the good things, too. Every relationship needs seven positive interactions to each negative interaction to stay healthy. Initiate positive interactions whenever you can, from kind comments to warm hugs. Be sure your children see your love for each other, played out in front of them on a daily basis. If you've been disagreeing a lot lately, or your kids have been witness to your yelling, step up the warm connection. It's good for your relationship, of course. And that's the modeling children really need to see -- that it's more important to be "love" than to be right.

Do You Fight In Front of Your Kids?

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 20:20:00 GMT

"Yesterday my husband and I had an argument at dinner time in front of the kids. My four year old daughter yelled at us to ‘Be quiet!’ … My two year old had a tough time going to bed, which is unusual for him. Could that have had to do with mommy and daddy arguing?”

In the past, most experts reassured parents that there’s no harm in children seeing them fight, as long as the kids also see the parents make up afterwards. However, recent developments in neurological research challenge this view. Not surprisingly, it turns out that when children hear angry voices, their stress hormones shoot up. In fact, even a sleeping infant registers loud, angry voices and experiences a rush of stress chemicals that takes some time to diminish.

So the research confirms what any child can tell you, which is that it’s frightening when adults argue. After all, parents are the child’s source of security. When parents are out of control, the world becomes a scary place. This “mobilization” response can make it difficult for kids to fall asleep, because the stress hormones stay in the child’s body for hours. Since kids can’t turn to the arguing adults for comfort, they stuff their fear, and it pops out in anxiety, defiance or misbehavior.

Worst of all, when adults raise their voices, it gives children the message that when humans have disagreements, the “grown up” way to handle them is to yell at each other.

Is it ever okay for parents to disagree in front of kids? Doesn’t it model the resilience of relationships, and how to repair them? Yes, if you can avoid getting triggered and letting your disagreement disintegrate into yelling or fighting. For instance:

1. One parent snaps at the other, then immediately course corrects: “I’m so sorry – I’m just feeling stressed – can we try that over? What I meant to say was…” Kids learn from this modeling that anyone can get angry, but that we can take responsibility for our own emotions, apologize, and re-connect.

2. Parents work through a difference of opinion without getting triggered and raising their voices. For instance, if you and your partner have a good-natured discussion about whether to buy a new car, your child learns that humans who live together can have different opinions, listen to each other, and work toward a win/win decision – all respectfully and with affection. Having these kinds of discussions in front of kids is terrific, as long as you agree to postpone the conversation if one of you gets triggered and it becomes an argument.

3. Parents notice that they have a conflict brewing and agree to discuss it later. Hopefully, this happens before there’s any yelling -- or you’ll be modeling yelling! And hopefully, you can close the interaction with a big, public, hug. If you're too mad, take some space to calm down and then prioritize the hug in front of your child, with some little mantra like “It’s okay to get mad….We always make up.” This takes some maturity, but it models self-regulation and repair.

If you’ve fought with your partner in front of your child, please don’t panic. Most couples have. The danger comes from repeated experiences.

Bottom line: All couples have disagreements. It's best for kids if we model how to handle those disagreements respectfully, looking for solutions instead of blame. Adult fierceness is always scary to kids. (And it's best for our partnerships, too, if we handle disagreements respectfully, looking for solutions instead of blame. Anger is a message to us about what we need. It's never appropriate to dump anger on another person, in front of your kids or not.)

Not so easy to do? You're right. Most of us never learned how to manage our own emotions, express our needs without attacking, and handle conflict in a healthy way. So what does healthy conflict resolution look like? And how can you repair things with your kids if you've been fighting in front of them? We'll get into these questions in our posts next week.

5 Steps To Help Kids Learn to Control Their Emotions

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 18:19:00 GMT

"I love your posts, but my husband is afraid that if we allow our kids to get upset as you suggest, they'll never learn to control their emotions. Don't we need to just say No sometimes?" - Rachel

All of us worry about our kids learning to control their emotions. After all, it's emotions that so often get us off track and into trouble. And of course we need to just say No sometimes. Kids can't run into the street, throw their food at each other, or pee on their baby brother. But setting limits on children's behavior doesn't mean we need to set limits on what they feel.

In fact, you can't actually keep your child from getting upset, whether you "allow" it or not. Sending your child to his room to calm down won't keep him from being upset; it will just give him the message that he's all alone with those big, scary emotions, and he'd better try to stuff them. Unfortunately, when humans repress emotion, those emotions are no longer under conscious control. So they pop out un-regulated, when your child lashes out or acts out.

It's that dysregulation that scares us, when our child seems completely out of control. But kids don't get dysregulated because we "allow" their emotions. They get dysregulated when they need to express an emotion but can't. So, instead, they "act (it) out."

So denying emotion or making ourselves wrong for having emotions doesn't help us control them. Here's how a child actually learns to control his emotions:

1. We model healthy emotional self-management by resisting our own little "tantrums" such as yelling. Instead, we take a parent time-out to calm ourselves down. If our child is too young for us to leave the room, we do as much processing at other times as we can, so we can stay more calm while we're with our kids. After all, children learn from us. When we yell, they learn to yell. When we speak respectfully, they learn to speak respectfully. Every time you model in front of your child how to stop yourself from acting when you're angry, your child is learning emotional regulation. (Most of us are still working on this!)

2. We prioritize a deep nurturing connection. Babies learn to soothe their upsets by being soothed by their parents. But even older children need to feel connected to us or they can't regulate themselves emotionally. When we notice our child getting dysregulated, the most important thing we can do is try to reconnect. When kids feel that we're delighted with them, they WANT to cooperate -- so that happy, fun connection eliminates most "misbehavior."

3. We accept our child's feelings, even when they're inconvenient (as feelings often are). ("Oh, Sweetie, I know that's disappointing....I'm so sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted.) When empathy becomes our "go to" response, our child learns that emotions may not feel good, but they're not dangerous, so she accepts and processes them as they come up, instead of stuffing them, where they get uglier. She knows someone understands, which makes her feel just a bit better, so she's more likely to cooperate. She doesn't have to yell to be heard. And when our support helps her learn that she can live through bad feelings and the sun comes out the next day, she begins to develop resilience.

4. We guide behavior but resist the urge to punish. Spankings, time outs, consequences, and shaming don't give kids the help they need with their emotions. In fact, the message kids get is that the emotions that drove them to "misbehave" are bad. So kids try to repress those emotions, and their emotional backpack gets even more full. That's one of the reasons that punishment actually leads to more misbehavior -- those feelings keep bubbling up out of the emotional backpack looking for healing, and your child lashes out because the emotions feel so scary. Instead of punishing, help your child stay on track with positive guidance, help processing emotion, and scaffolding (which just means that we help them to learn the skills until they can do it themselves.)

5. We help our child feel safe enough to feel his emotions, even while we limit his actions ("You can be as mad as you want, but I won't let you hit.") Your angry child is not a bad person, but a hurting, very young human. When kids aren't controlling their emotions, it's because they can't, at that moment. If you can stay compassionate, your child will feel safe enough to surface, feel and express the tears and fears that are driving his anger and acting out. If you can help him cry, those feelings will evaporate -- and the anger and acting out will vanish, too.

Is it important to teach kids words for their emotions? Sure. But don't insist that your child talk about feelings, which takes her out of heart and into her head and makes it harder to work through the feelings. Instead, focus on accepting your child's emotions. That will teach her that:

Emotions aren't bad, they're just part of the richness of being human.
We don't usually have a choice about what we feel, but we always have a choice about how we choose to act.
When you're comfortable with your feelings, you feel them deeply, and then they dissipate. That gives you more control.

Kids who are parented this way learn to "control" their emotions because they have a healthy emotional life, not because they've been told not to feel, punished, or shamed for their feelings.

If you're still working on "controlling" your own "tantrums," you'll be glad to hear that your kids will almost certainly be better at managing their emotions than you are. Why? You're doing the hard work now to help them learn how!

6 Steps to Vaporize Your Negative Beliefs

Wed, 06 Mar 2013 16:56:00 GMT

“I was born perfect. The rest is just beliefs that I picked up…I don’t believe them anymore. I choose to believe that I am perfect and whole.” – Caron Goode

Ever wondered why some parents can keep a sense of humor in the face of their child's challenging behavior while another parent starts yelling? Why some parents plague themselves with criticism, worry and doubt while others seem more able to just relax and enjoy their children?

Yes, some children are more challenging than others. But whatever our child's behavior, we always have the choice of how to respond. And yes, it's our emotional response that determines our actions. But what creates that emotional response?

Our beliefs, which are unconscious and were shaped in early childhood. For instance,

If our parents reacted harshly when we got upset, we concluded that getting upset is an emergency, and we go into fight or flight when our child gets upset -- so our child looks like the enemy.
If we weren't treated with respect when we were young, we may grow into adults who perceive others as disrespecting us -- and we often react with anger to the slightest disrespect, even from a three year old.
If we concluded as children that we simply weren't good enough, then we'll set impossibly high standards and torment ourselves with self criticism.
If our experiences with our own parents made us suspect we weren't lovable, we may doubt our ability to unconditionally love our own children.

We often talk about thoughts and beliefs as if they’re interchangeable. Actually, beliefs are more like a subconscious worldview that shapes how we perceive our experiences, and gives rise to our thoughts. So our beliefs are what lead us to get so upset at our kids, and ourselves.

Why is the mind so self-critical? One of the core beliefs of most minds is that until we're perfect, we don't deserve to be loved, and if we aren't loved, we'll die. So the mind has a big incentive to bludgeon us into perfection. Guess where the mind formed that belief?

When we were infants, and would have died if we couldn't get our parents to love and care for us.
When our parents, because of their own issues, couldn't wholly love us, so we concluded that we weren't lovable.
When we were punished as children and secretly gave up on being able to please our parents.
Anytime we felt criticized, and judged ourselves as not good enough.

Want to heal your self criticism? Six simple steps. (Okay, not so easy. But simple. You can do this.)

1. Say aloud: "I have to be perfect to be loved." Notice your emotional and/or physical reaction. (For me, this phrase turns my stomach and makes me crumple.) This is what we're going to heal. Now just put that aside for a moment.

2. How did your parents react when you displeased them? Imagine a particular incident from your childhood. Play the scene out in your mind with you as the observer. Notice their reactions. Notice your reactions, inside and out. What did you conclude?

3. Can you see why you concluded that you weren't "good enough" to be lovable, just the way you were, from this interaction and others? After you "learned" this belief, you applied it to many other situations. Thoughts derived from this belief create your feelings in interactions even today.

4. Imagine a compassionate observer. Might someone watching have formed a different interpretation than you did? For instance, might they have concluded that:

Your parents were well-intentioned but misinformed about bringing up emotionally healthy children?
Your parents' expectations were unreasonable?
Even if you had been perfect your parents might have found fault with you just because they were human and hadn't been unconditionally loved themselves?
Humans are by definition imperfect, but you were and are "more than enough" and completely lovable?

5. Give your younger self an alternate explanation for your parents' behavior. Tell yourself: "You are lovable and more than enough, just the way you are." Say it aloud. (Yes, aloud. That's an important part of reprogramming your subconscious.) How does that feel? Say it again. Let that good feeling sink in. Say it again: "I am more than enough."

6. Now say aloud again: "I have to be perfect to be loved." Notice your emotional reaction. Are you indignant now, rather than hopeless? That's a good sign. If the words just feel flat, with no emotional resonance, they're no longer true for you. If they feel even a bit true, just keep repeating this exercise until the belief is gone.

A deep belief like this one can take some daily reflection to "reprogram," maybe even a few minutes daily for a month. But since this belief is behind so much of our inner criticism, it's worth it. Even, potentially, miraculous.

Aside to self-critical parents: Are you feeling a bit nervous about the beliefs your child is forming? You don't have to be perfect. Deep beliefs don’t derive from a single incident but the accumulation of repeated parent-child interactions. Just keep supporting yourself to stay emotionally regulated and connected, and your child's beliefs will keep evolving as you do. :-)

This post is part of the series "Spring Cleaning for Your Psyche," which is interspersed with our regular posts for the next few weeks.

What Your Child Wishes You Knew When He Acts Out

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 21:48:00 GMT

"Hey, Mom, Dad, I'm overwhelmed with some big feelings here....I don't know what to do with them...They're bubbling up inside me and I feel so scared and sad and mad...I'll do anything to make these feelings go away, including hit someone...No, don't you come close offering me hugs...that would send me right into tears...I can't bear all that sadness...It must be your fault I'm feeling all these bad feelings....I'll drive you away by any means necessary!"

Don't you wish your child could just TELL you he's feeling this way, instead of screaming "I hate you, you're the worst mother in the world!"?

But when your child is acting out, it's because he CAN'T tell you about those feelings. So he "acts them out." It's his way of sending you an SOS.

So next time your child misbehaves, remind yourself that you're his emotion coach. He doesn't understand these big feelings that are overwhelming him and driving his bad behavior. He needs your help to feel those tears and fears he's been stuffing all day, all week, all year. Once you help him feel safe enough to let those feelings up and out, they'll melt away. He'll feel so much better. Which means he'll act so much better.

How? Empathize. "You are so upset....You didn't want....You wish....Do I have that right?"

That might be enough to get him cooperating. Or maybe he'll launch into an anguished account of how unfair life is, and you are. Just listen, nod, and acknowledge. "So you feel like I'm being unfair when..... No wonder you're upset.... You wish I would....." You don't have to change your decision. Just acknowledge. Then give him a hug and say "Sweetie, Thanks for explaining that to me. I see your view now and I see why you're upset.... I'm sorry we can't do it your way. This is the way it is this time, because it's important to me that ..... But I do hear you. Let me think about this, and we'll talk about it again."

Often, just feeling understood is enough to defuse your child's upset. Over time, as she learns that you really will think about it and look for win/win solutions, she'll be more likely to go along with your requests at this point.

But what if her response to your empathy is to get more upset? That just means the feelings are big and she needs your help to go through them. How? Play when you can, Cry when you have to.

1. Play. Giggling vents the same anxieties (which means fears and stresses) that crying does. And it's so much more fun! Every child needs a roughhousing session of giggling every day, just for emotional maintenance.

Physical play releases oxytocin and other bonding hormones, so it reconnects you with your child and repairs the erosion in your relationship that's caused by daily life. If the giggling comes from games that help your child process fears (like peekaboo or chase games), it also works directly on any backlog of emotion. And if your child is acting up, sometimes keeping your sense of humor and setting the limit playfully is enough to help her feel reconnected, so she wants to cooperate. "Whoa, Girlfriend! Shoes don't go on the couch! What do you think this is, a barn? Moooo....Mooo.....!" might be the perfect playful intervention to get your kid laughing as she takes her shoes off and begins making animal noises with you. Crisis averted, connection repaired.

(Please note: Tickling doesn't seem to provide this release; it's automatic physiology, as opposed to the psychological process when mild fear releases through giggling. And tickling, even when children giggle, often makes kids feel powerless. The child may seem to be having fun, but she can't HELP laughing. If your child begs for tickling, try "threatening" to tickle.)

2. Cry. But what if your child is so wound-up that your playful overtures make him mad? Then he's past the point where play can help. It's time to cry.

Behind that anger, tears are already welling up. If you can help him feel safe enough, he'll go past the anger to the healing tears that will wash away all his upset.

How do you help him feel safe? Compassion. Don't take anything he says personally. Get in touch with your deep love for him and summon up as much kindness as you can. Then empathize "It's so hard, I know.....I'm sorry, Honey."

He may yell back at you. That's okay. Stay compassionate. "You must be so upset, Sweetie. What's wrong?" If you can stay compassionate, rather than attacking back, he will probably burst into tears. Welcome them. Hold him, if he'll let you. Don't try to talk. Breathe and remind yourself that your role is to help him cry by providing an emotional safe space. Talking would shut off the tears, and he needs to get them out.

If he stops crying, remind him of whatever limit is making him angry: "I'm so sorry we can't do that right now." As long as he's crying, your goal is to tap into as much upset as you can, to help him empty that full backpack of feelings that have been making him so demanding or rigid.

Should you reprimand him for rudeness? No. Just create safety. Later, he'll probably apologize without prompting.

I know, your childhood training didn't really prepare you for this. You were probably told to stop crying when you were little--maybe not so sweetly. So your child's crying makes you anxious.

But emotions only go away once we feel them. Until we do, they're stuck in the body, bubbling up and driving behavior. So your child really needs you to accept his emotions and help him breathe his way through them. That's the path back to his natural sense of well-being and connection, the only foundation from which he can "act right."

Your child can't tell you this. But next time he acts out, you'll know.

Change Your Mind, Change Your Feelings

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 05:00:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura -- You say that all emotion comes from our thoughts, so that we can change our thoughts and therefore change our emotions. But you’ve also written that we need to acknowledge our emotions and "feel" them, rather than ignore or stuff them. I’m confused." -- Corinne

The simple answer is that there's a difference between honoring our feelings -- and preventing them. Once we’re feeling an emotion, we have no choice except to breathe our way through it without taking action. That's how we release feelings and move beyond them.

But many of us find that we’re repeatedly swamped with upsetting feelings. Sure, we can spend all of our time breathing through them and releasing, but there’s another way – go to the source. And the source of an emotion is always a thought (sometimes known as a belief, viewpoint, or conclusion).

So while we have no choice but to honor the emotions we’re already feeling, we can completely sidestep many upsetting emotions just by noticing the thought that’s giving rise to our emotions.

"My son should love his brother. In our house people don't get mad at each other."
"My toddler has constant tantrums and it's so embarrassing. I know people think I'm a bad mother.”
"My kid would lose his head if it weren't glued on. Maybe a better punishment would motivate him to remember."
"I must be a terrible parent."

Once you start paying attention to your thinking, you'll be amazed at how many of the thoughts that show up in your mind about your child are negative. And how many of your conclusions aren't even true.

The following thoughts are just as true. Notice how much better they make you feel:

"Everybody gets mad sometimes, even at people they love. It’s normal for kids to squabble. Where’s that book on sibling rivalry so I can give the boys some help with their feelings?”
"I refuse to be embarrassed by a tantrum. Every parent has lived through this and they’re all sympathizing with me right now.”
"He does seem to be forgetting things a lot. Is he overwhelmed? Can I help him develop a better system so he’ll remember?"
"I'm doing the best I can. Two steps forward, one step back still takes me in the right direction. I am more than enough. I love my kids and I'm learning all the time how to regulate my emotions better."

There's nothing wrong with choosing thoughts that make you happier, and a better parent. In fact, that's part of learning to regulate your emotions. Did you know there are parents who stay totally calm in the face of things that drive you crazy? That's because their minds are reassuring them, instead of upsetting them. Which makes it a lot easier to find constructive solutions! As Anais Nin said, "We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are."

Why give negative thoughts the power to send you into a downward spiral? Just change your mind.

This post is part of the series "Spring Cleaning for Your Psyche," which is interspersed with our regular posts for the next few weeks.

Don't Believe Everything You Think

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 05:00:00 GMT

"More often than not, fear doesn’t emerge as nail-biting, cold-feet terror, but surfaces instead as anger, perfectionism, pessimism, low-level anxiety, depression, and feelings of isolation. In these many disguises, fear can permeate life, leaving room for little else. It morphs from one pseudoemotion to another, rarely declaring itself, poisoning each moment it touches." -- Dan Baker, Ph.D.

You may think your moods just come out of nowhere. But scientists now believe that moods are mostly a response to what we think, usually without even noticing. So those bad moods and cranky days are often created by our own inner critics.

We can’t get rid of our inner critics – they’re hard wired. That’s how human minds are designed. They work hard to keep us safe. But every human mind generates fear much of the time. Without conscious management on our parts, fear can permeate our thoughts -- and poison our lives.

Notice how often fearful thoughts cause unhappy emotions: "If he doesn’t start using the potty, he’ll never be able to start school…I just know she won’t stay in bed tonight and I’ll end up screaming at her again…How will she ever make it in college if I'm having to check up on her homework so much?...If I don’t do something drastic to stop this behavior right now my kid will grow up to be a criminal…”

Fear is what pulls us off the high road and onto the low road of parenting. Fear is what makes us hard on ourselves and our children. Fear is what makes us anxious and angry.

That’s why fear has to be consciously confronted. How?

1. Notice your thoughts. Stop. Take a breath. Notice all that chatter in your mind. Is any of it negative? Don't let it get you down. Becoming aware of these thoughts is the first step toward changing them. Once we notice, we stop automatically believing and acting on these thoughts. We have a choice.

2. Challenge the negative thoughts. Notice each and every negative thought and stomp it like bug. Yes, even if it's "true." There is ALWAYS another, more empowering way to see the situation.

3. Reframe the thought: “No, my child will not grow up to be a criminal. He’s acting like a kid because he IS a kid… All kids sleep through the night sooner or later…No high school kid is in diapers.”

You’ll find that you can respond better to any situation from a place of calm than from your mind’s panic.

When you find yourself manufacturing negative scenarios, reprogram your unconscious mind by suggesting a happier ending: “Wouldn’t it be nice if this evening everything went smoothly at bedtime? Wouldn’t it be nice if tonight I stayed calm and cheerful and knew just what to do?”

You’ll be surprised how happy your unconscious mind is to oblige.

This post is part of our Spring-cleaning for Your Psyche Series

Spring-Cleaning for Your Psyche

Thu, 21 Feb 2013 05:00:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura....When I stop and take a breath, I am amazed at the amount of negative thoughts in my head—typically criticizing my ability as a mom, or a wife, or an employee, or a daughter or a friend. It’s so hard to feel like I’m doing anything well at all. How do we get out of the negative thought patterns?" -- Amy

We all feel at times like we aren't good enough. Sometimes it's because we're in an impossible situation where there simply isn't enough of us to go around. But often -- regardless of the objective situation -- we get stuck in negative thought habits. We beat ourselves down, which makes a bad situation worse. If we could only support ourselves to feel like we were more than enough, we might be able to make peace with our situation -- or take some step toward making it better.

The bad news is, the mind is constantly “on.” The mind’s job is to observe, judge, run scenarios, and set off alarms. The mission of the mind is survival, so it’s motivated mostly by fear. Happiness is not in its job description.

Worse yet, the mind's tendency to negativity is often reinforced by the messages we receive in childhood. Our parents' words and actions toward us become the belief system that shapes our inner voice.

But even if we're raised with a generally positive self view, the mind has a tendency toward worry that wears us down. Brain research shows that our minds are constantly looping through patterns that get etched into our neural pathways with frequent use. This often shows up as “My child is doing X… I must be a terrible parent ....and a worthless human being...This is an emergency..I have to MAKE my child act differently!” Sound familiar? Some people call that the monkey brain, or the lizard brain. I call it the inner critic.

The good news is, you can disarm your inner critic. You can even transform it into an inspired inner parent, which is something we all need. So as we head into spring here in North America, I'll be devoting some of these daily posts to mindfulness practices that together add up to a Blueprint to Transform Your Inner Critic.

These aren't my ideas -- they're time-honored mindfulness traditions designed to address this most fundamental challenge all humans face. But I can testify that practicing any or all of these strategies over time will help you to live a more peaceful, loving, and happy life with your child. I think you'll find life inside your head happier, too. Think of this as “ Spring-cleaning for your psyche” (a gift to yourself at any time of year, for those of you in parts of the world where spring isn't approaching!)

Strategies to disarm your inner critic tend to fall into three categories:

Bring awareness to your mind
Change what your mind thinks and says.
Give your mind a vacation.

We'll be exploring multiple strategies and giving you tools in each of these areas.

For today, let's begin by simply noticing your inner world.

1. Notice your thoughts. Stop. Take a breath. Just sit for a few minutes, with your attention turned inward.

2. Observe how your thoughts trigger small waves of emotion. You suddenly remember something you forgot to take care of, and you feel a bit anxious....One more thing to add to the list...All this work, taking care of everyone else....you feel so tired, so unappreciated...a bit hurt and resentful....It's time to get your kids to start helping more...but you can just imagine the fight that will result... are your kids growing up lazy and undisciplined?....You must be doing something wrong....fear clenches in your belly...Maybe a muffin would make you feel better?

Don't worry. Negative thoughts are completely normal. What's useful is to see how quickly they can spiral into negativity, trigger upsetting emotions, and compromise our natural feeling of well-being.

3. Consider that maybe you don't have to believe your thoughts. Really. Your thoughts are not gospel. Many of your thoughts are not even true, they're just opinion, or fears, or knee-jerk reactions. (Who says you're not good enough?!) Once we become aware of our thoughts, we can stop automatically believing and acting on them. It's like sunshine melting away the fog. Suddenly, we have a choice.

For today, just take as many opportunities as you can to stop, breathe, and notice the chatter in your mind.

Ask yourself: "Is that absolutely, definitely true?" (Hint: If it's about the future, it cannot be absolutely true.)

Remind yourself: "I don't have to believe that."

Choose to simply ignore any thoughts you don't want to entertain.

There. Isn't that liberating?

In the next few weeks, watch for:

Don't Believe Everything You Think

Honor Your Emotions – Or Just Change Your Mind?

6 Steps to Vaporize Your Negative Beliefs

Don't Worry. Be Happy...In 5 Steps

The Secret of Raising a Resilient Child

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 20:11:00 GMT

"Where does resilience come from?....It comes from knowing that you never have to be alone….If you feel connected, you will always be able to deal with adversity. The skills we need to deal with adversity begin with a feeling of I can handle this. It is a feeling of No matter what happens, I can find a solution; a feeling of I have dealt with hard times and come out fine before; a feeling of Even when I feel lost, I always have somewhere to turn.” – Dr. Edward Hallowell

Life is full of hard knocks. What makes some people get up the next morning determined to try again, while others give up? Resilience.

There's a common misconception that children develop resilience by encountering failure. That's a myth. Children develop resilience by dealing successfully with failure. When children have the internal and external supports to get up and try again, they learn they can overcome adversity. When a child doesn't have that internal and external support, all he learns from failing is that he's the kind of person who fails.

And just what are those internal and external supports that help your child turn failure into the confidence that no matter what happens, she can handle it?

1. Your empathy. The security of knowing that someone is watching out for him is what allows a child to explore, to risk bumps, disappointment and hurt feelings, and to come out the other side. Empathize when it's hard. Knowing someone cares, understands, and is there to help him pick up the pieces is the foundation of resilience.

2. The experience of solving problems. Manage your own anxiety so you don't make a habit of rescuing your child. Instead, when she gets into a jam, support her in brainstorming possible solutions. If you lecture, teach or solve the problem for her, you're teaching her that she can't solve things herself. Your goal isn't just to solve the problem, but to help your child feel more capable by having the experience of handling a challenge.

3. Emotional regulation. When kids feel overwhelmed by their emotions, they crumble. By contrast, kids who have better emotional regulation can tolerate the frustration of practicing, or the disappointment of losing. They're more likely to apply themselves, and to overcome setbacks. So accept your child's emotions, and honor them. She learns from experience that she can tolerate any emotion she feels and come out the other end intact, and the sun will come up the next day.

4. The experience of mastery. Developing grit--that quality of pushing through obstacles as we pursue something about which we're passionate--depends on the child working hard to accomplish her own goals, whether that's mastering a jump shot, short story, recipe or camping trip. Make sure your child gets plenty of time to initiate and pursue her own passions--not always easy in this age of homework and screentime.

You can't protect your child from the rain that falls in every life. What you can do is make sure that he knows how to find an umbrella, and has the confidence to make it through the storm. Now's the time to start practicing. Some day, your child will look back and remember that he's dealt with hard times before, and he came out fine. It's your unwavering love that will get him there.

Photo Credit: Crushed Red Pepper used by permission.

Why Kids Blame and Lash Out -- and How To Help Them

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 13:50:00 GMT

"My 7 year old daughter has started wanting to make other people (mainly her brother) hurt when she is emotionally hurt. So something happens that hurts her feelings and immediately she wants to lash out and try to make others feel like she does. She steps on a toy, her foot really hurts, she’s crying and it was my fault or her brother’s fault." - Sheryl

“Lashing out” when we’re upset, and “blaming others” for our distress is a completely normal human reaction. Most of us gain the ability to refrain from these almost automatic reactions as we get older, but some people go through their lives with a “chip on their shoulder” blaming others and reacting angrily to imagined slights.

What’s this all about, and how can we help our children (and ourselves!) grow out of it?

I've answered this question at Rachel Turiel's blog 6512 and Growing, where I'm honored to be guest posting today. Please join me there to read the post, comment and ask questions, which I'll be answering.

A Valentines Wish for You

Thu, 14 Feb 2013 05:00:00 GMT

"Behind the anger, behind the disrespect, and behind the manipulation is a scared child in desperate need of connection, love, and acceptance. ... If you show up for your child in a different state, he can only be different...When you are in a loving state, you automatically do the right thing...Love never fails." - Heather T. Forbes

What does Valentine’s Day have to do with parenting? Love. The purpose of Valentines Day is to celebrate love of all kinds. The purpose of parenting, quite obviously, is to raise children. But I believe that parenting has a secret purpose--to transform us, the parents. Parenting helps us heal ourselves. Live more fully. Learn to love unconditionally.

We all forget that, of course. Everyday life often seems like a series of struggles to get our kids to sleep through the night, use the potty, brush their teeth, eat their dinner, stop teasing their sibling, do their homework. Those struggles can take all the joy out of parenting.

But it doesn't have to be that way. It's true that we don't actually have control over our kids, who, after all, are fully human and will make their own choices. And it's true that our ideas of what our child "should" do won't always align with our child's ideas. But there are ways to avoid the struggle to begin with, by staying connected, seeing things from your child's perspective and looking for win/win solutions. And even once there are hurt feelings and anger on both sides, even once it feels like you're trapped in resentment, there's a way out.

The way out is love. Not some lofty, grand idea of love. The nitty-gritty, courageous thing you do in that moment when your child is acting like he's possessed and you're at the end of your rope, ready to give up. The choice that faces you in those really terrible moments, when you're hot with rage and cold, deep inside, with fright. The choice between love and fear.

It's not complicated, really. You just forget everything you've been taught about what you're supposed to do as a parent. Tell yourself: "Love never fails." Blow out your breath to shift yourself back into belly breathing, which calms you down. Remind yourself that your child's behavior is not a reflection on you; only your reaction to his behavior is a reflection on you, and every moment you have a new choice of how to react. Breathe. Let go of all those fearful thoughts about how your child is turning out.

Then, look at this beautiful child you love, who is acting in such an upsetting way at this moment. Consider how terrible she must feel inside to be acting like this. Remind yourself that her upset is a physiological state. Someone this out of control can't listen to reason and can't learn at this moment. What she needs is to feel safe enough to move from "fight or flight" back into a state of equilibrium.

How do you help your child feel safe inside? Love.

Forget about the behavior for now. Go beyond it to heal the cause. Just pour your love into your child. Stay present. Breathe.

Love your child back to feeling safe, and you'll find affection and cooperation return too. Love never fails.

Not complicated, but one of the hardest things you'll ever do. Shifting ourselves out of that state of fear and into love takes all the courage and strength you can summon. But it always works. No child is beyond your love. No love you give is ever wasted.

So my Valentines wish for you is that you have fewer tough moments and more melt-your-heart moments with your child. That you find yourself shifting, over and over in those tough moments, from fear into love. That you find yourself really enjoying your precious, unique, amazing child. That you love being your child's parent. That you rediscover the depths of your love.

Love never fails. May you make miracles today, large and small.

You Can Be The Parent Your Child Always Wanted

Thu, 14 Feb 2013 00:15:00 GMT

"What I have learned from this book (Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How To Stop Yelling and Start Connecting) has already improved my relationship with my eight year old son. My son thanked me this morning for reading this book. He said I am turning into the mom he always wanted. 'Even if it means you don't always get your way?' I asked. He replied, 'It's easy to learn from my mistakes when you aren't yelling at me about them.' I almost burst into tears. This book is amazing, and by reading it I showed him that it is never to late to change your ways."- Shannon

Kids like to get their way. But there's something every child wants even more: Someone who loves you, no matter what. Someone who doesn't yell when you make mistakes. Who loves you even when you're mad or whining, who listens and empathizes ...even when you're wrong, even when you were so upset you were rude, even when you hit your sister. Someone who loves you enough to overcome their own upsets to help you through yours. Someone who holds a vision of you as your best self, even when you can't find that self.

Every child deserves that parent. Of course, we can't always be that parent, because we're only human. But if you're wishing your ratio of good parenting moments was higher, or if you're feeling stuck in a negative cycle, maybe it's time to give yourself the support you deserve.

What's that? You already know how to be that parent? If you're like most moms and dads, you DO know how to be that parent. So you think you'll just get tough on yourself and "do better." You apologize to your child, and then you yell at yourself.

But if you have a plant that's wilting, you don't yell at it to straighten up and grow right. You figure out what it needs to thrive: More water? More sunshine? More room to grow? This applies to your child, of course. But it also applies to you. Being hard on yourself doesn't make you a better parent. Resolving to be more patient doesn't necessarily make you a better parent, if you don't give yourself the support to stay calm and regulate your own emotions.

Why not give yourself the sunshine you need to thrive? Childhood feels long, but it's short. Every day, your child is creating memories. He's shaping his brain. She's laying the foundation for relationships for the rest of her life.

What one thing could you do today to support yourself to be the parent you want to be? Why not just do it?

Is your child coming up short?

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 21:02:00 GMT

"A journalist visited a town famous for its rampant unhappiness to see if he could understand its origin. Walking down the street, he noticed a man ahead of him. Suddenly, a little man, no more than a few inches high, appeared and ran up the man's leg. He started sticking pins into the man and sewing things to him. Instantly, the man was covered by these tiny tailors, all sticking him with pins. He looked completely miserable as he shuffled off. The journalist saw this happen to one person after another, until he was ready to give up and go home. The town was completely infested with tiny tailors; no wonder everyone was unhappy. Then the journalist noticed one woman covered with tiny tailors who apparently said something, and the tiny tailors just melted away. The journalist ran over to her. 'What did you say to get free of them?!" he exclaimed. 'Oh,' she answered, 'It was nothing. I just told them I've decided to stop measuring myself.'” -- Guy Finley

Most of the time when we find ourselves anxious or unhappy, it's because we've been measuring ourselves and come up short. We're constantly comparing ourselves to an ideal in our minds of what we should be. Unfortunately, no live human can ever live up to an ideal.

What if you decided to stop measuring yourself? What if you just accepted yourself in all your imperfect glory, knowing that you'll keep growing, but you'll also wake up irritable some mornings, and forget something important at least once a week, and say exactly the wrong thing on a fairly regular basis?

What if you decided that your kids are okay precisely as they are, without you needing to perfect their table manners, make sure their clothes match, or insist they clean their rooms? What if you allowed yourself to just love your kids, your life, and yourself completely -- messy imperfection and all?

Imagine how liberated you'd feel. How much happier.

You might even find that your child would notice the difference in your love, once you stopped measuring. That she'd relax a bit, and get happier and more cooperative.

Are you worried that he'll get lazy? That she'll stop trying? Consider that maybe what our children need more than anything is appreciation for exactly who they are, right now. Maybe that's what helps them blossom. Maybe you don't have to take them in a little here, or let them out a little there. Maybe you could spend 90% of your time saying YES! I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! Maybe the struggles to learn to crawl will inevitably lead to a child who walks and then runs. Maybe most of their "misbehavior" is immaturity. Maybe even their inconvenient feelings could be greeted with "Oh, Sweetie...thank you for telling/showing me."

I understand that you might find 10% of your interactions focused on getting them to brush their teeth or taste their spinach or not hit their brother. But wouldn't that be a better ratio than what you're doing now?

And no one in your house would ever need to feel they're coming up short again.

10 Steps To Stop Yelling

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 18:17:00 GMT

"Dr Laura....I know I should stop yelling, but I can't. And I can't imagine getting my kids to listen if I don't yell at them...Can you move in with me for a week?!” - Cheralynn

Like Cheralynn, most parents think they "should" stop yelling, but they don't believe there's another way to get their child's attention. After all, it's our job to teach them, and how else can we get them to listen? It’s not like yelling hurts them; they barely listen, they roll their eyes. Of course they know we love them, even if we yell. Right?

Wrong. The truth is that yelling scares kids. It makes them harden their hearts to us. And when we yell, kids go into fight, flight or freeze, so they stop learning whatever we're trying to teach. What's more, when we yell, it trains kids not to listen to us until we raise our voice.

If your child doesn't seem afraid of your anger, it’s an indication that he's seen too much of it and has developed defenses against it -- and against you. The unfortunate result is a child who is less likely to want to behave.

Whether or not they show it, our anger pushes kids of all ages away from us. Yelling at them practically guarantees that they’ll have an “attitude” by the time they’re ten, and that yelling fights will be the norm during their teen years. And as kids harden their hearts to us, they become more open to the pressures of the peer group. We lose our influence with them just when we need it most.

But believe it or not, there are homes where parents don't raise their voices in anger at their children. I don’t mean a cold household, where no emotion is expressed--we all know that’s not good for anyone. And I don't mean these parents have perfect children, or are perfect parents. There's no such thing. These are homes where the parents DO get their buttons pushed and get mad, but are aware enough of their own emotions so they don’t take them out on their kids.

Do you think, like Cheralynn, that you'd need your own private emotion coach in order to stop yelling? Luckily, you already have one – yourself! In fact, the only way to become the parent you want to be is to "parent" yourself compassionately. For most of us, that means re-parenting, learning to coach ourselves lovingly through our own emotions, so we don't take them out on our children. How?

1. Commit to your child that you'll use a respectful voice. (Who else will keep you accountable?) Tell your kids that you're learning, so you'll make mistakes...but that you'll get better and better at it.

2. Realize that your #1 job as a parent is to manage your own emotions, so you're modeling emotional regulation and can help your child learn to manage his emotions. Kids learn empathy when we empathize with them. They learn to scream at us when we raise our voice at them.

3. Remember that kids will act like kids – that’s their job! They're immature humans, learning the ropes. They push on limits to see what's solid. They experiment with power so they can learn to use it responsibly. Their frontal cortex won't be fully developed until age 25, so their emotions often take over, which means they can't think straight when they're upset. And, like other humans, they don't like feeling controlled.

4. Stop gathering "kindling" -- those resentments you start to pile up when you're having a bad day. Once you have enough kindling, a firestorm is inevitable. Instead, stop, take responsibility for your own mood, give yourself what you need to feel better, and shift yourself to a happier place.

5. Offer empathy when your child expresses emotion -- any emotion -- so she'll start to accept her own feelings, which is the first step in learning to manage them. Once children can manage their emotions, they can manage their behavior. Feeling understood also keeps kids from going off the deep end with their upsets so often.

6. Stay connected and see things from your child's perspective, even while you're setting limits. When kids believe we're on their side, they WANT to "behave," so they're more accepting of our limits, and they don't push our buttons as often.

7. When you get angry, STOP. Shut your mouth. Don't take any action or make any decisions. BREATHE deeply. If you're already yelling, stop in mid-sentence. Don't continue until you're calm.

8. Breathe and just notice your feelings. Remove yourself from the situation if possible; otherwise, run some water and splash it on your face to shift your attention from your child to your inner state. Under that anger is fear, and sadness, and disappointment. Let all that well up, and just breathe. Let the tears come if you need to. Once you let yourself feel what's under the anger--without taking action--the anger just melts away.

9. Find your own wisdom. From this calmer place, imagine there's an angel on your shoulder who sees things objectively and wants what's best for everyone in the situation. This is your own personal parenting coach. What does she say? Can she give you a mantra to see things differently, like "I don't have to "win" here...I can let him save face." What would she suggest to get things on a better path? What can you do right now? (Don't skip this step. Research shows it works!)

10. Take positive action from this calmer place. That might mean you ask your child for a do-over. It might mean you apologize. It might mean you help your cranky child with her feelings, so she can have a good cry and you can all have a better day. It might mean you blow off the housework and just snuggle under the covers with your kids and a pile of books until everyone feels better. Just take one step toward helping everyone feel, and do, better -- including you.

The bad news? This is hard. It takes tremendous self-control, and you'll find yourself messing up over and over again. Don't give up.

The good news? It works. It gets easier and easier to stop while you're yelling, and then to stop even before you open your mouth. Just keep moving in the right direction. At some point, you'll realize that it’s been months since you yelled at anyone.

The better news? Your child will transform, right in front of your eyes. You'll see him working hard to control himself when he gets angry, instead of lashing out. You'll see him cooperating more. And you'll see him "listen" -- when you haven't even raised your voice.

An Easy Way To Shift Your Mood -- Permanently!

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 17:30:00 GMT

“Sometimes life is so hard. I just wish I could be in a better mood, so I could be nicer to my kids!" - Karen

"We're not grateful because we're happy. We're happy because we're grateful.” - Brother David Stendl-Rast

Life can be hard. And being a parent is one of the hardest things we do. No wonder we're in a bad mood sometimes.

Getting into a better mood takes effort. We can choose to see things differently, to take better care of ourselves, to tackle the problems that are wearing us down. But that takes work. And there will always be hard days. So if you want an easy way to make a bad day better, and an easy way to increase the happiness you feel on a daily basis, you'll be happy to know that researchers have discovered a strategy that actually works: Gratitude.

Every spiritual tradition has a practice of gratitude. Not just for some presumed spiritual or ethical benefit, but because it works. The heartfelt expression of gratitude lifts us out of the mind’s usual restless feeling of “not enough” into the joy of sufficiency. We open ourselves to take in the blessings that surround us.

Let's do an experiment.
Right now:
Name 10 things for which you're grateful. Feel that gratitude.
Actually do this.
At least 10.

What do you notice after doing this practice?

Research shows that you can actually shift a bad mood with an avalanche of appreciation.

You can even do this with your kids -- they love it! Just start naming things you're grateful for and let everyone chime in. Keep it up for five minutes, and the whole mood in your family will have shifted.

Ready to extend your experiment?

1. Every night before you go to sleep, write down at least three things you're grateful for. (Repetition allowed.) Research shows that finding just three things to feel thankful for increases your happiness set point to make you objectively happier. If you've had a hard time with your child that day, find three things just about your child.

2. Try this with your children during your night time ritual. Of course we all want our children to be appropriately grateful. But do this just for the happiness, not to make your child a "better" person.

3. Try this in lieu of grace, or in addition to it, at your evening meal, by going around the table and having everyone chime in. You'll find this avalanche of appreciation also builds sibling bonds as kids begin to express their appreciation of each other.

No matter how difficult the day, there is always something for which to be grateful.
May your day be filled with the miracle of gratitude.

"If the only prayer you said in your life was 'THANK YOU,' that would suffice." -- Meister Eckhart

The Transition from Play: When Your Child Wants More More More!

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 15:47:00 GMT

"My 7 yr old daughter seems to have a difficult time having her 'cup filled.' Even after 5 minutes of games where I’m doing what she wants whether it’s the tickle monster game or a game of cards with her—something that I consider quality time —she is still needy and can’t turn it off. Even if I’ve given the 2 minute warning, she will continue to jump all over me and then when I’ve clearly stated it’s time for bath, etc., she stomps off. Her attitude negates the fun time we just had. Even when I try to validate her feelings by saying that I know it’s hard to stop the fun, I can’t get through to her. I do understand that she is probably trying to tell me that we need to do this more often and I am working harder at making sure we get that quality time together but when I’m just spent at the end of the day, I don’t know how to respond to her need for more more more when I feel I’ve just given."

We can all relate to this, right? After all, Mom has just spent time focusing intensely on her child, "filling her cup." It's the end of a long day, and it isn't easy to summon up our patience and presence to spend special time with our child, even for a few minutes. At this point, any sane parent is moving kids toward bath and bed. After this nice interaction with Mom, shouldn't the kid go off to her bath with a smile?

Well, maybe some children would. But many kids won't, at least some of the time. And if we want to get through the evening without a rupture in our relationship, it helps to understand what's happening. For instance:

1. Her cup isn't yet full. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, but when kids are away from us all day, they need us intensely in the evening. Five minutes of one-on-one "quality time" may not be enough for your child, especially if she can't count on it daily. She's finally got your undivided attention; why should she let you go?

Imagine you've been waiting for a few days for quality time with your spouse. After five minutes of a lovely connection, your spouse says, "Sorry, we have to stop now." You might have a hard time transitioning, too. You might even feel hurt.

2. It wasn't quality time. Maybe the activity was fun, and maybe your child even chose it, but maybe it didn't fill her deeper hunger to be held, adored, and wholly accepted. Those needs are best filled through physical play, not card games, reading, or other "structured" activities. So while kids get to choose what to do with their Special Time (except that screen time is off-limits), I recommend that every other day the parent gets to choose. On those days, always opt for physical games that get your child laughing, like the "Fix" game. Depending on your child's age, chasing him around the house, a pillow fight, or trying to take off each other's socks will work like magic.

3. It did fill her cup, but she doesn't make transitions easily. All kids have a hard time with transitions, which is why we give them two minute warnings. But some kids need extra help to get themselves from one activity to the next, especially when they're physically wound up from playing with us and the next activity moves them closer to bedtime. So don't take your child's upset as a reflection on your playtime. When you see it from her perspective -- she was just getting going! -- it's a reasonable response. Don't let the tough transition negate the nice connection you just made. Keep your own attitude positive. Is there a way to continue your game in some form as you get her into the tub?

4. Your quality time tapped into some big feelings that need expression. This might be the most common reason for your child having a hard time when you disengage from close time together. Every child grapples with challenging experiences every day, from sitting still in class to making new friends to being afraid of the dark. All day long, he stuffs those emotions until he has a safe time to process them. When you connect deeply with your child, he feels safe enough to let those troubling emotions surface. So it's not surprising that just when we start to disengage, he gets swamped with feelings. You'll know this is happening if your child responds with hurt and anger every time you disengage from a close time together. That's a signal that you need to start allowing more time for your child to cry in your arms on a regular basis.

For now, make sure you allow an extra 10 minutes in case there's a meltdown after you've spent time connecting deeply. When she gets angry that you have to stop, stay compassionate and connected. Be grateful that you've provided this big trigger to help her surface and express whatever is going on inside. This might be the most important thing you do all day.

Acknowledge her big feelings: "You're so upset that we have to stop playing. You just don't feel like it's enough right now. You can count on Special Time tomorrow Sweetie, but right now we do have to stop.....I'm sorry this is so hard for you, Sweetie."

What if she cries? Wonderful! That's an indication that the connection you've made is helping your child feel safe enough to go into scary emotional territory and offload some emotional baggage she's been dragging around.You'll be amazed how cooperative and affectionate she'll be after a good cry in your safe presence. I know it's bath time, but she won't cry forever, and this won't happen every day.

Most parents in this situation get frustrated because we wonder if what we've just given our child made any difference at all. The answer is, YES, YES, YES! Every bit of love and patience you extend toward your child makes a huge difference. Don't take her reluctance to let you go as anything but a vote for more closeness, and an SOS for your help.

Finding Special Time with kids is always tough. After all, parents by definition are sleep-deprived and stretched way too thin. It can be hard to find time for a shower!

But that doesn't mean kids don't need that time with us. Most parents say they're astonished at the difference it makes. If you can't do it daily, then prioritize a longer Special Time where kids choose the activity on weekends, and make sure there's 15 minutes for a physical game with all the kids every day before or after dinner, plus at least five minutes of snuggling with each child (in addition to reading) at bedtime daily. If it means the kids wear clothes still wrinkled out of the laundry basket, who cares? You're giving them the emotional foundation they need to thrive all week long -- and throughout their lives.

3 Steps to Stay Calm When Your Child Isn't

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 19:24:00 GMT

"Seeing your child in distress, and particularly if that distress is directed at you, is the most dysregulating experience there is. Wild, out of control thoughts of epic disaster come unbidden. Rage, self doubt and other destructive feelings quickly cloud your thinking. What if you could work to push those thoughts aside, and in a way analogous to meditation, concentrated on being in the moment, concentrated on remembering to breathe? It would help you focus on your child, and on the immediate task before you rather than its global implications." – Claudia Gold

When our child acts out, lashes out, or is simply in distress, it's natural for us to panic. We're plunged into "fight, flight or freeze" because it feels like an emergency. And if our child's distress is directed at us, then she looks like the enemy.

But it's natural for children to have big feelings, and to act them out. If we "lose it" when our child gets upset, we give her the message that her feelings aren't permitted, which doesn't help her learn to regulate her emotions. Worse, we're saying that we can't control ourselves until she controls herself! Whether she's 5 or 15, that's not what we want to model.

Of course, we know that we can handle any parenting situation better from a state of calm. But when we're in the grip of strong emotions, we aren't thinking. We can't help ourselves.

Or can we? What if there were three steps that would help you shift back into calm, AND keep your child from getting upset as often? There are.

STEP 1: Get Your Own Emotions Regulated

STOP, DROP whatever else you're doing and BREATHE deeply.
Reduce the pressure: Remind yourself that there is no emergency. No one is dying.
Change Your Thoughts: Say a little mantra in your mind: "She's acting like a child because she IS a child. I'm the grown-up here."
Physically release your tension: Notice where you're holding tension in your body and shake it out. Take a deep breath and blow it out. Make a loud (but nonthreatening) sound. Often, water helps ground us. Hold your hands under running water, or get a drink of water.
Be Here Now. If you can bring yourself into the present moment, your upset will drop away. That's because when we're upset, we're actually over-reacting -- we're triggered from the past ("My parents would have smacked me for saying such a thing!" or frightened of the future ("My child is going to be a criminal!"). In this moment, if you can let all that go, there's no emergency.

Step 2: Shift the Energy

Make things emotionally safe. Say "We're having a hard time, Sweetie. Let's try a Do-Over."
Empathize. Acknowledge your child's perspective. "Seems like you want ______. "
Find the common ground. "You need _____And I need _______. What can we do to solve this?"
Connect. In this moment, what action would be healing? Anything else can wait.
Help your child get emotionally regulated. Kids usually do this best by crying in the safety of our arms/presence. Now that you're calm, you can offer your compassion to help him feel safe enough to cry. Breathe your way through this, reminding yourself that her tears are her way of opening his heart to reconnecting.

Step 3: Learn the Lesson

Learn. When you're calm, reflect on what you can learn from what happened. How can you support yourself to stay more emotionally regulated? (Allow more time, get more sleep, better organization, fewer commitments, see things from your child's perspective more?)
Teach. Later, when you and your child feel calm and connected, say "We had a hard time today, didn't we? I'm sorry I got upset. I guess I was worried. I am working hard not to yell. What can each of us do differently next time?"
Change. If this is a recurring situation, make a list of possible solutions and start trying them. Life is too short to endure the same problems over and over again.

You won't remember these steps in the heat of the moment. Why not print out a little cheat sheet and carry it around with you? A few months of practice, and you won't even remember the last time you lost your temper.

The biggest payoff? Your child will become more emotionally even-keeled, too. How's that for a great start to your new year?

The Best Way to Solve Your Child's Problems

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 21:33:00 GMT

"Let there be times when you don't tell someone everything you know about her problem, even if your understanding of it is better than hers." - Guy Finley

"Self Esteem comes from feeling capable in the world, as well as from being loved unconditionally." - Ty and Linda Hatfield

Ever notice how kids don't really want to hear your solutions to their problems? Teenagers, particularly, often react with downright hostility when we give them our good advice. That's because they need to see themselves as capable. Every time we tell our child how to handle something, we're implying that he isn't competent enough to figure it out for himself. We're undermining his confidence, which erodes his self-esteem.

I know, you thought you were being helpful. And I do believe your advice is wise and would help your child! But kids feel more capable when they get a chance to figure things out for themselves. If you're like me, that means you might have to bite your tongue sometimes.

That doesn't mean you can't help your child solve his problems. But think of yourself as the support person, not the boss.

Listen. (Note: same letters as 'silent'.)
Empathize. "It's so upsetting, I know."
Validate. "Wow! This is a tough decision, Honey."
Reflect and help clarify. "So you're worried that if you decide on Option A, then......"
Ask questions that help your child think for herself. "Sounds like you've thought this through...Are we sure what time they close?"
Wonder aloud. "I wonder how she'll respond?"
Reassure your child that it's okay to make mistakes. "I hear how sorry you are about this....Everybody makes mistakes, and it sounds to me like you've learned something important here."
Help your child make amends. "What do you think you could do to make things better?"
Offer to help him practice if he's nervous. "I hear you're nervous about talking with the coach...I get it, he can be a bit fierce. But I'm hoping he'll understand once you explain your thinking....Want to practice with me?"
Express confidence. "It's a hard decision, Sweetie....But it sounds like you've really thought it through....And both outcomes will give you something positive. I don't think you can go wrong with whatever you decide."

You can start early. Even five year olds like to think they can solve their own problems. And they can. Especially if they have a parent who can manage her own anxiety enough to really listen, and simply reflect what they say. "Hmm...So you got pretty mad, huh?....You don't like it when he.....So you think you'll tell him.....I wonder how he'll respond?...Hmm....You've got a point there....you're wondering if it might be better to....."

Before you know it, your kid gives you a quick hug and dashes out the door. With lots of confidence in his ability to sort out his own life. What a wonderful parent! And what a lucky kid.

When You Lose it With Your Child

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 23:35:00 GMT

"Ok, you screamed at your kid. Now what? Unpack your baggage so your kids don't have to carry it. It's all grist for the mill." -- Lu Hanessian

Have you been trying to turn over a new leaf during this first month of 2013? If so, maybe you've been noticing how hard it is to change. Join the club!

So for all of us today, a reminder about losing it.

We don't have to be perfect parents. Really.

We just have to seize those opportunities to realize when we're off-course, and find ways to start moving in the right direction. If when you lose it, you use it -- and set a clear intention to make some changes -- then it losing it will have been completely worth it. Kids are resilient, and they don't need perfection from parents. That would be a heavy burden, because they aren't perfect either. What children need is a parent who models how to be a responsible, loving human. A parent who accepts them with all their imperfections, models compassion and respect, and apologizes and reconnects when things go wrong -- as they inevitably do.

So let go of that heavy baggage of expecting yourself to be perfect. You never will be, but you're more than enough, just the way you are. You're not expected to be perfect. You're only expected to keep growing. Parenting is a journey, not a destination.

So what should you do when you lose it? Get yourself back on track.

1. Get yourself back to calm. When our children get upset or act out, it usually triggers us into fight or flight, which is why we start acting like they're the enemy. But they're not the enemy, and it isn't an emergency. So next time your child starts getting upset, that's your red flag reminder to Stop, Drop (what you're doing), and Breathe so you stay calm.

Take a deep breath. Let go of your fight or flight panic, and shake out that stress. Switch gears emotionally by finding a more positive thought. How about: "I'm a good enough parent...I can make this better with my child right now," or "This isn't an emergency...I can handle this."

2. See it from your child's point of view. Ok, so he was being impossible. I don't know about you, but I've certainly acted impossible when I'm scared, hurt, or just plain overwhelmed. We're all sure we're "right" when we're angry, but there's always another way to look at things. Nobody has to be wrong. If you can acknowledge your child's feelings, it opens the door to reconnecting. "Oh, Sweetie, we are both so upset. I guess you were hoping...." You can still set a limit and guide your child, while offering your understanding.

3. Avoid a Repeat. Later, ask yourself, "What's one thing I can do so I don't lose it next time?"

Can you reduce the amount of stress in your life by paring back so you aren't always rushing?
Is there a certain time of day when everything falls apart? How can you give yourself and your child more support at that time of day?
If you notice you sound like your parents when start yelling, can you unpack your own childhood baggage a bit? If you need to, get some support.
When you start to threaten your child with consequences, can you notice that it's coming from your own sense of helplessness? And, instead, use that as a reminder to take a deep breath and calm yourself down? You'll intervene so much better from a calm state.
If you want to stop yelling, but you're finding it tough, give yourself a break -- It IS tough! But it's also possible, so give yourself better support, in the form of a star chart. Your kids give you stars for every morning or afternoon you don't yell. Every week that's better than the week before is worth celebrating.

Commit to doing that one thing.

Remember that every time you apologize, you're role-modeling.

Now, go hug your child.

Can you "enforce" your limits without force?

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 05:00:00 GMT

"I try to use positive parenting, but there always comes a point where I'm stuck and threaten a timeout. Without punishment, how do I enforce my limits? I can remind him until I'm blue in the face about the things he's supposed to do, but I can't actually MAKE him. What do I do to make my child behave, if I can't use force?" – Lisabet

“Punishments erode relationships and moral growth.” – Alfie Kohn

This is a terrific question. How can we "enforce" our limits?

The short answer is, we can't force anyone to do anything. All we can do is help our child WANT to meet our expectations and help him develop the emotional regulation so he's able to do so.

Sure, force, or the threat of force, works temporarily. Timeouts scare young children into complying because they're a form of ritual, temporary abandonment. But they don't teach kids to regulate the emotions that drove them to behave badly, so the misbehavior continues. Eventually, kids rebel and you have to escalate your force. You can drag your flailing child, but sooner or later you won't be able to do that, and in the meantime she's not learning to manage herself.

What's more, the more often you resort to force, the less your child will WANT to cooperate. I hear frequently from parents of six year olds who have become defiant, now that they can't be dragged to timeout. The six year olds who were never punished with timeouts (or other punishment) but were instead taught family expectations and emotional regulation are much better behaved and cooperative. So force doesn't actually get kids to behave any better. In fact, research shows that punishment makes kids misbehave more.

Here's why. WE know that brushing teeth, not hitting his sister and not sneaking a cookie are for your child's highest good. But he doesn't. In fact, he is strongly driven to avoid teeth brushing, demolish his rival, and eat as many cookies as he can. The only reason for him to go against what he thinks will serve him is that he trusts us to always have his best interests at heart.

But when we punish, he feels wronged. Even if we can get him to parrot back to us why he was punished, he still feels wronged inside. (Don't you remember feeling this way with your parents?) What's more, he doesn't really see how to control the bad feelings that drove him to behave badly. So he feels all alone with those scary feelings, and we aren't there to help him. He feels less and less like trying to please us. That's why punishment destroys our child's desire to behave.

So we can't "enforce" our limits, with or without force. But we CAN make it likely that our child will want to meet our expectations and comply with our limits. How?

1. Teach appropriate behavior with loving guidance.
If your child doesn't know the appropriate behavior, help her learn it. If she does know but won't do it, then help her want to. With brushing teeth, that means making it fun and giving her control. To resist hitting her sister, that means helping her develop a competing impulse, like affection for her sister, and the desire to please you. But she'll also need some tools for emotional regulation.

2. Teach emotional regulation by modeling emotional regulation.
Kids learn how to handle big emotions by watching how we do it.

Does that mean you can't get mad? No. It means you calm down as soon as you can -- eventually (hopefully) before you open your mouth. And you support yourself in every way so you have the internal resources to regulate yourself. Anyone will blow up once they're pushed over the edge. Your responsibility as the grown-up is to stay away from the edge.

3. Help your child manage his emotions by helping him express them.
Even if we're always calm, children still have big feelings. They learn to regulate those emotions when we welcome their feelings, even as we (sometimes) limit their actions. "You're so mad at your sister. I won't let you hurt her. Come here, Sweetie, what's going on that you're so upset?"

Young children need to express emotions by crying and shaking them out. As they get older, their brain development allows them to use words and stories to self-regulate. Of course, even adults need to cry sometimes, so any age child might need your help to cry about a disappointment or hurt. Some parents are fine with sadness but when their child gets angry, they get angry back. But your child's anger is masking his sadness, hurt or fear. He won't show those deeper feelings to you unless he feels safe enough; he'll just keep "acting them out" with "bad" or angry behavior. That's why creating safety is the best parental response any time big emotions flare up.

4. Empower your child to make repairs.
Kids feel terrible when they hurt others. They need a way to dig out of the hole they've created for themselves, so they can feel (and act) like a good person again. Support your child to find ways to repair relationships and make amends. Can your toddler get the ice pack or his friend's blankie? Can your four year old rebuild the tower with her little brother? Can your six year old do her sister's chore?

If YOU impose these as consequences, you're right back to punishment. But if you model this kind of making amends in your family, your child will naturally copy it. And if you apologize often, your child will learn to do so also. Note that all humans need to calm down before apologies and amends are sincere and meaningful. First, help your child express her feelings. Then, wonder aloud if there's a way you can help her make things better again.

5. Above all else, protect the relationship.
Connection trumps everything else in parenting. Children "behave" because they love and trust us and never want to disappoint us. But we have to earn that level of devotion. We earn it by managing our own emotions so we can stay compassionate with our child and help her when she most needs us. Which, if you were wondering, is when she seems to least deserve it. Children need physical snuggling and roughhousing to feel close on a daily basis, and they need our non-reactive compassion to help them through the tough spots. When in doubt, reconnect.

And you'll never find yourself reaching for force again.

****

Are you in Portland? So am I, Thursday January 24!

Boones Ferry Primary School on Wilsonville Rd at 7pm.
http://drmarkhampdx.eventbrite.com/#
Come ask your parenting questions!

Just tell me what to say! - 3 Guiding Principles for Parents

Wed, 23 Jan 2013 05:00:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura...I love your approach. I understand the ideas. But in the heat of the moment, I find myself tongue-tied and I can't figure out what to say." - Teresa

The truth is, what you say is not nearly as important as your attitude. Your child feels your warmth and love even when you don't say a word.

But what about those times when you're not feeling all that much love? Those hot moments when you're trying hard to keep things from blowing up, and you want to say something constructive, but you aren't thinking all that clearly? When you wish you had a fairy godmother whispering in your ear?

Try keeping three basic guidelines in mind: Connection, Feelings, Solutions. If you can use them all, great! But even if you only use one, you'll get yourself and your child on the right track. Every one of these works like a magic wand. Here's how.

1. CONNECT.

Parenting is 90% connection. Kids can't hear us, cooperate with our requests, or even feel good in their own skin unless they feel connected with us. So when everything's going wrong, start by connecting.

When your child isn't listening to you, try putting your hand on her arm and making eye contact before you say "Hey, Sweetie."

When your child is whining, instead of admonishing her to "Use your grown-up voice" try gathering her into your arms and saying "You are feeling out of sorts, aren't you? Nothing seems to be working for you right now. I think you're out of hugs...Let's see what we can do about that."

When your kids are fighting, get between them, put an arm around each one, and say "Let's everyone take a deep breath and calm down now."

2. EMPATHIZE with FEELINGS.

Your child's behavior may need to be limited, but all feelings are allowed. The amazing thing is that once feelings are acknowledged, humans are much more willing to cooperate.

When your child wants something that you don't feel comfortable saying yes to, empathize as you say no. "You wish you could have that....Not today."

Notice how different this is from making him feel guilty for wanting it: "You have plenty of toys, don't be greedy!"

Or being defensive:"You know we can't afford that, I TOLD you we weren't buying anything for you today, don't you start crying about this!"

Instead, acknowledge his desire and empower him to achieve his goal in fantasy: "You REALLY love that, don't you? You wish you could have it. I see how much you want it. I wonder if you could earn enough to buy it for yourself? Or we could write it down on your birthday list, and if you still want it when it's your birthday; maybe we can swing it then."

When your child clobbers your other child and yells "I hate you, I'll kill you!" instead of "You know better than that! How can you be so mean? You know you love your sister!" comfort the child who's hurt, and then tend to the one who's probably hurting even worse inside if it drove him to lash out physically:

"You are so mad, but don't worry. I won't let you kill your sister. You are really hurting inside right now. I'm right here....I will keep everyone safe."

3. LOOK FOR SOLUTIONS, NOT BLAME.

When your children are bickering, instead of blaming "Can't you two stop fighting?!" or stepping in to solve it "Ok, it's your turn tonight, you can have your turn tomorrow night, and no more arguing about this!" help them work together to find a solution to their problem: "I see two kids who both want the same seat...hmmm...I wonder how you can solve this?"

When your child isn't ready to leave the house in the morning, instead of barking orders like "Get your shoes on this minute!" give her the responsibility by pointing to the picture chart by the door with a smile of encouragement: "It's almost time to go...I see you have your clothes on...what do you need to do next?"

When your child forgets something, instead of labeling him: "You are so forgetful! You'd lose your head if...", help him solve his problem: "Hmm...that IS a problem. I wonder what we can do to solve it....what do you think?"

Just remember Connection, Feelings, Solutions. You'll be amazed how the words come to you. Like having a fairy godmother whispering in your ear.

****

Are you in Los Angeles? So am I, today, Wednesday January 23!

9:30am PT at the Parents Education League of LA
http://www.parentseducationleague.org/events/dr-laura-markham-author-event/
Please join me!

7pm at the Church of the Chimes Preschool in Sherman Oaks
http://www.togather.com/event/111/drmarkham-in-sherman-oaks.html
Hope to see you there!

Are you in Portland? I'll be there tomorrow, Thursday January 24!
Boones Ferry Primary School
11495 SW Wilsonville Rd.
http://drmarkhampdx.eventbrite.com/#
Come ask your parenting questions!

What To Say Instead of Praising

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 05:00:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura.....I probably say 'Good Job!" ten times a day....if praise isn't a good idea, what am I supposed to say to encourage good behavior?!" - Ariana

"What kids do need is unconditional support, love with no strings attached. That’s not just different from praise – it’s the opposite of praise. "Good job!" is conditional. It means we’re offering attention and acknowledgment and approval for jumping through our hoops, for doing things that please us." -- Alfie Kohn

Last week, I wrote that praise isn't good for kids. So, like Ariana, you may be wondering how else you can give your child positive feedback. After all, you've heard it takes at least 7 positive interactions for every negative interaction to maintain a good relationship. While hugs and smiles go a long way, you're in constant verbal interaction with your child, and your most common phrase may well be "Good job!" Besides, there are things you'd like him to learn about how to be in the world. How else can you guide him?

The short answer is that our children need to be seen and loved, no matter what. The evaluation inherent is praise is what's problematic.

But that doesn't mean you can't find positive ways to interact with your child, hopefully many of them, all day long. And it doesn't mean you can't help him notice the effect of his choices, so he can make wise ones. Here are some examples.

Instead of:
"Good sharing!"
Try:
"Wow! Look how happy your brother is to have a turn with your toy."

Why? We all want to guide our child, and that does involve value judgments on our part. But instead of just explaining things as good and bad, take the time to help your child see his power in the world. This shows him in ways he can easily understand that his actions really do matter. Rather than telling him that he's good when he acts in accordance with a value that's important to you, point out the result. That way he can decide whether to repeat the behavior to get that result -- rather than just to get your praise.

Instead of:
"Yes, that's a good painting!"
Try:
"I saw you working hard on that painting. Can you tell me about it?"

Why? Maybe it's just a brown mess to your eyes, but she was experimenting with mixing colors. You're not expecting her to be Van Gogh at four. What you want is for her to enjoy the exploration, the process, the work -- not the product.

Instead of:

"You played better today; you almost scored a goal."

Try:

"I love to watch you play!"

Why? it sounds like his playing isn't worth anything unless he scores a goal. We can't say that sports are about fun and teamwork and then push kids to be the one to score the goal. Kids who play sports say the worst part is the ride home in the car when parents inevitably comment on how they can improve their playing. Let the coach play that role. Your role as the parent is to enjoy your child's playing, so that he can enjoy it.

Instead of:
"I'm so proud of you!"
Try:
"You must be so proud of yourself!"

Why? Because if he's to take pride in his accomplishments, he needs to be the judge and the source of the pride. You don't want his self-esteem dependent on other people's feedback, even yours.

Instead of:
"Good job!"
Try:
"You did it!" or "Wow! Look at you up there!"

He needs to know you noticed that he did it, and maybe that you're impressed, if you are. You're mirroring his feelings, not telling him what to feel. Leave the evaluation of whether it's "good" to him.

Does that mean you can't influence your child by telling her that you like what she's doing? Not at all. It's fine to express your own feelings. The danger is when our child gets the message that she's only good enough if she does things our way.

Instead of:
"Big girls help Mommy."
Try:
"I love it when you help me like this. Thank you."

Why? You're teaching your child how to have a relationship with another person. She needs to know -- without guilt trips -- that what she does has an effect on the other person, so she can choose her actions. It isn't about evaluating her as a human being.

Remember that non-specific praise backfires.

Instead of:
"You're such an angel today."
Try:
"I'm having such a good time being with you today. I love it when we have so much fun together."

Why? Your child knows she isn't a little angel, she's a fallible human being -- and if you forget that, she'll need to show you by acting out in the worst way she can think of. Just too much pressure!

There is one kind of general positive feedback that always works, because it's feedback about you:

Instead of:
"You're a good boy."
Try:
"I am so glad I get to be your mom. I love you so much, no matter what!"

What Every Parent Needs to Know About Praise

Thu, 17 Jan 2013 05:00:00 GMT

"An impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. Now the point isn’t to draw, to read, to think, to create – the point is to get the goody, whether it’s an ice cream, a sticker, or a 'Good job!'"-- Alfie Kohn

If you think you should always praise your kids, you may be surprised to hear that studies show praise often backfires.

Research shows that kids who receive money for grades stop taking joy in a job well done and operate in single-minded pursuit of the monetary reward, even to the point of being more likely to cheat. And praise, given its potency as a reward, has similar effects to tangible rewards. So:

Kids who are praised for reading learn that reading isn't inherently rewarding -- so they're less likely to read independently.
Kids who are praised for eating vegetables learn that vegetables aren't inherently delicious -- they need to come with a spoonful of sugar in the form of praise.
Kids who are praised for sharing begin to share less when they think adults aren't watching, because they have apparently learned from the praise that no one in their right mind would share out of the goodness of their heart.

Most parents know that negative judgements undermine children, and at least try to bite their tongue instead of saying "What?! Are you an idiot?!" But positive judgements like "What a smart boy!" also sabotage children. Kids who are told they're smart don't want to disprove it, so they avoid situations in which they may not appear so smart, such as learning new things they might have to work at. They often simply give up at a task they could master with a little effort. (By contrast, when we comment on kids' effort -- "You are really working at that" -- they work harder.)

Maybe worst of all, studies show that kids who are praised a lot conclude that someone is constantly evaluating their performance. They become much more insecure about expressing their own ideas and opinions, worried about whether they will measure up. I suspect that our culture of praise also breeds competition and sibling rivalry: "What about me? Isn't my picture good, too?" Praise teaches children that their value comes from outside them.

To review, Praise:

Makes it less likely that children will independently practice the behaviors they are praised for.
Undermines kids' self-confidence.
Turns them into praise junkies by teaching them to look for outside feedback to feel okay.
Robs kids of their joy in their accomplishments.
Keeps kids from applying themselves for fear they won't live up to the praise.

But that doesn't mean you can't engage positively with your child. All kids thrive on our unconditional positive regard. That's just a fancy way of saying that all children need to feel seen--really seen for who they are--as well as appreciated and encouraged. For example:

1. Notice your child and let him know you're really seeing him.

"I notice you're working really hard on that puzzle...I see your strategy is that you're doing the sides first."

2. Empathize with her excitement.

"Wow, look at you up there!"

3. Encourage effort and practice, not results.

"You're working so hard on that....Just a little more practice and you'll nail it!"

4. Empower by pointing out the results of her behavior.

"Look how happy your friend is to have a turn with your toy."

5. Express your own feelings, including gratitude.

"I love it when we work as a team like this! Thanks so much for helping me."

Notice the difference? You're not judging your child. You're loving him. As Deepak Chopra says, "Love is attention without judgment. In its natural state, attention only appreciates." That's the kind of attention your child needs.

My name is Laura and I'm a (recovering) perfectionist

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 16:28:00 GMT

"I am a recovering perfectionist. Before, I experienced that I and everyone else was always falling short, that who we were and what we did was never quite good enough. I sat in judgment on life itself. Perfectionism is the belief that life is broken...Wholeness lies beyond perfection. The life within us is diminished by judgment...." -- Dr. Naomi Remen

I first went to therapy as a young woman because I hoped it would make me perfect. Even once I realized that I'd never be perfect, I still tried for it, figuring that falling short would at least get me closer.

It wasn't until I became a mother that I realized perfectionism is always the enemy of love. If you're criticizing yourself all the time, you can't feel good inside. Since we can't act much better than we feel, our lack of compassion for ourselves translates into more criticism towards our kids. (Does criticism help you change? Me neither.)

If you're criticizing your child to make her "better," you're giving a clear message that she isn't good enough yet. Most of us go through our entire lives feeling not good enough, because we never felt quite "good enough" as children.

By definition, perfectionism is judging ourselves, our loved ones, and life as not good enough. We reject the present moment -- peanut butter hands, tear-stained face and all -- in favor of some idealized image which can never be real, always holding ourselves back from really loving. (Because how can you love while you're judging?)

We think "if only" our child wouldn't act out, we could love him unconditionally. "If only" we could stop yelling, we could love ourselves. Once our child gets through this phase, we lose weight, and our spouse gets a raise, our real life will start. But as John Lennon once said, Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.

So if you're trying to be a perfect parent and raise perfect kids, imagine going through childhood with a mother or father who thinks you aren't good enough.

Ready to renounce perfection? Remind yourself, like a mantra: "I are more than enough, just the way I am." Commit to your own growth, but also to loving yourself fully, even though you'll still raise your voice and say exactly the wrong thing on a fairly regular basis.

Commit to loving your child exactly as he is, even though he (shockingly!) turns out not to be perfect. Remind yourself that love is what kids need to grow and change.

When your child makes mistakes, say "That's ok, honey. You don't have to be perfect. Nobody's perfect, not even grownups. You are more than enough, just the way you are. You are such a gift to me, and to the world, just the way you are, and I love you so much, no matter what."

You might find that in the midst of imperfection, life feels a whole lot more perfect.

Decoding Your Child's SOS

Tue, 15 Jan 2013 18:00:00 GMT

"All communication is either an SOS or a care package." -- Kelly Bryson

You’ve probably heard the term “Acting out’ refer to misbehaving. It actually means to act out a feeling that you can't express in words.

So when your three year old hits the baby, or your five year old throws a toy at you, or your seven year old slams the door, they’re acting out. You could respond with punishment. After all, the behavior is clearly unacceptable. But you would be missing the feeling that your child is finding so unbearable that he has to act it out. You would be missing your child’s SOS.

Should you overlook the “bad” behavior? Of course not. Move in to keep everyone safe. (In a perfect world, of course, you would do this BEFORE the SOS behavior. But families are made of humans, who by definition aren't perfect. That's ok; Love serves us better than Perfect every time.)

As you set the limit--calmly and kindly--remind yourself that there’s a reason for your child’s behavior. It may not be what you consider a good reason, but it’s her reason. And if you don’t address the need or feeling that’s motivating her behavior, you're not giving her the help she needs to behave.

Want some examples of decoding an SOS?

Children who are always cranky and uncooperative usually need more sleep, more connection, a physical ailment addressed, or a safe opportunity to cry in a parent’s arms.
Children who compete with siblings often need to feel more valued for who they are and more connected to parents.
Children who keep pushing the limits usually need to know the parent is in charge and will keep them (and everyone else) safe. (You show them this by setting limits clearly, firmly and with empathy.)
Children who "don't listen" have usually been trained not to take us seriously unless we yell; they're asking us to partner with them.
Children who are always rebelling usually need to feel more powerful, competent, and respected.
Children who disrespect us are showing that they don't feel connected enough to us.
Children who lie to us feel disconnected and afraid.

What behavior bothers you most from your own child? That behavior is an SOS.

1. What’s the first thing that pops into your head about what’s behind your child’s SOS?
2. What actions could you take to answer your child’s SOS?
3. Make a plan to take at least one of those actions today, and another one tomorrow.

5 Preventive Maintenance Habits to Keep Your Child Out of the Breakdown Lane

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 05:00:00 GMT

I posted this only a few months ago, so it may seem familiar to you. I rarely re-post until at least a year has gone by, but in the past week, I have found myself referring about twenty parents to this post. These five habits are essential for every family, will get you past any rough patch, and will prevent rough patches. They're a perfect way to start the new year. Enjoy!

Dr. Laura....I don't understand how to even begin to validate our very strong willed 2.5 son when he is screaming at me from inside the van and won't get in his seat so we can get his big sister from school and the 6 month old is there as well..." - Anita

What happens to your car if you don't fill it with gas, change the oil, and give it a regular tune up? It ends up in the breakdown lane. Life with children isn't so different. Unfortunately, parents aren't given a preventive maintenance plan for their children. But if you don't refill your child's love tank, roughhouse with him daily so he gets some good giggling in, and give him regular one-on-one time, you can count on more breakdown time. Especially if there's a relatively new baby in the family, or if you're transitioning from conventional parenting to gentle parenting and your child has some old emotions to process.

Unfortunately, once your car is in the breakdown lane, your options are limited. Similarly, there are only so many things you can do once your two year old is in meltdown mode when you're trying to buckle him into his carseat, or your twelve year old is lying to you about drinking with his friends. The trick is to prevent the breakdown to begin with.

By the time you're having a problem with your child, it's hard to see how you could have prevented it. And yes, many kids have issues that present real challenges for parents. But if you're having an ongoing problem with your child, it's worth asking what kinds of preventive maintenance might keep you from ending up in the breakdown lane so often. And if you have more than one child, you certainly can't always be available for meltdowns when your child "blows." That means that your primary parenting strategy has to be prevention.

Here's your 5-step preventive maintenance plan.

1. Make Empathy your go-to way of relating to your child. Empathy strengthens your relationship with your child and helps her feel understood. That makes her WANT to cooperate, and it helps you understand her better. It means she feels safer to feel her emotions as they happen, instead of stuffing them in her emotional backpack where they'll burst out uncontrolled at a later time. Empathy is especially important when you're setting limits. Of course your child needs guidance, but she can’t accept the guidance if the relationship isn’t there to support it. Ninety percent of your interactions with your child should be about connecting, so she can accept the 10 percent that are about correcting. (And yes, gentle parents correct. Kids do need limits and guidance, but they're more effective when they're set with empathy."

2. Daily Roughhousing. Children build up anxiety (mild fear) all day long, and they need a way to let it out. Luckily, nature has designed humans with a great way to vent anxiety: giggling. Laughter really is the best medicine, and the best way to get your child laughing is physical games that very mildly provoke a fear response, such as roughhousing. Roughhousing also releases bonding hormones, so it builds trust. This is important for all kids, but critical if your child has any past traumas to work out, large or small. That includes past punishment and yelling, if you're making the transition from conventional to peaceful parenting. (One caveat: I don't recommend tickling. It is a different physiological response so it doesn't accomplish the goal of release, and it can make kids feel out of control.)

3. Special Time. Life has a way of disconnecting us. Spending one-on-one time with each child daily is your most important tool to build trust, stay connected and help your child express his emotions. Most parents tell me that once they start daily Special Time, their problems with their child diminish dramatically, whether the problem is aggression between siblings, tantrums, or defiance.

4. Use Routines. You don't have to be a slave to the schedule, but regular routines minimize your job as head cop, reduce power struggles and increase your child's sense of safety.

5. Scheduled meltdowns. What's a scheduled meltdown? It's the same meltdown your child would have had at the playground or supermarket, except you give him a chance to have it at home, at your convenience! Most parents need to convert their attitude from disapproval of their child's feelings to welcoming them. Yes, it is good for your child to cry, in your warm presence! Once he feels those scary emotions, they evaporate and he is free to get on with his life. Tears are nature's way of healing us.

Basically, you notice when your child is cranky, aggressive, or simply seems unhappy. Instead of sighing and hoping your kid will snap out of it, you see these early warning signals like red lights on the dashboard, and do some scheduled maintenance. First, acknowledge any irritation you have at your child, and shift yourself to a more empathic frame of mind, so you can be compassionate.

Your goal is to help your child express what's going on. Most kids can't articulate it, of course, but if you help him, he can show you. How? Set a kind limit about whatever he's doing: "Sweetie, you're yelling, and that hurts my ears. Can you tell me what you want in an inside voice?" If he gets angry, ratchet up your empathy a notch: "Oh, Sweetie, I see you're upset...I'm sorry this is so hard." Behind his anger there are tears and fears, and your goal is to help him feel safe enough to go behind the anger to show you his hurts. If you can stay compassionate enough (which is the challenge for most parents), he'll cry. (That's what's therapeutic, not the anger.) After he's gotten those upsets off his chest, he'll be back to his best self. And since you've gotten the meltdown out of the way at a time when you can really listen, you've just dodged the tantrum that would have happened next time you try to buckle him into his carseat.

Children raised with empathy, roughhousing, special time, routines and scheduled meltdowns are better able to regulate their emotions, and therefore their behavior. So you can spend more time laughing and connecting, and less time in the breakdown lane.

*******

P.S. Want more practical, kid-tested strategies to make life with your child happier and more rewarding? You'll find them in my new book: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting.

Get Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids from Amazon (including for Kindle).
Get Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids from Barnes and Noble (Including for Nook.
Get Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids from an Independent Bookseller near you
Get Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids directly from Dr. Laura (autographed copy inscribed to you)

Have You Already Given Up On Your Parenting Resolution?

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 20:22:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura....I've already given up on my New Year's Resolution to be a more peaceful mother because I've blown it over and over...and it's only the first week of the year! -- Sylvia

How are you doing at keeping your New Year's resolution?

(a) Great!
(b) Not so great.
(c) I've given up on keeping my resolution.
(d) I gave up making resolutions a long time ago because they always fail.

If you answered anything other than (a), join the club. Change is hard. If it were easy, we wouldn't have invented the idea of using the new year to give us some momentum.

But it's only the first week of the year. We have a whole year ahead of us to practice. To practice being more patient, practice pausing before we rush in, practice empathizing when our child expresses inconvenient feelings.

Because that's what parenting is -- a practice. Sort of like a meditation practice. We may get more skillful at it, but we never get perfect. Perfection isn't possible, and it isn't even the goal. The goal is love. (And aiming for perfection actually makes us less loving to ourselves and others, so drop that perfectionism like a hot potato, and let's go for something worth aiming for!)

So if you haven't been perfect at your New Year's resolution, what does that tell you? That you're a failure as a parent and a person? That your child is impossible, beyond salvaging? That you might as well just give up? NO! It tells you that this parenting stuff IS REALLY, REALLY HARD!!

So don't give up. Just take it one step at a time. Three simple steps.

1. Commit yourself by saying your goal aloud as if you're already accomplishing it. Write it down where you'll see it every day. For instance: "I am becoming a more patient mother."

2. Each day, decide one step you'll take toward your goal.

For instance: "Today I will take a deep breath and calm myself when I start to feel stressed with the kids."

3. Every day, forgive yourself that you didn't do it perfectly. This is a practice, remember? There's no deadline. Then figure out the next step in the right direction. Refine and Repeat.

For instance: "Better, but still hard to get calm when I feel frustrated. Tomorrow add a mantra: 'They're acting like kids because they are kids.'"

Or: "I think I'd be more patient if I were less stressed about getting them into bed. I'm going to start the whole bedtime routine half an hour earlier so I can really enjoy reading and snuggling with them."

You may find yourself working on the same step for a month. That's good. It takes at least that long for a new habit to stick.

Assume you'll be taking lots of steps backward. That doesn't mean you've failed. As James A. Michener said, "Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries." And, I would add, the ninth and tenth.

5 Resolutions That Will Make You a Better Parent This Year

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 18:45:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura....My new year's resolution is to be more patient. But when I told my family, they reminded me that I made the same resolution last year. I feel like a failure, even though I know I've become a better mother over the past year." -- Christina

If you make the same resolution every year, join the club. That doesn't mean you're a failure. It means you're headed in the right direction, and you aren't perfect yet. (Shocking, I know!)

The bad news is, you won't be perfect this year either. The good news is, you don't have to be! Kids are resilient, and they don't need perfection from parents. What they need is a parent who accepts them with all their imperfections, models compassion and respect, and apologizes and reconnects when things go wrong -- as they inevitably do.

This is tough work, because it's about regulating ourselves. That's why resolving to be more patient rarely works. By the time we're gritting our teeth to stay "patient" we're already sliding into the stress response of fight or flight.

But if you want to become a more patient parent – and a happier person – it’s completely possible. Here are 5 Resolutions to support you in that goal. Practicing these is the work of a lifetime, so you still won't be perfect in a year -- in fact, you might make these same resolutions next year! But I guarantee you'll be a more peaceful parent, with a happier child.

1. Resolve to take care of yourself and stay centered so you can be the happy, patient, encouraging parent your child deserves. That means integrating daily sustainable self-nurturing into your life: Go to bed earlier so you’re better rested, eat healthfully to maintain your mood, transform any inner negative voices into encouraging ones, and slow down your pace so you can enjoy your life. Most important of all, commit to managing yourself. When your emotions are dysregulated, you're in fight or flight, and your child looks like the enemy. Calm yourself before you engage with your child.

2. Resolve to love the one you’re with. The one thing we know for certain about child development is that kids who feel loved and cherished thrive. That doesn’t mean kids who ARE loved – plenty of kids whose parents love them don’t thrive. The kids who thrive are the ones who FEEL loved and cherished for exactly who they are. Every child is unique, so it takes a different approach for that child to feel seen and loved. The hard work for us as parents is accepting who our child is, warts and all – and cherishing him or her for being that person, even while guiding behavior. The secret? See it from his perspective, use a positive lens, and celebrate every step in the right direction.

3. Resolve to stay connected. Kids only cooperate and "follow" our leadership when they feel connected. But separation happens, so we have to repeatedly reconnect. Remember that quality time is about connection, not teaching, so it’s mostly unstructured. Hug your child first thing every morning and when you say goodbye. When you’re reunited later in the day, spend fifteen minutes solely focused on your child. (What do you do in that 15 minutes? Listen, commiserate, hug, roughhouse, laugh, play, empathize, listen some more.) Stop working before dinner time so you can devote your evening to your family. Eat dinner together. Have a chat and a silent snuggle at bedtime every night with each child.

4. Resolve to role model respect. Want to raise kids who are considerate and respectful, right through the teen years? Take a deep breath, and speak to them respectfully. After all, kids learn from what we model. If we can't manage our own emotions, we can't expect our kids to learn to manage theirs. Not always easy when you’re angry, so remember your mantras: You’re the role model, Don’t take it personally, It's not an emergency, and This too shall pass!

5. Resolve to address the needs and feelings behind your child’s behavior. If yelling or punishing your child for his behavior was effective, it would have worked already. All "misbehavior" is a red flag that your child needs your help to process big emotions or fill unmet needs. Once you address the feelings or needs, the behavior changes. Parents who lead by loving example, redirect pre-emptively rather than punish (“You can throw the ball outside”), and set limits empathically (“You’re mad and sad, but we don’t hit. Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel”) raise self-disciplined kids who WANT to cooperate.

Sure, your child will make mistakes, and so will you. There are no perfect parents, no perfect children, and no perfect families. But there are families who live in the embrace of great love, where everyone thrives. The only way to create that kind of family is to make daily choices that take you in that direction. It's not magic, just the hard work of course correction to stay on the right path.

So don't worry if you're making the same resolutions every year. That just means you're keeping yourself on track by choosing, over and over, to take positive steps in the right direction. Before you know it, you'll find yourself in a whole new landscape. Parenting, after all, is a journey -- not a destination.

The Secret to Keeping a New Year's Resolution

Wed, 02 Jan 2013 21:08:00 GMT

"The moment one commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred...Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now." - Goethe

The #1 New Years Resolution for parents everywhere is to stop yelling. Sound familiar?

Or maybe your resolution is to transform your relationship with your son or daughter because you know that's the first step toward your child changing. Or maybe you're desperate to shift the tone in your house from sniping and snotty to laughing and loving.

While we have the ability to create change at any time, there's something about the symbolic fresh start of the new year that gives us a little extra momentum. But if you're like most of us, you've had the experience of making resolutions only to give up in frustration and self-disgust within a few weeks.

Why do most new year's resolutions fail? Because the resolutions were too vague, or too overwhelming, or we didn’t have a plan, or we didn’t revise our plan to accommodate reality when we hit a wall. Or maybe we never really committed ourselves, so our resolution couldn’t grow roots, much less flower.

But the biggest reason is that habits are hard to break, and resolutions by themselves are a wish without a plan. Intention by itself is a great beginning, but it's only the first step of the journey.

There are a few lucky folks who actually make their New Year's resolutions come true, however. What can we learn from them?

1. Prioritize. You can't get more fit, stop yelling at your kids, and transform your marriage all at once. It's fine to dream big. Start with one manageable goal now, and then make a list of "next goals" to cultivate after you've mastered your first resolution. But put that longer list away for at least a month, and more likely three. Mastering one goal gives you more confidence to tackle the others.

2. Start by Supporting Yourself. You can't expect seeds to germinate on concrete. Flowers bloom when we support their growth by cultivating the soil. So your plan to stop yelling will work a lot better if your first steps are de-stressing, getting enough sleep, and monitoring your own moods. Notice how your child acts better when he gets his needs met? You're the same way. Intention will only take you so far. You have to address the needs and feelings that drive your behavior.

3. Commit yourself – on paper, and in public. Once we set an intention, the universe lines up to support us. We marshal resources we never even suspected we had available, from both inside and out. So go public--tell your family your intention. Then, write your intention down and put it in your pocket: "I am more and more able to regulate my own emotions." Really! Research shows that thoughts we write down and "carry with us" blossom. (Have something you want to get rid of? The same research shows that when you write something down ("Yelling!") and throw it in the garbage, you lessen its hold on you.)

4. Hone your desire: Why do you want this goal? What will be different in your life once you achieve it? Describe what your life will look like, to whet your appetite. Fierce desire + Intention = the Seed of your Resolution. Without that seed, nothing grows.

5. Make a plan. The only way anyone ever met a goal was by breaking it into little pieces and accomplishing one day at a time. How will you support yourself to accomplish your resolution? What will you actually do to achieve your goal? Write it all down. If your plan is to stop yelling, for instance, how can you give yourself daily support to stay on track? What will you do in the moment when you start to lose it? (If you already have Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How To Stop Yelling and Start Connecting, you'll find step by step support in the first section of the book.)

6. Take one small step a day. Assign yourself a very reasonable task for each day, with one day every week free for catch-up or time off. It might be the same task every day: “Get up ten minutes earlier than usual to listen to a meditation cd.” Or maybe you need to begin with something even more foundational: "Go to bed half an hour earlier every night."

Put your daily tasks on your calendar. Make a chart to check off your daily progress, and put it up in a public place. Every day you stick to your plan, you’re growing roots.

7. Take it one day at a time. If change were easy, you'd already be doing it. So naturally it's hard to imagine that change lasting forever, or even for a year. But you can do anything for an hour. From there, it isn't such a big stretch to go a whole afternoon. Before you know it, you've clocked a day, and then a week, of your new life.

8. Make it a habit. Most resolutions go wrong because they aren’t sustained for long enough to change a habit. Habits need to be repeated daily for 30 days to become entrenched. Check in every day and take a positive action towards your goal. Think of this as watering your Resolution. Don’t lose heart if your Resolution isn’t flowering during the first month. You should be able to see those shoots poking up, and maybe some buds forming. In other words, progress in the right direction.

9. What about those days when you blow it? Plan now -- of course those days will happen! If you learn from it, it's not a total loss. What can you do next time so you keep to your intention? Use those times you fall short of your goal to make a plan for the future, now. For instance, if your intention is to stop yelling at your child, and you notice you're always yelling in the morning, you might need to rethink your morning routine. This is creating the nourishing conditions your resolution needs to blossom.

10. Review and Revise. Revise your plan as necessary. For instance, if you're trying to stop yelling, you'll find that most of the time you're already yelling before you even notice. That's okay. For now, maybe your goal should be to shut your mouth as soon as you realize you're yelling. Over time, you'll be able to notice sooner and close your mouth faster. Then, you'll become aware of your anger mounting before you even open your mouth, and maybe even as you start building up a reservoir of annoyance.

Check your plan every single day. Give yourself lavish positive reinforcement for every day you take a step forward – which should be often, since that means doing just one small task each day. Think of yourself as a baby learning to walk and cheer yourself on at every step.

Not working? Maybe you need some sunshine and fertilizer. Remember, your behavior is driven by needs and feelings. Address them and you'll see your behavior change. Find whatever support you need to help you make your intention a reality.

There's no deadline. The important thing is that you're headed in the right direction. Even two steps forward, one step back will get you where you’re going. Any goal worth achieving takes time and hard work. Sometimes the impossible just takes a little longer. I'll be here cheering you on every step of the way.

****

Want to support yourself for real change? Get your copy of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting! Here's what Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama says about it: "The is THE book that has actually shown me, in a palatable manner, how to be the patient, non-voice-raising mama I knew I could be." If you didn't get it in your stocking, this is the gift to give yourself for a better new year.

Get Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids from Amazon (including for Kindle).
Get Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids from Barnes and Noble (Including for Nook.
Get Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids from an Independent Bookseller near you
Get Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids directly from Dr. Laura (autographed copy inscribed to you)

Nancy Lanza, Liza Long and the Rest of Us

Thu, 20 Dec 2012 05:00:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura....I was moved by Liza Long's plea in her post "I am Adam Lanza's mother" but bothered by her approach to her son. Couldn't that be part of the problem? Or is he just a boy whose problems are too big to do anything about except to medicate him or lock him up, like the Sandy Hook shooter?"

No baby is born a murderer. We all know that Nancy Lanza's 20 year old son shot her several times in her bed with her own gun, then drove to an elementary school to commit mass murder. We can only speculate, at this point, about what led up to this event.

Shortly after, Liza Long made waves with her post "I am Adam Lanza's mother," in which she described two incidents in which she put her 13 year old son in the hospital, first for threatening her with a knife and subsequently for threatening to jump out of her car. Long says that unless we talk seriously about funding for mental health services in this country so that every family that needs help gets it, we will have more horrific tragedies. Amen.

My heart goes out to Liza Long. And my heart breaks for Nancy Lanza. Every parent who hears these stories must also be aware that if things were different, we could be in their shoes. Just as we could be in the shoes of the parents who are mourning the loss of their children last Friday.

I can only imagine that Lanza's life with her son was incredibly difficult. Kids don't suddenly become mass murderers at age 20 without any warning. The babysitter who looked after Adam Lanza when he was ten years old says he had terrible tantrums. Even a psychotic break has warning signs, and this was not just a psychotic break -- which does not lead to violence in most cases -- this was an enraged young man. That kind of rage is virtually always preceded by years of scaring those around one with threats and rages. Prior to his rampage, Lanza was reportedly seeking to send her son away to some sort of specialized school that could offer appropriate supervision. Given all this, I can't help but question her judgment for keeping assault weapons in her house and for teaching her son to shoot them. But what I don't question is that she loved her son. Connecticut requires that divorcing couples take parenting classes, but clearly those classes were not sufficient to help the Lanzas.

I wonder if Liza Long has pursued parenting classes? Long has insurance, but says she can't find mental health services for her son. Meanwhile, she's clearly been given some bad, if standard, parenting advice, focused on punishment instead of connection. We all know what it's like to get to the end of our rope, and parents of difficult kids, understandably, get there much sooner. Long can be commended for staying calm in the face of her son's defiance and swearing. But the conventional parenting advice of threats, consequences and punishment isn't serving her or her son. Research shows that punishment always erodes the parent-child relationship and makes kids less likely to cooperate. Limits are essential, but they need to be accompanied by empathy, so the child knows the parent is on his side and is more willing to take direction.

In the example Long gives in her post, she gets into a showdown with her son about whether his school will allow certain pants. She ends up driving him to the hospital to be sedated. What a scary, sad, unnecessary, struggle.

First, isn't that a limit she could have left to the school? Like homework, kids will take correction about a school policy better from a teacher than a parent. Why not say "Hmm....you sound pretty certain about the school policy. Let's do this. Let's bring the other color pants in the car with us, just in case they tell you that you need to change." Why not look for win/win solutions and let the teen keep his dignity? You don't have to attend every power struggle to which you're invited.

Second, Long's son has clearly decided that his mother isn't on his side. Unfortunately, that's what happens when we set limits without offering empathy. Now, maybe Long is simply worn out and just can't summon up any empathy at that moment. We've all been there. And we are only seeing one interaction. But it's the one she is choosing to share with us to show us how impossible and mentally ill her son is. So it seems critical to point out what this incident shows us if we see it through the boy's eyes. He feels pushed around, misunderstood, terribly alone. Even this difficult child might respond to empathy.

Again, we don't know if this child is mentally ill; Long has never mentioned that in her past blog posts about him and she says he is not receiving mental health services. But even if he is mentally ill, it's important to point out that most people who are mentally ill never act out violently. The big issue here is this teen's rage. And rage is exacerbated by feeling powerless and misunderstood. I'm not blaming Long; this is the way our society tells parents to raise their children. But that's the reason I'm writing this post. Let's not just assume such a kid is too difficult to reach. Let's give parents the tools to reach him. We could start by empathizing with his desire to wear a different pair of pants, and exploring that. Maybe he's worried about standing out, about being bullied? Wanting to assert some autonomy? We don't find out, because his mother apparently doesn't ask. You can see the disconnect between them, and that leads, predictably, to defiance from a child.

Third, you can see how Long's parenting style of trying to control her son's behavior with punishment is sabotaging her influence with him. She sets a limit. He curses at her. Now, most parents would respond as Long did, with punishment to "teach him a lesson." But this kid certainly knows that cursing at his mom is off limits. It's a red flag that something's very wrong between them. What if the mom could stay calm and say "Ouch! You know we don't speak to each other like that in this house!" but then add "You must be very upset to speak to me that way....Let's figure out a solution that works for both us of about the pants." Later, once the problem is solved and everyone is calm, she can bring up his cursing. She can connect with him, try to understand why he lashes out like this, help him with the emotions driving his outbursts. Once he feels understood and respected, he's more likely to offer her understanding and respect.

I know, this boy has some big issues, and that kind of approach is hard for parents, especially with such a difficult child. She'd almost certainly need the help of a good therapist, which is why we need to take seriously her plea for better mental health services for families. All parents, but especially parents of kids with challenges, need better support. But we need to support parents and kids not just with counseling services and, if appropriate, medications. We also need to teach parents basic parenting skills of setting limits with empathy, and connecting instead of punishing. The facile answer of "showing the kid who's boss" by slapping a punishment on him just doesn't give parents the help they need, because it's guaranteed to increase the kid's sense of powerlessness and rage. Don't take my word for it. Let's see how it played out.

Instead of calming the situation and listening to why her son is so upset, Long inflames it by threatening her son with a punishment. The resulting drama shows us a relationship based on threats. He ups the ante by threatening that he'll kill himself. She threatens him with institutionalization, and follows through. He spends three days in the hospital, which he describes as her sending him to hell. We're spared the details, but we can imagine the indignity, the medications, the increasing rage. Next time, unfortunately, we can expect him to lash out more violently.

Now, I'm not suggesting that Long's parenting style has created her son's issues. Clearly, her other kids don't have these issues, so he has some innate challenges that would be incredibly difficult for any parent. It's clear she loves him, and she's doing the best she can. Quite simply, we -- the rest of us -- have failed her and her son. She needs support she isn't getting. In addition to not being able to get the mental health services they need, she is lacking basic information on parenting that might turn things with her son around. Tragically, the conventional parenting approach she's using is backfiring, because kids with special challenges need a strong connection with their parents MORE than other kids. The kind of parenting Long is doing destroys the trust between them, which is the only lifeline he has to heal the chip on his shoulder. Kids who are hurting inside are the ones that lash out.

No baby is born a murderer. Yes, some young children are incredibly difficult. But any expert will tell you that psychopaths are exceedingly rare. So virtually very child responds to empathy, even if their brain doesn't work quite like yours or mine. Every child wants to connect with us, including kids on the autism spectrum and kids with oppositional defiant disorder. Kid whose brains aren't working right can tax even the most patient parent, but even those kids respond to feeling understood and cared about. When kids act out, it's a sign that they're hurting, a cry for help. Of course we need to set limits. But threats and punishment just drive them away. If, instead, we can help them them with their emotions, they can begin to learn to self-regulate. And if we can stay connected, they'll WANT to cooperate. This kind of parenting starts with compassion and connection, not controlling and punishing.

Unfortunately, it's a lot easier to heal those hurts when children are small then when they've reached the teen years. We're standing by, watching kids like this grow up, while their problems get so big we don't have many answers beyond medication or prison. We're throwing away children who could have been healed with early intervention. We've failed Long and her son.

And we as a society are failing parents in general by advising them to punish instead of connect. Sure, conventional parenting will work on most kids. In fact, my rough estimate is that probably 70% of kids can be raised virtually any way you want, short of outright abuse, and they'll come out okay. Maybe not thriving, but functioning. But where does that leave the other 30%? Kids with an innate challenge, like Adam Lanza and Liza Long's son? Those children need more help then we're giving them, more help than their parents know how to give them. As Liza Long says, if we as a society don't figure out a way to support parents and children better, we can expect more tragedies. Let's heed her warning.

For Parents Suffering from the Tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 19:43:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura... I'm finding myself unable to focus on being present with my children, suffering from horrible headaches, trouble falling asleep and just completely disturbed as a mother in this country. How can we as parents cope with our own emotions over this tragedy?" - Michelle

"Don't be discouraged by your incapacity to dispel darkness from the world. Light your candle and step forward." - Amma

How can any of us sleep, when those images haunt us? The shining face of a six year old who is no more. The anguished parent, who could be us. The terror that we can't keep our children safe. The sudden, devastating realization that we can't control when death will come, for ourselves or for our children.

Naturally, we're traumatized. How can we cope with our own overwhelming emotions? How can we heal?

1. Honor your grief. If you aren't feeling grief, it's almost certainly because you're trying to stuff it down. But that doesn't work -- those feelings we fend off get pushed out of consciousness, where they burst out, uncontrolled. Instead, find opportunities to cry. You're not being self indulgent, and you're not creating more bad feelings. Once you don't have more tears to cry, you'll stop crying. In the meantime, let the healing tears flow.

Is it okay for your child to see you cry? Yes. Even if your child doesn't know about the tragedy, you can explain, "Sometimes our hearts have tears that need to be cried...We don't even need to know why...Tears always clean out our sadnesses and heal us....they open our hearts....I'm okay, I just needed to cry."

2. Treasure your child. Of course your child is more important to you than life itself. But all of us forget that, in the crush of daily struggles. Every parent who can't put their child to bed tonight knows that any trouble their child gave them was nothing compared to the love between them. Honor those parents by renewing your commitment to cherish your child. Let this tragedy inspire you to see things from your child's perspective, to remember that she's just a child who is doing her best, to stay calm and kind while guiding and teaching her.

3. Advocate for compassionate parenting. Yes, someone who murders a roomful of children is by definition mentally ill. But most people with mental challenges never become violent. Much more important is the fact that the shooter was enraged. Where did that rage come from?

No baby is born a murderer. All humans are born with a hand of genetic cards that we can help them learn to manage. What makes the difference? Empathy. When kids feel understood, that we're on their side, they stay connected and they're open to our influence. That's true even for difficult kids; in fact, it's more true for those kids, because they're more at risk.

I'm not blaming the parents, who faced the heroic task of raising a child with special challenges in a culture that doesn't support parents. It's certainly conceivable, given his developmental challenges, that this young man had been bullied in school. We know he was socially isolated, which is in itself a risk factor. And his parents were probably given conventional parenting advice to punish their child to control his behavior. But research shows that punishment, particularly with strong-willed kids or children who have suffered emotional injury, doesn't encourage cooperation. It creates anger, and makes it more likely that the child will lash out. Adults who act out violently virtually always have a history of lashing out as children -- and of not getting the help they needed to heal those angry emotions.

We as a society are failing parents when we advocate punishment. Instead, we need to give the parents of challenging kids extra support so they can set limits with empathy. That's hard, because it requires parents to regulate their emotions, but it teaches kids self-discipline, helps them learn to manage their feelings and behavior, and keeps them connected. We know which teens are most likely to commit a violent act: the ones who aren't close to at least one adult.

4. Empower yourself against fear. You can't, in fact, keep your child from death. But you can take action to protect her as much as possible. Instead of letting anxiety gnaw away at you, use your worry as fuel for action. Be sure your child's school and after-school program have safety procedures in place, that your babysitter knows how to handle emergencies, that your child knows how to handle emergencies.

But don't stop there. Research shows that taking positive action to make the world a better place helps us cope. Honor the memory of the children we've lost by pledging Never Again. Join with other parents to demand better mental health funding and a ban on assault weapons. Be an advocate for gentle parenting rather than punishment-based parenting, since physical punishment teaches kids to solve problems with violence. Be sure your school has a proven, effective anti-bullying curriculum in place. Bullying is a risk factor for kids, both worsening their emotional health and creating the potential that they'll lash out at a later time. We may never know why a shooter would target a classroom of young children, but given the statistics, it's entirely possible that he was bullied in kindergarten himself.

5. Nurture Yourself. We've all had a devastating shock. It's natural to feel anxious. Turn off your TV, nurture yourself with tenderness, and let yourself grieve. If your anxiety is still getting in your way, make a plan to manage it. Move your body. Do some EFT (tapping your acupressure points to process emotion.) Vent to a friend, just breathing through your tears and fears and letting them go. Manage the upsetting thoughts in your mind with mindfulness practices: Listen to a meditation tape, focus on your heart, do some deep breathing.

There's a reason we're still upset. This is a dark night in which we find ourselves. Our deeper wisdom is asking us to take action, to bring some light. We can't undo this tragedy, but it can inspire us to make the world safer for all our children. Will you light your candle and step forward with me?

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Violent Rage Doesn't Just Begin at Age 20

How To Talk with Kids about the School Shooting

Violent Rage Doesn't Just Begin at Age 20

Tue, 18 Dec 2012 05:00:00 GMT

Kids don’t suddenly become mass murderers at age 20 without any prior warning. When a teen or young adult acts out violently, the people who knew him well invariably say there was something “off” about the person for some time. And while someone who shoots strangers is by definition mentally ill, that alone isn’t the reason for their violent act, given that mentally ill people are actually more likely to become victims of violence than to commit it. So why do some kids become violent, and how can we help them, to prevent more senseless tragedies?

First, any teen or young adult who turns a gun on other people is enraged, regardless of whether he also suffers from some other challenge. And violent rage doesn’t just begin at age twenty; there are always plenty of warning signs. The young person has invariably been struggling with rage since he was very young. He loses his temper on a regular basis in a way that scares those around him. Virtually always, he has made threats toward other people, usually family members.

This raises a whole set of questions:

What can the parents or other adults who see the child or teen’s anger do to get help for him?
How can ordinary parents help their children learn constructive ways to handle anger?
When parents have a child who tends to be explosive, how should they handle it?
What are the warning signs of a child who might act out violently?
When does a child need professional help?

1. Don’t ignore a child’s aggression or make excuses for it once your child is past the toddler years. Aggression is a red flag that a child is hurting, scared, or has problems he doesn’t know how to handle. If you aren’t seeing a definite improvement from your interventions, get professional help.

2. Remember that parents always have the ability to calm their child’s upset or to inflame it. Always calm yourself before responding to your child’s anger. Don't insist on being right; try to see things from your child's perspective. Regardless of how unreasonable you feel your child is being, parental rigidity will just make things worse. That doesn't mean you don't set limits. It means you never need to be less than kind while you set those limits.

3. Set limits on behavior; allow and acknowledge feelings: “I won’t let you hit me… I see you’re very angry…Tell me in words…(or Show me by stomping your foot)…I’m listening.” If your child feels safe to express his upset emotions to you verbally, he doesn’t need to act them out physically. So as long as your child is using a normal tone of voice, expressing disagreement or anger is a healthy way of solving problems; don’t push your child into an explosion by reprimanding him for expressing his views. Instead, reflect: “I see...You’re angry because you wish…..” Children who feel understood don’t need to escalate into violence.

4. Children learn what they live. Our job as parents is to teach our children that all humans get angry, but that differences can always be resolved peacefully. Model respectful communication. If you yell at your kids or spouse, or stomp around when you’re angry, you can expect your child to follow your example. If, instead, you model self-regulation, your child will learn from watching you. Punishment that involves humiliation triggers rage. Punishment that involves hurting a child’s body teaches violence; children who are physically disciplined are more likely to use physical force to solve problems as they get older.

5. Avoid power struggles. Research shows that kids respond to punishment by feeling unfairly treated, so they harden their hearts, which leads to more aggression. Instead, look for win/win solutions so your child can keep his dignity. Help him learn to “repair” his mistakes, whether that’s replacing what he broke or mending his relationship with his sister, so he can see himself as a good person. If your child feels you’re on his side, he’ll stay connected and be more likely to follow your guidance. Kids who have developmental challenges like Aspergers may be harder to connect with, but they always respond to parental warmth and respect; in fact, they tend to have a very well-developed sense of fairness and justice.

6. Help your child with the tears and fears that are driving his anger. Anger is your child’s defense against internal fears and tears that he can’t bear. If you can stay calm and compassionate in the face of your child’s anger, you increase his sense of safety, so he can stop shouting and share his upset with you. For instance, if your child is yelling at you about what he’s wearing to school, consider what could be going on. Is he afraid of being humiliated, of standing out, of being bullied? Does he feel powerless, pushed around, disrespected? When we stay compassionate, even as we set limits, our children are more willing to share those vulnerable feelings with us, so they don’t fester inside and drive explosive outbursts.

7. Step in to teach conflict resolution. If your child is having a hard time resolving conflicts with siblings or peers, teach conflict resolution skills. Some kids need more hands-on help to learn to negotiate and problem solve with each other. Don’t ignore physical fighting or a child who can’t make friends. Don't insist that your child swallow his feelings to "get along" which will just force him to "stuff" his feelings so they burst out later. Instead, work with him to help him learn to navigate human relationships.

8. Be sure you have seven positive interactions for every negative interaction with your child. Otherwise, your child feels so criticized that he gives up trying to please you and withdraws into resentment.

9. Protect your child from bullying. Kid with Aspergers are much more likely than other children to be bullied. While most Aspies are NOT violent, bullying is a risk factor for later violence. Every child deserves to be protected from bullying, both for himself and to prevent his lashing out in rage at a later time. We may never know why a school shooter targets a kindergarten classroom, but given the statistics it is entirely possible that he experienced bullying during his own time in kindergarten.

10. If your child has an explosive temper so you always feel like you’re one disappointment away from another explosion, get help. Some ways of dealing with an explosive child will result in the development of more anger, while others will help kids learn to self-regulate. Don’t wait; your child’s brain is being shaped every day. This is not something any family should have to deal with alone. Find a professional who has a proven track record of helping families with explosive children.

11. What are the warning signs that someone may act out violently? If a child loses his temper on a daily basis, is involved in frequent fights, makes regular threats of violence, shares plans for violent acts, hurts animals, seems unduly fascinated by weapons, has been a victim of bullying, or lashes out physically on a regular basis, he needs professional help.

Teens and young adults don’t randomly pick up a gun and begin shooting. Those aggressive impulses and thoughts have been building for a long time. It’s our job as parents to listen to our instincts and reach out for help. And it’s our job as a society to be sure that help is available to every parent who needs it. Parents are doing the hardest job there is—raising the next generation. They need our support, in the form of mental health services available to every family. Let's give parents that support before there’s a crisis, not after.

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How To Talk with Kids about the School Shooting

For Parents Suffering from the Tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary

How To Talk with Kids about the School Shooting

Fri, 14 Dec 2012 05:00:00 GMT

"We chat, talk, tweet, stream, and absorb violence with a hunger. It’s just so horrifying that sometimes it’s hard not to watch. We follow along in bed, on the bus, in our cars (!), and during our face to face time with loved ones and family. This news is upsetting and torrential. Many of us are left feeling a bit helpless or vulnerable. So are our children." - Wendy Sue Swanson

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.” - Mr Rogers

When a tragedy happens that shakes our faith in human nature and our own sense of safety in the world, it's tough to talk with our kids about it. How can we reassure them that we'll keep them safe, when we suddenly aren't sure that we can?

The situation is so disturbing to us as adults that our children are likely to pick up on our upset. It's important to think about the effect on our children before just flooding kids with our own raw emotions. So before you talk with your child about a tragedy like a school shooting, reassure yourself. Your child is no less safe than he or she was last week. The chances of your family being touched directly by such a tragedy are much, much, much less than the chances of a car accident, and you get in a car every day.

If you have a hard time believing this, it's a red flag that you've exposed yourself too intimately to the news. It's our job as parents to manage our own emotions so they don't adversely affect our children. Every time you see more news about this tragedy, you're sending yourself back into fight or flight mode. It's hard not to watch, I know. In the face of the unbelievable, we find ourselves obsessed. But if you turn off the news, you'll be better able to stay centered, and better able to help your child.

And use common sense in discussing such an issue in front of children. Remember, your child is taking his cues from you. If you're anxious or hysterical when you're on the phone with a friend talking about this, you're giving your child the message that he's in danger--no matter what you say to him directly.

Start from the premise that your goal is to help your child integrate the news and feel safe. Use this as an opportunity to reassure and give age-appropriate information so he has a context for whatever he hears from his friends.

1. Don't leave your TV on. If there are kids under the age of thirteen at your house, your TV should stay off whenever there's a public tragedy, or you're repeatedly traumatizing your kids. Knowing there's been a shooting is one thing. Hearing over and over about the blood and bodies and screams is quite another. Your children don't need those horrific images replaying in their minds. Even babies and toddlers who don't understand the news coverage show elevated stress hormones when exposed to upset voices.

2. Remember that your child will pick up on your emotions. If you're upset by what you've just read or heard, calm yourself before interacting with your child, and don't try to talk with your children about the events at that moment. Find a way to process your emotions first. How?

Talk (privately) to another adult.
Breathe deeply.
Shake tension out of your hands.
Tap your acupuncture points to relieve emotional pressure and calm yourself (this is called EFT, there are instructions available here)

It's fine to tear up when you're talking with your child. But getting hysterical communicates to your child that you can't handle the situation, which decreases her sense of safety.

3. Be age-appropriate. Babies and Toddlers will not need to know about a disaster at all. And there is no need to raise the issue with your preschooler unless they have been exposed to it. However, many preschool and school-age children will hear about the shooting from someone else and will need your help to process it.

4. Ask your child what she knows. Even preschoolers may well hear about a school shooting from other children, and they may well ask you questions. If they bring it up, start by finding out what they have heard. "What did you hear about that?" Listen to their answers before jumping in to explain. Repeat to be sure you've understood: "So Jimmy said that this bad guy had a gun and killed children at a school?"

Ask your child what she thinks about the information. Most likely she will parrot what she's heard, but she may well give you some insight into what she needs to hear from you.

5. Explain simply, in terms your child can understand. Keep your explanation very simple: "This man was very sick in his head...His mind wasn't working right...He should never have had a gun.... He is dead now...He can't hurt anyone else now."

6. Answer questions. Your child may have questions about whether it will be safe for him to go to his own school. The answer, of course, is yes: "Luckily, most people's brains work just fine and most people are not violent......And the grown-ups in charge at your school are making sure that your school is completely safe. They do not let anyone into the school without checking that the person is safe and has a good reason to be there."

Your child may have heard that the gunman in the Connecticut shooting killed his mother. Explain that he was angry at his mom, but that we all get angry and we don't kill people. The reason this young man killed his mother and other people is that he had an unusual mental illness, which meant his brain was not working right and he was violent. Stress that most people who are mentally ill would not do something like this; it is very rare.

Your child may also ask why this young man went into a school to kill kids. It is fine to answer that we don't know. But reassure your child that her school will keep her safe and something like this will not happen at her school.

7. Listen and allow feelings. Talking to your child about a tragedy like this does not cause her to get upset; any child who hears about a school shooting will have some upset feelings. If your child senses that she isn't allowed to get upset, cry or show you that she's frightened or upset, then she'll push those feelings down inside, where they'll cause nightmares or anxiety. If, instead, you accept and reflect your child's feelings, those feelings will tumble out for a few days but then will dissipate. Remember that your child will almost certainly need to experience some terror she's holding in her body, which she will probably show you with aggression. If you can stay compassionate when she gets aggressive ("Sweetie, no hitting...You must be very upset to hit like that"), she'll show you the tears and fears behind her anger. The most helpful thing you can do is listen to your child's fears, hug her, and reassure her that you will always keep her safe.

Finally, offer some hope: "There were lots of wonderful people helping each other....the good thing about people is that whenever there's a tragedy, you will always find people helping each other."

Be prepared for the issue to come up again with questions out of the blue, or for your child to need repeated reassurance. If your child seems very interested, help him process his emotions. For instance:

Encourage him to draw pictures of what happened
Ask him to write a story about what happened
Suggest he do some research on mental illness or gun control.

Some children will want to tell you about the upsetting event over and over, which helps them work out their emotions. Plan to spend extra time at bedtime helping your child fall asleep feeling safe and secure.

11. Be aware that children's anxieties often surface in other ways. Children may develop sudden fears -- of being alone in a room, or left with a babysitter. They may complain of stomach aches, might have nightmares or wet the bed. They may "over-react" and have a meltdown about something that seems trivial to you, which allows them to let off stress by crying or raging. Children who are afraid of losing you to death might "test" you by misbehaving to see if you love them enough not to abandon them. In all discussions about scary news, reassure your child that you will always do everything you can to keep her safe. You can't do this too many times.

12. Empower your child. Research shows that feeling unable to do something to help make things better makes people of all ages feel hopeless, cynical, and less compassionate. Discuss with your child what your family can do to help, such as:

Send homemade condolence cards or other messages of love and support to the families.
Give blood.
Attend a candelight vigil.
Remember the families in your family grace and prayers.

How to Help Children of Different Ages

Preschoolers (ages three, four and five) can't always tell the difference between a newscast and a tragedy unfolding in front of their eyes. It is critical to shield them from TV news.

If your child doesn't bring it up and you are sure she hasn't heard, then you don't need to raise the issue. However, sometimes kids hear things and don't raise them with you. If there is any chance your child could have heard about the school shooting, start a conversation by asking your child "Do you feel safe at school?" If your child has heard about the shooting, it will certainly come up. If he hasn't heard, he may answer, "Yes, what do you mean?" and you can reassure without having to lie by simply saying "Your school works hard to keep everybody safe. I'm glad you feel safe there."

Preschoolers are concrete, egocentric thinkers and often think that if something bad happens, they must have caused it, so they may think that somehow the children who were shot caused the incident by being "bad." Make it clear that the victims at the school did not know the gunman and did not do anything to cause the shooting. All children "misbehave" at times and it does not cause bad things to happen to them.

If your child seems to have a lot of questions about this or any other scary news issue, encourage him to express his feelings through art or play. For instance, maybe he wants to draw a picture, or act out a scene of the medics helping people.

If he's exploring issues of good and evil, he might develop a sudden fascination with guns or want to pretend shoot. Don't be horrified -- he's processing. Just be sure to say "It's ok to play pretend guns because they can't hurt anyone, but real guns are VERY dangerous....If you ever see a real gun, any time, any place, you must leave the room immediately and call me, and I will come get you."

6-9 year olds - As with younger kids, if your child brings up the shooting, ask what they've heard and repeat it. Ask what they think and answer their questions.

Be age-appropriate, which means not over-sharing. Kids don't need ANY gory details. Research shows that kids this age do have nightmares in response to TV news images, so they should still be protected from electronic news coverage. Recognize that kids' primary need is to be reassured of their safety. Feeling they live in a lawless world where evil runs rampant and they could get shot at school is not helpful to them. Instead, emphasize that the teachers in the school reacted promptly by taking all the kids into bathrooms and locking the doors to keep the kids safe.

9-12 year olds - Don't be fooled by your preteen's sophistication. Older kids still need your reassurance that they're safe. Begin by asking them what they have heard. Give them an explanation like the one above. Then ask them what they think, to have a real discussion. When things like this happen, we feel powerless and afraid. Having a problem-solving discussion is empowering. You might ask questions like:

This man was angry, but he was also mentally ill to have done such a thing. Anger by itself would not cause this. Have you ever seen anyone so angry they hurt someone else? What do you think is the best way to manage anger?
I wonder what kinds of clues were missed that would have showed how unhinged this man was?
What do you think we can do to help people who have a mental problem like this?
Do you think there should be more control over who can buy a gun? Any gun, or particular kinds of guns?
What do you think should happen to someone who commits a crime like this?
Do you think that it's a good thing to watch the news about an incident like this?
There have been suggestions that this young man may have been bullied in school when he was young, and that's why he went into a school. What do you think schools can do to address bullying?
What can your child do to reach out to kids who don't have social skills, so they don't feel isolated?

When you have a chance, guide the discussion to heroism. There's no way to make sense of a tragedy like this, but we can take some solace in the fact that dire circumstances can call forth the best in human beings. There are always ordinary people who act with great courage to shield others, or to help others. So help your child focus on that heroism.

What do you think you would do in a situation like that?
The teachers were heroes and protected the kids. USA Today reported that when one teacher was shot, a six year old boy in the class grabbed some other kids and pulled them out the door to safety. What do you think it would take to do that?

Obviously, you'll ask questions that are appropriate to the age of your child. You don't have to have answers to these questions to raise them, and there are no "right" answers. Thinking and talking about the questions that arise as we experience "big things" in life is an important part of children's moral development.

Teens - Tragedies like this can shake a teen's sense of living in a safe world, just as he or she is experimenting with more independence. Ask questions and listen for anxiety in the answers. Reassure your teen about how rare such an event is. Be sure to use the opportunity to explore the idea of heroism. Teens are exploring their identities, working out how they fit into the world, and how they can make a contribution. Discussions in which they envision themselves as courageous and heroic are always empowering.

Teens are also sorting out just what their connection is to all of humanity. Our hearts tell us we have some responsibility to all humans, even those far across the country. They'll be empowered by a discussion about ways they can help.

Sometimes teens defend against disturbing news with cynicism about news coverage. If your child raises this issue, you can use the opportunity for a "media literacy" discussion, but remind your child that the fact that the news media hypes stories to attract viewers doesn't diminish the pain of the events.

****

Violent Rage Doesn't Just Begin at Age 20

For Parents Suffering from the Tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary

The Season of Miracles: What Does Faith Have To Do With It?

Thu, 13 Dec 2012 23:07:00 GMT

"At this time of year, when the sun is most hidden, the holiday of Hanukkah celebrates the rays of hope and light. Indeed, the physical darkness of this time of year can be a metaphor for the darkness that often envelopes us ... when the world sometimes feels dark and cold. At such times, we yearn for the sun, and the light and warmth that it provides. Often, it is through simple and unrecognized miracles that we are able to feel the warmth of hope and light." -- Rabbi Rafael Goldstein

It’s the season of miracles. Next week I'll celebrate the miracle of light even in the darkest times with a roaring Solstice fire and a family trip outside to thank the stars and bless the night. Tonight I’ll light candles for the sixth night of Hanukkah, watching the kids’ faces in the flickering candlelight as they sing. And I’ll call my elderly father to thank him for all those evenings when he turned off our house lights and took all six children outside to gaze in awe at the Christmas tree lights twinkling in our front window.

Christmas, Solstice, Hanukkah and Kwanza share a spiritual message of faith: that it is possible to create miracles, even in a time of darkness when we've run into a wall.

In fact, parents create those miracles every day.
Every time you love your child through his upset,
Every time you find a way to refill your own empty cup.
Every time you choose love instead of fear,
Every time you create love where there wasn't any there before
You’re creating a miracle.

Today, let's celebrate the miracle of faith.
Faith that the sun will soon gift us with its presence for a little longer each day.
Faith that the oil will keep burning.
Faith that your children will grow and thrive.
Faith that this child was sent to your arms for a reason.
Faith that you have it in you to be the best parent possible to your child.
Faith that you are more than enough.
Faith that love never fails.

Today, revel in the miracle of faith
and fill your cup all day long
with gratitude
for all the miracles in your life
large and small.

It’s a good thing you’re not perfect!

Wed, 12 Dec 2012 18:55:00 GMT

I'm honored to be guest blogging today at Dr. Melissa Arca's Confessions of a Dr Mom.com as part of my Blog Tour for Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. Here's the beginning of my guest post, which is continued at Confessions of a Dr Mom -- and where you can also register for a drawing to win a free copy of my book! Check at the bottom of this post for a round-up of my other blog tour stops.

Have you ever:

Been flooded by remorse because you lost your temper?

Wished you could hit the erase button to wipe out something you said to your child?

Worried that you’ve damaged your child’s psyche?

If you didn’t answer Yes to at least one of these questions, you’re probably not a parent.

We all have hard times when we know we’re messing up but just can’t seem to stop ourselves before we open our mouths. The bad news is, parenting is the toughest thing we do, and the hardest part of all is regulating ourselves. We’re only human, and that means there’s no way for us to be perfect.

But there’s good news, too. Our kids don’t need us to be perfect. In fact, it’s a good thing you’re not perfect! If you were, imagine what you’d be modeling for your child – an unattainable standard. Your poor child would feel like he could never measure up. What kids need from us is the space to be imperfect, to be loved and accepted exactly as they are. That’s the only place any of us can start from to grow.

Maybe worse, if you were a perfect parent, your child wouldn’t learn that all human relationships experience strains and small tears, but we can repair them and make them stronger. Our children learn this beginning in infancy, when we inevitably fail, at times, to attune to them. Let’s say...........(please continue to Confessions of a Dr Mom.com to keep reading.)

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BLOG TOUR UPDATE

My upcoming Blog Tour Hosts are listed below. Please check them out -- and don't miss registering with most of them to win a free copy of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting!

Thursday December 13
Teacher Tom
Teacher and prizewinning blogger Teacher Tom is my host.

Friday December 14
Our Muddy Boots
Read a book review by Jennifer at Our Muddy Boots, a guest post by Dr. Laura, and enter the final drawing to win a free copy of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids!

DID YOU MISS THESE BLOG TOUR STOPS?

CHECK THEM OUT!

Wednesday November 28
Natural Parent Network
Live Call: Beyond Discipline
Want to move beyond punishment and discipline into more peaceful parenting? You can still listen to the replay of this call:
Last week's live call with Natural Parents Network is available here: http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/beyond-discipline-chat-with-dr-laura/
Don't forget to enter the Book GiveAway on the NPN website.

Thursday November 29
Presence Parenting
Download and save a pre-recorded conversation complete with a transcript, in which Amy Phoenix interviews Dr. Laura about parenting with presence and handling your own anger, when your kids are acting out and you're just trying to make it through the day.

Friday November 30
Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Dr. Laura talks about her own lonely childhood and what has shaped her parenting philosophy in this candid, insightful interview with L.R. Knost of Little Hearts.

Monday December 3
Natural Parent Magazine
New Zealand's Attachment Parenting Magazine
Book Review by contributor LR Knost.

Tuesday December 4
Code Name Mama
Live Call: Regulating Your Own Emotions
If you missed the live call with Code Name Mama, no worries -- Here's the replay!
http://codenamemama.com/2012/12/05/regulating-your-emotions/

Wednesday December 5
PositiveParentingConnection.net
Dr. Laura answers parenting questions from Ariadne Brill's PositiveParentingConnection.com community on Dealing with Defiance, Moving Beyond Power Struggles & More. Don't miss these great questions, including how to talk to kids about Santa.

Thursday December 6
PositiveParentingSolutions.com
Amy McCready, author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time hosts a guest post by Dr. Laura: "Want to help your child learn to manage her emotions? Convert your time-outs to time-ins!" Make sure you enter the drawing for the book giveaway!

Friday December 7
Good Job and Other Things You Shouldn't Say or Do (Unless you want to ruin your kid's life)
Why it's time to drop the word Discipline -- even "Positive Discipline." Listen in on a conversation between Jennifer Lehr and Dr. Laura as they consider what your child wishes you knew about how to help her "behave", including why timeouts and forced apologies backfire, why discipline doesn't work, and what does. You can download the audio by right-clicking (or control-clicking) the link below and saving the audio file to your computer:

Beyond Discipline - Jennifer Lehr interviews Dr Laura (74025 KB)

Download the transcript here:

Transcript of Jennifer Lehr interviews Dr Laura (1771 KB)

And read Jennifer's blog post about the book, as well as enter to win a free copy of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, at the Good Job website.

Monday December 10
Positive Parenting Toddlers and Beyond
Dr. Laura and the administrators of the popular Positive Parenting Toddlers and Beyond Facebook page had a fabulous live chat and answered a ton of great questions from parents, which you can still read if you scroll down the page!

Tuesday December 11
TheSingleCrunch.com
Kimberley at the SingleCrunch asks Dr. Laura questions from parents about single parenting. Hint: Single Parents are saints, and there's no way to do it perfectly! Free Giveaway Book!

5 Easy Ways to Find the Spirit of the Season with Children

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 20:57:00 GMT

"Believing in the true spirit of my December holiday, I commit myself to:
Remember those people who truly need my gifts
Express my love in more direct ways than gifts
Examine my holiday activities in the light of my deepest values
Be a peacemaker within my circle of family and friends
Rededicate myself to my spiritual growth."
- Jo Robinson & Jean Coppock Staeheli

"Love is what's in the room with you if you stop opening presents and listen." -- Bobby, age 7

If you have a deep faith and keep the rituals of your religious tradition, then you’ve probably given a lot of thought to your child’s spiritual development and have your holiday religious plans all mapped out.

If, on the other hand, you wonder how to put what you believe into words and aren’t sure what spiritual beliefs you want to pass on to your kids, this post is for you.

All humans have a spiritual dimension. You don’t have to believe in a supreme being to teach your child the great universal spiritual lessons. Whatever your beliefs, you probably want your children to know that life is sacred, that nature deserves a certain reverence, that your child's presence in the world can contribute to joy and goodness, that things have a way of working out (not always as we expect), that the greatest joy usually comes from connecting and sharing with others, and that while we don't always get what we want, we can always choose to make the most of what we get.

Some ideas for spiritual discovery, at the holidays and any time -- nondenominational, and even God-optional:

1. Nurture your child’s natural sense of wonder. People who feel connected to nature are healthier physically and emotionally. Don’t feel you have to turn it into a science lesson, reducing the sacred whole to mechanistic parts. Just try to build in enough time so you can stop rushing your child past the wondrous moments of everyday life: sun glittering on the snow, the rising moon, candles in the dark, the fragrance of green things... all remind us that we're surrounded by miracles.

2. Let children hear the sounds of silence. Many of us use background TV and radio as a way to avoid being alone with ourselves. Children, even more than the rest of us, need quiet time to simply be present with themselves. Music is a wonderful part of setting the mood in your house, and singing is essential to celebration. But if radio or TV voices are intruding on the peacefulness of your home, it increases everyone's tension level. Why not take the opportunity over the holidays to turn off the TV and radio, and lift the mood with inspiring music--or simply hear the power in silence?

3. Take time as a family for reflection. If your tradition includes prayer, what better time than these special days in December, when so many religions celebrate the miracle of faith? But whether you pray or not, how about a family conversation about the deeper meaning of the holiday you celebrate? Maybe you'll decide to open your holiday dinner with a special candle lighting ritual or gratitude ceremony to remind you why you're all together.

4. Model gratitude. Gratitude is a time-honored spiritual path that makes us happier and more generous regardless of our beliefs about the nature of the divine. The deeper our gratitude, the greater our ability to receive, and the more we get out of life. Of course, children don't have the context to understand their many blessings, and guilt isn't an effective teacher. Modeling is the best strategy; simply noting aloud, frequently, how lucky we are to have this sunny day, this bountiful meal, this reliable car, such a terrific teacher or neighbor, and, of course, each other. Family habits like grace before meals, counting our blessings, or a thank you at bedtime for the delights of the day plant seeds for your child to develop a deeper gratitude as she matures.

5. Help your child find his inner angel. Children (like the rest of us) find it puzzling that the world is so often unjust. It's empowering for them to know that there are always helpers in the world, and that they can choose to be one. Whatever your religious beliefs, you probably want your kids to know that the angels -- literally or figuratively -- depend on our help. Research shows that the experience of giving actually activates an area of the brain that gives us physical pleasure. Generosity starts with a feeling of having plenty -- emotionally, more than materially -- and develops as we have experiences of making others happy by giving to them. If we want to teach our kids the true meaning of the holidays, we need to help them have the experience of giving to others, so they can discover their own joy in it. If you don't already have a holiday tradition of giving as a family, why not make ornaments or cookies as a family, and let your child enjoy giving them away throughout the month without regard to whether you're receiving in return?

Love is always in the room with you, no matter what day it is, or what your faith may be. What better time to help your child listen?

How To Transform Your Time-Outs To Time-Ins

Thu, 06 Dec 2012 05:00:00 GMT

I'm honored to be guest blogging today at Amy McCready's Positive Parenting Solutions.com as part of my Blog Tour for Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. Here's the beginning of the guest post, which is continued at PositiveParentingSolutions.com -- and where you can also register for a contest to win a free copy of my book! Check at the bottom of this post for a round-up of my other blog tour stops.

Do you use Time-Outs? They’re certainly better than spanking to show your child you’re serious about whatever limit you’re setting. But time-outs aren’t the best way to help kids want to behave and cooperate. Why?

......(please continue to PositiveParentingSolutions.com to keep reading.)

****

BLOG TOUR UPDATE

Today's Blog Tour stop is Amy McCready's PositiveParentingSolutions.com, where you can finish reading this guest post and enter to win a free copy of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. Amy McCready is the author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time.

The rest of my Blog Tour Hosts are listed below. Please check them out! And most of them are hosting a giveaway contest where you have the chance to win a free copy of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting - be sure to register with them.

Friday December 7
Good Job and Other Things You Shouldn't Say or Do (Unless you want to ruin your kid's life)
Why it's time to drop the word Discipline -- even "Positive Discipline." Listen in on a conversation between Jennifer Lehr and Dr. Laura as they consider what your child wishes you knew about how to help her "behave", including why timeouts and forced apologies backfire, why discipline doesn't work, and what does.

Monday December 10
Positive Parenting Toddlers and Beyond
1pm ET/noon CT/11am MT/10am PT
Join Dr. Laura and the administrators of the popular Positive Parenting Toddlers and Beyond Facebook page for a live chat. Come ask your parenting questions and get an immediate answer! Free Giveaway Book!

Tuesday December 11
TheSingleCrunch.com
Kimberley at the SingleCrunch asks Dr. Laura questions from parents about single parenting. Hint: Single Parents are saints, and there's no way to do it perfectly!

Wednesday December 12
Confessions of a Dr. Mom
Dr. Melissa Arca of Confessions of A Dr Mom.com hosts a guest post by Dr. Laura on parental guilt: "It's a good thing you aren't perfect!"

Thursday December 13
Teacher Tom
A review of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by teacher and prizewinning blogger Teacher Tom.

Friday December 14
Our Muddy Boots
Read a book review by Jennifer at Our Muddy Boots, a guest post by Dr. Laura, and enter the final drawing to win a free copy of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids!

DID YOU MISS THESE BLOG TOUR STOPS?

CHECK THEM OUT!

Wednesday November 28
Natural Parent Network
Live Call: Beyond Discipline
Want to move beyond punishment and discipline into more peaceful parenting? You can still listen to the replay of this call, as well as read a review of the book by Jennifer at HybridRastaMama.com.
Last week's live call with Natural Parents Network is available here: http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/beyond-discipline-chat-with-dr-laura/
Don't forget to enter the Book GiveAway on the NPN website.

Thursday November 29
Presence Parenting
Download and save a pre-recorded conversation complete with a transcript, in which Amy Phoenix interviews Dr. Laura about parenting with presence and handling your own anger, when your kids are acting out and you're just trying to make it through the day.

Friday November 30
Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Dr. Laura talks about her own lonely childhood and what has shaped her parenting philosophy in this candid, insightful interview with L.R. Knost of Little Hearts.

Monday December 3
Natural Parent Magazine
New Zealand's Attachment Parenting Magazine
Book Review by contributor LR Knost.
Don't forget to leave a comment to enter the Book Give-Away!

Natural Parent Magazine Facebook page

Tuesday December 4
Code Name Mama
Live Call: Regulating Your Own Emotions
If you missed the live call with Code Name Mama, no worries -- Here it is! http://codenamemama.com/2012/12/05/regulating-your-emotions/

Wednesday December 5
PositiveParentingConnection.net
Dr. Laura answers parenting questions from Ariadne Brill's PositiveParentingConnection.com community on Dealing with Defiance, Moving Beyond Power Struggles & More. Don't forget to register for the Book Give-Away!

Looking for Love at Toys r Us

Wed, 05 Dec 2012 19:43:00 GMT

"Television advertisements for toys and games often exploit children's underlying needs and desires. Many commercials show a child playing with a game or toy with her parents. The message is clear to young children: Ask for this product and your mother and father will pay attention to you. It is an offer they cannot resist." -- Lawrence Kutner

Worried that your child seems to get a bit greedy at the holidays? Consider that maybe something deeper is being triggered -- a longing for that happy, perfect, life when he'll feel completely enveloped by your love. We adults have the same fantasy, of course. It's part of the wonder of the holidays -- that promise of transformative love.

The human mind has a tendency to crave more, more, more. Kids (like many adults) haven't yet learned how to manage those yearnings and direct them toward what will really fulfill them, which is connection, creativity, and spirituality (whether your definition of that is God, Nature, or Love).

And it is possible to fill our children’s deep longings. Not with excessive presents – which always leave kids feeling unfulfilled -- but with deep meaning and the magic of love. How?

1. Explain to your child that your December holiday is about “presence” or time together, not about “presents” -- and then keep your promise! When he asks you to do something with him, why not leave the dishes in the sink or your email unanswered for now? Sure you were going to make that homemade wreath or menorah, but if you can't do it with your child, who cares? (If you do it with your child, it won't look perfect, but you'll treasure it forever. As will she.)

2.Manage Expectations. Ask your child to carefully consider his desires and tell you four gift ideas:

A store-bought gift that is within your means (this may take some back and forth discussion)
A book he wants to read.
A "together" present that you will do with him, like going to the zoo.
A "giving" present that he can gift to someone else, like making cookies for the senior citizen home or stuffing stockings for kids in a shelter.

3. Model your values by prioritizing family activities that savor the deliciousness of your holiday. Every day, do one thing to bring your family together, whether baking, gift wrapping, or simply enjoying the twinkling holiday lights together in the dark. Read and discuss books on holiday themes. Minimize the focus on shopping and store-bought presents.

4. Give your child the experience of abundance in simple ways. You can let your kids revel in that feeling of abundance while still sticking with your values and your budget. If you’re gifting him with a trip to the zoo, print out a photo of his favorite zoo animal and a simple certificate, and wrap it, complete with ribbon. If she loves chap stick, buy four flavors and wrap each one separately. If you baked and decorated cookies together to take to all the older folks when you visited Aunt Sue, be sure to take photos. Then print out a certificate of Commendation for Generosity with his name on it, along with a photo of a happy cookie-eater and your child, and wrap it with a ribbon and a cookie in a baggie. That will probably bring as big a smile to his face as a toy, especially when you regale everyone present with a story about how happy he made the senior citizens.  

5. Give your child the gift of playful responses to things that you’d normally get irritated about. When she resists your instructions, be mock horrified. Scoop her up and throw her around, making a rambunctious game of it. Interpret every "misbehavior" as a request for fun, loving connection. (If you need to "teach" appropriate behavior, do it later.) This is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child. You’ll be so pleased by how much more cooperative she is that you might adopt this approach permanently.

6. Minimize stress and fill your own cup so you're in a good mood, living the spirit of the season and spreading love and good cheer. Your kids don't want a magazine-spread holiday. They want your love and appreciation and joy. Prioritize getting sleep and taking care of yourself so you can give your child your best--not just what's left.

No matter what they think, kids don't need the latest toy from Toys R Us or the latest electronic gadget. Those are just strategies to feel good inside themselves. And the only way that feeling lasts is when it comes from love.

Consider the memories your kids are shaping this December. When they look back, will they describe a parent who communicated the spirit of the season with laughter, warm embraces, gracious patience?

You ARE that parent, inside. Do you need to let go of anything so you can express all that love and joy?

What could you do to make it easier for you to be that parent?

****

P.S. Today's Blog Tour stop is PositiveParentingConnection.com, where I'm answering questions from parents, and you can enter to win a free copy of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. Don't miss it!

If you missed yesterday's live call with Code Name Mama, no worries -- It will be available as a replay. (I know -- it was the middle of the night in Europe!)
Last week's live call with Natural Parents Network is available here: http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/beyond-discipline-chat-with-dr-laura/
You can still enter to win a free copy of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting from the Natural Parent Magazine!
And you can still enter to win a free copy of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting from the Natural Parents Network!

Buy Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids from Amazon (including for Kindle).
Buy Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids from Barnes and Noble (Including for Nook.
Buy Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids from an Independent Bookseller near you

Parents' Holiday Survival Skill #1: Manage Yourself

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 18:21:00 GMT

"My memories of Christmas as a child are of stress. My mother wanted everything to be perfect and got so worked up trying to do it all that it made the rest of the family crazy. I remember my dad comforting me when I was about 8 years old, I was crying and said “I hate Christmas” and he said “I do, too, honey. We just have to get through it.”

So for my kids I try to be relaxed and fun. We make ornaments for friends and family in December and give them out as we see people — gets us into the giving without thought of receiving. We take time to see the lights around town, to decorate and appreciate our tree. We talk about the other festivals of lights and remember that feasting and gifts are to make the darkest, coldest time of year merry. We celebrate the return of the sun. We relax and play and laugh and appreciate each other.” -- Amy

The most essential skill for parents, at the holidays and every day? Manage yourself so you can stay calm and loving with your child.

Remember that the holidays aren't just stressful for you, they're actually stressful for children. So much desperate longing gets stimulated (just like for us.) So much excitement gets triggered, which needs an outlet somewhere. Families are busier. Schedules are disrupted. Parents are more stressed, more snappish.

Children depend on us, both to regulate their environment, and to help them regulate their moods. If you’re out of balance, you won’t be able to help your kids stay on an even keel. In fact, if you’re anxious about everything you have to get done, I promise you that your child will begin to act out.

Your kids don’t need a magazine-spread holiday. They need you, in a good mood, living the spirit of the season and spreading love and good cheer. How?

Give up on perfection and accept that real parents get reality holidays, complete with messy kitchens, cranky kids and pies that end up on the floor.
Pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Just say no to whatever doesn’t bring you joy.
Focus on Connection, rather than shopping or events.
Be sure your own expectations of the season are reasonable. (What makes you think your difficult relative will suddenly be less difficult this year?)
Make sure you nurture yourself and stay in balance. Start by getting enough sleep.
The minute your mood veers from loving to frenzied, stop. Hug your children and regroup.
Count your blessings and say thank you for everything good in your life, every day.
Find ways to laugh at what will inevitably go wrong.
Pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself on a job well done, not just in December, but all year long.

None of our December holidays are about shopping. They're about the transformative power of faith, love, joy and light. So fill your home with the real meaning of your holiday by focusing on presence, instead of presents. Which means keeping your own cup full, so you can fill everyone else's.

Want more help staying regulated and present every day? Join me for a free LIVE CALL tonight!

I'm on a Blog Tour to celebrate the publication of my first book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. Today's stop is Code Name Mama, where Dionna Ford is hosting me on a LIVE CALL to talk about regulating our own emotions as parents. I'll be answering parents' questions, so if you have a burning question, please hop on the call a few minutes early to give Dionna your question.

The call is free, and access details are available at Code Name Mama. The call is at 7pm PT/ 8pm MT/ 9pm CT /10pm ET (see timeanddate.com for converting to other time zones) and it will be taped.

What would Buddha, Jesus, or Grandma do?

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 05:00:00 GMT

"Is there a way to change how we experience the hair-pulling challenges of mothering? Can one truly alter her feelings in the midst of the supermarket trip from hell? … there is always another way to see the situation, a way that potentially offers greater peace, comfort, acceptance, and balance than our initial response.”
-- Bethany Casarjian, Ph.D. & Diane H. Dillon, Ph.D.

Baffled about what you should do when your kid does something you don’t like, and you're too upset to think straight?

There are always times when we simply can't get our emotions into alignment with our conscious desire to be a patient parent. When this happens, sometimes we have to act our way into who we want to be, and let our feelings follow. So when you don't know what to do:

1. Think about someone whose parenting you admire. Your friend, teacher, mom, even your own awesome inner parent who you sometimes are able (!) to be.

2. Imagine her on your shoulder whispering guidance in your ear. Listen to her tell you what words to say. Take the words right out of her mouth.

3. Act as if you know what to do. Then do it!

What would Jesus, Buddha, Grandma, a joyous parent, do? Act “as if.”

How can you stay cool when your kid acts up?

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 23:53:00 GMT

"Let it go. The moment you feel your hackles rising, let it go. If you let it upset you, what follows is anger, and to quote Yoda, that leads to the dark side....Notice … and interrupt it. Find your own way of accepting things with grace." -- Steve Errey

All parents get angry at their children. And there's nothing wrong with anger; anger is a message. The problem is that we can't hear that message clearly while we're angry. In the heat of the moment, we think the message is that we should hurt our child. In fact, the message might be that we need to put him to bed an hour earlier.

I'm on my Peaceful Parent Blog Tour, and my stop today is PresenceParenting.com, where I'm interviewed by Amy Phoenix. We spent a lot of the interview talking about parental anger -- how to notice it, listen to the message it brings, and avoid acting on it. You can download the MP3 of our conversation, complete with the transcript, at PresenceParenting.com.

So how can you stay cool when your kid acts up?

1. Notice that you're getting annoyed. Sometimes, we don't notice until we're already on the dark side. But usually we can see our annoyance building, because we start gathering kindling. What do I mean? We start reviewing all the reasons we're right and our child is an ungrateful brat. Once you start gathering kindling, it's hard to avoid the firestorm. So as soon as you notice that your mind chatter about your child is negative, STOP. Breathe. Remind yourself that he's acting like a child because he IS a child, and that he needs your love most when he seems to deserve it least.

2.Use your inner pause button. Even if you’re already well down the wrong path and you're yelling, STOP. Take a deep breath and hit the pause button. Close your mouth, even in mid-sentence. Don’t be embarrassed; you’re modeling good anger management. Save your embarrassment for when you have a tantrum.

3. Take Five. Don't try to address the issue with your child while you're angry. Calm down and get re-centered so you can actually hear the message behind your anger. Are you frightened about your child's behavior? Resentful toward your spouse? Exhausted and stressed out?

4. Try a Do-Over. Tell your child you're sorry you got so upset, and the two of you are going to try a Do-over to find a win-win solution. Listen to your child's feelings and try to see things from her perspective. Resist the urge to blame, and instead look for solutions that work for both of you. If your child has damaged something -- including a relationship -- ask her what she might do to repair it.

5. Practice, Practice, Practice. If you're used to flying off the handle, you need to teach your brain new patterns of self-discipline. That takes practice. Luckily, the brain CAN be rewired, so managing your anger gets easier every time you do it. Sure, you'll lose it sometimes. But if you just keep practicing, at some point you'll realize that you no longer lose your cool when your kid acts up.

Yoda would be proud.

***

You'll find step-by-step plans to stop yelling, start connecting, and coach your child to happier cooperation in Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting, now available at your local bookstore or library (Please ask!) Or...

Buy from Amazon, including for Kindle.
Buy from Barnes and Noble, including for Nook.
Buy from an Independent Bookseller near you

Are you outside the US? Amazon.UK should have more books soon, and they say they'll add the kindle version.

10 Tips to Transition to Positive Parenting

Wed, 28 Nov 2012 05:00:00 GMT

"I recently discovered Aha! Parenting and am trying hard to change things at our house, but my kids seem to be acting out more. So I still lose it. And I feel so guilty about the past. What am I doing wrong?" - Kate

"For me, this type of parenting is a daily choice. Every morning I have to make the commitment not to yell, to stay calm, to chose love. And there is something very empowering about that. I've learned that when I apologize to my kids when I make mistakes and slip - I see that when they accept my apology, they feel empowerment and generosity of spirit. This influences their behavior with each other - there are more kind words and gestures, more "I'm sorry" and more "Don't worry, I know it wasn't your fault" that they extend to each other, than before. There are days when things are a big struggle, but I really feel that something is changing deep within our hearts AND I feel us grow closer together when we chose love, and when in the middle of a tantrum I hug my child and genuinely tell him that I hear his pain and that I'll help him work through it."

Shifting your parenting approach is a big transition, and you can expect some bumps as you and your children learn new patterns of relating. It doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong. In fact, what's happening is that you're healing old hurt feelings so they stop driving new bad behavior. When your child acts out, he's showing you feelings from the past when you punished or yelled. It takes extra compassion from you, but your empathic response will heal those hurts so you can all move on.

So ditch that guilt -- you're paying the price, after all, and making amends now! Besides, feeling bad doesn't help you act good, any more than it helps your child. Here's your plan.

1. Explain what's happening. "You know how I yell at you and send you to your room when you break the rules? I've decided that isn't helping. I'm so sorry that I have gotten into a bad habit of yelling so much. I love you so much, and I know you try hard. When you're upset, I want to help you with those feelings and with whatever problem you're having. Let's work together to solve the problems that come up, okay?"

2. Ask for cooperation. "We still have all the same rules. Our most important rule is that in this house we treat each other with kindness. I'm going to work very hard not to yell at you, and to really listen and be kind. Do you think you can work on this rule, too, and be kind to your sister?" (It's best to limit yourself to the most important request, at the beginning. Once you see improvement, you can work on other areas.)

3. Offer Support and Model Win-Win Solutions. "I know your little sister gets on your nerves sometimes, and she always wants to play with your things. That's really annoying to you. You deserve to be able to keep your treasures safe. But it isn't okay to yell at your sister or hit her. Why don't we work together to find a safe place for your treasures where your sister can't get at them? And if you start getting annoyed at her, what can you do instead of yelling?"

4. Connect. Your child only cooperates to the degree that she feels connected to you and believes you're on her side. Positive parenting doesn't work without connection, because you squander your only leverage and have to resort to threats (which destroy trust and start your child acting out again.) Spend at least ten minutes connecting one-on-one with each child daily, just following her lead and pouring your love into her. You'll be amazed at the difference in the way she responds to your requests.

5. Expect emotions. When children have been punished, they've learned that those big emotions that drove them to misbehave are BAD, and so they try to stuff them. That doesn't work, of course. The jealousy, frustration and need are still there in your child's emotional backpack, popping out at the slightest provocation. The only reason your child keeps them under wraps is because he's afraid. So once you stop punishing, those emotions are bound to bubble up to get healed.

Acting out is not a personal challenge to you. When your child "acts out" he is acting out feelings that he can't express in words. Like "All those times you yelled at me, and I was so scared, I acted like I didn't care, but I was terrified inside....That fear is still inside me and it eats away at me and feels awful....So I lash out to keep those feelings down." No child could tell you that, so he acts out. Train yourself to see misbehavior as a cry for help. Emotions are never the problem; humans will always have big emotions. The key is to help your child understand his emotions so he can manage them -- and can manage his behavior.

6. Create Safety When your child shows you her upsets, stay calm. Don't take it personally. The more you stay compassionate and accepting, the more she will be able to show you the fears and tears behind her anger. Expressing those fears and tears is healing. Once she shares them with you -- and she doesn't even need to know what they're about, or to use words -- those feelings will evaporate, and she won't need that chip on her shoulder to protect herself. (If she's stuck in anger, create more safety by doing lots of giggling together.)

7. Help your child make sense of his experience with a story. "When you were little, I was having a hard time...I yelled a lot...I didn't know what else to do...That frightened you....So you got very very mad sometimes...But now I work really hard to be kind, and not to yell....You don't get so frightened....And you are learning better ways to show me when you are scared or mad.....We work together to solve problems in our family.....Everyone gets upset sometimes....We try to listen to each other and be kind....Then we always make things better between us." Older kids, especially, benefit from using words to understand their emotional life. Just be careful to empathize, not analyze -- so he feels understood, not invaded.

8. Teach reparations. If you've been punishing, you'll feel unfinished if your child breaks a rule and you don't punish him. Train yourself to think in terms of repair, instead. So after everyone has calmed down and is feeling reconnected, have a private discussion with your child about what happened. Listen to his perspective and empathize. "You were pretty mad when he did that...I hear you." Point out the damage: "When you said that to your brother, it really hurt his feelings....and it made him not feel as close to you." Ask your child if there is anything he can do to repair the damage. "What could you do to repair that hurt with your brother?" Resist the urge to punish or force an apology. Instead, empower your child to see that he can repair his mistakes. That process will teach him that he doesn't want to make those mistakes to begin with.

9. Model apologies. Don't force your child to apologize, because it leads to resentment. But if you model apology yourself, your child will follow your example. When something goes wrong, take as much responsibility as you can "I see two upset kids...I'm so sorry I wasn't here to help you work this out before you both started hitting...and then I got worried someone was getting hurt, so I started yelling, too...I'm so sorry....Let's all try a do-over.....I know you don't want to hit each other, hitting hurts." Over time, your modeling will help your children step up and take responsibility, too.

10. Expect setbacks. You're human, so you aren't perfect. Expect to make mistakes. Expect some days to be a huge struggle. Life is hard, and parenting is even harder. But you're on a good path now, that leads to a happier, more peaceful family. Two steps forward, one step back still gets you where you want to go. Soon you'll find yourself in a whole new landscape. Enjoy the journey.

Want more help? Two ways to support yourself:

Join me tonight as I kick off the Peaceful Parent Happy Kids Blog Tour with a live call hosted by the Natural Parents Network. The topic is BEYOND DISCIPLINE, and I'll be answering questions from parents. The call is free, moderated by Dionna Ford of Code Name Mama, and you can get the access information at http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/chat-dr-laura-ahaparenting/. You can see the rest of my Blog Tour stops here: http://www.ahaparenting.com/Blog_Tour

You'll find step-by-step plans to stop yelling, start connecting, and coach your child to happier cooperation in Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting, now available at your local bookstore or library (Please ask!) Or...

Buy from Amazon, including for Kindle.
Buy from Barnes and Noble, including for Nook.
Buy from an Independent Bookseller near you

A Thank You Note -- for You.

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 05:00:00 GMT

"One generation of deeply loving parents would change the brain of the next generation, and with that, the world." - Charles Raison

Today, my first book was published, and I'm writing thank you notes to everyone who made it possible. Including you. Whether you've subscribed to this newsletter since the first issue in 2008, or you discovered it last week, you are my inspiration. Without you, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids would never have been published.

So I thank you for the honor of your company. I'm so appreciative that you allow me to walk with you on this journey.

I also want to express my deep gratitude for your commitment to your child, for your willingness to grow, and for your intention to be the best parent you can be. I know you're not a perfect parent. I'm not either. And we all have hard days. But all that love you're pouring into your child is changing your child's brain. And you're part of a great wave of loving parents who are transforming humanity.

Together, we really are changing the world.
Thank you.
Dr. Laura

P.S.
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting is now available at your local bookstore or library (please ask!), or:

Buy from Amazon (including for Kindle).
Buy from Barnes and Noble (including for Nook).
Buy from an Independent Bookseller near you

Thanksgiving doesn't have to be perfect to be perfectly wonderful.

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 19:27:00 GMT

"It's especially important during the holidays to remember that aiming for a PERFECT holiday is actually a bad goal. Not only is perfection impossible and striving for it adds stress, but honestly, the holidays families remember most fondly are those when the dog ate the cake, or everybody got the flu on Thanksgiving. Play it loose, have a sense of humor..." -- Meg Cox

If you live in the US, you're already bracing yourself for Thanksgiving Thursday. (If you don't, I hope this post will start you thinking about your December holiday.)

Are you trying to figure out how to get everything done this week? Or how to go beyond mere gluttony to add some meaning and gratitude in between courses? I'm the first to trumpet the benefit to our kids -- and ourselves -- of rituals, and of learning the habit of gratitude. And you'll find plenty of ideas on the Aha! Parenting website to add meaning and Aha! moments to your family's Thanksgiving.

But my plea to you this week is to remember that perfection is not attainable, and striving for that magazine-spread holiday will only stress you out and make you yell at your kids. Luckily, perfection isn't necessary for you and your family to have a perfectly wonderful Thanksgiving.

You know those moments when pandemonium reigns, and your kids are spinning out of control, and your difficult relative is acting, well, difficult, and you have to choose between those visions of a storybook Thanksgiving versus grabbing your kids and getting them outside for some old fashioned fresh air before everyone loses their mind? There's not really a choice. Give up on perfection and go for love.

So maybe what's perfect about Thanksgiving is the opportunity to notice what makes our lives worth living. Even in hard times, there's so much to be grateful for. As Charles Henderson says, "Thanksgiving involves an act of the will. It's not a question of pretending that everything is bright and beautiful when you know it's not. To give thanks is to stand up in the face of the storm and declare that life is worth living."

Storybook holidays are limited to storybooks. Real parents get reality parenting, complete with cranky kids, messy kitchens, and store-bought pie. But extraordinary moments often masquerade as ordinary life. And Thanksgiving gives us a chance to remember that with all of its imperfections, that life is worth living.

So look around the pandemonium and remind yourself to be grateful for every minute you get to spend with your children as they grow. For me, there's no gratitude deeper than that.

P.S. I want to thank you for reading these posts. I'm so blessed by the wonderful moms and dads who include me in their parenting journey and make my work so fulfilling. I'm grateful for your commitment to your child, and for your courage and willingness to grow. Thank you for making the world a better place with your presence.

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting is now available (in hard copy or for e-readers) for pre-order on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and your local bookseller. It ships on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, and the discount is being gradually reduced as we get closer to publication, so if you know you're buying it, you can save money by pre-ordering. And the more pre-orders, the more bookstores and libraries will carry the book -- so the more families see it and can benefit from it. Thank you!

Buy from Amazon.
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Buy from an Independent Bookseller near you

What's So Bad About Bribing Your Child?

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 22:11:00 GMT

"I've been very careful to not use bribery with my child, but there have been times when I've said 'If we all get buckled into the car, we can have time for a book before we eat lunch'... or something like that, and I've wondered if I had just used bribery. What's the difference between bribery and helping them to move towards the next thing with a little incentive?" - Julie

It's a well-accepted tenet of parenting that bribes are a bad idea, used only by desperate parents. But why?

1. Because children shouldn't be "rewarded" for behavior they should do anyway.

I don't agree with this reason. All of us need some incentive to do the right thing and give up something we want. Just because your child "should" obey you instantly without an argument the first time you tell him it's time to leave the playground doesn't mean he will, ever! There are lots of things we "should" do that we're more likely to do if we see that there's something in it for us. Sometimes, that might be looking forward to a book before lunch. As kids get older, it's often simply a good feeling because we made someone else happy.

Conclusion: Looking for a "Win/Win" solution that meets both our desires and our child's desires is not bribery. (What about physical incentives, like toys? See #4 below.)

2. Because when kids get older, they won't get rewards for doing what they're supposed to do.

Actually, they'll get a paycheck for doing their job. They'll get a tax break for donating to a good cause. If they eat right and take care of their bodies, they'll be rewarded with good health. So this objection isn't always true. Even if it's true that the world doesn't necessarily reward good behavior, there's a fundamental flaw in the argument. Just because we're preparing kids for a cold, cruel world, we don't make them sleep without blankets. We raise them to be the kind of person who's empowered to create more warmth.

Conclusion: Not a good enough reason to refrain from bribing, especially if you're at the end of your rope.

3. Because when children are rewarded for a desired behavior (sharing, reading, eating broccoli) they actually do less of the behavior!

Now, this is convincing. Research shows that rewarding a child for a behavior communicates that the behavior must be unpleasant, since you "have to be rewarded" for doing it. And because kids focus on the reward, they never experience the inherent rewards of the activity itself: Sharing can give you a good feeling, reading can be entrancing, and broccoli can taste good! Unfortunately, this holds for material rewards but also for intangibles like praise ("Good sharing!")

Conclusion: Using bribes to get kids to repeat a desired behavior backfires. Luckily, there's an alternative. We can point out the result of the behavior and empower our child to decide if she wants to repeat it ("You made Sam so happy when you shared your truck with him!")

4. Because when children get used to constant rewards for doing what we ask, we're training them that the reason to do what we ask is because they'll "get" something.

Most children learn that once we're offering them a reward, they can negotiate it upwards. So if your child ever says "What do I get if I do that?" you know you've taken rewards way too far. And if you offer your child a "reward" for stopping "bad" behavior, you're actually training him to misbehave in order to get future rewards.

Conclusion: We've all pulled out an enticement on an airplane, or at Grandma's house, hoping to distract our child from an impending explosion. And that's fine; think of it as triage. Just know that your child still has all those feelings pent up inside looking for an outlet, and be sure you schedule a meltdown for later. And for this strategy to be effective, you have to resist using it except in "emergencies." While a peaceful Thanksgiving dinner at Grandma's may qualify as an emergency, the supermarket check-out line probably doesn't, simply because it happens so often.

What if you've been using material bribes, like toys, to get your child cooperating? If this is time-limited -- for instance, small prizes for potty training -- it doesn't seem to do any harm. True, your child is learning to manage his body's urges because he wants another piece to his train set. But he's still learning, and that habit will continue even after your bribes stop.

What about a more general trend of paying your child off with small toys every time she cooperates with you? You're setting yourself up for extortion. What's more, you're ignoring a red flag. Why does your child need a toy to cooperate with you? Is she feeling a bit disconnected? Try dispensing with the bribes, and substitute some giggly roughhousing every day for a week. Your child will feel so motivated by her deepened connection to you that her requests for bribes will just melt away. Because you're the reward your child really wants.

***

Do you want to raise an emotionally intelligent child? Do you want some help to manage your own emotions? You'll find the step-by-step plans in my new book: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting.

It's now available (in hard copy or for e-readers) for pre-order on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and your local bookseller. Less than two weeks until it ships, and the discount is being gradually reduced as we get closer to publication, so if you know you're buying it, you can save money by pre-ordering. And the more pre-orders, the more bookstores and libraries will carry the book -- so the more families see it and can benefit from it. Thank you!

Buy from Amazon.
Buy from Barnes and Noble.
Buy from an Independent Bookseller near you

Are you outside the US? Amazon.UK sold out of the book, but they're already printing more, so they'll have it back in stock soon!

Should You Negotiate with Your Child?

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 20:33:00 GMT

"I don't negotiate with my kids, I think it would confuse them... And didn't you say in a previous post that parents should stand firm so that children know they can trust them to mean what they say? It seems that allowing negotiation would undermine that, and give the child the impression that the parent isn't confident in the boundary they are enforcing... Wouldn't it make more sense to tell the child in the first place if a particular request is a choice, instead of giving an instruction and then allowing them to negotiate their way out of it?" - Sylv

Sylv is right, of course. If we know that a limit is firm, and we're not open to negotiation, then we need to make that clear:

"I won't let you hit your sister."

"The rule is you feed the dog before you come to the dinner table."

By contrast, if we're open to how our child fulfills our request, most children feel more cooperative if they're permitted some choices. No one likes to be pushed around.

"Do you want to put your shoes on first, or your jacket?

"Do you want the shot in your right arm or your left arm?"

But what about those times when we set a limit and our child argues with us? Should we negotiate? If the limit is non-negotiable, we don't negotiate, although we can't blame a child for trying. (A sense of humor really helps.) But often, when our child states his preference, we realize that actually we could give a little, and we'd both be happy. In that case, why not say so?

"Okay, I hear you want to stay at the park longer....And I need to get home in time to get dinner started. What can we do?.....Hmm, staying another 20 minutes doesn't work for me; it doesn't help me get dinner cooked in time....What about this? Will you two help me peel the potatoes?...Terrific! We found a solution that works for you AND works for me! We can stay ten minutes longer."

I call this teaching kids to look for Win/Win solutions. Should they get what they want by whining? Absolutely not. Should they learn that they can get what they want by marshaling good arguments and making them in a reasonable, humorous, charming way that meets your needs as well as theirs? Absolutely, if you want them to get anywhere in life.

The hard part of this is getting clear about just what your needs are, in the midst of the negotiation. Sure, she has to get that peanut butter out of her hair, but can she do it at the kitchen sink? Why can't he leave the house barefoot and put on his shoes in the car? It helps if you can stay calm while you consider. And if you're too stressed to be open to negotiation at that moment, you're allowed to pull rank:

"I hear that you think it would work for me to take you to the store now, then come back and get your brother...That sounds like a lot of driving and I'm already overwhelmed with this busy day...So thanks for trying to come up with an idea, Honey, but today I need to do this the simple way. We need to all be ready to leave in ten minutes together. Now, how can we work together to do that?"

Can't this drive you crazy? Yes, which is why you'll probably need to pull rank sometimes and just announce that you're not open to negotiation. Since you usually try to find win/win solutions, your kids will give you the benefit of the doubt.

Isn't this more work? Yes. But you're teaching them critical life skills. Recently, my daughter said to me:

"Mom, I know you're going to ask how I'll get all my homework done if I spend all Saturday with my friends at the amusement park. But I've been keeping up with everything, so I only have my history paper to finish. If I get up early on Sunday, I'll be able to do a good job on it."

See what I mean? By the time they're teens, they're anticipating your objections. What's more, your objections have become part of their planning process, so they're becoming more responsible before you even open your mouth. That's what I call Win/Win!

***

P.S. My hope with these emails is to support you in staying on track with your parenting aspirations. For deep change, for yourself and your child, please check out my new book: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting.

It's now available for pre-order on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and your local bookseller. It ships in less than two weeks but there's still a pre-order discount, so if you know you're buying it, you can save money by pre-ordering. And the more pre-orders, the more bookstores carry the book -- so the more families see it and can benefit from it. Thank you!

Buy from Amazon (also available for Kindle or to download to your Mac).
Buy from Barnes and Noble (also available for Nook).
Buy from an Independent Bookseller near you.

Or Order from your local bookstore.
Or call your local library and ask them to order.

Amazon.UK and South Africa - Sold Out - will be taking orders again soon; The book is being reprinted!

What Part of No Doesn't Your Child Understand?

Tue, 13 Nov 2012 16:39:00 GMT

"When we acknowledge our children’s right to want things, as well as their right to be upset when they can’t have what they want, it goes a long way toward defusing their anger and the tantrums that occur as a result.” -- Nancy Samalin

We can't say yes to everything our child wants. Sometimes we need to say No, for their own good, or for the greater good of the family or community. It's hard for children to accept big disappointments and weather that sadness. But when we allow them to feel their disappointment and love them through it, they learn that:

Sadness can be endured.
The sun will always come out tomorrow.
They can't control their circumstances, but they always have a choice about how to respond to make the best of a situation.

That's how they develop resilience.

So why do kids fight so hard against our limits? Because those big feelings of disappointment are hard to face. They'd rather keep fighting with us than face the music. That's why, if your No is non-negotiable, it's good to keep it clear and calm, so your child understands they've hit a wall and might as well accept the limit. Then, accept that your child might have some big feelings about the limit. Empathize and make it safe for her to share her tears and fears with you.

But what about when your NO is clear and calm and your child still won't take No for an answer? What if he's on the attack? The part of NO that our kids don't understand is often the part where we make them feel bad about themselves and what they want, instead of just saying NO to the desire.

How do you feel when you can't have something? Maybe a nice vacation, or dinner at a fancy restaurant, or even just a few minutes to yourself? Think how much better you feel when your spouse, or friend, responds to your desire like this:

"I see how much you want that....I wish you could have it...You deserve it....Wouldn't it be nice?"

But what if instead they say:

"No way! What, are you crazy?! In your dreams! Get over it!"

Or, worse yet, "You're always wanting things! You're so greedy and self-centered! Do you think you're the center of the universe?"

From your perspective, your kid's desire to stay up later, swing from the lights at the doctor's office, or have her birthday party at a fancy place might be just plain nuts. But if you can say YES to the feelings and desire, even while you say NO to the request, your child will feel (and act) a whole lot better.

Like this:

"You wish you could stay up later. When you're big, I bet you'll stay up all night, every night, and never go to bed, won't you? Right now it's bedtime, but we can still have fun while we get ready. Do want to hide under the covers and see if I can find you? Then we'll read a story."

"You're full of energy right now. This isn't a good place for jumping around, but when we get outside, we can play a little in the park across the street before we head home. Want to play this puzzle game with me while we wait for the doctor?"

"You wish you could have a party at that place, but that's not in our budget this year. I see how disappointed you are, Sweetie. I know you want a fantastic party that all the kids will love. Let's brainstorm about how to have a really great party in our backyard. Should we make a special cake together? Or have banana splits? A Pinata? An obtacle course? A treasure hunt?"

Your child feels understood. She may be disappointed, but she knows you're on her side. And instead of getting stuck in anger, she can grieve the disappointment, which lets her move on.

You might even post a little sign on your refrigerator or car dashboard:

Allow feelings, Limit behavior.

Do you always have to say a firm No? Or can you be open to negotiation? That's tomorrow's post!

***

P.S. My hope with these emails is to support you in staying on track with your parenting aspirations. For deep change, for yourself and your child, please check out my new book: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting.

It's now available for pre-order on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and your local bookseller. It ships in two weeks but there's still a pre-order discount, so if you know you're buying it, you can save money by pre-ordering. And the more pre-orders, the more bookstores carry the book -- so the more families see it and can benefit from it. Thank you!

Buy from Amazon (also available for Kindle or to download to your Mac).
Buy from Barnes and Noble (also available for Nook).
Buy from an Independent Bookseller near you.

Or Order from your local bookstore.
Or call your local library and ask them to order.

Amazon.UK - Sold Out - will be taking orders again soon as the book is being preprinted.

Want to Meet One of My Heroines?

Fri, 09 Nov 2012 05:00:00 GMT

"In a society that has figured out that parents deserve support, you would be able to push a button and call the Parent Rescue Squad....Three people arrive within five minutes...One takes you over and listens to how your day has gone and how your child is driving you crazy....One is helping your child with his project and giving him some carrots and peanut butter....One peels the baby off your leg and plays with the baby for awhile...until your family is triaged and put back together and your patience is healed...It only takes about 20 minutes...and then they go down the street to the next family who could use a little help." - Patty Wipfler

Want to meet one of my heroines? I'll be chatting with her on the phone next Thursday, and you're invited to listen in. You can even ask us questions about your kids!

I'm talking about Patty Wipfler, the founder of Hand in Hand Parenting, who has invited me to join her for a live call to discuss Helping Children Learn To Regulate Their Emotions.

Why do I admire Patty so much? Well, there are many brilliant people advocating for children and parents today. I see us all with our hands joined, creating one great loving wave of change to better nurture children and parents. But to me, Patty is way out in front on this wave, because she's led the way in helping us understand something critical that most parenting "experts" don't address much.

You know how when you read a parenting book, it makes so much sense? And then you try the suggestions, and it doesn't work out quite like you hoped. What went wrong? Emotion.

We aren't brought up to understand much about how emotion works. In fact, most of us are frightened of our feelings. We repress them, stuffing them in our emotional backpacks, keeping them zipped by lashing out at others whenever the tears and fears we're stuffing threaten to spill out. Which means, of course, that our emotional life ends up beyond our conscious control. No matter how much we love our kids, if we aren't emotionally regulated we "just can't stop ourselves" from having our own parental tantrums.

What's more, we're modeling that and teaching it to our children. We give them the message that their feelings are scary, off-limits. Given their brain structure, you might say that young children experience the world through their body and emotions. So if we don't understand how kids' emotions work, we can't help them learn to regulate those feelings. And until they can befriend their emotions, they can't manage them. Then we wonder why they can't regulate their behavior!

So emotions are at the core of our relationships with our children. Until we understand them, and learn how to navigate their shoals, it's hard to be the parents we want to be. That's why I see emotion as the big uncharted territory in our understanding of the parent-child relationship.

And that's why I have such admiration for Patty Wipfler, who is a pioneer in explaining clearly and simply how emotions work, how you can help your child process his feelings, and how to work through your own emotions. I often suggest HandinHandParenting.org to parents, and they always come back to tell me that they've had an Aha! moment. I'm happy to report that I say many of the same things that Patty says -- but I have to admit that somehow Patty says them better!

Clearly, Patty Wipfler is saying something we all need to hear, and saying it in a unique way that really hits home. She's inspired me over the years to change my terminology ("Special Time" instead of "Quality Time" for instance) and lighten my approach, using more play to disarm the defended heart. And she's given me one of my favorite fantasies of how parents should be supported; watch this short video for her description of the Parent Rescue Squad, something we all need from time to time.

So I'm grateful for Patty Wipfler's inspiration, tireless advocacy, and ability to teach these ideas in a practical way. And if you don't know her yet, I'd love to introduce you.

Won't you join Patty and me for a conversation about emotions next Thursday November 15? The time is 9pm EST (Click here to convert to your local time), but once you register you'll get the link to the taped call, so you can listen later. You can even ask questions. I guarantee you'll come away inspired.

The call is free, but you do have to Register. Here's the link.

****

It's now available (in hard copy or for e-readers) for pre-order on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and your local bookseller. Only 18 days until it ships, and the discount is being gradually reduced as we get closer to publication, so if you know you're buying it, you can save money by pre-ordering. And the more pre-orders, the more bookstores and libraries will carry the book -- so the more families see it and can benefit from it. Thank you!

Buy from Amazon.
Buy from Barnes and Noble.
Buy from an Independent Bookseller near you

No Shoes, No Shirt, No Power Struggle!

Thu, 08 Nov 2012 19:13:00 GMT

“Dr. Laura...You suggest setting a limit with empathy and then when our child has a tantrum in response, staying connected. I have been doing this with my three year old, and it does make things much better, meaning she has fewer tantrums now. But sometimes I just don't have time for this. What about when I need to get out the door with her and she won't put her shoes on? I don't always have time for her feelings. How do I avoid the power struggle?"- Kristin

It's true, we don't always have time to help our child with her big feelings. That's why it's so important that when we do have the time and energy to help our child with what's bothering her, we do it. Preventive maintenance such as Roughhousing and Special Time work magic because they give our children the regular opportunity to "unpack" all those sad, scared feelings they've been stuffing in their (figurative) emotional backpacks, which will otherwise spill out as contrary behavior.

But let's say you skipped special time this morning because everyone got up late, and now your child is feeling a bit disconnected. That disconnection often surfaces in a power struggle, because your child doesn't feel as much part of a team with you. (That's why five minutes of concentrated morning connection with each child is so important to getting out the door on time.)

But power struggles take two people, so it is possible to sidestep and avoid them, simply by not engaging. (You don't have to attend every power struggle to which you're invited!) This will take an attitude shift from you, of course. Always start by asking yourself if it really matters. Maybe you could just bring her shoes and let her go barefoot? That's always my preferred approach. Your child then is empowered to make her own decision. But let's say it's cold and wet, and you really want her to wear her shoes. Sure, you could force her, but she will just be more contrary later.

So you take a deep breath, restore yourself to calm, and begin the dance of reconnecting to your child. In other words, you ignore your child's defiance or other invitation to fight, reminding yourself that what he really wants is to feel the solidity of your love for him. Instead, you summon up all your warmth and presence to re-connect. Then, the number of ways you can move toward a win/win situation where your child's shoes are on is limited only by your imagination. You could try:

Invitation to play: "No shoes? How will you skip? I was hoping to skip with you to the car!"

Ask for her help to solve the problem: "Sweetie, we have a problem. We have to leave right now; it's cold and wet outside; and you don't have your shoes on yet. What should we do?" Most kids can't resist being the problem-solver.

Give her something to move toward: "In the car, do you want to play that game where we make the lights turn green by counting? Ok, quick, let's get your shoes on so we can go!"

Empower with Choice: "Sweetie, your feet need shoes, it's very cold and wet outside. Do you want to wear your sneakers or your boots? Ok, boots, let's get them on."

Playful Competition: "I bet I can get my shoes on faster than you can...Let's race!...1, 2, 3, GO!"

Connect: "I think those toes need kissing before they can go into those shoes, that's the problem....I'm kissing all those toes....1,2,3,4,5...what delicious toes! Oh, they're talking to me...they're saying 'Put me in my shoe! Ok, in they go...Now the other foot!"

Trigger Autonomy:"You can't put your shoes on yourself, can you? NO? Really? I don't believe it! WOW! You can! Look at you putting on your own shoes!"

You'll notice we have to be in a good mood to try any of these approaches. But if we can keep our own equilibrium, and stay calm and connected with our child, we can usually help her shift into a more cooperative state. Which is why whatever time we put into keeping our own cup full always gets us out the door faster.

*****

Want more practical, kid-tested strategies to make life with your child happier and more rewarding? You'll find them in my new book: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting.

It's now available (in hard copy or for e-readers) for pre-order on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and your local bookseller. Only 19 days until it ships, and the discount is being gradually reduced as we get closer to publication, so if you know you're buying it, you can save money by pre-ordering. And the more pre-orders, the more bookstores carry the book -- so the more families see it and can benefit from it. Thank you!

Buy from Amazon.
Buy from Barnes and Noble.
Buy from an Independent Bookseller near you

Your Magic Wand for a Peaceful Home

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 20:55:00 GMT

“There's nothing tiny or insignificant. Everything is significant... Whether you are looking at world events or something that's happening in your kitchen, there's potential for connection or disconnection in either case. And it is really only the connection or the disconnection that is of any importance.” -- Abraham-Hicks

How's your week going? Have you had a moment of connection with your child that made your heart melt?

You need that kind of moment every day, to be an inspired parent. Why? Because parenting is hard, and those moments of love are what keep us going. That connection is what reminds us that our child is a young human doing the best she can, even when we wish she'd act differently. And since we have the privilege of seeing our kids at their worst, it renews our faith to feel their deep love for us.

Our kids need those moments too, to trust us. That's when our love really sinks into their souls. When kids are convinced they're lovable, they act lovable. When they're not, they "act out" -- which means they have feelings they don't know how to express, so they act those feelings out.

What if you could create that deep loving connection as your (almost) constant way of being with your child? It would be like giving yourself a magic wand. There would be no more yelling in your home. Some heart-felt tears, maybe. Lots of hugging, smiling, laughing, fun.

How?

1. Hold that picture of yourself connecting with deep love to your child, in your mind right now, for a full 60 seconds. Watch it like a movie. How are you feeling and acting? How is your child responding? Let that heart-melting, connected feeling soak in. You're programming your subconscious.

2. Every time you feel disconnected from your child today, show yourself that picture and feel that feeling again. Sounds hard? Keep practicing. It gets easier. It helps if you can see things from your child's perspective instead of getting stuck in yours. There's always more than one way to interpret a situation.

Feeling disconnected from your child? Humans connect most quickly through physical touch. Play is also fool-proof. But it doesn't happen without slowing down, letting go of distractions, and bringing yourself completely into the interaction with your child. Snuggle on the couch, give a foot rub, or start some roughhousing. Encourage sibling bonding with a "kids against parents" pillow fight. (Let the kids win.)

3. Don't try to guide your child when you're angry. Is your child acting out? Intervene to keep everyone safe, and then say "I need to calm down before I speak with you." Then go calm down and re-center yourself in your loving vision. If your guidance to your child comes from fear, it will backfire. If it comes from your loving connection with your child, you'll be on the right track.

4. Take at least one action TODAY to make that loving image happen. Even a small action. Every action is significant.

5. Give yourself a huge hug. You're a hero just for getting up each morning determined to be the best parent you can be. You don't have to be perfect. In fact, accepting and loving yourself might be the best gift you can give your child, because it helps you be more emotionally generous. So hug yourself. Hug your child. And enjoy your magic wand of connection. You're becoming your child's fairy godmother or godfather.

Tomorrow: Repeat. You'll be amazed at the transformation in your home within a week.

*****

It's now available (in hard copy or for e-readers) for pre-order on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and your local bookseller. Only 20 days until it ships, and the discount is being gradually reduced as we get closer to publication, so if you know you're buying it, you can save money by pre-ordering. And the more pre-orders, the more bookstores carry the book -- so the more families see it and can benefit from it. Thank you!

Buy from Amazon.
Buy from Barnes and Noble.
Buy from an Independent Bookseller near you

10 Tips for Parenting in Public

Tue, 06 Nov 2012 16:12:00 GMT

"How many times have you felt forced/nudged/shamed/coerced into parenting in a way you don't usually because you were in a public situation? I know I have, and it still happens now that my kids are out of the toddler tantrum stage." - Ask Moxie

"Where I struggle is under the judgmental gaze of grandparents who believe in PUNISHMENT and CONSEQUENCES when the line is crossed. I can almost hear a tsk, tsk as I do my empathic parenting. .. No matter how old I get....I still want parents' approval, you know?" - Ann

Kids don't always behave as we'd like when we're out and about. And when they're at family gatherings, they're often over-excited and off their schedules, so their behavior can be particularly challenging.

The hard part is that not only do we have to be extra creative to help our child cope in a way that doesn't infringe on the rights of others...We have to do it in front of an audience! An audience that we just know is judging us as bad parents. It doesn't matter whether it's grandparents judging us as Permissive and Clueless or supermarket cashiers judging us as Yelling and Mean. If we were good parents, our child wouldn't be acting up to begin with. Right?

Actually, wrong. Even well-adjusted, wonderful children of parents we would all admire have their moments. My dad and stepmom still remember the doozy of a tantrum my son had in the car when he was three. I think they were actually surprised that my son turned out to be such a great kid. My insight from that experience? My son was in the right. I would have done things differently if we were alone. But because they were there, I compromised my own instincts, and didn't listen to my son. Sure, the grandparents thought they should outrank a toddler. But looking back these many years, I still see that my son experienced my going along with them as a betrayal of our relationship.

Did my son come out ok? Yes, of course. As long as we're usually empathic with our kids, those failures of empathy are fine. In fact, he probably learned something about sticking up for himself, and about how we can repair rifts in relationships. But as a result of that experience, and many, many stories I have heard from parents, I'm here to encourage you to stick to your parenting convictions, even in public, and even with grandparents.

Would your child be better behaved in public if you were a more authoritarian parent? Maybe. But we know that parenting style doesn't encourage healthy development and it only lasts for as long as you can physically control your child. Of course you need to set limits with your child, whether that's about jumping on Grandma's couch or running through a restaurant. But you can set limits without resorting to punishment. Instead of threatening kids with consequences if they don't behave, why not help your child become the kind of person who understands what behavior is appropriate, and who wants to behave that way?

Here's how.

1. Tend to basic needs. Be pre-emptive. Don't take a tired, hungry child anywhere. Even if you're going to a meal, assume your child will be hungry before the food is served and bring snacks. If you're in the grocery store, head first to the foods you will let her eat, and choose something for her to snack on while you shop. Before you walk into Grandma's, let your child run and roughhouse for a few minutes, and pour your love into him while he giggles.

2. Prepare your child. Explain, even to a baby, what will be happening. Describe what you will do, and any expectations you have for your child's behavior. ("At Grandma's we hold hands and say a blessing, like this. During the blessing, only the person who is offering the blessing speaks. The rest of us will be quiet.")

3. Invite your child to contribute positively. Describe the situation and explore with your child what kinds of contributions would be helpful. "At the restaurant, the waiters are rushing around balancing food. How can we help them do a good job and not spill things?" As you discuss visiting the grandparents, practice hellos and goodbyes so your child is more comfortable with those often-tricky greetings.

4. Remember your first responsibility is to your child. When your child is screaming on the airplane and all eyes are on you, naturally you want to control your child to keep her quiet, even if control isn't your usual approach. And yes, the other passengers on the plane have a right to a flight that isn't dominated by your little hellion. But focusing on them will just undermine your ability to help your child, and until you help her with whatever problem is causing her to scream, she will probably keep screaming. The truth is, the other passengers are much less interested in judging you than in having a quiet flight.

5. Be aware that you're always teaching. When your child screeches "But I WANT the candy, I NEED it!" of course you acknowledge how much she wants it. But that doesn't mean you buy it, unless you want to buy it every time. Instead, you empathize and redirect her longing toward a food you feel good about her eating. She might screech the first four times, or even have a good cry in your arms that necessitates your leaving the store. Eventually, she will learn through experience that you don't buy the candy, but instead you'll buy her any fruit she wants.

An airplane, though, or any situation where you can't leave, is obviously not the time to let her have a good cry. So forget about long-term development (that's why you keep situations like planes and restaurants to a minimum) and go for distraction. If she wants to get up and run during takeoff, empathize: "You want up! It's hard to wait." Tell her when she can get what she wants: "As soon as the plane is in the air, you can get up!" Then distract: "Look! we''re taking off! The plane is going up!" Or pull out a special small toy you brought just for this moment, "Look, a surprise! What's in it?"

6. Stay present to your child. Often when children "act out" in public or when they're visiting relatives, it's because they feel our attention is elsewhere. That makes them a bit insecure, so they act out to get the reassurance that we're still attending to them. For instance, if you expect to spend the plane flight relaxing, you can count on your child needing to interact with you fairly constantly. The more we can stay connected with a child, the less he will act out, always.

7. Start with Empathy before you problem solve. "You seem pretty mad...What's going on?...I see....I wonder how we can solve this?"

8. Find ways to honor or redirect your child's impulses. "You want to run! Let's run outside the store for a few minutes before we go in, since you've been sitting in the car. Then, in the store, let's walk THIS way!"

9. Don't hesitate to remove him if necessary. If your child has a meltdown, it's impossible to attend to him and also finish your shopping. Just scoop him up and remove him from the situation. Maybe you can go to your car, or to an out of the way spot at the mall where you won't be disturbing other people. Just as important, you won't be tempted to parent as onlookers think you should, so you can follow your own instincts.

As always, empathize with how upset he is: "You want to run around the aisles, but I need you to stay in the cart. It's hard to stay in the cart." Feeling understood usually calms kids. When he's done crying, hold him and comfort him. If he's still awake, decide if the two of you are up for another try, and if so, how it can work for both of you "Maybe for the last bit of shopping, you can walk next to me and help me find things, and then sit in the cart again at the checkout?" There's no shame in your child's needs clashing with the household need to get food in the house. The shame is in responding to that clash by becoming a parent you don't want to be.

10. Assume the support of your audience. In the same way that audiences root for performers to succeed, the people watching want you and your child to succeed. They know kids can be unpredictable and unreasonable. They may assume the situation would get resolved faster if you did it their way, but imagine how impressed the grandparents will be when they see your son pull himself together because you've empathized "Oh, Sweetie, you really wish you could have another cookie, I know! Tell me how many cookies you would like to eat? 10,000?! Oh my goodness, would you be as tall as the sky then?"

And what about the times when, inevitably, you're embarrassed about the way your child is behaving? You will probably want to have a quiet conversation with the grandparents at some point to explain why your parenting philosophy is going to raise them wonderful grandchildren, and why punishment won't. But those strangers in the grocery store? You'll never see them again. Smile ruefully and say "Sometimes we all have bad days." Nobody can disagree with that.

*******

P.S. Want more practical, kid-tested strategies to make life with your child happier and more rewarding? You'll find them in my new book: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting.

It's now available for pre-order on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and your local bookseller. Only 21 days until it ships, and the discount is being gradually reduced as we get closer to publication, so if you know you're buying it, you can save money by pre-ordering. And the more pre-orders, the more bookstores carry the book -- so the more families see it and can benefit from it. Thank you!

Buy from Amazon.
Buy from Barnes and Noble.
Buy from an Independent Bookseller near you.

When You Just Don't Have Time for That Meltdown

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 18:19:00 GMT

"How would you handle a situation when you have to leave the park to go get your other two children and unfortunately can't sit on the bench for thirty minutes while she cries?" - Sandra

If you've been reading these Aha! parenting emails for awhile, you know that kids have big feelings that drive their behavior. If you want the behavior to change, you have to make it safe for them to show you the tears and fears that are driving it. Otherwise, those hurts stay clenched inside, stored in what we might think of as an emotional backpack. They come bubbling up whenever your child suffers even a small disappointment. To keep those roiling emotions zipped in the backpack, kids get angy and lash out.

So, you sometimes find yourself sitting on a park bench with a sobbing child. Amazingly, after the meltdown, your child is usually cooperative for the rest of the day, or even the week. Sibling squabbles diminish and your child is unusually affectionate. So any parent who can stay calm enough to support their child lovingly through a big cry usually becomes a convert and starts to embrace tears, rather than shutting them down.

BUT what if you don't have time? Sometimes, after all, you have other children to go pick up, or "the baby is crawling away putting leaves in his mouth and my toddler is throwing a tantrum on the swing and my 4-year-old is running to the slides because he doesn't want to leave," as Kristin said on my Facebook page.

The answer is that sometimes you really don't have time for feelings. So you do what you can to avoid the meltdown in the moment.

1. Start early. Since you know a meltdown is likely, start the process of leaving the park at least half hour earlier than you think you need to. Worst case scenario, you'll get to the older child's school early and play at their playground.

2. Remember to see things from your child's perspective. Of course he doesn't want to leave the playground. EMPATHY is your magic wand. When kids feel understood, they're more likely to do what we ask, even if they don't see any benefit for themselves. So make sure your child feels that you've listened, understood, and tried to take his needs into account.

3. Make it worth their while. This is not a bribe. This is an acknowledgment that your child needs something to move towards. Maybe it's the playground at big brother's school, or the music he can choose in the car, or a snack in the car, or he gets to unlock the car. Whatever gives him a little hit of dopamine when he thinks about it, so he has a reason to get off that wonderful swing.

4. Divide and Conquer. Put the baby on your back. Then enroll the four year old in your plan. If she gets excited about leaving, she'll help convince the two year old.

5. When all else fails, pick up your howling child and leave. If you can manage to grunt out an occasional empathic acknowledgment as you stagger to the car, great -- your child might even feel "heard." If not, just bite your tongue so you don't start screaming. True, you aren't helping your child process her emotions, so you can expect a meltdown later today, over the slightest frustration. But at least she knows you're serious when you say it's time to leave, so you only have to do this once or twice.

Of course, that's also true if you sit on the park bench with her for half an hour, as I described in a previous post, and it's easier for you to stay calm using that approach. But when you have two other children waiting, this child's meltdown will just have to happen in the car. Hopefully, you can get the other two kids safely into the car and occupied with music and snacks, and then listen and empathize a bit with your upset child. But there are times when even that's impossible due to time constraints, and you just have to drive.

Here's the catch. Every time you ignore your child's emotions, you're asking her to stuff them. If she doesn't get another opportunity to work them through, they'll drive more "bad" behavior. So the bad news is, sometimes feelings just have to wait, and when you can't listen to your child's feelings you'll see worse behavior later.

But the good news is that many of these meltdowns can be avoided to begin with. Preventive maintenance to help your child process his emotions minimizes meltdowns and increases cooperation. And if you have more than one child, you certainly can't always be available for meltdowns when your child "blows." That means that your primary parenting strategy has to be prevention: Scheduled meltdowns, focusing on connection, empathy, "special time," roughhousing games, and no punishment. Children raised that way are better able to regulate their emotions, and therefore their behavior.

So how can you use Preventive Maintenance? Watch for tomorrow's email!

****

Want more support in working with emotions -- yours and your child's? Emotions are at the core of parenting, and of my new book: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. It's now available for pre-order on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and your local bookseller. Still 28 days until it ships, but the discount is being gradually reduced as we get closer to publication, so if you know you're buying it, you can save money by pre-ordering. And the more pre-orders, the more bookstores carry the book -- so the more families see it and can benefit from it. Thank you!

Buy from Amazon.
Buy from Barnes and Noble.
Buy from an Independent Bookseller near you.

Dangerous Emotions

Fri, 26 Oct 2012 17:43:00 GMT

"Today I will let myself feel what I am feeling and let my children feel what they are feeling....I'll pay attention to what each of us is feeling and give those feelings some respect and space. There's nothing so bad about them; they are only feelings and need not threaten me." -- Tian Dayton

Are your feelings dangerous? Never. But most of us are afraid of our strong feelings. And we're afraid of our children's emotions. Why?

Because the power of our emotions can be overwhelming. We all know what it feels like to want to hit someone. And so often when we act on our feelings we do things we're sorry for later, whether that's smacking our child, screaming something hurtful at our spouse, or throwing a "tantrum" at the office.

But it isn't the feelings that are dangerous. What's dangerous is believing the thoughts that go along with them, and acting on those thoughts.

When we leap into immediate action based on our feelings, we're often sorry. In fact, most of the time when we're upset, the action we take is designed only to alleviate our upsetting feelings. It's often exactly the wrong thing to do to change what's causing the upset. At the moment, though, we can't tolerate our feelings, so we lash out. Then, we justify our action, blaming the other person for "making" us feel that way.

So, should we repress our emotions? You may have noticed that doesn't work. The feelings are real, whether we feel disrespected by our child, betrayed by our spouse, or taken for granted by our boss. The other person doesn't "cause" the feelings of course; they're ours, and they're triggered by our own interpretations. But the feelings are a real event in our bodies, complete with fight or flight hormones. When we stuff our feelings down rather than acknowledging them, we carry them around like a boiling pot. We make ourselves sick and tired. Our feelings often burst out unbidden and we find ourselves out of control. (You may know this as the Mommy Tantrum.)

Luckily, there is a solution, and it's the key to healthy emotional self management. Here's the short version: Honor your feelings by acknowledging them, but don't act on them while you're feeling them.

How?

Allow all feelings, yours and your child's. Notice them. Accept them. Acknowledge them as just part of being human.
Limit the actions suggested by strong feelings. Just because your kid is allowed to be jealous of the baby doesn't mean he can hit her. Just because you're allowed to be be fed up with your two year old doesn't mean you scream at her.
Notice that feelings come and go. The fact that you're feeling something doesn't mean you'll be feeling it tomorrow. Don't get attached. You are not your feelings.
Don't take feelings personally. Just because your child is expressing anger at you doesn't mean her anger has anything to do with you. Just because you're mad at your spouse doesn't mean your spouse is wrong. Nobody has to be wrong.
Notice how you defend against vulnerable emotions. When we're sad, hurt, or disappointed, we often find it so hard to tolerate those feelings that we get angry. We smack our kid, or blame our spouse, or attack our colleague. Anger is a defense, a secondary emotion. Get in touch with the fear or sadness under it, and the anger melts away.
Resist the urge to act on your feelings. Yelling at your child is never a good solution, because your child gets defensive and less cooperative. (When your child feels worse, he acts worse.) If divorcing your spouse or quitting your job is a good solution, it will still look good next week when you're calm.
Notice that while the feelings are real, the conclusions we draw from them in the heat of the moment are almost never true: My spouse doesn't love me. My boss will never reward my hard work. My child will be a criminal.
Notice that when you just sit with your emotions, breathing, tolerating them, letting them sweep through you, they dissipate. You're more free.
Instead of acting on your feelings, use them as information to draw conclusions once you're calm again. Maybe the solution isn't to sell your child into slavery but to start earlier on the bedtime routine or to begin getting more sleep yourself.
Remember that the emotional hijacking of the "fight, flight or freeze" response is never a good time to work through a difficult issue. When things heat up, always start by helping everyone calm down. Then, explore how to avoid a repeat scenario.

You're the role model for your child on how to regulate emotions. Your example is what teaches your child that emotions are just part of being human, and can be managed. Listen to them, but don't give them more power than they deserve. They're only feelings, after all.

Want more support in working with emotions -- yours and your child's? Emotions are at the core of parenting, and of my new book: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. It's now available for pre-order on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and your local bookseller. Still 33 days until it ships, but the discount is being gradually reduced as we get closer to publication, so if you know you're buying it, you can save money by pre-ordering. And the more pre-orders, the more bookstores carry the book -- so the more families see it and can benefit from it. Thank you!

Buy from Amazon.
Buy from Barnes and Noble.
Buy from an Independent Bookseller near you.

Empathic Limits In Action: Leaving the Playground

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 19:59:00 GMT

“I can't believe you're telling parents not to discipline! I'm so tired of parents who can't say No to their child and let them rule the roost. No wonder kids today don't have any self-discipline."

Yesterday, we talked about Daring Not To Discipline. (And yes, I'm using discipline as the dictionary defines it: punishment.)

Like the above commenter, most parents assume that not punishing means permissive parenting. This is a new idea for most people, which is why it's the lengthiest chapter in my new book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. But resisting the urge to punish doesn't mean we don't set limits! In fact, neither permissive parenting nor authoritarian parenting work to raise self-disciplined kids. The research on this is very clear: the kids who develop self-discipline, resilience, and emotional intelligence are raised with empathic limits.

So yes, LIMITS are an essential part of raising great kids. But not just any limits. EMPATHIC limits. That's because children develop self-discipline more readily when they feel more connected to us. Empathic limits means we:

Set limits in a way that empathizes with our child's feelings and helps him to process them.
Stay connected while we set limits.
Resist the urge to make our child suffer or feel bad while we set limits.

Here's an example of how to do this.

Mommy: “Avery, you must be getting hungry. Its time to walk home and make some yummy peanut butter sandwiches for lunch. Would you like to walk or ride in the stroller?”

Avery: “No Mommy, I’m sitting on the swing.”

Mommy: [verbally empathize with her and acknowledge how she must be feeling] “You're having so much fun on the swing. You wish you could stay and swing for a long time. [Setting the limit] AND we need to fill our hungry bellies with a yummy lunch! So we need to go home now. Let’s race to the stroller!”

Avery: “No Mommy, I sit here on the swing.”

Now, we all know this can go on and on and on. The two and a half year old will get hungrier, and the mom will get more frustrated. So far, Mom has done an amazing job of empathizing. She stated a limit. The child did not cooperate happily with the limit. Since Mom is clear that her limit is non-negotiable, it's time to show that to her daughter.

Mommy: “Avery, you wish you could stay in the swing, all day, don't you?" [Wish fulfillment]

Avery: YES!

Mommy: "I wish you could, too. That would be so much fun, wouldn't it? (Finding a point of agreement.) But now it's lunchtime and we have to go home. You have a choice, you can jump down and walk with me, or I will pick you up and you can ride in the stroller." [Mom gives a choice, either of which is palatable to her. This helps Avery save face and gives her some control.]

If Avery doesn’t select one of these choices:

Mommy: “Ok, Sweetie, I see it's too hard for you to leave the swing yourself. I will help you down and into the stroller."

Notice Mom doesn't make Avery feel like a bad person because she couldn't "obey." Mom acknowledges that it was just too hard for her.

Let's assume Avery howls as Mom picks her up. Most parenting advice says to wrestle her into the stroller and ignore her crying, so we don't "reward" her crying with attention. But that breaks our connection with our child. What's worse, we give her the message that her emotions are bad, and we will only attend to her if we like what she is expressing -- in other words, that our love is conditional. She's all alone with those big scary feelings.

So should we try to distract our child from her upset? “Wow, Avery, look at that cute doggie right there!” If she's not very upset, there's no major harm in it. But the bigger the feeling, the less likely she'll go for the distraction. And really, what message does distraction give her? In general, we want to listen to our child, not imply that her emotions are too scary for us to deal with.

Instead, we use Empathic Limits. That means we go ahead and insist on a limit that is non-negotiable to us -- after all, the two year old should not be making all the decisions for the family. But we offer empathy for our child's upset in response to our limit.

Avery: [Begins to howl as we pick her up from the swing.]

Mommy: “You are crying. You don't want to leave the swing. You are so sad and mad that we have to leave. I'm sorry you can't swing all day, but it is lunchtime. I will sit with you on this bench and hold you while you cry."

Despite the fact that the other parents at the playground are staring at us, we are not failures because our daughter is crying. In fact, crying is good, and helpful, for a two year old with big feelings. She needs to express them and show them to us, not to "stuff them."

As she cries, if we can hold her and help her to feel safe (instead of strapping her into the stroller and pushing her home, sobbing), she may even begin to cry about other things -- her new baby brother, or the way Daddy snapped at her when he was in a rush, or that big dog that barked at her this morning, or how much her knee hurt when she fell yesterday but she didn't cry because she was with Grandma who told her what a brave big girl she was and big girls don't cry. What a great opportunity to get all this off her chest! In fact, often kids "pick fights" by resisting our limits, exactly as Avery did with the swing, precisely to get the opportunity to cry like this. So holding our child while she cries is a tremendous gift.

As she cries, we stay connected by holding her. We keep the tears coming -- yes, on purpose! -- by empathizing and reassuring her that she is safe: "You are sad, you are crying, I am right here, you are safe."

If she is angry and twists away, we stay nearby and stay connected with our voice: "I'm right here. I won't leave you alone with those big feelings." We breathe deeply to stay calm. We ignore the curious looks from passersby.

Finally, she begins to calm. She is snuggled in our arms. We give her a big hug. "You were crying. You were sad. Now you feel better. Let's go home and get those yummy sandwiches. Do you want a drink of water before you get in the stroller?"

After a good cry in your loving presence, your child will be free of whatever feelings were making her stick to her position at the expense of getting along with you. She will feel relaxed and cooperative. (When kids are rigid and insist on getting their way, that's a red flag that they need to cry. Just like with adults! :-))

The first time you do this, your child may cry for a long time. That is never a bad thing; she's venting pent-up emotion. Or she may think that her crying will convince you to let her swing more. Obviously, empathizing with her feelings doesn't mean you rescind a limit that is important to you.

But before long, your child will climb reluctantly from the swing and into her stroller when you say it's time for lunch. She will have learned from experience that your limits are firm, even if she can't understand why they're important. Because of your empathy, she will ALSO have learned:

Disappointment can be weathered. That's the beginning of resilience.
You really do care about her happiness. That keeps her seeking guidance from you.
Feelings are manageable. That's the beginning of emotional regulation.

Finally, you will find that she is more accepting of your limits. That's because kids who test limits repeatedly are usually showing us they don't feel safe. Children may love the idea of being all-powerful, but it also terrifies them. They need to know that we as parents will be in charge and keep them safe. Once they're convinced of that, they no longer need to constantly test the limits to find out where our boundaries are.

*****

If you like these newsletters, you'll love my new book: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. It's now available for pre-order on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and your local bookseller. Still 34 days until it ships, but if you pre-order now you get the book at a big discount! (This discount is gradually being reduced.)

Could You Dare NOT To Discipline?

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 04:00:00 GMT

Want to join me in a survey? Let's ask 10,000 people whether children need discipline. I'm willing to bet that in any random sample, 9999 of our respondents will say "Yes, of course!"

But discipline is a murky word, so maybe we should define our terms. From the Merriam-Webster Dictionary:

Discipline:
1. Punishment
2. Instruction (obsolete)
3. Field of study
4. Training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character
5. Control gained by enforcing obedience or order

So, the word Discipline originally meant Instruction or Guidance and derives from the same Latin root as the word Disciple. Nowadays, however, that meaning is considered obsolete, and the word has come to mean Punishment.

Now, some folks might argue that children don't even need instruction or guidance, since most learning comes from observation and practice, not from formal teaching. But for the purposes of this discussion, let's stipulate that kids do need guidance, even if that comes from our modeling and discussion. Otherwise, how will they know red from blue and right from wrong?

But do children need punishment? No. In fact, studies show that punishment creates more bad behavior. Not just that children who behave badly get punished more, but that children who get punished more will behave badly more often over time. Alfie Kohn's wonderful book Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason cites numerous studies that substantiate this.

Just in case you're thinking that Punishment is also a murky word, the dictionary defines it as an "action with an intent to hurt", either physically or psychologically, in order to teach a lesson. So punishment is effective only to the degree that the child experiences it as painful. There is no such thing as "loving discipline" because the child will never experience punishment as loving.

Are you thinking "But kids need punishment to learn!"? Actually, if the child doesn't know the expected behavior, then the child needs teaching to learn.

What if the child DOES know what's expected and still doesn't do it? Then something is getting in her way. Either she doesn't WANT to follow her parents, or she can't manage her feelings and thus can't manage her behavior. The first is a relationship problem; the answer is to strengthen the parent-child connection. The second is a red flag that the child needs help to process her emotions so she can better regulate them. In either case, punishment won't teach the necessary lesson.

In fact, punishment teaches all the wrong lessons:

Punishment sabotages kids' moral development, because it teaches them to focus on whether they’ll get caught and punished, rather than on the impact of their actions.
Punishment makes the child angry that we’re intentionally hurting her, so she resists seeing herself as responsible, even in her own mind.
Punishment encourages children to lie.
Punishment doesn't help kids with the emotions that led to their "acting out" behavior, so it doesn't prevent the same behavior in the future.
Because children respond to punishment by developing anger toward their parents, they lose their desire to "behave" and become defiant.

If you're still with me, you're probably thinking "But children need limits!" I agree. But limits does not mean discipline, as in "something unpleasant to teach a lesson." Limits are actually more effective in developing your child's self-discipline when they're set with empathy. To change our thinking, we need to change our words, so let’s just move beyond “discipline.” Instead, let’s guide our children with empathic limits.

So how do you set limits with empathy? How do you transition from punishment to loving guidance? Do timeouts count as punishment? What about consequences? This is a big topic, which is why it's the longest chapter in my new book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. The book gives you the details and hands-on strategies. But over the next few weeks, these emails will give you a little preview of what's in the book, and we'll take a look at these questions.

In the meantime, how would you answer our survey? If you knew it would raise a happier, more self-disciplined child, could you dare not to discipline?

When Your Toddler Grabs from the Baby

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 04:00:00 GMT

“Our 26 month old is overall really excellent with the three month old. But now the baby is starting to play with toys, and the toddler always grabs them away from him. The baby is still too small to care that the toy gets taken...for now. Until now, we've handled sharing toys as you suggest--we don't force it, we talk about taking turns, asking the other child if they're done, etc. I'm a little less sure how to apply this logic when there is an age discrepancy. We can't ask the baby if he's done. I feel quite certain that I don't want to force my toddler to share, but sometimes I find myself saying, "Your brother is using that!" because it seems like he shouldn't just be able to take every toy the baby plays with.“

There's a reason "taking candy from a baby" has come to symbolize an easy but immoral abuse of power. You're right to feel uncomfortable with your toddler's compulsive grabbing from the baby; it's not good for the baby -- and it's not good for your toddler.

That's because his behavior isn't actually about the toy he's grabbing. Compulsive behavior of any kind signals a deeper unmet need or feeling we can't verbally express. In other words, if your child "always" grabs whatever the baby is holding, then he has some big feelings that are driving him to compulsively take from his sibling. The most likely hypothesis is that those feelings have to do with guarding his place in the family, and with some worry about sharing his parents. I've never heard of an older sibling who didn't find it hard to share his parents. The best way to help your child process those big feelings is with a "scheduled meltdown."

Is grabbing toys always about sibling rivalry? No. A 26 month old is just developing social skills, and this could even be seen as a clumsy attempt to "relate" to his brother. So in cases where the toy grabbing is sporadic, I don't think adults need to intervene. Children aren't always unhappy about the toy being taken from them, and they learn a lot from the interaction, whether they're the grabber or grabbee. But in this case, the grabbing sounds constant, and I think both kids will benefit from adult support.

So whether this is sibling rivalry or simple toy envy, it's a terrific opportunity to teach your son some social skills AND help him process his feelings, while you let your baby know you're there if he needs you. Here's how.

1. Sportscast, or "say what you see." "I see Baby shaking his rattle so hard and laughing...Big brother is curious....Big brother wants to try the rattle, too.....Big brother takes the rattle...Baby looks surprised...Now brother shakes the rattle...shake shake shake...Baby laughs and laughs....Big brother laughs too...Now Baby has the giraffe...He's trying to put it in his mouth...Now Big brother wants the giraffe....Big brother takes the giraffe....Baby looks surprised."

Why sportscast? Because your 26 month old isn't actually aware of what he's doing and what effect it has on his brother. He's just feeling an impulse and following it. Your words help him develop self-awareness. And while your three month old isn't quite sure yet what you're saying, he knows you're acknowledging him, which matters. Sportscasting is an invaluable teaching tool to help kids understand social dynamics. And if you can do it with empathy and as little judgment as possible, it helps both children feel heard, which diffuses upset feelings. Some version of it works from babyhood right through the teen years.

2. Empathize, and ask questions to build empathy. "That rattle sounds pretty great, doesn't it? You want to shake it, too....Your brother looked surprised when you took the rattle...I wonder if he was done with his turn?....What do you think he would say if we asked him?"

3. Don't force children to share. I appreciate your certainty that you don't want to force your toddler to share; it actually delays the development of sharing skills! Kids need to feel secure in their ownership before they can share. Instead, as you've apparently done, I suggest families introduce the concept of taking turns. (“Baby has the rattle...Then it will be your turn.")

4. Let the child in possession of the toy decide how long his turn lasts. If kids think adults will snatch a toy away once the adult's random idea of "long enough" has passed, you're modeling grabbing, and the child usually becomes more possessive. If, by contrast, the child is free to use the toy for as long as he wants, he can fully enjoy it and then give it up with an open heart.

But how do you know whether the baby is done with his turn? Teach your son to ask. "You want the rattle? I wonder if your brother is done with it? Why don't you bring him a different toy, to see if he's ready to swap." Now, most of the time, the baby will happily switch toys. He'll probably think it's a game. That's fine. Your son is still learning reciprocity, and to respect his brother's turn. But of course as the baby gets older, this won't always work. And the groundwork will have been laid for your son to respect the other person's choice.

5. Help your son wait for his turn. Since you're a parent, you've already noticed the hard part about letting the toy-holder decide when his turn is up-- the other child has to wait! Naturally, kids find that excruciating. But a rigid attachment to a specific toy isn't really about the child's need for that toy. It's about his desperate attempt to regulate all those feelings spilling out of his emotional backpack. He thinks that if he can just have that one toy, things will be ok. (You probably know adults like that. :-)) But of course, as soon as he gets that one thing, the baby will pick up a new toy, and the older child will desperately need that new toy to feel okay.

So the way to "cure" your son's compulsive grabbing is to give him a chance to actually face all those uncomfortable feelings. When we (humans) experience our emotions without acting on them, the emotions dissipate. Little children, especially, often have emotional backpacks overflowing with upsets they haven't felt up to facing. It's your loving, compassionate presence that makes him feel safe enough for that deep dive. But the amazing thing is, after "showing" you those pent-up emotions, he probably won't even care about the toy he was waiting for, and you'll see his grabbing diminish.

So after you've spent a few days sportscasting, empathizing, and introducing the idea that the person who has the toy decides how long their turn will last, you can begin intervening. When your son starts to grab from the baby, put your hand on the toy to stop him. Say "I see you want that....It's the baby's turn....Your turn will be next...Can you find another toy to play with right now?" If he happily finds another toy, terrific! If not, he will either get angry, or begin to cry. Those are feelings that need to come out. Hold him (if he'll let you), tell him he's safe and you're right there. Your goal is to create safety with your empathy: Acknowledge how much he wants that toy, and how hard it is to wait for his turn. Don't worry if he cries harder at that -- we all feel safer to "let it all out" when we feel understood.

What can you expect after this "scheduled meltdown"?

Much less grabbing.
A happier, more flexible, more cooperative child.
A child who's more comfortable with his emotions, and thus more able to regulate them.
A closer relationship with your son.
A happier baby who is free to explore items without having them snatched away.
Two children with growing self-awareness and social skills.
A positive foundation for your children's relationship with each other.

You might even find yourself wanting to schedule more meltdowns!

P.S. For more on helping your child with feelings so he can learn to manage his emotions, and therefore his behavior, please check out my new book: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. It's now available for pre-order on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and at your local bookstore. Still 39 days until it ships, but if you pre-order now you get the book for 30% off, and it's in your hands the same day it's in the stores!

Coaching Big Sibs: When the Younger Child is Aggressive

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 04:00:00 GMT

“How should I tell my 5 year old son to react when his 19 month old brother hits him or acts aggressively towards him? I've read the articles on how to deal with it as a parent and we are working on it, but I'm not in the room with them every time they're playing together. I want to give my 5 year old the proper tools to deal with his little brother, too."

Mostly, children learn from our modeling. So if you respond with calm empathy to your upset little one, your older child will learn to do that as well. Of course, he won't always be able to stay calm, particularly if he's worried about his little brother knocking down his tower, taking his truck, or ruining his game. And if the little one actually hurts him, you can't really expect him to master his fight or flight response.

Hopefully, though, if you've coached him and if his sibling rivalry is in check, your older child's response will be measured. Meaning, he'll resist clobbering the 19 month old, but might take his toy and leave the room. That's not so different from a puppy ending the game when his sibling gets too aggressive, and it's not a bad natural consequence for the younger sibling to encounter. (No, I'm not recommending that parents leave the room when a 19 month old is aggressive, because it triggers the child's abandonment panic. Siblings play a different role in the little one's life.)

So how do you coach your older child?

1. Model. To the 19 month old: "Ouch, that hurts! I'm going to move back from those hitty hands.....You must be mad! Can you tell me with words what you want? Oh, you want to use the red car? Okay, here you go. I can use the blue car. See, you don't have to hit. You can just show me what you want."

2. Teach. "Your little brother hits because he gets so worried about getting what he wants. He's still very little, and when he gets upset, it's hard for him to use his words. If he knows you'll try to help him, then he won't need to hit so much. So if you can tell him you understand, he won't won't have to hit when he starts getting upset."

3. Empathize, Acknowledge, and Problem-Solve. "It's hard when your brother hits, I know....I appreciate your trying to be patient with him.....and I see he gets fixated on using the red car. You probably get tired of using the blue car, right? Thanks for being so flexible. It it starts really bothering you, let me know. Maybe we need a second red car, so everyone gets one."

4. Set limits. "Your brother's brain is still growing, so when he gets mad he can't always stop himself from lashing out. But he's learning. And the way we teach him is, we control our own upsets, and we never hit. It is never okay to hit a younger child, no matter what. Just move away so he can't hurt you, and yell for me: 'Mom, we need you!'"

5. Protect. Be sure that your older child has a space to work on projects that the younger one can't reach. He may well enjoy playing with his little brother, but he shouldn't be expected to entertain the younger one when he's focusing on his own "work." Set up a table for him so they can stay in the same room while the older one draws, builds, or does puzzles. Or move some of the little one's toys into the kitchen so your older child gets a break from having to play "mature big brother." There's nothing wrong with him playing with his little brother, but his main job is to grow and master his own developmental hurdles, not to provide childcare. If that need's not met, you can't expect him to be patient with his brother.

6. Make sure your son knows he always has back up. Tell him "Sometimes you can tell when your little brother is cranky and going to get aggressive, right? Usually, that means he just needs to cry. So please just call me at those times, and I'll take over and help him with his feelings." Giving your older child tools is terrific, but even adults have a tough time with an aggressive toddler. You can't expect him to handle his brother's big feelings without you.

Did you notice that none of this will work if the older child is in the grip of sibling rivalry? Older sibs need one on one time with parents where they feel seen and valued for who they are. They need to be reassured of their special role in the family, that the younger child looks up to them (as younger kids always do.) And they need to know that they're still the apple of your eye, that you could never love anyone else more -- no matter who's on your lap at the moment.

Tomorrow: What about when the toddler takes toys from the baby?

P.S. For more on handling toddler aggression and raising an emotionally intelligent child, please check out my new book: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. It's now available for pre-order on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and at your local bookstore. Still 40 days until it ships, but if you pre-order now you get the book for 30% off, and it's in your hands the same day it's in the stores!

What If Your Child Crosses the Line?

Thu, 11 Oct 2012 16:40:00 GMT

"I don't understand why you say not to punish transgressions. I get the concept of the bigger the transgression, the greater the child's need is, but what if they really cross a line? Yesterday my 3-yr-old threw a book because he got mad. It hit my husband in the eye & cut his skin--yikes! I removed him from the room, told him that was not allowed ever & put him in a thinking spot. Yes? No?"

Yikes, indeed! Thank goodness your husband is ok. Most 3 year olds try throwing things. As upset as you were, I'm sure your son was more upset than anyone else.

The problem with removing a child to a thinking spot and leaving him alone there is that it doesn't help him with the feelings that drove him to throw the book to begin with. Under aggression you will almost always find fear. Every small person has fears we can't even imagine. A 3 year old who is grappling with fear may well get enraged about something, and might well throw whatever is at hand. That's normal behavior, although of course it can be dangerous, as your son just learned, and of course we tell him that throwing things at people is not allowed, ever, just as you did. But your son knows by now (and certainly after hurting his dad) that throwing hurts. What he needs is help from you to manage the feelings that drive him to throw, even when he knows the behavior is off-limits and hurtful.

I'm wondering what happened inside your son once he was in the thinking spot. If I were him I would have felt very afraid for my father, worried that I was a terrible person who was capable of horrific harm, unable to control myself, so bad I had to be removed and could not even make up with my Dad. I would see myself as so powerful that I could bloody my invincible father, which would be a terrifying idea. That shame and fear would be so much that I might well push it away (as we all do with those uncomfortable feelings) by going numb and looking like I didn't care. Or by getting angry. I might well sit there justifying what I had done, telling myself why I was right.

That's what any normal kid does in timeout. They don't sit there determining to become a better person, and even if they do, the result is to stuff the feelings that led them to lash out to begin with. (Here's a whole article about Timeouts.) And now there is an extra overlay of shame and fear. Next time, he might find himself even more overwhelmed by these feelings. OR, he may manage them in relation to his dad, but may begin to act out in other ways, like hitting his brother, peeing all over the house or having nightmares.

What if, instead, you immediately tended to the person who's hurt, which gives the clear message to your child that this hurt is a big deal. You even let him help. Hopefully, the focus on his father would be enough to shift him out of his big feelings and into concern for his Dad. "Oh, my! Your dad is hurt. Sweetie, go get a washcloth and let's help your dad." You're inviting him in, so that he's part of the solution. He may have done a monstrous thing, but you're communicating to him that he isn't a monster.

Your connection is his motivation to face that he did something that crossed a line. After all, if you withdraw your love, why should he do the hard work of taking responsibility? (And yes, I know you still love him under your fury, but he doesn't.) When you feel defensive, isn't it harder to admit your mistakes? Your child is no different.

Are you forgiving him too easily? No. He can't simultaneously feel like a bad person and act like a good person. He acted in a way that was clearly out of the bounds of loving family relationships. Rather than shunning him, which fortifies his position as the bad kid, you step out to get him and bring him back into the embrace of the family. Without that reconnection, you can't reach him, and any "discipline" will only teach him that he's bad.

But you don't just ignore what he's done. You help him reflect on what happened so it doesn't happen again. Once your husband is okay, you take a deep breath so you aren't acting out of anger. You remind yourself that you're helping your son with his feelings, not punishing him, because that's what will best prevent this from happening again. You gather your son to you, very seriously and kindly, look him in the eye, and say: "Books are not for throwing. That really hurt Daddy, didn't it?" Your son will most likely burst into tears, which releases all the turmoil going on. You say "You were mad, so you threw the book, but that really hurt Daddy. That was scary. Daddy will be okay, but that's why we don't throw things at people." You let him cry in your arms.

After he's calm, you ask him what he could do to make Daddy feel better. You give him a chance to redeem himself, to become a good person in his own mind, the kind of person who is able to control his anger so he doesn't hurt other people. This transformation would be unlikely if he were removed to the thinking spot, because he would sit there isolated like a criminal, hardening his heart. But he has been in the middle of the emergency, as one of the helpers, so his heart is open. He feels your kindness, and also your firmness. He feels safe to show you all the fear behind his anger. Once he expresses all those feelings, they evaporate, and stop driving his behavior.

What has your son learned?

Throwing things can badly hurt someone.
I WANT to control myself better next time so this never happens again.
Feelings don't have to be an emergency if you don't act on them.
Mom and Dad understand my big feelings and can help me with them. When I trust them to help me, I feel so much better.
I am capable of hurting someone badly, and I never want to do that.
I am capable of making things better, of repairing rifts, of making things right when I make a mistake.

Maybe most important, instead of feeling like he has crossed a line that leaves him disconnected, beyond the love of his parents, he has learned that he is loved unconditionally. His parents didn't give up on him. They know that at core he is good, and wants to "do right," and they never stopped believing in him. That belief will strengthen his belief in his own goodness, and help him grow into your trust. Because the healing miracle of unconditional love is that there is no line. There is only love.

What if you set a limit and your child ignores it?

Wed, 10 Oct 2012 20:32:00 GMT

“I took your pledge of Yellibacy, but when I try to set limits my children just ignore me -- so I end up yelling." - Chris

Yesterday, we talked about why empathic limits are the secret to Raising a Self-Disciplined Child. But sometimes it's not so easy to set an empathic limit. What if you state an expectation and your child ignores it? It's hard to stay empathic then. This is where most of us start yelling, or casting about for some threat to get our child to do what we want. Luckily, there's a better way.

1. Be sure your limit is reasonable. Sometimes when we listen to our child, we learn something important that helps us re-evaluate our limit. Maybe your child is ready to walk across the street without holding your hand? Or maybe she's ready to hold onto your bag instead of holding your hand, so she feels a bit more autonomous?

2. If your limit is essential to you, insist on it. If you let your child put off homework today, naturally he'll want to do the same tomorrow. Permissiveness, meaning backing off your limit, doesn't serve your child. It's their job to test the limits; how else will they know where they really are? If you say Maybe, naturally he'll keep pushing. If you're clear about your limit, your child has the freedom to rail against the limit, to cry and grieve about it, and finally to accept it and move on to a better solution for everyone.

3. Connect. Don't try to give instructions or requests from across the room. You need to move in close and connect with your child. Touch her arm, make a comment on what she's doing, then set your limit. "That looks like fun! But I'm afraid something could break when you throw that in the house."

4. Say it once. If you keep repeating yourself, you're training your child to ignore you until you raise your voice! If your child doesn't respond to your first request, you haven't connected and gotten his attention. Go back to Step 3 and look him in the eye. (Remember, kids WANT to connect with parents who are wamly reaching out. If you're on the warpath, any child in his right mind will resist your attempt to connect.)

5. Don't give up and don't give in. If you're serious about this limit, then act like it. (If you aren't, then state that you see how much this means to your child and you're willing to be flexible for another ten minutes, or whatever.) But if you think it's an important limit and you give in ("Ok, I guess you can keep playing that game, but don't come crying to me when someone gets hurt! "), you're training your child to ignore your requests. That will just make your next limit harder to set. Instead, keep your sense of humor and get in your child's face in a friendly way to show you aren't going to change your expectation: "Whoa, Buddy! Didn't you hear me? I said this is too dangerous a game to play in the house!"

6. Empathize. Acknowledge her perspective: "You wish you could stay up later." Your child may well cry and rage. She has to do what you ask, but she's allowed to have her feelings about it. Your goal is to stay firm about your limit while empathizing with the feelings. Sometimes kids know we're right, but they still need us to understand their big feelings about the issue.

7. Manage your own emotions so you can stay calm and kind. Resist the temptation to be punitive in any way. Kindly, calmly, insisting on the limit teaches the lesson. Anything more backfires. If you insist angrily, naturally your child will resist. Kids accept, and even adopt, our expectations when we regulate our own emotions and support our child as he struggles to manage his. Find a way to support him so he can work with you: "You're so disappointed that we have to go home now. It wasn't enough for you that I gave you a ten minute warning; it's still hard to leave. Let's find a way to make it a little easier. Do you want to skip putting on your shoes, and we'll just bring them in the car?"

Is there ever a transgression that deserves punishment? No. The bigger the transgression, the bigger the disconnection your child is feeling, and the more help he needs from you to resolve what's eating at him inside. However, there might well be a need for repair of a relationship or replacement of something damaged. Helping your child find that solution empowers him, but only once he's calm and can choose it himself.

8. Maintain a strong emotional bond and make sure your child knows you're on her side. If she experiences you as sabotaging her happiness by creating frustrations, or arbitrary or unfair limits, she won’t accept your attempts to empathize. But if your child experiences you as looking out for her best interests, and--when you can--her happiness, she'll accept your empathy, which will help her accept your limit, and internalize it as her own limit.

Now you have a child who regulates his own emotions, because you regulate yours. He takes your expectations seriously, because you do. He feels connected to you, even while you're guiding his behavior, so he WANTS to cooperate. And of course he listens when you set limits -- so you can keep your pledge of Yellibacy!

The Secret of Raising a Self-Disciplined Child

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 04:00:00 GMT

"Together with intelligence, self-control turns out to be the best predictor of a successful and satisfying life." - Steven Pinker

"You frequently mention "setting limits" and I am wondering if you can elaborate. I feel like I am not good at setting limits and my children probably feel like I am unpredictable with what I allow and what sets me off." -- Aurora

What does self-control have to do with setting limits? Well, we can define "self-discipline" as controlling our impulses to give up something we want, in pursuit of something we want more. And children develop self-discipline from the limits we set, as long as we set them with empathy.

Here's how it works. Every time your child chooses to shift gears from what she wants to do, and practices regulating her impulses to make a better choice, she's building self-discipline muscle. (Or, actually, neural pathways. But like muscle, these neural pathways get stronger with use, so you can think of it as building a stronger brain that's capable of harder work.)

So yes, that's why kids need limits. Permissive parenting doesn't help kids develop self-discipline because it doesn't ask them to exercise self control in pursuit of a larger goal.

There is a catch, though. The limits have to be empathic. Punitive limits--including "consequences"-- don't help kids learn to self-regulate, because the motivation comes from outside. The child isn't choosing to rein in his own impulse. So even if he does what you want, he's not actually "practicing" self discipline.

What do I mean? Think about your son practicing his jump shot over and over. He may want to sit down and rest, but there's something he wants more --a basket! Being motivated toward a goal is a great way for kids to develop self-discipline. But kids also learn self discipline from the daily limits you set, as long as you set them with empathy.

Why is empathy essential to this process? Because your child is less likely to struggle against the limit. She may not like your limit, but she feels your understanding and compassion. She knows you're on her side. So she chooses to stop fighting for what she wants, so she can have something she wants more -- to stay lovingly connected to you. She chooses to regulate her own impulses. She accepts your limit, and even internalizes it -- makes it her own.

That's how your child internalizes your rules and values. It begins with the connection--he WANTS to please you, as long as he doesn't have to give up his own integrity to do it. Over time, he begins to think of himself as the kind of person who brushes his teeth, does his homework, tells the truth, and lends a helping hand. The kind of person who can apply himself with discipline to achieve his goals. That makes for a confident, happy, cooperative child.

Since your warm connection with your child is the reason he eventually accepts and internalizes your limits, it's critical to stay connected while you set limits. And guess how you maintain that connection? Empathy!

So empathic limits are how your child develops self-discipline. Empathy is "feeling" the other person's point of view. Setting limits is informing your child of a rule or expectation. Here's how you combine them:

"You love running, don't you?! You can run all you want in the grass. Streets are not for running; streets are for cars. You may hold my hand or I can carry you. You can run by yourself again on the other side of the street."

"I see you're so mad at your brother. You can be as mad as you want, but people are not for hitting. Come, let's tell your brother how mad you are. I'll help you."

"Wow, Sara put up those photos from Saturday on Facebook? That's exciting. And the rule in our house is still that homework comes first. You can Facebook once your homework is finished. I know, it's hard to wait! But it's something to look forward to."

If a limit is worth setting, it's worth being consistent about. There may be times when a new limit is necessary: "I have a headache and I can't handle noise right now" but in general your child shouldn't be surprised by what you allow. Every household has different priorities; mine are Safety & Health, Respectful Relationships, and Values (including academic responsibilities.) Neatness and noise, not so much.

Why do you have to prioritize and give up some of what you expect? Because your child is a human, and a developing one at that. She can't possibly be perfect. And your relationship with her needs to be more about connection and discovery than about limits and frustration. Saying No too often undermines your relationship. And therefore your child's self-discipline.

Tomorrow: "But what if I set a limit and my child ignores it?"

I talk about helping your child develop self discipline in much more depth in my new book: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. It's now available for pre-order. Only 48 days until it ships! And if you pre-order now at either Barnes and Noble or Amazon, you get the book for 30% off.

11 Ways Your Child Loses When You Rush Him Through Life

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 20:08:00 GMT

“Why do you want your child to hurry up? Because you're done and figure he’s had long enough to finish? Because you have something else to do? If so, can that wait so that you can give your child the time he needs? Because you've promised to be somewhere? ... If you are constantly rushing from one place to the next (doctor’s appointment, haircut, playgroup, music lessons) have you taken on too much? Should you plan more downtime in your schedule so you have more time to be patient? More time for play and cuddles?” - phdinparenting

Now that kids are back in school and activities, are you noticing that life is too busy? Most of us take it for granted that we're always rushing from one thing to the next. That we have a never-ending to-do list that keeps us from catching our breath, never mind catching a sunset together.

But it costs us. And it costs our kids even more. Our society is so hooked on adrenalin that we don't acknowledge the high price our children pay for our lifestyle. Rushing our children through life:

1. Influences the developing brain. Your child's brain is being built every day, and the shape it takes depends on his daily experience. Some neurologists hypothesize that reinforcing neural pathways in a daily context of stressful hyper-stimulation creates a brain with a life-long tendency to anxiety and hyper-vigilance.

2. Increases the levels of stress hormones in kids' bodies, which contributes to crankiness, difficulty falling asleep, weight gain, and immune suppression.

3. Constantly interrupts their developmental work of exploring the world, so they lose their curiosity.

4. Overstimulates them so they can't process everything coming at them, which undermines learning.

5. Habituates them to busyness, so they become easily bored, craving electronic stimulation.

6. Overrides their natural inclination to "do it myself," sabotaging the development of competence.

7. Creates a chronic feeling of incompleteness, which steals the joy of mastery.

8. Makes them feel pushed and controlled, which triggers power struggles. Studies show this feeling--in adults who work at jobs where they're at someone else's beck and call--sends stress hormones sky-rocketing.

9. Keeps children from attending to their emotions throughout the day, so in the evening they have a full backpack of feelings pressing for escape. That triggers meltdowns and can eventually lead to addictions like food, media consumption and shopping, which distract us from our emotional baggage.

10. Keeps them from discovering and pursuing their own passions, which is necessarily a slow, organic process of experimentation and dabbling.

11. Forces them out of the groundedness of the present moment, into the breathlessness of scrambling to keep up, which undermines their authenticity and connection to deeper meaning.

Not to mention, rushing makes us less patient and less nurturing with our children, so it's impossible to parent well. A mom wrote me the other day that after she got into a fight with her daughter, she realized she had been “too distracted, too busy, to slow down and just be kind.”

This week, notice how often you rush yourself and your child. Notice the price you both pay.

What can you change to slow life down?
How can you build more time into transitions so you aren't always rushing?
What small daily rituals can your family use so that everyone has a chance to connect to deeper meaning, rather than just hustling through each day? (Think deep breaths, gratitude practices, moments of quiet cuddling.)

And maybe even stopping to watch the sunset.

Rewire Your Brain for Love

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:52:00 GMT

“Whatever they grow up to be, they are still our children, and the one most important of all the things we can give to them is unconditional love. Not a love that depends on anything at all except that they are our children.” -- Rosaleen Dickson  

We've reached the final step of our series Ten Steps to Unconditional Love.

Step Ten?  Repeat daily to rewire your brain for love. Watch your life transform.   

Healing our ability to love unconditionally requires daily practice. Most of us don't wake up overflowing with love every morning. So each day we start over. Managing our moods. Finding ways to reconnect with the deep springs inside that replenish us. Choosing love.

Research shows that certain habits do rewire our brains. Habits like meditation, exercise, feeling gratitude, and serving a higher good actually change our bodies and brains so we can regulate ourselves better emotionally. And every time we stop ourselves from sliding into a "parent tantrum," we're building our ability to self-soothe so we can stay centered. The only catch? These habits have to be "practiced" daily.

That's a big commitment. But so worth it, because we become more mindful. Then, in those moments when our blood starts to boil, we can more easily keep our emotions from hijacking us. Daily practice is what builds heart muscle, so we're more able to choose love.

But why wait? You can start choosing love right now. Nothing has to be different for you to love yourself exactly as you are.

I know you're not perfect. (You're human, right?) When your child is at his worst is when he most needs your compassionate understanding. And when you're most ashamed of yourself is when you most need your own compassion. So don't wait for perfect. Just do your best and take it one step at a time. Forgive yourself for your mistakes -- that's part of being human. Loving unconditionally means it's not all about us. It's not even all about our child. It's all about love.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. But it is entirely possible to gradually become more of the parent you want to be. After all, you have live-in teachers and 24/7 lessons! Use your mistakes to your advantage. They aren’t mistakes if you learn from them, they’re life lessons in your parenting PhD. That’s why spiritual masters call it a Practice. At first, it seems impossible. But it's like playing the piano. In the beginning, scales are a challenge. But if you practice, in a year you can play a sonata.  

Just keep practicing, bringing awareness to every interaction, finding that moment of freedom between the stimulus (your child's behavior) and your own reaction.   Noticing is what gives us a choice next time. The miracle of one foot in front of the other, in the right direction, is that one day you look around, and all the scenery is different.  

Enjoy the journey. I'm honored to accompany you for this stretch.

Like this series? Here are all the links:
Ten Steps to Unconditional Love
Can You Forgive Yourself for Being Human?
Unconditional love is like a muscle. It needs a daily workout
Want to wake up jazzed about the day ahead?
Are You Drinking Rat Poison?
Heal Your Heart, Heal Your Life
5 Secrets to Love Your Child Unconditionally
How To Love Unconditionally When You're Angry
What If You've Made Mistakes As a Parent?
Don't Get Hijacked -- Take the High Road!

Don't Get Hijacked -- Take the High Road!

Tue, 02 Oct 2012 18:32:00 GMT

"You may become flooded by feelings such as fear, sadness or rage. These intense emotions can lead you to have a knee-jerk reaction instead of thoughtful responses. When emotional reactions replace mindfulness, you're on the low road and it is very unlikely that you will be able to maintain nurturing communication and connection with your child." -- Dan Siegel

This is Step 9 in our series Ten Steps to Unconditional Love: Take the High Road.

You know what the high road is. When you’re feeling really good, nothing fazes you. You respond to your child’s foibles with patience, understanding, and a sense of humor.

You know what the low road is, too. It’s when you’re stressed, exhausted, resentful. When you insist on being right or wringing an apology out of your child. When your fuse is so short that you feel justified in having your own little tantrum. When you're in the grip of fight or flight emotions and your child looks like the enemy.

All those negative emotions that wash us on to the low road can be traced, at core, to feelings of powerlessness, fear, and disconnection from our child. Sure, we're reacting to our child's behavior. But we rage so we won't have to feel those unbearable feelings. When kids act out, that’s what they’re feeling, too, which is why connecting with them heals their emotions as well as their behavior.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t reasons to get upset. It means there are far fewer reasons than we think. It means that what upsets you might just make another parent smile and shrug. It means that when we're in a state of love, not much upsets us. By contrast, when we're on the low road, everything upsets us.

Life is tough. Nobody takes the high road all the time. But you can find yourself on it more and more. How?

1. Practice mindfulness. You don’t have to meditate, although I highly recommend it. Just bringing awareness to your thoughts and emotions is enough to keep you from being in the grip of them. What does that mean? Notice what's happening NOW. Every time you take a deep breath and feel what's in your body, you're practicing mindfulness. That gives you a choice about which road to choose.

2. Accept feelings and take loving action. What does that mean? We usually start sliding down onto the low road by tolerating behavior we don't like without taking action, so we get increasingly annoyed and finally get hijacked by our anger. The high road is accepting feelings and taking loving action. Here's the difference:

"I wish she wouldn't call her sister names." - Tolerating behavior, without accepting feelings or taking action. Doesn't solve the problem because no firm limit is set and the child doesn't gets help with her feelings. Plus, it makes us resentful of our child and more prone to snap later.

"Stop that name calling right this minute or you'll get punished!" - Reaction, without love, and without accepting feelings. Escalates the problem and reinforces it, because now she blames her sister for the punishment, is angry at your unfairness so she doesn't WANT to behave, and still gets no help with her feelings.

"The rule in this house is we speak to each other with respect, and no name calling.....I hear how angry you are at your sister....Come here, Sweetie, let's have a snuggle so you can tell me what's going on.... what's making you so angry?" - Acceptance of feelings shifts the emotions all round. Loving action sets a clear limit on behavior and helps the child with the emotions at the root of the behavior so she doesn't have to act on them.

3. Don't get hijacked by the low road. Those emergency feelings of fight, flight and freeze tell you you're on the low road. That means when you're shaking with anger, it's a red warning flag. STOP. Notice you're getting hijacked by your upset. Resist the urge to act on it. Breathe through it. You aren't that feeling; you are observing that feeling. It will pass. Melt rage away by letting yourself feel the fear, powerlessness and disappointment under the anger. If this happens often, you need to do some homework to heal your own issues. (And who doesn't have issues?!)

4. The low road never leads to the right destination. From the low road, our child is so clearly wrong. But the wider view from the high road shows us our child's perspective, and our compassion blooms.

Let's say your child is objectively, totally, completely, off-track. That often happens to young humans with big feelings and immature brains. But your child can only join you on a better path if you're reaching out from the high road. Blame, shame, anger, and criticism never help your child become a better person. (Do they help you be a better parent?) Your heart is your compass here; getting in touch with our love always gets us back on the high road.

5. Choose the high road. Children who feel ugly inside act ugly, which is a signal that they need our help. We always have a choice. Will you join her on the low road and escalate the upset, or will you embrace her with your love so she can get back onto the high road with you?

You can't live on the high road all the time, unless you're Mother Teresa. But the more you get used to choosing it, the faster you'll notice when you're off-track. It's hard, but it isn't complicated. The high road is love. The low road is fear. Choose love as often as you can. Unconditionally.

******
This is Step 9 in our series Ten Steps to Unconditional Love.

Don't like this series? It's designed to heal our ability to love unconditionally, so we can give our children the uncondtional love they need. But after tomorrow, we'll be back to our regular parenting emails!

Like this series? Here's what we've covered so far:
Ten Steps to Unconditional Love
Can You Forgive Yourself for Being Human?
Unconditional love is like a muscle. It needs a daily workout
Want to wake up jazzed about the day ahead?
Are You Drinking Rat Poison?
Heal Your Heart, Heal Your Life
5 Secrets to Love Your Child Unconditionally
How To Love Unconditionally When You're Angry
What If You've Made Mistakes As a Parent?

What If You've Made Mistakes As a Parent?

Thu, 27 Sep 2012 19:41:00 GMT

"Dr Laura....I only found Aha! Parenting a month ago. Already things have improved so much with my kids and I no longer act like a crazy person when I get frustrated with them. But I keep wondering if I have messed my children up forever...."

"Understanding alone cannot prevent disrupted connections from occurring. Some will inevitably happen. The challenge we all share is to embrace our humanity with humor and patience so that we can in turn relate to our children with openness and kindness. To continually chastise ourselves for our "errors" with our children keeps us involved in our own emotional issues and out of relationship with our children.." -- Daniel J. Siegel

Have you made mistakes as a parent? Join the club. The bad news is that you're human, like all parents. So we all fall short.

The good news is, your child does not need perfect parents. In fact, if your child sees you as perfect, he'll feel worse about himself, since he knows he's not. What your child needs from you is a model of how to be a gracious human. That means admitting when you've been wrong. Giving yourself support to do better. Working hard to regulate your own emotions instead of acting like a crazy person, no matter what your child does.

Not so easy, right? That's why loving your child unconditionally starts with loving yourself unconditionally.

You can't simultaneously feel bad about what you've done and feel good enough to do better. (Just like your child.) If you use your past mistakes to guide you toward a better way in the future, that's called a learning experience, not a mistake. Really. We're all doing the best we can with whatever we know at the time.

Luckily, children are resilient. Your child may need to do some crying about those times when she felt so alone in the face of your anger. But whatever is happening in your relationship with your child, whatever mistakes you've made, however ugly your child is acting, however ugly you've acted -- it is never too late. You can always transform your relationship with your child into a happier, closer, connection. Here's how.

1. Lighten Up. Most of our upsets with our kids stem from our own fear. (What if he NEVER learns? What if she gets in big trouble and ruins her life? What if I'm truly a bad mother?) But fear never helps us make good decisions. You can always choose a new course now and start moving in a better direction. And the truth is, most issues with kids are developmental, meaning that as the brain matures, the child matures. So lighten up, let go of the past, and trust that your child will be ok. Just say to yourself, "He's getting better parenting than I did, and I came out ok."

2. Make self-regulation your highest priority. If you can stay centered and pay attention, you can respond with love and creativity to whatever's going on with your child. Of course you'll find yourself off-track, but you can apologize, suggest a "Do Over" and try again.

3. Apologize and make things better. Use the inevitable little rifts of life as opportunities to get closer. But to do that, you have to be willing to summon up your humility and humor. Don't worry that you're always apologizing. It wouldn't be good for your child to have perfect parents, because then she'd never see you role-modeling self-forgiveness and reparation.

4. Focus on connecting with your child, which means start where he is. If he's in a place that hurts, he'll be acting ugly. Summon up your patience and your courage and go in there after him. Let him vent about what's happened in the past, and love him through it. Don't take it personally. Don't try to teach him any lessons until he feels better. Don't get lost in the dark in there with him. You're the one who's supposed to have the candle, remember? Bring your child back into connection with you, and he'll be a whole different kid.

5. Enjoy your child. Often we're so busy managing our children that we forget what kids really need. Children need us to enjoy them. That's how they learn they're of value. That's how they learn what joy is, what makes life worth living. So resist the lure of computer, phone and TV to sit on the couch whenever possible, and focus on the invisible tasks of parenting:

Creating engrossing dinner table conversation...Healing hurt feelings...Empathizing....Giggling together....Tummy time with the baby...Floor time with the toddler...Bedtime snuggles with the elementary schooler...Couch time with the tween...Walks with the teen...Family game night...Helping children think about the world and explore their emerging passions... Supporting kids in solving their own problems...Pillow fights...Star-gazing...Listening.... Laughing...Lighting candles...Connecting.

So show up, and lighten up. Let the past go. Take the pressure off.

You don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to fix your child or the situation. All you have to do is stay present and try to choose love instead of fear. Your child doesn't even need the red cup, or whatever he's crying for; he needs your loving acceptance of him, complete with all his tangled up feelings. His disappointment, rage, and grief? They're all ok, part of a rich emotional life, and they will all pass without you doing a thing. Just love him--and yourself--through it. Unconditionally.

******
This is Step 8 in our series Ten Steps to Unconditional Love.

Don't like this series? It's designed to heal our ability to love unconditionally, so we can give our children the uncondtional love they need. But soon we'll be back to our regular parenting emails!

Like this series? Here's what we've covered so far:
Ten Steps to Unconditional Love
Can You Forgive Yourself for Being Human?
Unconditional love is like a muscle. It needs a daily workout
Want to wake up jazzed about the day ahead?
Are You Drinking Rat Poison?
Heal Your Heart, Heal Your Life
5 Secrets to Love Your Child Unconditionally
How To Love Unconditionally When You're Angry

How To Love Unconditionally When You're Angry

Wed, 26 Sep 2012 16:17:00 GMT

"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom." -- Victor Frankl

"Where there is great love, there are always miracles." – Willa Cather

I know, you never actually stop loving your child, even when she acts like a monster and you can't stand being with her another minute. But I'm afraid that the love you feel isn't the most important factor in your child's emotional development.

The most important factor is whether your child feels loved, unconditionally. Even when she's acting like a monster! Does she know that she's more than enough, exactly as she is? That she isn't expected to be perfect? That her anger, disappointment, frustration and sadness are just part of being human, and that she can count on you to help her learn to manage those feelings so she doesn't have to act on them?

You may be wondering how you teach your child those things. The answer is easy, but oh so difficult. You love him unconditionally. Even -- especially -- when he's driving you crazy.

Why? Because your child knows you love him when he's being sweet, generous, obedient. He's not so sure you love him when he's feeling angry, or jealous, or greedy. When he acts like a monster, he's afraid he IS a monster. But when you:

Can stay lovingly connected to him even as you set limits on his behavior -- he learns that he's not a bad person, just human. He learns self-discipline from your limits since you're setting them with love.
Can resist lashing out at him even when you're "justifiably" angry -- he learns from your modeling how to regulate his emotions.
Can love him through his upsets -- he learns that feelings are manageable, not dangerous, and that he's ok, complete with all those inconvenient feelings. It's that self-acceptance that helps him manage those feelings so he doesn't have to act them out.
Can accept that he's an immature human and by definition still learning and thus naturally makes mistakes -- he learns that mistakes are part of growing, and what matters is noticing, repairing, and planning ahead to avoid the mistake next time.

Of course, all parents get angry at their children. And we don't feel very loving at those moments. Loving unconditionally when you're furious isn't easy. In fact, it's such heavy lifting of the heart that it builds real love muscle. But nothing changes your child's behavior quite as quickly.

Healing our ability to love unconditionally means committing to parenting from love, not anger. Instead of unloading your anger on this small person entrusted to your care and guidance, can you teach yourself to take a deep breath and a few minutes to calm yourself?

The key is to enlarge that space between your child’s stimulus and your reaction, so that you have the freedom to choose a response that heals. Then you'll be able to show up as a real teacher for your child, and help her process her upset constructively. How?

1. When you're angry, shift your attention away from your child and concentrate on calming yourself. Forget about teaching your child lessons unless you're in a state of love and can teach lovingly. A teachable moment is always when both people are receptive and positive. Anger and punishment are never based in love, because your child never feels love when he's feeling your anger. (In fact, he's in fight or flight, which means the learning parts of the brain shut down.)

2. What if your child "deserves" your anger? You're always entitled to your anger, but it's always YOUR anger, not the other person's responsibility. In any case, that's not a judgment you can make while you're angry.

3. What if your child's behavior requires "discipline"? Discipline means guidance. Your guidance will be a lot more effective once you're calm. It's our job as parents to be our child's role model in handling emotions constructively. Healthy anger management always means acknowledging our anger and listening to the message it has for us. It never means acting on our anger from that "fight, flight or freeze" place where our child looks like the enemy and we have to "win" while our child has to "lose."

4. But isn’t it healthy to express your anger? No, actually. Research shows that expressing anger just makes us more angry. Anger is a defense against more vulnerable emotions, like hurt, fear, or shame. But that doesn’t mean you stuff it – that’s how you make yourself sick. It’s essential to listen to your anger's messages about your life. It’s important to look under the anger for what's hurting or scaring you, and then to give yourself the chance to feel those emotions. Once you do, you won’t need to defend against your hurt or fear by staying angry. You'll be able to take care of your own hurt places, and also intervene so your child learns how to manage her behavior better.

5. Teach later, after everyone is calm and connected. If you make your teachable moments into learnable moments by waiting until your child is receptive, your teaching will stick. And your child will get something even better than the lesson about behavior -- the skills for emotional self-management. And just as important, the unshakable conviction that he is wholly and unconditionally loved exactly as he is, including all those messy, passionate emotions that make us human.

Notice I didn't say this would be easy. But every time you manage your anger instead of dumping it onto your child, it gets easier. Just keep practicing, finding that moment of freedom between the stimulus (your child's behavior) and your own response. Noticing is what gives us a choice next time.

Loving unconditionally is "Win-Win" parenting. That's because not acting on your anger creates more space for love. And where there is more love, there is always more room for miracles.

******
This is Step 7 in our series Ten Steps to Unconditional Love.

Don't like this series? It's designed to heal our ability to love unconditionally, so we can give our children the uncondtional love they need. But soon we'll be back to our regular parenting emails!

Like this series? Here's what we've covered so far:
Ten Steps to Unconditional Love
Can You Forgive Yourself for Being Human?
Unconditional love is like a muscle. It needs a daily workout
Want to wake up jazzed about the day ahead?
Are You Drinking Rat Poison?
Heal Your Heart, Heal Your Life
5 Secrets to Love Your Child Unconditionally

5 Secrets to Love Your Child Unconditionally

Tue, 25 Sep 2012 14:30:00 GMT

"Try to see your child as a seed that came in a packet without a label. Your job is to provide the right environment and nutrients and to pull the weeds. You can’t decide what kind of flower you’ll get or in which season it will bloom." - Anonymous

This is Step 6 in our series Ten Steps to Unconditional Love.

Unconditional love isn't just what we feel. It's what the object of our love feels: love without strings attached. That means our child doesn't have to be, or do, anything in particular to earn our love. We love her exactly as she is.

A tall order, since most of us have a little list of things we want "fixed" in our child.

"If only he'd be nicer to his sister.... When will she use the potty?.... Too bad she didn't get her mom's hair.... I just want him to sleep through the night... He's great, but I would have loved a daughter this time....He argues with everything I say; it drives me crazy..... "

It's true, our children can drive us crazy. But can you imagine feeling like you just aren't good enough, the way you are? That's not what any of us want for our child. And the paradox is, it's hard for anyone to change when we feel defensive. When your child feels unconditionally loved, he's more likely to blossom. And you're more likely to see change.

So what can you do to love your child unconditionally? Start with these five habits.

1. Appreciate your child’s "weaknesses." Everyone has traits that take special effort to manage. But it gets easier if you remember that human "weaknesses" can be understood as the flip side of our strengths. For instance, a child might be incredibly stubborn, arguing with her parents to get what she wants until she simply wears them down. While that trait is hard to live with, the flip side of the trait is dogged persistence. This is the kind of persistence that will serve this child well if she grows up to be a detective, a scientist, or a novelist.... indeed, almost any profession would be served by such persistence.

If this is our child, we can help her understand that her trait is an asset, but can also drive others crazy and make them angry at her. She needs to learn to modulate it and use it, rather than letting it control her. Helping children to know themselves well and to manage themselves to best meet their overall goals is one of the most helpful gifts any parent can give a child.

2. Grieve. Maybe you wanted a boy but you got a girl. Maybe you wanted a quiet, cooperative child but you got an exuberant live wire. Maybe your child has special challenges that make parenting extra tough. Maybe you're just sorry she got that tangly curly hair instead of your silken mane. If there's something you wish were different about your child, he or she is likely to sense it. The understanding may not be in words, but in some visceral sense of not being good enough. The solution is to let yourself feel those feelings, and grieve. Grief burns, but it cleanses the psyche and helps us make peace with what is. From there, we can embrace our actual child, not some idea of who he or she should be.

3. See things from your child's point of view. Naturally, we assume we're right....which makes our child wrong. But we could see it another way, a way that is actually much closer to reality: All "misbehavior" from your child is an SOS. Under your child's misbehavior there is always a reason, an upset feeling or unmet need. Address that underlying reason, not the behavior, and you'll see a change in your child -- because you answered her SOS.

Maybe he'd be nicer to his sister if he wasn't worried that he's lost his special place in your heart, and what he needs is more connection to you.
Maybe she gets so involved in her play that she forgets all about the potty; you've been using one for years but this is all new to her -- and it sure doesn't seem as important as whatever she's involved with at the moment. (Might be time to try one of those potty watches made for kids.)
Maybe he'd stop arguing if you acknowledged his upset with empathy, so he didn't have to shout to feel heard. ("I hear how disappointed you are about this, Sweetie...")

When children act out, they're telling us -- in the only way they can at that moment -- that they need our help. When we see things from our child's point of view, misbehavior is suddenly comprehensible, forgivable. The blocks to love melt away, and our love becomes unconditional.

4. Accept Feelings, Limit Behavior. Empathy is unconditional love in action. Your child feels understood and accepted, even while his actions are contained. Reconnect, empathize, and invite him to trust you with the deeper feelings driving the behavior: “You know we don’t hit (throw things) (yell) in this family. You must be very upset. What’s going on, Sweetie?”

Listen. Breathe. Teach emotional intelligence: "She knocked over your tower again and you worked so hard on it, you're mad!" "You're so disappointed that we can't stay and have dessert at the restaurant, huh?"

Remember, empathizing with his anger doesn't mean you endorse his hitting. And acknowledging her strategy for meeting her need doesn't mean you have to meet her need in the way she's asking. For instance, some sweetness from you might meet the same need as that dessert. (Don't be surprised if you end up with a child sobbing in your arms about what’s really wrong, and then thanking you.)

And empathy doesn't mean you don't address the behavior. Later, when everyone is calm, reinforce any limits as necessary and talk about other ways to handle the situation: “I know it’s hard to stay calm when your sister knocks over your tower, but you know we don't hit in this family. Next time, what will you do instead of hitting her? Let's practice.”

5. Manage Your Anger. Unconditional love means the child feels the parent's love without the requirement of the child doing anything at all -- including behaving.

Did he hit his little sister? Did she scream "I hate you!" and slam the door? Did he throw a toy at your head? Did she throw a fit in the restaurant? It's hard to feel love for our kids when they're driving us crazy. We know we love them, no matter what. But if you ask the kid, he or she doesn't feel loved at that moment.

"Of course!" we might say. "We WANT her to know how mad we are!! She can feel our love later!"

But will your rage really teach your child the lesson you want to teach? When kids misbehave, the most effective intervention is setting a calm, clear limit and then loving our child through his upset. When we indulge our anger, we're modeling inappropriate behavior for our child. And kids do misinterpret our anger. At the best, they assume they're bad people who can never be good enough. (At worst, you'd be amazed how many children secretly fear we'll give them away or send them to jail.)

Heavy lifting? It does takes daily practice to build this kind of heart muscle. But there's nothing as rewarding. These five habits will bring you and your child closer, her behavior will improve dramatically, and for the rest of her life, she will know that she's more than enough, exactly as she is. Your child has been well and truly loved. Unconditionally.

Tomorrow: How To Love Unconditionally When You're Angry

Heal Your Heart, Heal Your Life

Thu, 20 Sep 2012 04:00:00 GMT

"What can you do if the people in your life, in particular family, continue to inflict wounds although you keep forgiving? Isn't it better to keep them at arms length ?" - Ruby

“Healing comes when we meet our wounded places with compassion." -- Stephen Levine

Yesterday, Step 4 in our series Ten Steps to Unconditional Love was Are You Drinking Rat Poison? Many readers thought I was saying that forgiveness means you make up with anyone who has hurt you and give them access to your heart again. NOT. You don't want people in your life who inflict wounds. Arms length? Toss them out of your life altogether!

Forgiveness means YOU MOVE ON. You don't nurture hate or revenge. You let yourself cry and heal. It does not mean that you ever need to relate to someone who hurt you. It means you don't let that wound continue to fester inside you. You don't keep fighting that battle that you shouldn't have had to fight to begin with. You accept what happened, with full compassion for yourself, so you can heal yourself and move on. As Paul Boese says, "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”

So today we have Step 5: Heal your heart, heal your life.

Sometimes, we just can't let go of the past. We're told we "should," but we're still resentful, or even furious. There's a reason for that.

No, I don't mean whatever wrong was done to you. You may well have every reason to be furious, but that doesn't mean you have to be. Nurturing resentment over the years is a prescription for bitterness -- not something any of us would choose. Quite simply, it hardens your heart, and that doesn't serve you. And it keeps you from loving your child, and anyone else, with an open heart.

No, the reason we can't move on is that we need our rage. It's a defense against the agony. All that pain from your childhood is walled off in a corner of your heart. That made sense when you were a kid. It was the only way to keep the pain at bay so it didn't swamp you, so you could keep growing. Anger makes a great blockade. (You've heard that the best defense is a good offense?) Which would be ok, except that it's hard to love whole-heartedly with only half your heart available.

You may have heard the saying, "It's never too late to have a happy childhood." It means we can always embrace that sad or angry child within us and nurture him or her. The paradox is that first we have to face the pain that we didn't get the happy childhood we deserved. In fact, we have to give up all hope of ever having a better past. Acceptance is what allows us to grieve. Think of grief as washing away the pain of the past. It's what frees us to move on. To finally give ourselves all that love we were missing.

Ready to heal your heart, so you can heal your life? Believe it or not, all you need is half an hour and some courage. This is something anyone can do. Make an appointment with yourself right now.

1. Find a photograph of yourself as a child.

2. Light a candle and sit quietly. Breathe.

3. Reach out to that child inside you who's holding all that hurt. Look at your photo. Embrace that small child within you who's still suffering from your childhood. Let her (him) tell you the whole painful story. Breathe.

4. Resist the urge to trivialize. If it hurt, it hurt. Accept that pain. Let yourself feel it. Don't stop your tears, let them flush out the pain. Breathe. If it helps, write it all down. But stay in your heart, not your head.

5. Take that hurting child into the present, where you can keep offering daily nurturance and healing. It's your job now to give him or her that happy childhood. Reassure your inner child that he or she is completely lovable and loved, and deserved better. Promise: From now on, I will make sure you get what you need.

That's it. Be brave. If there's too much pain, make an appointment with a counselor so you have someone to hold your hand while you do this.

This is worth it. It's how you get your personal power back. It's how you heal what keeps getting triggered with your child. Once you get through that pain you've been ignoring, you won't need to hang on to any kind of anger. Pain and anger will still arise -- you're still human! -- but you'll be able to notice it and let it go, rather than acting on it.

Your compassion for yourself is the key to healing any place inside you that hurts. And it opens your heart to the unconditional love you've always deserved. Choose love.

Are You Drinking Rat Poison?

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 04:00:00 GMT

"Families are definitely the training ground for forgiveness. At some point you forgive the people in your family for being stuck together in all this weirdness, and when you can do that, you can learn to forgive anyone... Not forgiving someone is like drinking rat poison and expecting the rats to die.” -- Anne Lamott

This is Step Four from our series Ten Steps to Unconditional Love: Forgive your parents for being human.

When your child pushes your buttons, you automatically move into "fight or flight." It's hard to love unconditionally. Of course, your child might need you to set a clear, kind limit, but you'll do that better if you aren't seeing him as the enemy while you're doing it.

Guess where those buttons came from? That's right -- your own childhood. If you want to liberate your heart to love your child and yourself, you have to heal your old wounds.

It's hard to love unconditionally when part of our heart is closed off behind the bars of anger or resentment. So maybe the moment has come to acknowledge any resentments you're carrying toward your own parents -- or anyone else.

Most of us didn't have perfect childhoods. Perhaps you got the message that you weren't good enough somehow. Too needy, too angry, too selfish, too lazy, too careless...too childish? Our parents, however well-intentioned, were products of their time, and most of us didn't get the message that we were wholly loved, human imperfections and all.

Now -- and this is the hard part -- It’s time to let that anger go. The reason to forgive your parents actually has nothing to do with them. In fact, you never need to speak to them again. But as Anne Lamott says, drinking rat poison doesn't hurt the rats. Carrying around resentment poisons our hearts and keeps us from loving as we'd like to. That anger changes the way you relate to your child, even when you don’t know it. It keeps you from being the parent your child deserves.

It’s easy to stay angry. They deserve it, after all. And even if we want to forgive, most of us find it so difficult. The minute we begin, that wounded child inside us screams in pain. To fend off the pain, we stay angry. But whose life is it, anyway? Letting your childhood determine your happiness level is like letting the waiter eat your dinner.

So how can you forgive and move on? It isn’t about whoever wronged you. You don't have to say a word to them. The secret is being willing to accept what happened (even when every part of you is screaming NO!) and feel the pain of what you suffered. To cry through it and comfort yourself. As Oprah says, "Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past could have been any different." Once you offer yourself that healing, you won’t need to hang onto the anger. Or the rat poison.

Here's how:

1. Start by finding that small child who was you, and acknowledging your wounds. "I felt unprotected....unappreciated...unloved....hurt." Whatever is true for you. Allow yourself to feel that pain. Breathe through it. Once you feel the pain, you won't need to fend it off with your anger.

2. Now consider a different small child....The one who grew up to become your parent. Acknowledge what happened to that child. What wounded him? What hardened her heart?

Look at it from their perspective: were their childhoods perfect? You have a right to be angry. But that doesn't mean you need to be. The adults who were your parents almost certainly wanted to love you. Even if they failed you in ways that most of us would consider unforgivable, they were doing the best they could with what they had at the time.

3. Express your intention to move toward forgiveness. Say, "What you did was not ok. Every child deserves better. I deserved better. But you deserved better too. I ask for the grace to forgive. Please help us all to heal. Please help me to forgive now."

Do you need to phrase it as asking for help? No, not at all. You might just be able to find forgiveness in your heart. But most of us need a little help from a deeper source of healing, whether you see that source as within you or without. And when we ask for help, somehow we make room for grace.

Just too hard to forgive your parents, or someone else? That’s a defense against the pain of feeling unloved. Your anger keeps that pain away -- by walling it up inside your heart. Tomorrow, we'll talk about how to heal that pain so you can move on.

Happily Ever After: When You and Your Partner Disagree About Parenting

Tue, 18 Sep 2012 16:25:00 GMT

Do you and your partner ever disagree about parenting? If not, please post a comment below with your secret! If so, join the club!

And also please join me for my discussion with Jacqueline Green on the Great Parenting Show TODAY at 10am PT/ 1PM ET, when we discuss how to resolve conflicts with your partner without messing up your kids! If you can't make the call live, no worries. You can listen to the replay for 24 hours.

Here's the link to register for this call and all the calls in the Great Parenting series this season. All calls are free. (You'll be offered a chance to buy recordings and transcripts of all the interviews, but that isn't necessary unless you want to listen to them later at your leisure.) Here's the link:

http://greatparentingshow.com/f2012/index.html

When you register, you'll get access info to listen to the call via live webcast or via phone. You can also submit your personal question via the Great Parenting Show webpage. I look forward to talking with you on this call -- and to helping you and your partner live Happily Ever After!

Want to wake up jazzed about the day ahead?

Tue, 18 Sep 2012 16:24:00 GMT

"Want to feel as playful and vibrant as your children? Want to feel an abundance of energy? Want to experience greater clarity in all you do? Want to wake up jazzed about the day ahead? Imagine taking care of yourself in all the marvelous ways you take care of others. It makes sense that, if you shifted self-care onto the top of your priority list, you would feel more rested, more centered, more present to your loved ones, more joyful..." -- Womans Field Guide

This is Step Three from our series Ten Steps to Unconditional Love: Keep Your Pitcher Full So You Can Fill Your Child's Cup: Commit to radical self-care.

Most of us find that when we can stay connected to our internal fountain of well-being, it overflows onto our children and we're more patient, loving, joyful parents. To love our children unconditionally, we need to keep our own pitchers full, so we can keep pouring as needed. Quite simply, we can only give what we have inside. And even if parenting is the most meaningful part of your life, it still requires a whole lot of giving.

And yet, most of us live in constant stress, which means we're often running on empty. Small wonder we lose patience with our children.

Remorse and and self-blame after you lose patience won't change anything. Actually, it makes things worse, because it's hard to act like a loving, happy person when you're feeling like a bad person. What if, instead, you could find a way to stay in a positive state more often? You can. Not all the time, of course -- into every life some rain must fall. But most of us can find a way to be more positive more often. It starts with finding ways to nurture and nourish ourselves, so we can stay more centered.

But if you're like most parents, that's not so easy. The secret is radical self-care. What do I mean by radical? I mean not just tending to yourself after everyone else's are met. I mean actually moving self-care high up on your priority list. I mean overwhelming yourself with love and appreciation. Because that's the only way you can be the happy, patient, unconditionally loving parent your child deserves. (And because you deserve it!) Wouldn't that be a radical act?

Here's how.

1. Nurture yourself as you would your beloved child. Treat yourself as you would your child -- do you need a snack or a break right now, so you don't have a meltdown? Find a way to help yourself feel better. Maybe that means finding a way for your child to occupy himself, or maybe it means giving him a snack, too.

Do you need to go to bed when your child does tonight, so you get a really good night's sleep? Why not do that routinely while your child is still waking up at night? It won't last forever (even though it seems like it will!)

Do you need to take Sunday off and just enjoy being alive? You can't stop being a parent, but you don't have to do laundry, you can leave the dishes in the sink, and you can have peanut butter and jelly for dinner once in a while. If you feel like you're playing hooky, ask yourself: Whose life is it, anyway? And at the end of it, who will have been responsible for how you felt during it?

What if your child needs you at this moment? I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't take care of your child. I'm suggesting that there is usually a way to take care of yourself at the same time.

Sometimes we simply can't give ourselves what we need, just as we can't always fix whatever is wrong for our child. In those cases, self-care means listening with compassion, whether to our child, or our own distress. And, of course, promising ourselves more self-care as soon as we can manage it.

2. Contain Stress. Most of us live in constant stress, which doesn't allow for self-nurturing. Rushing makes us less patient, less empathic. It sends our children the message that they aren't as important as whatever we're rushing to do. It strangles the joy out of life.

Luckily, while stress-inviting events are inevitable, stress is not. We can begin by gradually paring our lives down to what matters most to us.

The next challenge is to change our reaction to whatever stressful events still pop up. Impossible? Remember that what stresses one person just rolls off another person’s back. When you notice a thought creating stress in your mind, can you reframe it? (Instead of "This child is driving me crazy" how about "This child is having a hard time....Maybe there's a way we can both get what we need here.") Remember, it isn’t stress that kills us, it’s our reaction to it.

3. Exercise. It's magic! It increases endorphins, which make us happy, and serotonin, which calms us. No time? Who needs the gym? Put on music and dance with your kids. Get them out of the house and run around with them at the park. Take your baby with you to a "Baby & Me" yoga class.

4. Take Responsibility for meeting your own needs and solving the problems life presents to you. Do you need some appreciation? Give it to yourself! Really. Once you get in the habit of appreciating yourself, you'll be amazed how much more appreciation you feel from those around you.

Some of us have a hard time feeling appreciation from others, and even from ourselves. In that case, daily practice stretches our ability to receive that self love. (And give it to our children.) What needs do you have that weren't met when you were little? That's what you have to give to yourself now. Maybe you felt you were never quite good enough. Can you start reassuring yourself, every time you look in the mirror, that you're more than enough, and are deeply loved? Once we take care of that old unfinished business, it gets much easier to find ways to take care of ourselves in the present.

And what if your problem is in the now? Fights with your spouse? A job you hate? A life on constant over-whelm? Life challenges like these are tough, but when we leave them unaddressed, they demoralize us. Can you take a step, any step, toward solving that problem now? It may not happen overnight, but moving in the right direction will help you enjoy your life more and stop spilling tension onto your child.

5. Don't postpone joy! We’re all guilty of taking the joy that pours into our lives for granted. We let it slip right through our fingers, in the name of efficiency and responsibility. But what if reveling in that joy is part of what makes you a more inspired parent? What if enjoying your daughter’s dancing on the sidewalk helps her start the day basking in your love? What if that water fight is just what you need to defuse tension and connect with your kid? What if those bedtime stories give your child the message that you’ll always be there for a snuggle, no matter how old she gets? What if you and your spouse need those kisses to stay connected so you’re a better parenting team? What if that bubble bath would help you be a more patient parent tomorrow? What if you never know which sunset is your last?

Unconditional love is like a muscle. It needs a daily workout

Thu, 13 Sep 2012 13:53:00 GMT

Today is Step 2 of Ten Steps to Unconditional Love: Unconditional love is like a muscle. It needs a daily workout.

"Love is not a feeling, love is an action...Love is as love does." -- M. Scott Peck

Yesterday, Step 1 (How to Forgive Yourself) encouraged you to renounce perfection and shoot higher -- for love! If you change nothing else, that will change your life. But why stop there? Why not really give your love muscle a workout?

Commit to treating yourself and everyone around you with compassion. Every time you notice harshness creeping in, toward yourself, your child, or anyone else, stop and find something to appreciate about that person. No exceptions. If you could choose compassion in every interaction with everyone, including yourself, you'd be enlightened by the end of the month.

Sound good? Now let's go for the gold. It's easy to be loving when everything goes our way. What about when you're stressed out, when your desires are thwarted or your needs aren't met? When you're in fight or flight and even the people you love look like the enemy? When life crashes into you and knocks you over? In other words, at least once a day, and for some of us, many times a day?

Can you take a deep breath and ease from anger to compassion?

I know you're not a saint. I'm not asking you to greet a murderer, or even that woman who was mean to your kid, with love. But what about that guy who just cut you off in traffic? Or the preschooler who punched your child on the playground last week? Or the rude grocery store clerk?

Maybe all those folks just had very hard days. Maybe you don't want to be near them, but can you think of them with compassion, even while you remove yourself from their presence?

What about your spouse, who looks at this moment clueless and lazy and selfish? Maybe your spouse is as overwhelmed as you are, but showing it in a different way.

What about your child, who is being impossible today? Maybe he's feeling disconnected from you. (Kids don't act out when they feel deeply connected, but that connection gets frayed during daily life and has to be constantly renewed.) Maybe he's actually afraid -- of the mean kid at school, or the monsters in his closet, or losing your love to his sibling, or of never being good enough to stop you from yelling at him.

If you can't imagine shifting from anger to compassion, start with baby steps.

1. Stop and take a deep breath.

2. Recognize your anger as a physiological hijacking that is poisoning the situation you're in. Take another deep breath.

3. See it from the other person's point of view. That will switch off the blood-wrath of your inner critic. Remind yourself that the other person is having a hard day too. Find something to appreciate about the other person.

4. Ask yourself what's under your anger. I know, you want to smack that person. But why? Did they make you feel disrespected, for instance? No one can make you feel disrespected except you. The button that just got pushed is from feeling disrespected in your own childhood. So even if that person actually DID disrespect you, you have all the respect you need inside yourself. Find that self-respect inside and give it to yourself. Whatever deep need is triggering your anger, hug yourself and meet that need. Do you need a good cry? To give yourself permission not to get it all done? To cut back your expectations and try again tomorrow? Give yourself what you need. Then you won't need to be angry.

5. If you still need to, express the anger safely. Go shake out your hands, splash water on your face, or put on music and dance. No time to calm down? Do five sit-ups. (At the very least, you'll have a flat stomach in a few weeks.)

This is basic emotional self-regulation, and it's arguably the most critical emotional intelligence skill. Most of us don't come by it naturally. But the more you practice shifting from judgment to compassion as you move through your day, the more you'll be able to shift into compassion when your child acts up.

Because love isn't a feeling. Love is an action, an act of creating love where there wasn't any. Love is the hard internal work you do to shift from your automatic reaction of anger into a place of compassion.

Compassion is the heavy lifting of life. You know it takes daily practice to build that kind of muscle. Why should your heart be an exception?

Repeat daily. Watch your life transform.

Can You Forgive Yourself for Being Human?

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 14:17:00 GMT

Today is Step One of Ten Steps to Unconditional Love: Forgive yourself for being human and therefore imperfect.

"Perfection is the lowest standard any human can have." -- Heather Forbes

Unconditional love means dropping that list of ways you need to be different before you're good enough in your own eyes. Perfection is the lowest standard anyone can have. We aren't going for perfect. We're going for love!

Here's how:

1. Become a recovering perfectionist. If you recorded the chatter in your mind, you'd think you were supposed to be perfect: "That was dumb... Now you've done it....What an idiot....If only I were a better mother.....What have I done wrong that she's acting like this....Have I damaged him for life?...I should have known better..."

Guess what? You aren't perfect. You never will be. You're human. But don't worry, the goal is not perfection. The goal is expanding your heart, creating more love in the world. Trying to be perfect doesn't get you closer to perfect. It pushes you away from love.

2. Change your internal chatter to support and reassure yourself. As Anne Lamott says, "Take yourself through the day as you would your most beloved mental-patient relative, with great humor and lots of small treats." I personally swear by this approach.

Every time you notice self-criticism, remind yourself that your goal isn’t perfection. Your goal is loving yourself and others.

"Nobody bats 1000....I am more than enough....You can handle this....Practice makes perfect...I learn something every day... Easy does it...This too shall pass....I love you."

Transform that inner critic into your own fairy godmother. (We all need one!)

3. When your mind starts catastrophizing, change course. Unfortunately, our minds are programmed not to keep us happy, but to keep us safe. So they worry constantly and find fault with everything. Our minds WANT us to stay on our toes and keep striving, so they keep us in fear that we aren't good enough and are making a mess of things.

The only way to stop this vicious cycle is to retrain your mind: "Don't worry, it will be ok in the end.....I am more than enough...I don't have to be perfect...My child is getting better parenting than I got, LOL; he will be ok....I don't have to know what to do, I just have to love him through it....I can trust my instincts....Love never fails."

4. Choose love. If you pay attention, you'll notice that life holds constant choices. Should you be harsh with your child because you're frightened that if you aren't, he won't learn? Should you point out to your spouse that you were right? Should you let yourself stop cleaning and take a bubble bath?

At core, every choice is between love and fear. Choose love as often as you can. Your life is the sum of your choices. You'll make bad ones, sure. But those mistakes you've already made? They don't matter in the long run. Because you get new opportunities every single day to turn your love ratio around. No one can go back and change the past, but anyone can start today to make a new future.

5. Forgive Yourself. Ok, you made a mistake. That's not because you stopped striving for perfection, it's because you're human. We all make them, all the time. Really. Can you still have a happy, responsible, fabulous life and be a good parent? YES! The key is to forgive yourself, so you can accept your imperfections graciously. That makes it easier to admit when you mess up, and to make amends.

6. Make Reparations. Ok, so you're mature enough to see that you made a mistake and you've created a problem. What a terrific role model you are for your child! Focus on solving the problem you've created, not on blame and guilt. As long as you can forgive yourself, you'll be find a way to repair those little rifts with your child, a way that strengthens your relationship. Your child will survive your mistakes. In fact, when you acknowledge that you messed up, and apologize, and work to repair the relationship, your child learns some of the most important lessons.

7. Don't even try to be a perfect parent. Try to model graciousness while being humanly imperfect. Your child will never be perfect, because she's human. So having a perfect parent would be a terrible role model. If your child sees you as perfect, she'll feel worse about herself, since she knows she's not. And if your child sees you as imperfect but not willing to admit it, what are you modeling?

Ok, so we've established that it would be terrible for your child if you were perfect. (Liberating, huh?!) What your child DOES needs is a role model for how to graciously acknowledge when we miss the mark, how to apologize, and how to make amends. So give up on perfection. Forgive yourself for being human. Heck, APPLAUD yourself for being human and live as fully as you can. That means you'll make mistakes. They aren't mistakes if you grow from them and repair any problems you create.

8. When you notice you're criticizing yourself, change gears and find something you appreciate about yourself. Appreciation is the antidote to shame and guilt. It keeps your mind on a positive track and gives you access to more love.

Nothing to be grateful for? Start with "Even though" if you need to. "Even though I sometimes get annoyed at myself, I deeply love and accept myself.....Even though I sometimes lose my temper, I love it when I can be patient with my child.....I am good enough just the way I am...I appreciate my own hard work...I love my body's strength and energy....Even though I am tired at the end of the day, I am so grateful I have my kids, my home, my health, a bed to sleep in, and a fresh start tomorrow."

9. Try a forgiveness practice. We all judge ourselves harshly. A forgiveness practice can heal that tendency, help us to atone for times we've missed the mark, and increase our compassion for ourselves. Every religion and wisdom tradition has one. My personal favorite is the Hawaiian (Ho'oponopono) prayer:

I'm sorry...Please forgive me... I love you... I thank you.

Try repeating this prayer to yourself for self-forgiveness. (Because it is actually harder to forgive ourselves than anyone else.) Try speaking it to anyone in your past or present who occurs to you, even if you aren't quite sure what you are asking forgiveness for. You don't even have to think about what's being forgiven. Just forgive it all! See it as repairing any damage. Speaking from experience, using this little mantra for a few minutes daily is very powerful.

If you fill yourself with love, it can't help but overflow to everyone around you. Go ahead. Nurture yourself with infinite tenderness. Let your heart stretch past its boundaries. There is nothing you need to change or do to deserve love. There is nothing to forgive.

You're already more than enough, just the way you are.

Repeat daily. Watch your life --and your parenting -- transform.

Ten Steps to Unconditional Love

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 16:38:00 GMT

"The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well” -- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

We all know that children require unconditional love to thrive. But how many of us feel capable of giving it? We can't, quite simply, give something we don't have inside. Loving your child starts with loving yourself.

So if you didn’t have a perfect childhood, if you're more cranky than compassionate, should you just give up on being a good parent? No. Research shows that we can always grow inside, to become more loving to ourselves and others. In fact, the fastest path to stretching our hearts is parenting, because our love for our child motivates us to grow. (You sacrifice and work harder for your child than for your own well-being, right?)

It takes work, but the good news is that as our hearts get bigger, we’re not just better parents. We’re happier people.

Healing your ability to love takes daily attention and commitment, but it's quite do-able. Think of it like playing the piano. In the beginning, a scale is an effort. But in a year, you can play a sonata. Here's how.

1. Forgive yourself for being human and therefore imperfect. Unconditional love means dropping that list of ways you need to be different before you're good enough in your own eyes. Perfection is the lowest standard anyone can have. We aren't going for perfect. We're going for love! What your child needs is your full presence and appreciation, not perfection. Sometimes you'll make mistakes. As long as you can forgive yourself, you'll find a way to repair those little rifts with your child, which will strengthen your relationship and your child's resilience. Start by changing how you talk to yourself. Every time you notice self-criticism, remind yourself that your goal isn’t perfection. Your goal is loving yourself and others.

2. Unconditional love is like a muscle. It needs a daily workout. Compassion is the heavy lifting of life. You know it takes daily practice to build that kind of muscle. Why should your heart be an exception? Commit to treating yourself and everyone around you with compassion. Every time you notice harshness creeping in, toward yourself, your child, or anyone else, stop and find something to appreciate about that person. No exceptions. If you could choose compassion in every interaction with everyone, including yourself, you'd be enlightened by the end of the month.

3. Embrace Yourself: Commit to radical self-care. We all know that when we can stay connected to our internal fountain of well-being, it overflows onto our children and we're more patient, loving, joyful parents. To love our children unconditionally, we need to keep our own pitchers full so we aren’t running on empty. And yet, most of us live in constant stress, which depletes us. What if you committed to taking care of yourself and staying centered? First, because life is short, and you deserve it. And second, so you can be the peaceful, patient, encouraging parent your child deserves. Would that be a radical act? Whose life is it, anyway? And at the end of it, who will have been responsible for how you felt--and acted--during it?

4. Forgive your parents for being human. When your child pushes your buttons, do you ever wonder when those buttons were built into your psyche? That's right -- during your own childhood. If you want to liberate your heart, you have to heal your old wounds. Maybe you got the message that you were too needy, too angry, too selfish, too lazy, too careless...too childish? Our parents, however well-intentioned, were products of their time, and most of us didn't get the message that we were wholly loved, human imperfections and all. It’s time to let that go. Letting your childhood family determine your happiness level is like letting the waiter eat your dinner.

5. Heal Your Heart, Heal Your Life. The only way out is through. Sorry, but that means breathing your way through that unfinished business. Find an hour by yourself. Light a candle and sit quietly. Reach out to that child inside you who still feels unloved and feel his or her pain. Breathe. Reassure that child that he or she is completely lovable and loved. Be brave. Once you get through that pain you've been avoiding, you won't need to hang on to any kind of anger. It may arise --you're still human! -- but you'll be able to notice it and let it go, rather than acting on it. That's why forgiving others heals us. It isn't about them. It's about consciously feeling our pain -- accepting it instead of fighting against it -- so we don't need to hang on to our anger as a defense.

6. Accept your child unconditionally. Unconditional love isn't just what we feel. It's what the object of our love feels: love without strings attached. That means our child doesn't have to be, or do, anything in particular to earn our love. We love her exactly as she is. A tall order, since most of us have a little list of things we want "fixed" in our child. The trick is to commit to seeing things from your child's point of view. Suddenly, misbehavior is comprehensible, forgivable. Challenging character traits evoke tenderness. Compassion comes easily. The blocks to love melt away, and our love becomes unconditional.

7. Commit to parenting from love, not anger. It's easy to love unconditionally when our child is being delightful and we feel good. But how many of us can stay lovingly connected to our child while we set limits on behavior? How many of us can resist the temptation to lash out at our child when we feel justifiably angry? How many of us can love our child through his upsets? A teachable moment is always when both people are receptive and positive. Anger and punishment are never based in love. Maybe it's time to move your game up a notch and commit to parenting from love, not from anger. Notice I didn't say this would be easy. But every time you manage your anger instead of spilling it onto your child, it gets easier. Within a few months, you’ll realize you don't lose your temper anymore. And that your relationship with your child has completely transformed as a result.

8. Lighten Up and Show Up. Have you made mistakes as a parent? Join the club. They aren't mistakes if you use them to guide you toward a better way in the future. You don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to fix your child or the situation. All you have to do is stay present and choose love instead of fear. Your child doesn't even need the red cup, or whatever he's crying for; he needs your loving acceptance of him, complete with all his tangled up feelings. His disappointment, rage, and grief? They're all ok, part of a rich emotional life, and they will all pass if you accept them, and him. Just love him through it.

9. Take the High Road. You know what the high road is. When you’re feeling really good, nothing fazes you. You respond to your child’s foibles with patience, understanding, and a sense of humor. You know what the low road is, too. It’s when you’re stressed, exhausted, resentful. When you insist on having it your way or proving you were right. When your fuse is so short that you feel justified in having your own little tantrum. When you're in the grip of fight or flight emotions and your child looks like the enemy. Nobody takes the high road all the time. But there are ways to live that help you find yourself on it more and more.

10. Practice Makes Perfect. Healing our ability to love unconditionally requires daily practice as we catch the curve balls of life. Nothing has to be different for you to love yourself exactly as you are. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. But it is entirely possible to be a better parent every day. After all, you have live-in teachers and 24/7 lessons! Use your mistakes to your advantage. They aren’t mistakes if you learn from them, they’re life lessons in your parenting PhD. That’s why spiritual masters call it a Practice! At first, it seems impossible. But it's like playing the piano. In the beginning, scales are a challenge. But if you practice, in a year you can play a sonata.   Just keep practicing, bringing awareness to every interaction, finding that moment of freedom between the stimulus (your child's behavior) and your own reaction.   Noticing is what gives us a choice next time. The miracle of one foot in front of the other, in the right direction, is that one day you look around, and all the scenery is different.   Enjoy the journey.

Repeat daily. Watch your life transform.

Want More? It's September, always a time of exciting new beginnings. So we'll be exploring each of these Steps in more detail over the next few weeks (and I'll be adding the links above as we go.) And watch for my new ebook: Heal Your Ability to Love Unconditionally: Live the Love You Want – and Give It to Your Child.

Is this what you thought it would be like to raise children?

Thu, 06 Sep 2012 13:15:00 GMT

"Choosing to have a child is choosing a life of service." — Peg Tyre

Last week a friend said to me, "This isn't what I signed on for." I understand. Sometimes, in the face of illness and death, I feel the same way.

But my friend was talking about her child. She hadn't expected parenting to be so hard.

That rosy picture we have before our first child is so indistinct. It doesn't seem to include teething, tantrums, or the teen years. We ourselves never seem to get angry, or even to age. And special needs? Not what most of us sign on for.

Deciding to have a child is choosing a life of service, at least while they're young. Committing to address someone else's needs above our own. Dedicating ourselves to love and generosity, no matter how needy or exhausted we ourselves might feel in the moment. Stepping into a crucible that transforms us.

Sometimes I think if we could see ahead on the road of our lives we might never start the journey. But I think that not knowing what we're signing on for is a good thing, if it starts us down the path. Because if we stay committed to loving our children through thick and thin along the way, parenting always stretches our hearts and transforms us for the better.

Besides, think how much love you'd have missed along the way.

An Easy Way To Improve Your Parenting

Thu, 06 Sep 2012 04:00:00 GMT

“I love the variety of educators…. The Great Parenting show included everything from marriage and sex to preschool, nutrition to psychology, Feng Shui to brain research. It highlighted the breadth of education available to and, dare I say it, necessary to raise healthy, happy adults.” ~ Cara - Billings, MT

I believe that being a parent is sacred work. But it's also the hardest job we do.
That's why it's so important to support ourselves as parents.

One easy way to support yourself is listening to positive, inspiring interviews with credible experts who can answer your questions with clear information and practical solutions. That's why I'm a fan of the Great Parenting Show. My friend Jacqueline Green is the founder and host. She's made it her mission to provide parents with support and easy access to essential information.

This fall, Jacqueline has once again invited over 25 leading experts in parenting-related fields to share their wisdom, humor, and practical TIPS on how to take care of yourself and raise great kids. I'm recommending this show because because all three months of interviews are available to you at no charge. You can listen online to avoid long distance fees, and the best part is that you have the opportunity to send in your questions via web before and during the calls to get your questions answered live on the air.

Some of the questions you can expect to get answers to on this series include how to:

Teach your children the skills they need to avoid bullying, and to stand up when they see it happening.
Teach your child about money and responsibility.
Get easy nutritious meals on the table, quickly!
Protect your children from the dangers of cyberspace.
Help your child develop self-discipline.
Help your child be successful, both academically and socially.

And I'm delighted to announce that I'll be speaking on September 18!

My topic is: Happily Ever After: How to Handle Co-Parenting Conflicts. If you and your partner ever struggle over child-raising disagreements, this is your chance to transform your relationship and to ask me questions! If you can join me, please put this call on your calendar now. The time is 10am PT/ 1pm ET/ 5pm GMT.

==> To get FREE access to my interview, and the other parenting experts’ tips, please register here:
==> http://greatparentingshow.com/cmd.php?af=1384968

This wonderful series began this week, so please don't wait to REGISTER. You'll immediately receive an email with the info to access the entire series, which continues through November 20. The interviews air live every Tuesday and Thursday at 10am PT/ 1am MT/ 12pm CT/ 1pm ET/ 5pm GMAT, but if you can't make the live calls, don’t worry. The interviews are all recorded and will be available after each show for a limited time so you won't miss a thing.

Here are just a few of the other very well-known speakers included this season on the Great Parenting Show:

Patty Wipfler, the founder of Hand in Hand Parenting and one of the parenting experts I most admire.
Bryan Post, who specializes in healing early trauma.
Hal Runkel, best-selling author of Scream Free Parenting and Scream Free Marriage.
Dr. Kenny Handelman, expert in ADD/ADHD.
Dr. Bruce Lipton, the author of the Biology of Belief (terrific book!)
Anat Baniel, Brain and Special needs expert.
Dr. John Gray, best-selling author of the famous Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus book series.
Dr. Sara Gottfried, the Harvard-trained integrative physician who helps women feel at home in their bodies and re-ignite their sex drive.

And so many more!   Check out the full line up here and register to get more information:
==> http://greatparentingshow.com/cmd.php?af=1384968

This three month weekly training is completely free, so please forward this announcement to any friends you think would be interested.

To get the access info for my interview, and to listen to three months of other great parenting experts, please Register Now.   When you register, you'll be offered a chance to buy the recordings from this entire series of interviews. I want to tell you upfront that Aha! Parenting receives a small commission if you buy the series, but that isn't necessary if you intend to listen live, or to the free recording within 24 hours. (Although if you like the speakers, these recordings could be a great addition to your parenting library, and great inspiration to listen to as you drive.)

But please Register NOW to Listen Live and receive free access to all the live shows, and to the recordings for a limited time afterwards. I'd love to have you join me for my call, and I think you'll find a number of the other speakers valuable in your parenting journey.

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p.s. I just registered so I can listen to the other speakers, and noticed that Jacqueline is giving all registrants bonus MP3s from:

Michele Borba - always smart and sensible, and her work on bullying is especially helpful,
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Annika Rockwell on How to Keep Your Picky Eater From Driving you Nuts!
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All four of these folks are terrific and well worth listening to, and you can download their recordings as soon as you register, at no charge!

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Tomorrow we'll be back to our regular posts. And next week: Healing Your Ability to Love Unconditionally!

6 Things You Can Do When Your Child Is Belligerent

Wed, 05 Sep 2012 19:01:00 GMT

"My daughter was being so rude and belligerent. She was screaming at me about everything, so finally I just lost patience and yelled at her to go to her room. Then she burst into tears and sobbed and sobbed. Finally she recovered enough to say she was scared of first grade. I hadn't realized....." - Tara

When children are having a hard time, their feelings usually explode at the people with whom they feel safe -- Us! It's natural for us to get angry, reprimand, tell them to behave, or send them off to calm down. But when kids act rude and belligerent, they aren't trying to give us a hard time. They're trying to send us an SOS.

If we respond by yelling, threatening, or sending them away to "calm down," we shut the door they've opened, and leave them to struggle on their own. Of course, your child's belligerence might look more like a mine field than an open door! But it's the best she can do at the moment, and who ever said parenting was easy? Here's how to navigate that minefield of belligerence.

1. Remind yourself that your child is sending you an SOS. Naturally, you get triggered when your child is rude to you. If you can take a deep breath and stay calm, you're modeling a critical skill for your child: self-regulation. Kids learn much more from what we do than what we say. If your default tone is respectful, that will be your child's default tone as well.

2. Give a gentle reminder that his tone is hurtful. But instead of a reprimand, acknowledge that he must be hurting and invite him to talk about it: "Ouch! You must be so upset to speak to me that way...What's going on, Sweetie?"

3. Be prepared for the dam to break. Your child's response to your kind invitation to talk will probably be to unleash a torrent of upset in your direction. You'll get an earful about all the reasons her life is terrible, unfair, unbearable -- and maybe even that it's all your fault! Now's the time to use the time honored parenting mantra: Don't take it personally! We all say things we don't mean when we're upset. What she needs you to hear is how upset she is.

4. Empathize. I know. He yells at you, and you're supposed to empathize? But that's what helps him feel those emotions, which is what heals them. "Oh, Sweetie...No wonder you're upset...I see..." Resist the urge to talk him out of his feelings or minimize them. Of course, he's over-reacting. He's been storing up a lot of upsets. Your compassion is what makes it safe enough for him to feel them and let them go.

5. Listen, so she can sort out solutions. As she calms down, your child may think of some solutions. They may be terrific: "Can I walk to school with Emily tomorrow?" Your response? "What a great idea! Anything else we can do?"

Or her ideas may be not so terrific: "I don't need to go to first grade...I'll just stay home!" Your response? "Hmm...I hear you'd rather stay home....school feels scary to you right now...Let's think of some other ideas that might help.... What else could we do?"

It's fine to offer ideas, but manage your anxiety so you don't steamroll your child. This problem solving process is how she builds confidence and competence.

6. Later, help him reflect on what happened. This develops emotional intelligence, by actually laying down neural circuits in the brain that allow your child to better manage his emotions. So summon up your compassion and sense of humor, and offer a gentle conversation opener: "I've been working hard to stay calm lately....But it wasn't easy for me to stay calm when you were so upset today....At first I felt hurt...Then I saw all those big feelings! I'm so glad you told me about ..." Of course, if you scold or demand an apology, your child resists. If, instead, you state your own experience and help him explore his, he'll have the empowering opportunity to see how he affects others. And you may be surprised to see him offer a heartfelt apology, a thank you, or an "I love you!"

Yes, this takes more work than sending your child to her room. But as you repeat this process throughout her childhood, your child learns emotional intelligence, empathy and problem-solving skills. You deepen your relationship with her. Finally, she realizes that she doesn't have to yell to be heard. And so do you!

Does Peaceful Parenting Mean Letting Kids Do Whatever They Want?

Tue, 04 Sep 2012 04:00:00 GMT

"Isn't there a time and a place for a parent to just plain 'be in charge'? So often, and especially now, with this new approach, she pretty much does whatever she wants...I don't want my child to be an uncontrollable brat." - Amber

It might seem like just letting your kid do whatever she wants would make you more peaceful. No struggle, right? But that lasts for about three minutes.

What makes a peaceful parent is regulating your own emotions so you can stay lovingly connected, to help your child process hers. That's what helps kids learn to manage their emotions, so they can manage their behavior -- and so they want to!

So peaceful parents are always "in charge." Young children are new on the planet, and it's our job to be their guides. Otherwise, kids keep pushing to make sure someone is "in charge" and will keep them safe. That's part of providing a peaceful, nurturing, joyful, safe home so our children can thrive.

Of course, there will still be times when your child does get to "do whatever she wants." Often, that's because you approve of what she's doing, like building a sandcastle on the beach. Sometimes it might be because she really wants something, and you decide you can live with the results, like having a sand table in the house. Sometimes it might even be against your better judgment, but you decide to give it a try and supervise her, like building a sand castle in a plastic bin in your kitchen. And yes, sometimes you'll just let things go because you're holding the baby and you can't intervene, or you just don't have the energy for a fight or a meltdown. So you decide it really isn't a big deal if she brings some sand from her sandbox and dumps it on the floor to play. That's known as choosing your battles. But in all of these cases, you're not abdicating. You're making a decision.

Peaceful Parenting means you regulate your own emotions first. Then, you try to see things from the child's point of view, so you often look for a win/win solution that lets the child get some or all of what she wants. But you don't let your child "do whatever she wants" if you really think the answer should be No. You may not think what your child wants to do is safe. Or maybe you just can't handle cleaning up another mess, because it will send you on a slide into resentment and yelling. After all, you're trying to meet your child's needs, but your needs matter, too, if you're aiming to stay peaceful!

So Peaceful Parents DO say No. And it's not bad for your child. In fact, that experience of "switching gears" between what he wants, and what you're asking, is what develops the part of the brain that gives your child self-discipline. But there IS a catch. When kids feel forced and pushed around on a regular basis, it causes resistance. That's why external discipline doesn't actually develop self-discipline. The trick is to stay connected and empathic, so your child knows you're on his side, and therefore WANTS to cooperate with your request on some level, however reluctantly.

Does that mean your child will just happily cooperate at those times? Unfortunately, no. Often, she'll still object. How can you stay peaceful and positive?

1. Stay calm. When you go into "fight or flight" your child will certainly spiral out of control. If you can stay calm, your child is more likely to cooperate. Research shows that just noticing your breathing will keep you calmer. It also helps to notice your thoughts and intervene as necessary. For instance, "Why is she doing this to me? I can't take it!" might become "She's acting like a child because she is a child...I'm the grown-up here...Whatever happens, I can handle it."

2. Empathize. If your child feels understood, she's much more likely to accept your limit. "You really wish you could...You're so disappointed...That makes you sad..."

3. Remember that children only accept our leadership because of the relationship we have with them. If they resist or defy us, it's a sign that we need to focus on connecting with them. If your child often refuses to cooperate, be sure you're spending daily Special Time. Every family I know that has made Special Time a priority has reported a more peaceful household. But the catch is you can't just read books or make cookies, you have to give your child a chance to process emotion. Otherwise, your child's full emotional backpack may drive him to "act out" those feelings. What's So Special About Special Time?

4. Renounce punishment. If you've been swatting your child's hand or dragging her to timeout, you can count on her being less cooperative. That's because she doesn't believe you're truly on her side. And she isn't developing the part of her brain that allows her to switch gears -- because why should she? She's being forced from outside, so she isn't developing self-discipline. So when you make a request, she doesn't have the brain control or motivation to comply, unless you threaten. (See What's Wrong With Strict Parenting?)

5. Look for a win/win solution. Okay, so she can't climb up on the pantry shelves. But can you get the stepladder with her and spot her to climb up? Most of the time, if you clarify your concerns, you can find a way to meet both your needs. This doesn't mean you go to heroic lengths to meet her desires all day long. It means that your child knows you're on her side, and that you'll try to balance her desires with the rest of the family's needs.

6. Welcome the meltdown. There are times when you just can't find a win/win solution. Your child's every desire does not have to be satisfied. In fact, often young humans (like adults) provoke a fight when they just need to vent. Especially if you're transitioning from punishment to peaceful parenting, your child may act up to signal that he needs your help to empty that emotional backpack.

So set a kind, clear limit and summon up all your compassion. That creates the safety for your child to show you his tears and fears. When he acts like it's the end of the world, remember that young children have big feelings, and their brains haven't yet developed enough to process emotions by talking. Accept his disappointment with as much empathy as you can, even if his anger is directed at you. Your compassion communicates that you know he thinks it's the end of the world, and you're sorry it's so upsetting for him -- but you also know that these are just feelings, which will evaporate once they're expressed, and the sun will come out again. That's how kids develop resilience.

7. Remember that being in charge means you act like a leader, not a dictator. Good leaders lead by example. They listen, try to balance everyone's needs, and protect. Being in charge means you take responsibility to provide a wholesome, nurturing environment. It doesn't mean you need to be controlling or punitive.

8. Take the time to process your own emotions about how you've experienced parents being "in charge." For instance, a mom whose own parents were authoritarian may feel strongly that she doesn't want to repeat that experience for her children. But she may get confused and not set limits at all. That doesn't help her kids. (See What's Wrong with Permissive Parenting?) And most likely, she will end up yelling when things finally get out of hand. Kids without limits always push us to our limits.

If, instead, we can let ourselves feel all those childhood emotions of how alone we felt, how hurt, how sad .... they no longer control us. We won't go into fight or flight when our kids are upset. We're free to set limits and guide our child with empathy. When we lose it, we can ditch the guilt, step up our self-care, and reconnect with our child

Letting kids just do what they want wouldn't be good for them, or for us. But the wonderful thing about empathic limits is that they help kids WANT to cooperate.

So you get to be more peaceful.

Your #1 Parenting Responsibility

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 17:46:00 GMT

"Returning ourselves back to a state of love is our number one responsibility. While it is important to our children, we owe it to ourselves, as well. We deserve to be living in a state of peace and calm." -- Heather T. Forbes

There's a reason the airlines tell us to put on our own oxygen masks first. Kids can't reach those masks or be relied on to use them properly. If we lose function, our kids can't save us, or themselves. So even if we would sacrifice ourselves to save our kids, it's our responsibility to put on our own masks first.

Kids can't manage their own rage by themselves, either. They can't find their way through the tangle of jealousy that pushes them to whack their little sister. They need our help to handle that fear that we don't love them because they somehow just aren't quite good enough. They know that if they were good enough, they wouldn't want to hit their sister, or sneak that piece of candy, or throw themselves down on the floor and scream. But they can't help themselves, however hard they try not to. (Sort of like when we eat that extra piece of cake.)

So just like with the oxygen mask, it's our job to help our child with his emotions, which is what helps him with his behavior. Unfortunately, when we're stressed out, exhausted, and running on empty, we can't be there constructively for our child, any more than if we black out on the plane. That's why the first step in effective discipline is ALWAYS centering ourselves.

How can you stay centered? The truth is, you probably can't! What you CAN do is keep returning yourself to center.

1. Notice when you're not feeling centered, whether that means you're getting anxious, annoyed, frustrated or tired.

2. Take a deep breath to calm yourself.

3. Shift your state toward love. Consciously choose a thought or action that will make you feel more centered. It might be as simple as taking a few minutes alone and breathing deeply. But even if you realize you need a big change, take a small action now to nurture yourself and move toward a better future. Every choice, deep down, is between love and fear. Choose love.

The bad news is that it takes practice even to notice when you start that downhill slide. Even harder, it takes willingness to give up your upset in that moment. It's tough work, and invisible -- no one even sees what it costs you. But would you rather be right, or at peace with yourself and your child?

And the good news is that the work may seem invisible, but the results will blow you away. With practice, you'll find yourself calmer all the time. Your child will be more cooperative, just because you're different. And when you're in a more peaceful state, you'll find that some of the challenges with your child simply melt away.

Because this work of choosing love over and over stretches your heart. Connects with your child's heart. And gives you both a bigger future.