"Let there be times when you don't
tell someone everything you know about her problem, even if your
understanding of it is better than hers." - Guy Finley
"Self Esteem comes from feeling capable in the world, as well as from being loved unconditionally." - Ty and Linda Hatfield
Ever notice how kids don't really want to hear your solutions to their problems? Teenagers, particularly, often react with downright hostility when we give them our good advice. That's because they need to see themselves as capable. Every time we tell our child how to handle something, we're implying that he isn't competent enough to figure it out for himself. We're undermining his confidence, which erodes his self-esteem. READ POST
"Ok, you screamed at your kid. Now what? Unpack
your baggage so your kids don't have to carry it. It's all grist for
the mill." -- Lu Hanessian
Have you been trying to turn over a new leaf during this first month of 2013? If so, maybe you've been noticing how hard it is to change. Join the club!
So for all of us today, a reminder about losing it. READ POST
"I try to use positive parenting, but there
always comes a point where I'm stuck and threaten a timeout. Without
punishment, how do I enforce my limits? I can remind him until I'm
blue in the face about the things he's supposed to do, but I can't
actually MAKE him. What do I do to make my child behave, if I can't use
force?" – Lisabet
“Punishments erode relationships and moral growth.” – Alfie Kohn
This is a terrific question. How can we "enforce" our limits? READ POST
"Dr. Laura.....I probably say 'Good
Job!" ten times a day....if praise isn't a good idea, what am I supposed
to say to encourage good behavior?!" - Ariana
"What kids do need is unconditional support, love with no strings attached. That’s not just different from praise – it’s the opposite of praise. "Good job!" is conditional. It means we’re offering attention and acknowledgment and approval for jumping through our hoops, for doing things that please us." -- Alfie Kohn READ POST
"An impressive body of scientific research has
shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they
tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. Now
the point isn’t to draw, to read, to think, to create – the point is to
get the goody, whether it’s an ice cream, a sticker, or a 'Good job!'"--
If you think you should always praise your kids, you may be surprised to hear that studies show praise often backfires. READ POST
am a recovering perfectionist. Before, I experienced that I and
everyone else was always falling short, that who we were and what we did
was never quite good enough. I sat in judgment on life itself.
Perfectionism is the belief that life is broken...Wholeness lies beyond
perfection. The life within us is diminished by judgment...." -- Dr.
I first went to therapy as a young woman because I hoped it would make me perfect. Even once I realized that I'd never be perfect, I still tried for it, figuring that falling short would at least get me closer. READ POST
"All communication is either an SOS or a care package." -- Kelly Bryson
You’ve probably heard the term “Acting out’ refer to misbehaving. It actually means to act out a feeling that you can't express in words.
So when your three year old hits the baby, or your five year old throws a toy at you, or your seven year old slams the door, they’re acting out. You could respond with punishment. After all, the behavior is clearly unacceptable. But you would be missing the feeling that your child is finding so unbearable that he has to act it out. You would be missing your child’s SOS.
Should you overlook the “bad” behavior? Of course not. Move in to keep everyone safe. (In a perfect world, of course, you would do this BEFORE the SOS behavior. But families are made of humans, who by definition aren't perfect. That's ok; Love serves us better than Perfect every time.)
As you set the limit--calmly and kindly--remind yourself that there’s a reason for your child’s behavior. It may not be what you consider a good reason, but it’s her reason. And if you don’t address the need or feeling that’s motivating her behavior, you're not giving her the help she needs to behave.
Want some examples of decoding an SOS? READ POST