Parenting Blog

"Contemporary American kids may represent the most indulged young people in the history of the world.... they’ve been given unprecedented amounts of stuff." - Elizabeth Kolbert, in her New Yorker article Spoiled Rotten: Why do kids rule the roost?

Kolbert's right that all of us -- not just young people -- have a lot more stuff today.  This doesn't answer the other questions raised in her article about why kids don't help out, or are disrespectful or disobedient.  (We'll get to those next week.) But maybe it does address the question that's implied by the term "spoiled" in the headline of her article --  Why do so many young people today seem to feel so entitled?    READ POST

Elizabeth Kolbert's recent New Yorker article Spoiled Rotten: Why do kids rule the roost? begins with a description of a  girl from the Matsigenka tribe who lives in the Peruvian Amazon.  Like the young children I met on a trip to the Ecuadorean rainforest a few years ago, this self-sufficient, confident six year old took the initiative to contribute to family life by cleaning, cooking, and serving the family.   READ POST

Children learn to regulate their behaviors by developing an emotional 'clutch,' located in the prefrontal cortex, that can turn the accelerator off when the brakes are applied and redirect their interest in more acceptable directions....An activated accelerator followed by the application of brakes leads to a nervous system response with a turning away of eye gaze, a feeling of heaviness in the chest, and a sinking feeling...This limit-setting 'no-induced' form of shame is healthy...different from toxic shame...(where) the child feels disconnected from us, misunderstood...'bad'..." - Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell

That mild feeling of shame -- the prefrontal cortex clutch shifting -- is how kids learn to shift themselves from "forbidden" behavior to acceptable behavior. In its mild form, as Siegel and Hartzell describe, it's a universal, useful feeling that keeps us on track.  I don't like the word shame to describe this; I think it's more accurate to describe it as the voice of conscience.  READ POST

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." -- Carl Rogers

"Our wounds can heal and become our source of power." -- Gail Larsen

Sages say that raising children is one of the best paths to enlightenment because it stretches the heart and teaches us to love.  Parents have daily opportunities to dig deep in search of patience  and compassion. Luckily, we're strongly motivated by our love for our children, so we stretch.  READ POST

"Everyone has a "set point" for happiness, just as they do for weight." - Martin Seligman

"Nothing has to be different for you to be whole.” -- Stephen Levine

Do you have a list of things you’d like to change about:  READ POST

"It's as if my children are awakening in me repressed hurts and fears that I don't wish to feel. It's far easier to detach, fix, coerce, manage or abandon ship than it is to simply be present. However, if I'm not willing to own my fears and emotions, my children must continue to act them out on my behalf. While at times it's a tough pill to swallow, the more I accept the above to be true, the more harmony and joy fills our family." -- Luma, thefatherguide.com

Brilliant, right?  Our ability to self soothe and manage our own emotions (otherwise known as emotional intelligence) is what determines our child's emotional intelligence. Our children are always acting out whatever we haven't resolved.  So the greatest gift we can give our child is to resolve our own emotional baggage, so we can help our children with theirs.   READ POST

"Dr Laura --  My 4 year old hits my 9 month old. It is very hard to see any danger signs with him as he will push or hit her out of the blue. One minute he is sitting there patting her gently and cooing and then in a flash he will push her over or hit her. There is not much outward anger in his feelings so I struggle to know how to deal with the situation as I feel silly saying to him "You are angry" when he shows no signs at all of being angry or upset -- he seems to just do it for the fun of it. -  Belinda

If we saw his anger, frustration, or jealousy it would be easier because at least we could understand that.  But when he acts like a cold-blooded bully, inflicting pain "for the fun of it" or "just because he can" -- that strikes terror into our hearts.  We're afraid that somehow our child is becoming a monster.  READ POST