Parenting Blog

"I am a recovering perfectionist.  Before, I experienced that I and everyone else was always falling short, that who we were and what we did was never quite good enough.  I sat in judgment on life itself.  Perfectionism is the belief that life is broken...Wholeness lies beyond perfection. The life within us is diminished by judgment...." -- Dr. Naomi Remen

I first went to therapy as a young woman because I hoped it would make me perfect. Even once I learned that wasn't possible, I still aimed for perfection, figuring that falling short would at least get me closer to perfection.  Secretly, I thought that only by being perfect would I be good enough to be lovable.

It wasn't until I became a mother that I realized perfectionism is always the enemy of love. By definition, perfectionism is judging ourselves, our loved ones, and life as not good enough.  We reject the present moment --  peanut butter hands, tear-stained face and all -- in favor of some idealized image which can never be real, always holding ourselves back from really loving. (Because how can you love while you're judging?)  We think once we lose weight, our child gets through this phase, and our spouse gets a raise, our real life will start.  But as John Lennon once said, Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

So if you're trying to be a perfect parent and raise perfect kids, imagine going through childhood with a mother who thinks you aren't good enough.

Ready to renounce perfection?  Remind yourself, like a mantra: "I are more than enough, just the way I am."

When your child (shockingly!) turns out not to be perfect, say "That's ok, honey. You don't have to be perfect. Nobody's perfect, not even grownups. You are more than enough, just the way you are. You are such a gift to me, and to the world, just the way you are, and I love you so much, no matter what."

You might find that in the midst of imperfection, life feels a whole lot more perfect.

"Imagine that your children's behavior is a coded message. To break the code, translate what they are doing into a sentence that starts with "I need__________" or "I feel _______."  Fill in the blank, and then respond to that need or feeling, not the behavior." -- Dr. Larry Cohen
 
Sometimes we all make choices that make us feel bad about ourselves. Whether it's more cake, that comment to our spouse, sleeping through the alarm clock, or yelling at our kid, we know better but do it anyway.  Why?  We're driven by some unmet need or unaddressed feeling. If we can fill that need or resolve that feeling, we can change our behavior.

Your child is no different. Punishing him for acting on his unmet needs or turbulent feelings only gets temporary obedience, if that.  Addressing the need or feeling eliminates the source of the misbehavior and allows your child to make choices that make him feel good about himself. How?

To cranky toddler:  "Nothing seems to be going right for you this morning after we stayed up so late last night....I think we need an early nap so you can get rid of your crankiness and enjoy your afternoon."

To angry four year old: "You're yelling and very upset....I can hold this pillow for you to hit....I will stay with you while you let out all your angry and sad feelings....it's ok....everybody needs to cry sometimes..."

To whining seven year old: "You've been trying to get my attention all day....I'm closing my computer.  You have my undivided attention for twenty minutes. What should we do?"

To moping nine year old: "You seem sad and bored to me. I miss our special times together, since our family has gotten so busy with everyone's schedules. When the little ones nap today, let's have special time for just you and me."

To anxious twelve year old: "You're having a hard time falling asleep at night now, aren't you? That often happens with kids your age.  There's a lot going on --- your body changing, your friendships shifting, school getting harder.  Even I must seem different -- I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good parent for a kid who's growing up so fast but is still my little girl...Can I lie down with you for a bit at bedtime so we can chat for awhile?"

To disrespectful fourteen year old: "I notice you're snapping at me lately.... you know we don't talk to each other that way in this house....it's not like you to be disrespectful....I'm wondering if this is because you've been wanting more independence and I've been saying no to things you want to do....come sit with me on the couch and let me rub your shoulders....Let's talk about how you can have the independence you want and I can still trust that you're safe."

Watch for unmet needs like sleep, connection and autonomy.  Feelings that need to vent include anger, usually with sadness or fear right behind it. You don't have to be a detective or a therapist.  Just give your child the benefit of the doubt when he misbehaves, the chance to express himself, and the miracle of your attention.  I guarantee a happier, more cooperative child.

Guest Blog
by Jill Starishevsky 
My Body Belongs to Me

Listen to Jill Starishevsky live on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!
Wednesday February 17
MyExpertSolution.com/audio (scroll down to click on "Listen live to our experts")
(9amPT/10amMT/11amCT/NoonET)

Check out Jill Starishevsky's video on Utube.



Sexual abuse is a risk for every child.  One out of four girls and one out of six boys are sexually abused before age 18.  Here are some tips parents can use to educate their kids to prevent sexual abuse. 

1. Use a story as a tool to begin a conversation with your child.
Address the topic periodically to reinforce the message.

2. Teach children the correct terms for their body parts.  Enable them to
use language that will make them comfortable talking to you.

3.  Ask the child:  "What would you do if someone touched you on your
_______? ...Who would you tell? ... Why is it important to tell? ...What would you
do if the person said it was “our secret”?"  Encourage the child to say
they would tell a parent or a teacher right away because it’s their body.

4. Discuss the importance of the rule “no secrets.”  Put this rule into
practice : If someone, even a grandparent, says something to your child
like, “I’ll get you an ice cream later, but it will be our secret,” firmly
but politely say, “We don’t do secrets in our family.”  Then turn to your
child and repeat,  “We don’t do secrets.  We can tell each other
everything.”

5.  Keep in mind, especially when reading the book in a group setting, that
you may be reading to a child who has already been touched in some way and
is keeping it a secret.  Be sensitive and avoid making the child feel
guilty for not having told right away.  Convey that it is OK for the child
to tell someone even if he or she has been keeping it a secret for a long
time.

6.  Encourage your children to tell you about things that happen to them
that make them feel scared, sad or uncomfortable.  If children have an
open line of communication, they will be more inclined to alert you to
something inappropriate early on.

7. Encourage your children to trust their feelings – if something doesn’t
feel right, they should get away as soon as possible and tell you about
it.

_________________________________________________________________
Jill Starishevsky is an Assistant District Attorney in New York City,
thepoemlady.com, where she pens personalized pieces. Her mission to protect children, along with her penchant for poetry, inspired My Body Belongs to Me (www.MyBodyBelongstoMe.com), a book to teach children if someone touches them inappropriately, to tell a parent or teacher right away.  A mother of two, Jill is also founder of HowsMyNanny.com, a service that enables parents to purchase a license plate for their child's stroller so the public can report positive or negative nanny observations.  Through her book and her work at HowsMyNanny.com, Jill is working to open the lines of communication in order to keep children safe.

This has been a very tough week as my "second mom" passed away from cancer...E was battling me about homework and my stress level kept rising ...when she finally sat down to do her homework and requested a snack, I refused to cut up a mango for her.  Why?  It was a control thing. I was not willing to provide a snack while she did her homework (which I do every other day) b/c I wanted to show her that she would get a snack once she did what I wanted her to do.  Even just typing these words makes me realize how ridiculous it was.  After we both became frustrated and angry, she ran off to her room and locked the door.  I stood in my kitchen and cried.... 

Then I remembered what your reader, Kristina, wrote about how she hugged her little boy and told him that she was sorry, it had been a rough day and let’s start over.  It took a few times of me knocking and asking to come in before she let me in.  I went and sat next to her on her bed and told her that I was sorry, that it had been a hard week for me because Mrs. L had passed away and I was feeling sad. I said I hated when we fought ...I told her that I wanted to start the afternoon over again and that I thought we could play pretend. I would go out into the kitchen and when she was ready, she could come in the front door and pretend that she had just gotten home from school.  We would give each other big hugs and then she would say, 'Mommy, I’m going to go do my homework but I’m so hungry.  Could you please cut up some mango for me? She was very excited about playing pretend and it worked great!  We greeted each other with big hugs and then the homework was completed with less stress than usual and it was a better evening for all." -- Amy

Brilliant, right? 

How can you course correct when you see a collision coming....or you find yourself sitting in a pile of emotional wreckage?  Ask for a "Do Over!" Kids love pretend.  They instinctively use play to heal emotional wounds.  They love the whole idea of Do Overs. 

Here's how:

1. If you've been a less than stellar role model in the anger management department, you'll have to apologize before suggesting the Do Over.  Don't worry, your child won't lose respect for you.  She'll see that maturity means not being perfect but being willing to make amends and try harder.

2. Most kids need to discharge a little emotion before they're ready for a Do Over.  Don't be surprised if he bursts into tears and sobs, on any pretext, for awhile.  He's not only letting out his anger, but the fear of losing you that was under it.

3. Reconnect with a big hug before you suggest the Do Over. She needs to know you still love her before she's ready for play.

4. It's ok not to be perfect, but if you find yourself apologizing to your child frequently, it's a red flag.  What's wrong in your life that's making you lose it with your kid so frequently? You're the grownup, so you're the one who has to address the underlying issues so that you can give your child the best of yourself. There's no shame in asking for help. The shame is in reneging on your responsibility as a parent by damaging your child physically or psychologically.

5. Don't be surprised if your kids start asking for Do Overs when they've drawn your ire. Be generous and always let them start again. You want them practicing their best selves, it trains the subconscious to produce that good behavior as the default.

So next time you find yourself in the middle of an emotional train wreck with your kids, make your own Groundhog Day!  Have a family Do Over. And send your thanks to Kristina and Amy.

"In contrast to their enthusiastic, loving nature, all children (like all adults) experience times when they aren’t themselves. They lose their sunny attitude, their ability to make each day a good one... They can’t listen or respond thoughtfully to the situation around them. Their behavior goes off track, and they begin to do things that don’t work, things that isolate them from other people...Every effort to guide them sends them further off track...When our children are unreasonable, they are asking for our help. They need us to set limits for them. They also need to know that we care about them. It’s our caring that puts them back on track again." -- Patty Wipfler

When your child is acting like a little demon, it's your cue to step in. He's signaling that he needs you to hold him -- figuratively and literally.  He needs your help to work through some "messy" pent-up emotions.  He needs to reconnect with you, and with his own sense of well-being.  And he'll keep acting out until you help him.

If you punish him for misbehaving, you're not helping him learn to manage the emotions that are fueling his misbehavior.  Even "mild" punishments like timeouts isolate him and disconnect him from us just when he needs us most.

But that doesn't mean you don't set limits as necessary. In fact, a limit -- set empathically so he feels safe -- may be just what he needs to trigger a release of his upset feelings. Crying in the safety of your loving presence restores your child to a state of well-being and connection. Once he feels good again, he'll "act good" -- because our kids naturally want to please the adults they love.

How do you set limits that help your child?

1. Be kind but firm: "We don't hit....It's time for bed.....Toys are not for throwing....It's time to leave the playground."  Usually, you'll need to intervene physically to enforce the limit because kids in an upset state can't control themselves. Your child needs to know it's a firm limit.  If she senses you waffling, she'll keep fighting to change the limit rather than grieving and moving on.

2. Empathize: "I know that makes you sad and mad.....You wish you could have the candy now....You don't want to stop playing."  Feeling understood defuses the angry energy and puts your child in touch with the more threatening feelings that always hide behind anger -- sadness, hurt, fear. If you set the limit harshly, your child stays in anger and can't get to those underlying feelings he needs to discharge.

3. If your child begins to rage or cry, stay close. You've given your child a tremendous gift:  access to the feelings that were making him act out. You may think he's over-reacting, but who knows what hurts he has stored up that he needs to get off his chest? It's your loving, attentive presence that allows him to feel all these scary feelings and let them go. Hold him if you can, but if he struggles, just stay close. Be his witness. Reassure him that it's ok: "I love you...I see how sad and mad you are...so much hurting...it's ok to feel mad and sad...everybody feels upset sometimes....it's good to get all your angries and sads out...I'm right here....cry as much as you need to....When you're ready, I will hold you."

4. Reconnect. After kids have a meltdown, they're ready to reconnect with you. Don't insist they talk about their emotions.  They probably don't know why there were so upset, and feeling analyzed will make them feel less safe about trusting you with their inner lives.  Just scoop them up, hug them, reassure them that everyone needs to cry sometimes and that you love them no matter what.

Should you always set limits?  No. First be sure that what you're asking is age-appropriate.  You can't ask a two year old to sit quietly in a restaurant in the name of setting limits.  Second, be sure you're not creating the situation with your own impatience. Kids are acutely sensitive to disconnections from us and always respond by acting out; in those cases a big hug will restore everyone's sanity. Third, offer help.  Sometimes your child can pull himself together if you just offer assistance with whatever's frustrating him.

But if he seems hellbent on trouble, he's asking for your help. Give him the heaven of your loving attention, and you'll get your little angel back.