"How would you handle a situation when
you have to leave the park to go get your other two children and
unfortunately can't sit on the bench for thirty minutes while she
cries?" - Sandra
In our last post about setting limits with empathy, the three year old was upset about leaving the park, so the parent supported her through her disappointment, which involved tears and anger on the park bench. But that's not always an option. What do you do then? READ POST
“I'm so tired of parents who can't say No to their
child and let them rule the roost. No wonder kids today don't have any
Most parents assume that not punishing means permissive parenting. But resisting the urge to punish doesn't mean we don't set limits! In fact, neither permissive parenting nor authoritarian parenting work to raise self-disciplined kids.
Kids raised permissively may not have the opportunity to develop self discipline, which is about giving up something we want for something we want more. Kids raised with authoritarian parenting, however, don't develop self-discipline either, because they aren't choosing--they're being forced. Often, they stop cooperating, rebel, and become very good liars.
So yes, in my view LIMITS are an essential part of raising great kids. But not just any limits. EMPATHIC LIMITS. Which means we: READ POST
"The hardest thing is still to calm myself down when my
boys get wild and my buttons get pushed. I end up screaming despite my
best intentions." - Mollie
"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out." -- Erma Bombeck
Mollie's right. The hardest part of parenting is regulating our own emotions. In our last post, we talked about how to get angry less often. But what happens when your child does something that makes you want to scream, and a playpen won't work? What are your options? READ POST
Potty accidents? Wetting the bed? Peeing all over the house? Urinary tract infections? READ POST
"What I start to feel is not just anger
appropriate to the situation, but old feelings I carry from the past.
And those feelings have nothing to do with my child or the situation.
They have come up for me to take a look at them. They are part of me.
But they don't belong in my relationship with my child. They have to do
with me and the person who raised me." -- Laura Davis & Janis
Is it ever appropriate to get angry at your child? Well, it's unavoidable, if you're human. Like a blinking light on the dashboard, anger is a signal that you need to address something so your engine doesn't overheat. Ignoring it can be disastrous. READ POST
"If we don't start to correct these five grave parenting mistakes, and soon, the children we are raising will grow up to be entitled, selfish, impatient and rude adults." - Emma Jenner, British Nanny, Huff Post
"In a poll commissioned by Time and CNN, two-thirds of American parents said they think that their children are spoiled." - Elizabeth Kolbert, Spoiled Rotten, The New Yorker
Are American kids spoiled rotten? Every year a new article goes viral by preying on parents' fears. Are we being too permissive? Are we raising a generation of brats?
These articles don't cite research that substantiates their claims that parents are actually being permissive. In fact, surveys estimate that 80% of American parents have spanked their child at least once and about a quarter of parents of young children spank on a weekly basis. That doesn't sound like permissiveness to me. READ POST
"About 80% of the youth in our survey report that their parents are more concerned about achievement or happiness than caring for others. A similar percentage of youth perceive teachers as prioritizing students’ achievements over their caring. Youth were also 3 times more likely to agree than disagree with this statement: “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.” - Making Caring Common Project, Harvard.
The Harvard "Making Caring Common" project surveyed 10,000 middle and high school students about what was most important to them. The majority of the kids said they value caring for others and included caring as one of their top three values, but they didn't value it over their own happiness or achieving their own goals.
I would argue that this isn't surprising, and it isn't even necessarily unhealthy. The alarming part for me is that the young people who didn’t prioritize caring, and didn’t think their parents prioritized caring, had very low empathy scores, and were less likely to say they would volunteer on a Saturday to help at a school event or tutor a friend. All of these kids seem to be feeling tremendous pressure to achieve. And most of them thought their parents were more concerned with their achievements than with who they are.
So instead of judging our children for being insufficiently caring, maybe the real question we need to consider is what values we're modeling and teaching.
What can we do to raise kids with eternal values in today's challenging 21st century world? Teach and role model! READ POST