Parenting Blog

How to stop your child's irritating behavior

Wed, 16 May 2012 16:31:00 GMT

"If you entertain thoughts that... your child is manipulating you, taking advantage of you, ignoring you, or disrespecting you -- you will often feel annoyed, irritated, and angry. However, when instead you think in terms of the needs that you and your child are trying to meet, then you are more likely to feel compassion and connection. And you are much more likely to take action that contributes to your child's well-being as well as your own." -- Sura Hart & Victoria Kindle-Hodson

Is your child's behavior irritating you? Whether he's whining, bossy, or defiant, here's why -- what you can do about it.

We all have needs -- for food, touch, fun, self-expression, independence, connection with others. Children are born completely powerless, dependent on us to meet their needs. As they develop through childhood, they're still trying to figure out how to get their needs met, and they don't always do it in endearing ways. If you want to stop the irritating behavior, you need to decode it so you can address the need behind it. Voila! The behavior vanishes!

So when your child is acting out, remind yourself that she may be using a dysfunctional strategy to meet her needs, but the needs are legitimate. Set whatever limits you need to on her behavior, as compassionately as you can. Then, consider the deeper need your child is trying to fill.

Kids who whine usually feel powerless and like they can't cope; they often just need a chance to cry.
Kids who are bossy and controlling worry that they won't get their needs met.
Kids who taunt or compete with siblings often need to feel more valued for who they are, and more connected to parents.
Kids who "don't listen" often don't feel their desires are acknowledged.
Kids who are always rebelling usually need a chance to feel more powerful and competent.
Kids who disrespect you are always showing you they don't feel connected enough to you.
Kids who are cranky or have a chip on their shoulder usually have an emotional backpack stuffed with tears and fears that they need your help to empty.

What can you do to address that deeper need behind your child's behavior? Whatever the irritating behavior, the answer almost always begins with building trust and connection. Your tools for that?

1. Summon up your compassion when your child acts out, and acknowledge her perspective with empathy even as you set limits.

2. Prioritize Special Time to connect with each child one on one every single day, with lots of giggling and roughhousing. This helps your child express those upset emotions so she can free herself of them.

3. Regulate your own emotions so you don't trigger your child's fight or flight reactions.

Once kids are convinced their needs matter to their parents -- on whom they depend to meet those needs -- they can relax and listen to their parents' agenda. In other words, they don't have to fight with us to try to get their needs met. They feel the way we all feel when our needs are met: comfortable, happy, open, appreciative. Ready to cooperate. And open to learning how to get their needs met in happier ways.

How much joy can you stand?

Mon, 14 May 2012 22:30:00 GMT

"I'm embarrassed to admit it but I DO feel like life is drudgery. I mean, I love my kids, but I get home from work and I have to constantly nag them to stop playing and do what I tell them, or we'll never get them fed and to bed."

"When we put a stopper on our capacity for joy by anorexically declining the small gifts of life, we turn aside the larger gifts as well." - Julia Cameron

Being a good parent is tough. So often, our needs come second. The exhaustion of being constantly on call wears us out. And the responsibility of keeping everyone moving through the routine erodes our sense of humor.

But as we said in yesterday's post, do you want to communicate to your child that life is about drudgery, moving from one burdensome responsibility to the next? Or do you want to model that joy is our birthright, that life is filled with joyful moments that we can seize and revel in?

Don't let stress steal your joy. Those joyful moments are what make life worth living. This is the only life you get, as far as we know, and it is NOT just about getting the kids fed and into bed every night. It's about sucking the joy out of every moment, finding the delight and connection that lurks amid the chores and chaos. And it's about raising our children to be happy, well-adjusted adults. If we don't want them popping prozac, we need to find ways to bequeath them joy. Which means reclaiming our own joy. How?

1. Inject fun into the schedule. Sure, there will always be dinner and bath and homework and bedtime. But approached with a sense of humor and playfulness, the whole process can be a lot more fun. Start by enjoying your child.

2. Keep your own cup full. Even 10 minutes spent nurturing yourself can turn your whole day around. Write a daily appointment with yourself on your calendar. Maybe every day at lunchtime, or while your child naps. Then, do something to fill your own cup. Not watching a screen; something that leaves you feeling joyful and energized. (Don't know what that could be? Start a list right now. Working out.... Talking to someone who always leaves you feeling great.... Going for a walk outside and smelling the roses.... Writing three things you're grateful for in a journal.... Flirting with your spouse....Keep adding joy ideas, so you can always find something on your list to boost your mood.)

3. Challenge yourself to find the joy in every moment. Appreciate your child's soft skin or crooked grin. Let yourself be inspired by her exuberance or his persistence. Don't expect peace or perfection -- you've got kids! Instead, soak up all that aliveness and love, all those hugs. There's joy in (almost!) every moment.

Who says joy has to be rationed? How much joy can you stand?

Kids Just Want to Have Fun: 3 Secrets to Discipline without Punishment

Wed, 16 May 2012 19:37:00 GMT

"I'd love to be able to parent this way but unfortunately my children have always been very strong willed and even though there is a part of them that wants to do the right thing, the part that wants to have the most fun generally wins out. How do you discipline them without resorting to traditional forms of punishment?"

Discipline means to guide. Punishment means to persuade with unpleasant or painful consequences. So to guide kids without resorting to traditional forms of punishment, you simply offer guidance, while resisting the urge to punish. And you parent in such a way that your child WANTS to follow your guidance, so the part of him that wants to do the right thing wins out.

Of course, it doesn't feel simple in practice. Not because offering guidance is hard. Much of that guidance comes from what we model, for instance when we speak with respect, or say please and thank you.

What's hard is parenting so that children WANT to follow our guidance. Which means:

1. Staying connected. When kids don't immediately follow our directives, it's natural to feel like yelling. But if kids don't feel deeply connected to us, they have no reason to follow us. In that case, why not just do what seems like more fun? (And let's face it, most of our directives aren't that much fun.)

Kids will always do things we don't like, because their job is to explore and test, and their brains are immature. If we respond by yelling or punishing, we erode the connection. Research shows kids respond to punishment by misbehaving more.

If, instead, we return ourselves to a feeling of compassion and see things from their perspective, kids are more likely to learn the lesson we're teaching, and choose to follow it the next time. Which of these approaches will strengthen your connection to your child so she's more likely to cooperate for the rest of the evening, and in the future?

"How many times do I have to tell you? That's it, no bedtime story tonight! Get up into that bathtub RIGHT NOW!!"

"I asked you to stop playing and take your bath, but I see it was too hard for you to stop playing, so I will help you....I want to be sure we get enough Special Time tonight....Hop on my back, Cowgirl, for a bucking bronco ride to the bath!"

2. Helping kids with their feelings. When kids don't follow our guidance, it's because something else was driving their behavior, which felt even more urgent than pleasing us. That something is always big needs or feelings. When kids can't understand their feelings, or show you their feelings directly, they act them out. (That's what we mean when we say kids are "acting out.")

When you punish the behavior, you aren't helping him with the feelings, so they burst out in some other way. If, instead, you empathize, you help your child accept and therefore manage his emotions. When kids "act out" with anger, you set limits -- but you do it with compassion so he feels safe crying those feelings out. Which of these approaches will help your child with his emotions, so he doesn't need to "act them out" in the future?

(From across the room) "You know better than to throw that! If you throw that, you're going straight to the Naughty Step! Ok, that's it! You asked for it!"

(Putting hand on arm to stop child from throwing, getting down on his level to look with compassion into his eyes, speaking gently) "Sweetie, I won't let you throw that.....It's ok to be sad and mad, but no throwing....Now you're crying....Come here, Sweetie."

3. Share joy. Of course, kids just want to have fun. That's how they're designed, to love exploring, growing, learning. That doesn't mean that kids don't need to take care of business. But it does mean that children learn best when we help them find the joy in doing what needs to be done. So instead of thinking of fun as a necessary evil that gets in the way of your child doing the tasks you assign her, think of fun as a motivating and bonding tool.

Do you want to communicate to your child that life is about drudgery, moving from one burdensome responsibility to the next? Or do you want to model that joy is our birthright, that life is filled with joyful moments that we can seize and revel in? That your child can take joy in his "response- ability" by finding new capacities inside himself?

"Why aren't you ready for school yet? Did you brush your teeth? You can't wear that shirt with those pants!"

"Wow! You got yourself dressed! You look like a rainbow! We're running a bit late, so let's work together on brushing. Can you brush fast AND well, so your teeth are super-healthy?"

The bad news is that parenting so that your child wants to follow your guidance means you have to regulate your own emotions, so you can stay connected, help your child with his feelings, and keep returning yourself to to that centered, happy state where you can find your joy and compassion.

The good news is that when you do this, your child will naturally cooperate. You'll never need to punish, because the part of your child that wants to do the right thing will gain the upper hand. Not to mention that YOU will be having a whole lot more fun.

How Can You Set Limits If You Don't Use Threats to Enforce Them?

Thu, 10 May 2012 17:32:00 GMT

"I am struggling with how to enforce limits without a consequence. For example, brushing teeth - she'll refuse. It's not reasonable for me to do it by force, so I tell her if she can't brush her teeth, I can't read a bedtime story to her. I do not understand how to set limits if there are no consequences for ignoring the limit." - Deanna

Deanna's right. If we don't punish our child, we have nothing to use against her as a threat. And brushing teeth is a perfect example, because I have never met a child who was internally motivated to brush her teeth. But look at the cost of the consequence Deanna is using:

It removes from the bedtime routine the one thing that brings her daughter closer (the bedtime story.) Result: a child who is LESS motivated to cooperate, now and with more important issues. This pattern erodes the relationship as she gets older.
It creates a power struggle by using threats to gain compliance, instead of creating a relationship where her daughter WANTS to cooperate. What will she do when her daughter is not motivated by this particular threat? She'll have to up the ante, by threatening a bigger consequence. Sooner or later, that always leads to a stand-off, unless we're willing to use violence.
It teaches her daughter that disagreements should be resolved with threats and force, rather than recognizing both people's perspectives and finding a win/win situation.

Ok, but let's agree that Deanna is reasonably worried about cavities and wants her four year old to brush. What should she do?

1. Stay calm. If you get upset, it moves your child into fight or flight so she can't cooperate. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is NOT an emergency.

2. Acknowledge the child's perspective --sincerely and with empathy: "You really don't like brushing your teeth, do you, Sweetie? I hear you, it's boring to stand there and brush when you'd rather be playing."

3. Restate your limit: "In this house, we all brush our teeth before bed. That keeps our teeth healthy."

4. Give her what she wants in her mind using wish fulfillment: "Imagine when you're a grownup -- you can decide for yourself! Maybe you'll decide NEVER to brush your teeth! Or maybe you'll have toothpaste that tastes like the most delicious chocolate and you'll LOVE brushing!" Brain scans show that when we imagine having what we want, the brain shows satisfaction as if we actually have it, so this helps your child feel better. And using imagination to "think" about the issue gives your child more access to the rational brain. Finally, you're showing her that you do care about her happiness, even when you can't say yes to what she wants.

5. Find a win/win solution. If you think outside the box, you can always find a solution. Just your commitment to doing so will enlist your child in helping find one. "Hmm... you don't want to brush but we need to....What can we do to make it fun?....

Want me to read to you while you brush?
Want to brush Teddy's teeth and then I'll brush yours?
Want to brush MY teeth and then I'll brush yours?
Want me to sing your favorite song to you while you brush?
Want me to hold you up here so you can look in the mirror while you brush, and I will make funny faces at you in the mirror?"

There are a thousand ways to make brushing teeth more palatable to your child. Play usually works best, especially if she gets to "make" someone else -- Teddy or you! -- do what she is resisting. Of course, what works will change over time. But eventually, your child will develop the habit, and will brush, on her own, without threats. (Fair disclosure: my 16 year old still reads to herself while she brushes because I used to read to her while she brushed. She gets involved in the story and just keeps brushing. She must have the cleanest teeth in her age group.)

Is this more work than just making your child brush? Yes. But look what she's learning:

Mom cares about what I want and tries to work with me (i.e. cooperate) instead of just using her power to force and threaten. That makes me want to cooperate with her.
People can have different perspectives and needs; if we think outside the box we can always find a solution that works for everyone.
Brushing teeth isn't so bad. It's even fun, because I get to feel close to Mom.
I LOVE my mom. She's awesome.

What more could you ask?

How to Act Like a Grown-Up

Wed, 09 May 2012 15:07:00 GMT

"Since I have found your daily posts, I am more patient with my children and I can see that they are happier and better behaved. Does being an alpha dog mean I need to be more strict again?" - Karen

"The example discussing "dominance," "leadership," and "alpha" are all concepts that are considered out-dated, made obsolete by further scientific investigation of behavior both in domestic dogs and in wolves." - Christie Circle

Yesterday's post on the need for parents to be leaders in their homes turned out to be controversial, because the whole concept of the "alpha dog" is apparently so loaded. Just to be clear, I did not use the words "dominance" or "strict" in the post. The quote referred to the "alpha dog" taking care of and protecting to create a sense of safety.

I wrote the post because some parents have a hard time setting limits. They feel overwhelmed and anxious, so they give a thousand warnings instead of taking action. Their children respond by ignoring them, "not listening" and acting out. Not surprisingly, things get out of hand and the parents end up yelling. I was urging those parents to act like the grown-up, but I shouldn't have used an example from another species!

So just in case you interpreted the alpha dog idea as signaling dominance, strictness, or not being patient, please let me clarify my message: Parents have a responsibility to act like the grownup. Unless they do, their children will not feel safe.

What does it mean to act like the grownup?

Creating an environment that brings out the best in everyone in the family, which includes nurturing, protecting, and creating expectations based on values.
Regulating our own emotions first. That's how children learn to regulate theirs.
Setting limits with empathy.

My post mentioned all of these points. But what seemed to get everyone's attention was the idea of limits. I heard from a number of parents who wondered if they were being strict enough. So let me clarify.

1. It is our responsibility to guide our children. They can't run into the street, throw their food, or sock their sister. If we don't offer that guidance with clarity, kids will keep pushing the limits until they find out where the limits really are. If we keep stating a limit and then don't stick to it -- for instance, we give repeated warnings from across the room instead of moving in close and helping our child turn off the screen -- we're teaching kids to ignore our guidance.

What if your child cries or rages when you set a reasonable limit? That's healthy. She's allowed to have her feelings. She needs to express them in the safety of your love. And often her feelings aren't even about your current limit. If you can stay compassionate when she gets upset, she'll empty that bulging emotional backpack and emerge feeling connected, happy and cooperative. She might even tell you what was really upsetting her, which may have nothing to do with your limit.

2. It is NEVER necessary to guide by being anything less than patient and compassionate. When parents are "strict" they're using fear. When children feel even a little afraid, learning shuts down. When we blame, kids are less likely to take responsibility. So strict guidance doesn't actually teach, it simply scares kids into obedience. It teaches them to sneak and lie. By contrast, when kids feel understood, they're more likely to accept our limits and even, eventually, to own them.

The only effective way to set limits is with empathy: "You wish you could stay up....but it's time for bed, Sweetie." Here's a whole article on this: How to Set Effective Limits for Your Child.

So if you're yelling, you're creating an unsafe environment for your child. You're undermining your relationship. And you aren't taking responsibility for acting like the grownup. I know it's really hard to stop yelling. But I've seen many parents do it. If you need support, please reach out for it.

As the Dalai Lama says "Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible."

3. Connect before you correct. Children only accept our guidance because of who we are to them, so a close relationship always comes first. In fact, 90% of your relationship should be about connection. Only 10% should be about correction. Wondering if your relationship is close enough? If your child often "doesn't listen" or seem to want to cooperate, then your relationship needs strengthening and sweetening. Until you do that, your limits will backfire.

Don't know where to begin? Try to understand your child's perspective so you can offer empathy all day, every day. And be sure you're connecting daily with your child with Special Time.

So, no, you don't need to act like an alpha dog to provide safety for your child. You just need to act like a grown-up.

Are you the leader of the pack?

Tue, 08 May 2012 15:39:00 GMT

"So many dogs get stressed out listening to car alarms and traffic; guide dogs here in NY even get taken out of service earlier because the stress speeds up their aging. My dog is fine, though. He knows I'm the alpha dog and I'll take care of him. So he feels safe and doesn't get anxious." -- New York Dog-Walker

Doesn't this make you wonder about the children whose parents never appear to be quite in charge, who can't seem to put their foot down and set healthy limits? The first word that comes to mind in describing their kids might be something along the lines of "self-centered," or even, at times, "obnoxious." But maybe their behavior comes from being fundamentally anxious. So they keep pushing, testing whether someone's in charge.

I know there's a world of difference between people and dogs. But just as dogs get anxious if no one is leading the pack, kids get anxious if they fear no one competent is protecting them.

Of course, adults get anxious too, when they feel no one is there to protect them -- from crime, the ravages of illness, unemployment, or the other tragedies that beset most families at one time or another. A huge number of adults in the U.S. are on prescription medication for anxiety or depression. These are anxious times, and every one of us has days when we don't feel especially brave or capable.

But in a family, parents have a special role. Like it or not, we're the leaders. That means we guide, and model, and handle the problems, and set the expectations and norms in the family. It means we lovingly coach our kids through their bad days and big emotions. It means we create a safety net woven of our explicit and implicit demonstrations that we are in charge of the pack, and, no matter what, we will keep our children safe. We're the Mama Lion, or the Papa Bear.

Being in charge doesn't mean we act like dictators with our children. That's certainly not my definition of leadership. Leadership means creating an environment that brings out the best in everyone, so we can all contribute toward a goal.

So we decide what our family culture will be -- respectful and compassionate, for instance -- and create that. No disrespect, or teasing, or yelling, from anyone, including the parents. An acceptance of mistakes. A belief in each other's essential goodness. A commitment to values, which means limits and expectations. Yes, we set limits with empathy, and we take our child's needs into account -- but sometimes we do need to set them. That's our job, just like it's our child's job to test the limits. That's how we create safety.

Children who are raised this way -- in families where limits are set clearly, with empathy and respect -- don't usually feel a need to test the limits as much. Researchers tell us they're happier, more resourceful and less angry than other kids. My hunch is that they're also less anxious.

And my hunch is that if we could peek inside the home lives of the healthiest kids, who are considerate and self-regulating, we'd see parents who feel comfortable in their role as leaders of the pack.

Put a diaper on your head!

Sat, 05 May 2012 13:37:00 GMT

"Currently, a fantastic evening for me is crashing into my son’s bath with my clothes on, chasing him around the house with a diaper on my aqua blue bubble bath covered head, cooking cheap crappy pizza (side of green beans too, don’t worry), and reading Llama Llama Red Pajama to him. Pretty much all the same stuff I did when I was single, just now I do it with my son instead of my date. I used to run around the world looking for the exact thing I now have sitting in ... my home. " -- Mark Holder

If you're like me, you have a long "To Do" list, and at the end of the day you never feel like you've accomplished enough. This is your official reminder that your In Box will never be empty, but your children will grow up. Sooner than you think, you will be the last person they'll want to spend time with.

If your kids are still young enough to want your time in the evening, why not give it to them in a whole-hearted way? Why not turn off the computer and leave the clothes unfolded? (Kids can wear them wrinkled right out of the laundry basket, right?) Why not chase them around the house with a diaper on your head, and roar at them like a tiger? Why not have an extra long story hour tonight?

Playing with your kids isn't a luxury, it's a necessity. Kids thrive on that juicy energy; it strengthens your relationship with them. And what better way to get cooperation than making your routine into a game?

I hope you have a wonderful, laughter-filled weekend.

What about those times when your kid deserves what he's got coming?

Sat, 05 May 2012 18:53:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura, I appreciate all the posts about how to stay calm. They really help. But what about those times when my kid does something really awful -- and deserves what's coming to him?! Won't he misinterpret it if I stay calm then? How do I teach him a lesson?" -- Claudine

Because we're better parents when we’re calm, my daily inspiration emails lately have focused on mindfulness -- noticing our own moods and emotions, so we have a choice about whether to act on them.

Here's the thing to remember about that choice. We have to Choose to calm ourselves. Just like our child has to choose to "act right" when everything in him wants to act "wrong." And it's just as hard.

Claudine is describing how tough it is to choose to give our child what he needs, over giving him what we think he "deserves." But if we're honest, that "giving him what he's got coming" smacks of revenge, not teaching.

Unfortunately, when we think we're right, and the other person is wrong, it's human nature to want to let the other person know that. If they blew it, did something awful, don’t they deserve what’s coming? And if it’s our kid, isn't it our job to teach them? Shouldn’t we be showing them how upset we are? How else will they learn their lesson?

How indeed? Maybe we should start by thinking about how people learn lessons. What happens when you really blow it? Let’s say you get a parking ticket. Or somehow lose your credit card as I did recently. Or eat that whole pint of ice cream. Or forget something really important at work, that endangers your job. Does it help if your spouse or boss yells at you?

If you've been looking for just the right "consequence" to teach your child a lesson, you'll be interested to know that kids don't behave better when they're punished or yelled at, according to every study done on the subject. Like the rest of us, kids who feel threatened go into "fight" or "flight" mode. Learning shuts off. Eventually, if it becomes a regular occurrence, they develop new negative behaviors -- lying, sneakiness, tuning us out, disrespect, defiance. They resent us and stop trying to please us. So when we yell at or punish kids, we don't prevent a recurrence of the behavior. In fact, we lose influence with our child.

I'm not suggesting you just let your child continue acting "awful." I'm suggesting you adopt a strategy that will actually change her behavior. I know it isn't as satisfying in the short term as yelling or punishing when you're angry. But long term, it's a lot more gratifying, because your child not only acts better now, she acts better in the future. She feels better. And so do you.

So, (you guessed it!) start by calming yourself down. Then:

1. Consider your child's perspective. Your kid is not a "bad" person, even if he's hitting the baby, peeing on the rug, or ripping up his textbook. All of his "misbehavior" comes from his clumsy, misguided attempts to meet legitimate needs. To stop the behavior, ask yourself: What's causing him to act out this way?

2. Connect before you correct. Your child's deepest need, second only to food, water and air, is her connection with you. Your child actually depends on you to regulate her mood. And when kids feel connected, they WANT to "act right." Often, all kids need to get back on track is a warm, playful hug to reconnect and "reset" their limbic system from anxious to calm. If you're punishing -- even with timeouts and consequences -- then you're undermining your bond, which is your child's only motivation to "be good."

3. Schedule a melt-down. If your bond is close, but your child is still acting out, that signals a temporary disconnection, caused by an emotional backpack bulging with unhappy feelings. She's "acting out" feelings she can't tell you about, because she doesn't understand them herself. Step up your Special Time so she feels safe enough to cry out those tears and fears, and hopefully next time you set a firm, kind limit she'll use the opportunity to let those feelings out.

Of course you want to be firm and clear about unacceptable behavior. You need to move in physically close and say "I won't let you throw that" or "Okay, Sweetie, now it's time to turn it off." Of course you don't "give" on that necessary limit when your child cries or rages. But it's never necessary to be less than kind. And you never need to resort to "revenge" to teach your child.

After all, the "lesson" you want to model isn't how to have a tantrum, but how to regulate your emotions to "do the right thing" even when it's hard. Rather than taking revenge against our child for his awful behavior, we take responsibility as the grown up to understand the source of his acting out and help him prevent it in the future. That's how we give our child what he needs. And that’s the kind of parenting all kids deserve.

When You Feel Your Temper Rising

Sat, 05 May 2012 13:43:00 GMT

Dr. Laura, I see how all your mindfulness techniques make me a more patient mother. But I am a little overwhelmed. When I find my temper rising, what can I do in that moment? I know yelling doesn't work. I know that my inner critic that tells me I'm a bad mother just makes things worse. But how do I remember what to do?" -- Cara

You don't need to remember lots of mindfulness strategies. Mindfulness is just bringing your awareness to your own feelings and thoughts. Once you notice your "temper rising" you've given yourself a heads-up that trouble's brewing, and you have a choice about how to respond.

Your goal, always, is to stay calm. If you don't feel calm, breathe your way through the anger without taking action. Why? You'll make better decisions, more in keeping with the parent you want to be. The rational brain stops working when you're angry.

The strategy that works best will be different for every parent, and will evolve as you do. You'll have to experiment a bit. You're looking for:

1. Whatever helps you notice that you're starting to get swept into "fight or flight." It might be an exasperated sigh, your voice getting louder, or your jaw clenching. Or maybe your mind starts churning.

2. Any strategy that helps you see things from your child's point of view. If you're sure you're right and the other person's wrong, you're already moving into fight mode. So notice those thoughts building up throughout your day that your child is giving you a hard time. If you don't catch them, you'll blow up sooner or later. Reframe to something that's actually more true: "He's expressing legitimate needs as best he can; he needs my help."

Bottom line, the message behind each mindfulness strategy is the same. Your child needs loving guidance. You're human, so you'll find yourself moving into fight or flight on a regular basis. Just keep noticing, and returning yourself to a state of love.

So today's strategy is simple and easy to remember. Every single action we take can be seen as a choice between love and fear. (Fear is always lurking behind your anger.) When you feel your temper rising, choose love.

Your child is defiant.

Your child is whining.

Your child is tantrumming.

Your child forgets something.

Your child isn't listening to you.

Your child clobbers your other child.

Choose love. You'll know, in the moment, what that means. Maybe you set a limit, but you set it with empathy. Or you summon up all your compassion so your angry child feels safe enough to burst into tears and have a good cry. Or you hold out your arms for a hug. You'll know.

Choose love. And create miracles today, large and small.

Your Child's Action Plus Your Reaction = Outcome

Sat, 05 May 2012 18:46:00 GMT

"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom." -- Victor Frankl

"Dr. Laura -- Your emails on how mindfuless makes us better parents are useful, I admit. But I signed up for your email to help me change my kid's behavior, not mine!" -- Gerri

Mindfulness is not about changing anyone, it's about bringing our attention to our experience. But the magic of loving attention is that changes everything it touches -- us, and also our child. Because when we change our way of showing up with our kids, their behavior changes. Let me explain.

All parents would like to change their child's behavior at times. We want our kids to act responsible, considerate, cheerful. What are our choices?

A. Force them physically to do what we want.

B. Manipulate them emotionally to do what we want.

C. Set up the conditions of their life so they're more likely to do what we want.

D. Relate to them in a way that makes it more likely they'll do what we want.

Option A (Force them physically to do what we want) might change the behavior, and there are times when it's necessary, such as when we stop our child from running into the street or clobbering his little brother. But it only works while we're a lot stronger. Worse, it doesn't actually help our child develop into the person we're hoping he'll become.... which means maybe we're actually aiming to do something much tougher than changing our child's behavior. We want to help our child to develop into a certain kind of person -- a responsible, considerate, thoughtful, happy person. Research shows that kids who are physically forced into a desired behavior don't "own" that behavior.

Option B (Manipulate them emotionally to do what we want) can work for a lifetime to impact your child's behavior, as proven by the number of people who routinely use guilt to manipulate their grown children. But it doesn't raise the emotionally intelligent kid you're hoping for -- and it sabotages your relationship with your child. It's a powerful, but dangerous (and probably immoral) tool.

Option C (Set up the conditions of their life so they're more likely to do what we want) is extremely useful when kids are young. Baby-proof the house and your child won't break the valuables. Give her enough sleep and she's less likely to tantrum. Sit with her while she does her homework in elementary school and she's more likely to become a stellar student. But as kids get older and spend more time away from us, we have a lot less control over the conditions of their lives. So this tool is essential to help kids learn good habits, but it's not enough by itself.

Option D (Relate to them in a way that makes it more likely they'll do what we want) assumes that our relationship with our child is the most important factor in his or her development, which is what scientists now believe. Kids do what we want because they care about the relationship and because they don't want to disappoint us. Because they're more open to our guidance, they internalize all those good habits you're trying to teach and model. Research shows that kids who have good relationships with their parents become the kind of people we're all trying to raise.

So here's where working on ourselves makes sense. We all know that negative voice in our heads makes us worse parents. It sends us into fight or flight, and our child looks like the enemy. Mindfulness helps us pause before we react. Treating ourselves with more compassion helps us show up in a different way with our child.

True, our kid may still behave badly. But now we have a choice about how to react. And that's what determines whether the storm gets escalated. That's what determines whether we get to the needs or feelings driving the behavior, and solve them--so our child's behavior improves.

Your Child's Action + Your Reaction = the Outcome. Not just today's outcome. But who your child becomes, for all his tomorrows.

Do You Want Your Child To Change?

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 12:10:00 GMT

“The things that piss you off about your kids are the things you haven’t learned to love and embrace about yourself. Once you heal that part of you and accept it, your kids change – or their behavior no longer bothers you. The universe is constantly reflecting back to us where we have the opportunity to grow, learn more, love more.“ -- James Ray

When our kids push our buttons, it's always a growth opportunity. Does that mean you let your kids get away with bad behavior? Of course not. You set limits. But if you can use the opportunity to notice and heal your own issues, you'll find your limits are a lot more effective in changing your child's behavior. Why?

Because you aren't over-reacting, your child is more likely to take you seriously.
Once his behavior is no longer pushing your buttons, you'll see exactly how to intervene constructively to help your child with whatever he's signaling that he needs help with, rather than just lashing out.
When you accept your own failings with compassion, you embrace your child with more compassion, faults and all. So even while you set limits, you stay connected. Kids only behave to please us. They only listen to our limits when they feel our love.

So, why not try an experiment? Whatever is making you mad about your child's behavior, do some work on the issue in your own mind before you open your mouth to your child.

Journal about it. Vent about what would have happened to you if you had acted that way.
Find someone to listen to your tears and fears about it, without needing to fix you.
Feel all the feelings that come up about the issue. Just breathe your way through them and let them go.

Once you feel the charge dissipate, reflect again on your child's behavior. Doesn't it suddenly look a lot like an SOS? How can you answer to give her the help she needs?

This post is part of our Spring-cleaning for Your Psyche Series.

Thanks to Ana June Creative for the photo!

How to Change Your Happiness Set Point with Gratitude

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 12:12:00 GMT

"You are a great wizard. You can use your powers to practice white magic on yourself instead of the other kind. The most basic way to do that is to concentrate on naming, savoring, and feeling gratitude for the blessings you do have -- your love for your kid, the pleasures of eating the food you like, the sight of the sky at dusk, the entertaining drama of your unique fate. Don't ignore the bad stuff, but make a point of celebrating the beautiful stuff with all the exuberant devotion you can muster." -- Rob Brezsny

If your inner critic is keeping you from the joyful life you want, here's a sure-fire strategy to retrain it. Research shows that feeling gratitude transforms our biology and our moods by flooding us with oxytocin and creating more oxytocin receptors, among other changes. Gratitude can actually change our happiness set-point, which is our usual happiness level. Naturally, all those good feelings make us more compassionate parents.

Here’s how to use gratitude to tame your inner critic:

1. Daily gratitude practice. Every morning, train yourself to find at least three things to be grateful for. Make it part of your morning ritual, so that you remember to do it – as you brush your teeth, nurse the baby, drink your coffee, drive the kids to school, whatever. Can't find the time? Make it a morning ritual with your kids and let them chime in. Studies show this practice makes us feel measurably happier within a week, and raises our happiness “set-point” continually for as long as we do it.

2. Every day, find a moment to sit with each of your kids and feel appreciation. How did you get lucky enough to have this child put into your arms? Don’t let your inner critic steal this precious moment. Instead, remind yourself of how much you love this child. Let gratitude wash over you. Pour your love and appreciation into your child. You just changed your physiology, and your child’s, to make both of you happier and healthier.

3. When the upsets of daily life loom large, retrain yourself to find something positive in the situation. This may feel artificial at first, but you’ll quickly notice that your attitude really does depend on your perspective.

“Thank goodness she had this meltdown at home instead of in the store.”

"I'm getting better and better at dealing with his anger calmly."

“This is a chance for him to get out all the tension from starting the new school.”

“At least this came up now, so I can see how upset he is about it and address it.”

“She cries with me because she trusts me.”

“How I handle my child’s emotions will make a difference for the rest of his life.”

"This isn't a disaster. It's an opportunity for growth."

“Being a parent is a chance to be a hero.”

“True, my child sometimes drives me crazy. But what about those parents who so desperately want a child and can’t have one? Or who mourn a child? I am lucky, lucky, lucky to have this child, upsets and all.”

Can’t find your gratitude? Even during tough times, there is so much to be grateful for. Remind yourself of what you already know: You are so lucky to be alive.

This post is part of our Spring-cleaning for Your Psyche Series

Thanks to Ana June Creative for the photo!

It's Never Too Late to Have a Happy Childhood

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 22:19:00 GMT

"It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” -- Tom Robbins

The ability to bounce back into a state of well-being even when life throws us unexpected challenges is called stable internal happiness. Some of us are lucky enough to develop it early in life. But if (like most of us) you're still working on how to do that, consider remedial parenting.

Remedial just means "improving skills," and most of us need to improve our internal self-management skills, which is the way we "parent" ourselves. That's right, you're not only parenting your child every day -- You're parenting yourself. You carry a parent around in your head, coaching you through your day.

Unfortunately, sometimes that inner parent is more like an inner critic. If you want to show up as an inspired parent for your child, you have to transform that parent in your head, too.

And most of us need some remedial practice to learn the skills that help us maintain our equilibrium in the face of life's ups and downs. How?

1. Talk to yourself like someone you adore. Instead of berating, nurture. "You are more than enough, just the way you are...You can do it!...You Go Girl!"

2. Notice when negative thoughts hijack your mind and protect yourself by setting the story straight: "Don't worry, everything's gonna be alright....You don't have to be perfect.... Two steps forward, one step back still takes you in the right direction."

3. When negative feelings come up, hold your hand through them, like a nurturing parent. Simply breathing and accepting sadness or hurt is the best way to let those feelings go. If we can't do that, we fend them off by acting out in anger. Resist the urge to take action when you're upset. Instead, love yourself through your upset: "Breathe. It's just sadness. Go ahead and cry. Everything will look different tomorrow."   

You deserve a parent who nurtures you through life. And when you show up this way for yourself, you're more able to show up this way for your child. The result? She'll carry your loving voice in her head for the rest of her life.

It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

This post is part of our Spring-cleaning for Your Psyche Series

Change Your Mind, Change Your Feelings

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 18:55:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura -- You say that all emotion comes from our thoughts, so that we can change our thoughts and therefore change our emotions. But you’ve also written that we need to acknowledge our emotions and "feel" them, rather than ignore or stuff them. I’m confused." -- Corinne

The simple answer is that there's a difference between honoring our feelings -- and preventing them. Once we’re feeling an emotion, we have no choice except to breathe our way through it without taking action. That's how we release feelings and move beyond them.

But many of us find that we’re repeatedly swamped with upsetting feelings. Sure, we can spend all of our time breathing through them and releasing, but there’s another way – go to the source. And the source of an emotion is always a thought (sometimes known as a belief, viewpoint, or conclusion).

So while we have no choice but to honor the emotions we’re already feeling, we can completely sidestep many upsetting emotions just by noticing the thought that’s giving rise to our emotions.

"My son should love his brother. In our house people don't get mad at each other."
"My toddler has constant tantrums and it's so embarrassing. I know people think I'm a bad mother.”
My kid would lose his head if it weren't glued on. Maybe a better punishment would motivate him to remember."
"I'm a terrible mother."

Once you start paying attention to your thinking, you'll be amazed at how many of the thoughts that show up in your mind are negative, especially regarding your child. And how many of your conclusions aren't even true.

The following thoughts are just as true. Notice how much better they make you feel:

"Everybody gets mad sometimes, even at people they love. It’s normal for kids to squabble. Where’s that book on sibling rivalry so I can give the boys some help with their feelings?”
"I refuse to be embarrassed by a tantrum. Every parent has lived through this and they’re all sympathizing with me right now.”
"He does seem to be forgetting things a lot. Is he overwhelmed? Does he need a better system that I can help him develop so he’ll remember?"
"I'm doing the best I can. Two steps forward, one step back still takes me in the right direction. I am more than enough. I love my kids and I'm learning all the time how to love them better."

Did you know there are parents who stay totally calm in the face of things that drive you crazy? That's because their minds are reassuring them, instead of upsetting them. Which makes it a lot easier to find constructive solutions! As Anais Nin said, "We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are."

Why give negative thoughts the power to send you into a downward spiral? Just change your mind.

What's That You're Thinking?

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 18:55:00 GMT

"More often than not, fear doesn’t emerge as nail-biting, cold-feet terror, but surfaces instead as anger, perfectionism, pessimism, low-level anxiety, depression, and feelings of isolation. In these many disguises, fear can permeate life, leaving room for little else. It morphs from one pseudoemotion to another, rarely declaring itself, poisoning each moment it touches." -- Dan Baker, Ph.D.

You may think your moods just come out of nowhere. But scientists now believe that moods are mostly a response to what we think, usually without even noticing. So those bad moods and cranky days are often created by our own inner critics.

We can’t get rid of our inner critics – they’re hard wired. That’s how human minds are designed. They work hard to keep us safe. But every human mind generates fear much of the time. Without conscious management on our parts, fear can permeate our thoughts -- and poison our lives.

Notice how often fearful thoughts cause unhappy emotions: "If he doesn’t start using the potty, he’ll never be able to start school…I just know she won’t stay in bed tonight and I’ll end up screaming at her again…How will she ever make it in college if I'm having to check up on her homework so much?...If I don’t do something drastic to stop this behavior right now my kid will grow up to be a criminal…”

Fear is what pulls us off the high road and onto the low road of parenting. Fear is what makes us hard on ourselves and our children. Fear is what makes us anxious and angry.

That’s why fear has to be consciously confronted. How?

1. Notice your thoughts. Stop. Take a breath. Notice all that chatter in your mind. Is any of it negative? Don't let it get you down. Becoming aware of these thoughts is the first step toward changing them. Once we notice, we stop automatically believing and acting on these thoughts. We have a choice.

2. Challenge the negative thoughts. Notice each and every negative thought and stomp it like bug. Yes, even if it's "true." There is ALWAYS another, more empowering way to see the situation.

3. Reframe the thought: “No, my child will not grow up to be a criminal. He’s acting like a kid because he IS a kid… All kids sleep through the night sooner or later…No high school kid is in diapers.”

You’ll find that you can respond better to any situation from a place of calm than from your mind’s panic.

When you find yourself manufacturing negative scenarios, reprogram your unconscious mind by suggesting a happier ending: “Wouldn’t it be nice if this evening everything went smoothly at bedtime? Wouldn’t it be nice if tonight I stayed calm and cheerful and knew just what to do?”

You’ll be surprised how happy your unconscious mind is to oblige.

This post is part of our Spring-cleaning for Your Psyche Series