Aha! Parenting Blog

Parents' Holiday Survival Skill #1: Manage Yourself

My memories of Christmas as a child are of stress. My mother wanted everything to be perfect and got so worked up trying to do it all that it made the rest of the family crazy. I remember my dad comforting me when I was about 8yrs-old, I was crying and said “I hate Christmas” and he said “I do, too, honey. We just have to get through it.” For my kids I try to be relaxed and fun. We make ornaments for friends and family in December and give them out as we see people — gets us into the giving without thought of receiving. We take time to see the lights around town, to decorate and appreciate our tree. We talk about the other festivals of lights and remember that feasting and gifts are to make the darkest, coldest time of year merry. We celebrate the return of the sun. We relax and play and laugh and appreciate each other.” -- Amy S READ POST

Tuesday, December 13, 2011 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0) | Permalink

Tea and Sympathy

"Dr. Laura- You really made my day, and my year! I never expected you to print my letter, or to get letters from so many parents. I will look at these letters any time I need to know I am not alone and that this is all worth it. I am going to bed when the kids do, I wake up earlier, I am more rested, and more patient. Now I'm taking your vow of Yellibacy and trying to stop yelling by Christmas. My kids say that would be the best present ever so I am hoping I can really do it. Thank you to the parents who wrote, and to you. I promise I will make you proud." - Gratefully, Lindsey

"I have saved every email I receive from you, Dr. Laura, but this one (8 Essential Wisdoms from Everyday (S)Heroes) is by far the best. It is so amazing to know that there are SO MANY OTHERS out there with the same struggles as I have. I love reading these stories and I so appreciate the time you took to put it all together like this in these 8 essential wisdoms. Many brought tears to my eyes and many made me wish I knew these people so we could be friends and talk about this stuff and encourage each other. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!" - Amy READ POST

Thursday, December 08, 2011 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0) | Permalink

Did You See the Tantrum Video?

"Distress tantrums happen because essential brain pathways between a child's higher brain and his lower brain haven't developed yet. These brain pathways are necessary to enable a child to manage his big feelings. As a parent, your role is to soothe your child while he experiences the huge hormonal storms in his brain and body. If you get angry with a child for having a distress tantrum, he may stop crying, but this may also mean that the fear system in his brain has triggered, over-riding his separation system. Or he may simply have shifted into silent crying, which means his level of the stress chemical cortisol will remain sky-high. As we have seen throughout brain research, uncomforted distress can leave a child with toxic levels of stress hormones washing over the brain." ~ Neuroscientist Margot Sunderland
READ POST

Wednesday, December 07, 2011 | Comments (2) | Trackbacks (0) | Permalink

9 Ways to Avoid Helicopter Parenting

"Why do grownups have to take over everything?" -- Kindergardener, age 5 READ POST

Tuesday, December 06, 2011 | Comments (3) | Trackbacks (0) | Permalink

Comments

Anonymous commented on 06-Dec-2011 12:50 PM

So is it helicoptering to mediate social issues with toddlers? I'm asking because I have a friend whose 4yo child snatches and is often rude to my children, and when I step in to model to my kids how to appropriately handle it, the mother quips that I
should let the kids handle it themselves. what is your opinion on that?

Laura Markham commented on 06-Dec-2011 02:11 PM

Great question, and a frequent source of disagreement among parents. My view is that kids do need our guidance to learn social skills. In a more "tribal" situation, the young kids would learn from the older ones. But in our age-segregated society, who
is the four year old in the sandbox supposed to learn from? So I think modeling for our children how to appropriately handle social interactions and conflict resolution is important. That's the only way as older kids they will have these skills. I think the
reason the concept of helicoptering is so hard is that we'll all have different ideas about what's appropriate, but as long as you are intervening as a guide for your kids, rather than out of your own annoyance toward the rude four year old, what you're doing
is almost certainly appropriate.

Amy in Oz commented on 08-Dec-2011 07:08 AM

With mediating social issues with toddlers, I think it is also important to assess whether we, as a parent, are solving the problem ourselves, or giving the children tools to be able to sort the issue out themselves (once they've mastered the skill). If
I go in and dictate what will now happen for peace to resume, then that, to me, is helicoptering. If i go in and ask the children how the other is feeling, ask for possible solutions, etc then that is teaching, IMO. ----------------------- On another point
though, we shouldn't forget that "helicopter parenting" is not some new thing that parents now do (as I have heard people suggest, especially on talkback radio!) but an age old issue that has been renamed. It just used to be called "mollycoddling" (at least
in Australia and the UK. The US may have had a different term)

8 Essential Wisdoms from Everyday (S)Heroes

Two days ago I ran a note from Lindsey and asked you to share your parenting stories to make her day. The response (in the form of blog comments, Facebook posts and replies direct to my email inbox) has been a torrent of encouragement for Lindsey and for all of us, an affirmation that YES, Love actually works.

Over and over, eight essential themes kept repeating. I want to share them with you. READ POST

Thursday, December 01, 2011 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0) | Permalink

Yes, Lindsey, Love Actually Works

Yesterday I ran a note from Lindsey and asked you to share your parenting stories to make her day. The response was overwhelming--a cascade of loving, thoughtful, honest letters that brought me to tears over and over again. If you wrote, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing. I'm reading and treasuring each and every word, and will personally acknowledge your note soon. If you haven't written, it's not too late. Here's Lindsey's request.

As promised, your responses will be up on my website soon and I'll send out the link. But I can't wait to share the wealth with you, so I'm picking just a few at random to share with you today and tomorrow. All are anonymous, as promised. As you read, if you hear cheering in the distance, please know that's all the parents reading this, cheering for every step toward love that each one of us is taking. The verdict is in: Love actually works.

I've seen amazing improvement in my *very* angry son after acknowledging that there was a reason he was so angry and acting out. We have had several heartfelt conversations and I have seen a real change in how he treats his younger brother, and how he treats me. READ POST

Wednesday, November 30, 2011 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0) | Permalink

Let's Make Lindsey's Day!

"Your website does make me feel I can do better, maybe even stop yelling if I can just get enough sleep. But here is my question. Does it really work? I love my kids, but staying patient when they act up is hard. That's not how I was raised. Maybe I can stay calm during a tantrum, but I'm no saint. If I do all this, will my kids really act nicer and listen better? Or will they just take advantage of me being nice, and act even worse? No offense, but it's easy to give advice. Mostly on your website people ask for advice and you give it but we don't hear whether it works. It would make my day if there are parents who try to do all this and it actually works." -- Lindsey READ POST

Tuesday, November 29, 2011 | Comments (17) | Trackbacks (0) | Permalink

Comments

candace commented on 29-Nov-2011 10:57 AM

I had a mom meltdown the other day, and lost my cool, was really having a fit over something my 4 yr daughter was doing. She took a few steps back, didn't get flustered, and looked at me. She came over and offered me a hug, and said "You look really upset."
I was a little floored... she HAS seen my better ways, she has experienced my empathy for her and her melt downs and she is able to become a partner in the quest for balance and carry me when I need a little help in my day. It was a beautiful moment, made
possible by constantly striving for more love and appreciation.... so that when we DO have our bad moments, its not so bad.

Anonymous commented on 29-Nov-2011 11:02 AM

It completely works I promise. I found this positive parenting when my youngest was 18 months and OUT OF CONTROL. He was the sweetest kid. then we started timeouts per our doc. He got worse and worse and worse. I was yelling. He was hitting bitting ect.
I was not raised withe timeouts at my moms house. nor spanking. and mostly no yelling. I mean my mom wasnt perfect. Im sure we got on her nerves a lil and she was always stressed. So I say mostly no yelling. He is now 3. I cant tell you how happy I am I found
this type of parenting.. And now that I have proof.. I can do it and not feel 'weird?' about it cause my husband grew up in a very hostile environment. Hitting (more like beating.. He has the scars to prove it) belittleling to its finest. ect. And it does
come out in him every once in a while, NOT to that extent though. but he notices it and doesnt want to be like that. and stops dead in his tracks and walks away. Anyways kinda off topic. But I SWEAR it works and best thing I have ever done. Just try it. Trying
it wont hurt anything.. Im not saint either. nobody is. Just take a breath and jump in. Starting something is always the hardest part. I am a better parent and my children seem to be better children. more stable I guess.

Tanya commented on 29-Nov-2011 11:08 AM

I have been getting better at not yelling (a very hard habit to break!) and have noticed with my 15 year old that we accomplish a lot more in our conversations! When I yell at him he immediately gets defensive and is no longer even listening to what I
am saying. When I approach him in a more civil and calm manner, he listens to what I am saying. With my 7 year old sometimes I have to take the whispering approach because he seems to not hear very well... (selective hearing...) Also, if I try talking to them
in a calm manner and they don't seem to respond all I have to do is say "would you rather have crabby Mom tell you?" That seems to do the trick most of the time. I also believe God wants us to be patient, kind and loving mothers, so I try to remind myself
often!

Gleamer commented on 29-Nov-2011 11:37 AM

We began down a better more peaceful road 4 years ago. We have still not arrived. I am still struggling with my childhood and trying not to unload my baggage onto them. How are they supposed to be expected to cope when I (the adult) can't get a grip? Well
they aren't and they didn't. So I stopped trying to manipulate them and am continuously working on treating them as person's who's needs are just as important (not more or less) than mine. The first week was HELL. The didn't trust me that I was really not
going to resort back to rewards and punishments. We continued to grow and learn and trust. We are all doing much better now. My little mirrors reflect back to me when my behavior is not something that I want to see and I change and then they change. Much peace
and love to all of you.

Lisa commented on 29-Nov-2011 11:45 AM

The other night, I was not feeling well and my son could not fall asleep. I had it! I started to lose it, just as I'd seen my parents do every day of my childhood. I looked at my 3 year old and said, "I can't manage my feelings any more!" I think I threw
a pillow or something, and I was really yelling. He fell apart, starting sobbing, then said, "I can't fall asleep!" I realized he was totally following my lead. I took a very deep breath. I connected with myself, and tried to sort out my own feelings (I was
annoyed he wouldn't go to sleep on my schedule, exhausted & feeling sick, and wanted an easy bedtime routine). Then, I tried to sympathize with him (he was frustrated, too, and really wanted to sleep, and was scared by my loss of control). I looked at my son
and said, "I can manage my feelings, even when I feel I can't. I'm going to take a breath. Can I have a hug?" He hugged me so tightly and cried. I felt like such a better parent at that moment. It still took an hour for him to fall asleep, but we snuggled
and helped each other. So, I say this works. It makes me feel more empowered and calm, and I see the difference in my son. Just keep trying.

Vanessa commented on 29-Nov-2011 01:24 PM

With us it has been a very gradual process and on the most part me working on my own childhood issues. At first it all seemed easier said than done but I learned to appreciate every little milestone on my part and to capture in my mind those good moments
when I felt deeply connected so that when we have rougher times I can go back to that moment and remind myself that I am a good mother. My son is 3, I started to struggle when he was about 20 months, we had several power struggles, I was giving him time outs
for throwing tantrums and just this morning I was thinking I don't remember the last time he threw a tantrum, not every day is perfect but I can tell he has learned that I am ok with him having feelings and more and more he will tell me with words what he
is feeling or what he needs, the other day I was amazed when he told me he needed a hug, that was a great day over here! I did seek therapy though, it almost has been a year and there has been lots of improvements.

Alysia commented on 29-Nov-2011 02:22 PM

Hi there, Never usually post a thing on any sites but this struck a cord for sure - I have a 2.5 year old son and a 1 year daughter and in last year started to try and change my practise, reduce yelling, hug when my son tanties or is acting out - including
when he hit his sister, and a lot more talking through the issues/emotions. I find it a major struggle every day - I am a shouty lady but I can't say enough the peace of mind it gives me to have a clear plan that is punishment free (if that is the right phrase)
to handle those tough times (even when I don't do it as well as I should)and I have seen my beautiful boy return to a chilled out, non hitting, gentle wee guy again. He still yells (as do I) but he shouts "I'm so frustrated Mumma, I need a hug!" Until I started
I felt like I was floundering and to be honest failing badly as a mum - time outs just weren't doing the trick. And my boys behaviour definitely reflected that. We still use a "You look cross maybe it would be good to have some quiet time to relax and think"
strategy and he is starting to take himself off and manage himself now. LOVE IT!!!

Vanessa commented on 29-Nov-2011 02:32 PM

With us it has been a very gradual process and on the most part me working on my own childhood issues. At first it all seemed easier said than done but I learned to appreciate every little milestone on my part and to capture in my mind those good moments
when I felt deeply connected so that when we have rougher times I can go back to that moment and remind myself that I am a good mother. My son is 3, I started to struggle when he was about 20 months, we had several power struggles, I was giving him time outs
for throwing tantrums and just this morning I was thinking I don't remember the last time he threw a tantrum, not every day is perfect but I can tell he has learned that I am ok with him having feelings and more and more he will tell me with words what he
is feeling or what he needs, the other day I was amazed when he told me he needed a hug, that was a great day over here! I did seek therapy though, it almost has been a year and there has been lots of improvements.

Suzanne commented on 29-Nov-2011 04:05 PM

My daughter was 6 yrs old when I sought out information about developing empathy. She is self-described as "not liking other people" and is described by me (away from her) as "a bit anti-social". Nothing in her behavior is extreme and indicating therapy
or such is needed. I believe she is just the way she is and there really isn't anything "wrong" with being fiercely independent-minded. I do, however, want to help her to better integrate with all the rest of us who care about feelings we've hurt, etc. In
doing so, I found this website. While integrating Dr. Markham's teaching (and others I've found via Facebook shares, etc.), I've gained much more than knowledge...I've regained long-lost patience, acceptance for who she is (and is not) and my own empathy skills
towards her. Her response to my changing of ways has ignited my resolve & desire to try again (sometimes even restarting in the same day or conversation!) My heart bursts with love when we seek out hugs from each other when times of disharmony have occurred.
I want to do a dance of happiness when I've ducked the assault that came at me and can still respond with an attitude of acceptance for what she's expressing and a heart that hasn't shielded myself from her, as I did in the past. In turn, she doesn't feel
she has to defend herself from me. She has allowed talking things through and considerate action to prevail more often than not, and that feels huge! Rather than seeing her actions, behavior and such through dirty glasses (as I think of my previous thinking),
I am reminded that what is happening is just what it is...it is me who "puts a spin on it" and changes what I perceive to be happening. She is a child (only X amount of days old as I've taken to reminding myself!) She is doing the best she is able to with
her natural temperament, the abilities she possesses and the environment that is around her at the time. And, so am I. Thankfully, each day I am getting better at slowing things down, bringing us all back into a place of love and helping us to move forward
together, whereas, in the past, she might have felt left behind as the 3 of us like-minded people just continued on.

Jo commented on 29-Nov-2011 05:08 PM

It absolutely works. It doesn't start working overnight, and there's no obvious step by step guide for what to do in difficult situations, but the more you adopt this approach, the more connected you become with your child, and the more able to judge what
they need, and why they are behaving in certain ways. My son, now 4, can be very controlling and wilful, and I really did find that once I threw out the reward and punishment approach, and took this direction, the fighting and power struggles became less and
less over time, and I no longer ever feel the need for things like time outs, and am so glad, mainly for my son's sake, that I turned my back on those methods. Have confidence in yourself and in your children.

Aimee Fogler commented on 29-Nov-2011 06:37 PM

We've been having some issues with my 2 year old lashing out and hitting our 3 month old. I keep my cool and have spent time with her explaining jealousy and told her to tell mommy when she feels that way. A few weeks ago my youngest needed my attention
and my 2 year old threw her arm up to hit her, stopped for a second and said "I feel jealous!" Now weeks later she for the most part has stopped the aggression towards her sister. When she tells me feels jealous I find ways to include her and help her work
through the feelings.

Gis commented on 29-Nov-2011 07:21 PM

Only a single incident...last night my 4yo started to have a meltdown after I removed a toy she was playing with roughly. She was screaming "Give it back to me". I knelt down next to her and held out my arms for her. She held on to me tightly and cried
into my shoulder. When she had calmed a little, I asked her, "Are you feeling angry that I took the toy away from you?" "Yes, I'm angry," she nodded and sobbed a little more. After a short time, she looked up at me and said, "I love you". We kissed and moved
on. Later that evening, I mentioned how big she is getting. She nodded and said, "I still cry sometimes." "I cry sometimes too," I replied. She nodded, "It's ok to cry."

karen commented on 29-Nov-2011 09:15 PM

Until my older son was ~7 we had few "problems." Later, when I learned about Aha parenting, positive parenting, etc, I realized that I was doing a lot of these things in his early years. Various things happened (long story) that changed the dynamics. Also,
my husband always had a different way of doing things (from his upbringing). It got very bad. It's taking a long while to get back to what we used to have, but we ARE getting there. It DOES work. I was talking with the counselor in his school the other day
and she said he is very aware of and able to verbalize his feelings - more so than many adults! It helps, it does. It helps to share with our kids what we are going through. To show them when we make a mistake. (certainly w/in their understanding). Hang in
there. And, yes, they may very well act worse before they act better! (It doesn't all happen all of a sudden as in some stories.) Just keep doing it. Keep working at it. I even have hope that my husband will come around (after 40 years of doing things his
way)!

Laila commented on 30-Nov-2011 01:05 AM

It totally works...when we are able to work with our 3 yr old (which we succeed at most of the time) she is more cooperative and works with us towards the same goal. There are times when we just can't keep it together anymore and those are the times when
we see the "fight or flight" and the power struggles and as soon as we pull back the switch in her is amazing to watch.

Jennifer commented on 30-Nov-2011 08:47 AM

i want to be a loving and compassionate parent, yes, but i am also a practical person. i want results --> a child who is emotionally healthy and emotionally intelligent. if i thought for a minute that this connection-based parenting style was resulting
in a bratty, selfish, entitled, walk-all-over-you kid, i would drop it like a hot potato and look for something else. thankfully, i don't have to, because i find just the opposite. my daughter is almost 9, we have a great connection, and she is thriving and
a pleasure to be around. that's not to say i do it "right" all the time -- i don't, i lose it plenty, i fall off the path on a regular basis. when i do i correct, i apologize, and i say how i hope to do it next time. yesterday my daughter got upset about something
and stormed off into her room. 15 minutes later she came out, crawled into my lap and said 'mom, i'm sorry i yelled at you. it's not your fault, i just had a bad day today at school, and i took it out on you. that was wrong of me. next time i will try to talk
to you about it first, or hit a pillow, or something. i love you and that's not how i want to treat someone i love.' i about fell over! it took me 40 years to learn how to do that (access my emotions, apologize, take responsibility, etc.) and she already does
it better than me at age 8! deciding to consciously parent differently than how you were raised is one of the toughest, transformative, and ultimately wonderful things you can do. hang in there, lindsey, IT WORKS.

Leslie Jackson commented on 30-Nov-2011 05:10 PM

It works - but it is probably THE hardest, wait - it IS the hardest "method" of parenting probably because our parents didn't parent us this way and we're not only trying to mold our children we're RE-training ourselves to go against what is woven into
the threads of our being. I not only notice that when I am determined to effectively parent through empathy and emotional intelligence, I am closer with my children and I feel much better about what would normally make me feel frazzled and overwhelmed. I've
shared similar moments where when I get upset, my child (3 years old) tries to help me understand my feelings and expresses to me how my yelling made him feel. My motto has become - when they are acting their "worst" love them THE MOST - because that is when
they need it. You have a great deal of support here from imperfect people who are daily fighting the same battle. Keep at it and never feel alone.

Claire commented on 08-Dec-2011 12:08 PM

I don't even have time to read all the wonderful stories above, but here's a quickie to share. Sometimes, I try to catch myself when I'm in the middle of a directive comment like, "(Name), you need to..." or a critical comment like "(Name), you forgot
to..." and INSTEAD just PAUSE and say "(Name)... I love you." Being mindful truly puts my moment in a better context of what is important: connection. Best part: now both my kids spontaneously do the same thing! How heartwarming to hear "MOM? I love you,"
out of the blue, not "MOOOOOM! I need...". Also, lets me know I'm doing something right, teaching this spontaneous expression of love and appreciation. ♥

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Parents' Holiday Survival Skill #1: Manage Yourself

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Tea and Sympathy

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Did You See the Tantrum Video?

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9 Ways to Avoid Helicopter Parenting

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8 Essential Wisdoms from Everyday (S)Heroes

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Yes, Lindsey, Love Actually Works

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Let's Make Lindsey's Day!

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Parents' Holiday Survival Skill #1: Manage Yourself

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Tea and Sympathy

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Did You See the Tantrum Video?

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9 Ways to Avoid Helicopter Parenting

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8 Essential Wisdoms from Everyday (S)Heroes

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Yes, Lindsey, Love Actually Works

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Let's Make Lindsey's Day!

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Copyright © 2012, Dr. Laura Markham. All rights reserved.

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