Parenting Blog

"Hi Dr. Laura, I was wondering if you could do a post about empathic limits. What is an appropriate response to bad behavior from an unconditional parenting approach? For example, every time I come home with my daughter I remind her that when we go inside she must take off her shoes. She often will immediately run to the couch and climb onto it with her shoes on. I know she does this precisely because she knows she's not supposed to, and now I warn her if she doesn't get down she will get a timeout. Usually she gets a timeout. I can't not respond when she does something like this. What can I do instead of a timeout?"

“You don't seem to ever discuss discipline in terms of teaching acceptable behavior.  I really think its a lot of bull to give people an excuse not to have decent expectations. Sometimes these kids are brats and they need to be aware of it.  I'm not saying that Screaming is good but it or other tactics besides hugs are necessary."

The Aha! Parenting website is actually loaded with information on teaching acceptable behavior using empathic limits, so if you aren't getting enough from these daily emails, please do some exploring on the website.  I'm hoping you'll have an Aha! moment about limits and expectations, which is this:   READ POST

Last night I had one of those difficult nights where ...my anger and exhaustion were just as raw as my 3 year old's... I was sifting through my mind...something that I could say or do to change the negative feeling ...finally it came to me from one of your Daily Inspirations ……that I could just give him an out and promise to do better and above all I wanted him to know I loved him.... I said, “It has been such a tough day and I think you need a hug” I picked him up and he clung to me like a monkey in that dark room and squeezed his body close to me so much that it took my breath away and all my anger just melted. Even though I had raised my voice and we both had said hurtful things to each other ---in the end it is just about trust and love. I said “I’m so sorry I yelled at you and you have been upset. It has been a tough night for you and for mommy and it is OK ….sometimes all of us can have good days and tough days and today was a tough day wasn’t it?  Tomorrow we will have a better day, OK?”  He nodded against me and I told him that I loved him and we continued onto our evening song and connectedness rituals that I love, like we had never had such a disastrous evening. -- Kristina

We've all had those moments with our child.  When we're stuck and we don't know what to do. When our own feelings are so raw, our frustration so intense, our cup so empty, we stop caring for the moment about what our child needs and just lash out.  READ POST

“What we’re really measuring with the marshmallows isn’t will power…It’s much more important than that. This task forces kids to find a way to make the situation work for them. They want the second marshmallow, but how can they get it? We can’t control the world, but we can control how we think about it. Once you realize that will power is just a matter of learning how to control your attention and thoughts, you can really begin to increase it.”- Walter Mischel

Can your child resist eating a treat when instructed not to?  

The bad news is that unless we specifically work at it, our self-control as a four year old seems to predict our self-control later in life. (If you haven't read it yet, you'll want to start with yesterday's post: Does It Matter If Your Child Has Self Control?)  READ POST

“If you can deal with hot emotions, then you can study for the S.A.T. instead of watching television, and you can save more money for retirement. It’s not just about marshmallows.” - Walter Mischel

Have you heard about the Marshmallow test?  It's used to measure self control in young children.  In the book Bringing Up Bébé, Pam Druckerman quotes Walter Mischel, the originator of the Marshmallow test, as support for her conclusion that Parisian kids learn self control by being forced to wait for attention and follow rigid schedules. But the Marshmallow test doesn't actually support her conclusions at all.  Today, I'll describe the Marshmallow test and why it's important for every parent to understand.  Tomorrow, we'll explore how children actually develop self-control.   READ POST

"Before we can love anyone unconditionally, we must first love ourselves. We have to give and express the unconditional love to ourselves that was not provided to us by our biological parents. We re-parent ourselves not by our parents but by our own inner source of love." -- Anne V.

"Dr. Laura, I know I can't raise healthy kids if I'm always flying off the handle, but do you have any tips on staying centered with two kids? I just don't have time to do the things I used to do to take care of myself, like going to the gym. I'm so tired all the time!" 

This comment (along with many others) sparked the series we just finished,  Nurturing Yourself while Raising Your Child.  I promised to send out the links, all in one email, so they're listed below.  READ POST

This is the last post in our series on Nurturing Yourself while Raising Your Child. Tomorrow we wrap up with all the links.

"Looked at from a spiritual standpoint, our discomfort in any given situation provides a signal that we are out of alignment with spiritual law and are being given an opportunity to heal something."--Colin C. Tipping
 
We talked yesterday about getting rid of what drains you so you feel more energetic and alive.  But what if you’ve found a whole list of things you don’t like and can’t get eliminate?  Maybe, for instance, your children--or at least some of their behavior!  READ POST

Are you Nurturing Yourself while Raising Your Child, yet? We're on the homestretch of our series, so take advantage of these last couple of emails about self-care, before we're back to kids and behavior!

“If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it." -- Anthony J. D'Angelo

Our body sends us constant signals about what's not working, in our lives.  Often, we ignore that information.  We smother it with our little addictions to make ourselves feel better (comfort food, facebooking, shopping, another latte.) But that's like having a blinking light on the dashboard of the car and responding by pulling the wires out so the light stops blinking.  The car doesn't run any better.  In fact, it will eventually break down.  READ POST