Parenting Blog

My Aha parenting moment this week comes from my Pregnancy.org forum.  I regularly reprint letters from that forum here (without identifying info) so that more parents can benefit from the answers.  You can also join me for a free online chat once a month at Pregnancy.org on Wednesdays.  READ POST

“Raising children, for me, was really about listening. I put myself in their shoes for a minute and really tried to imagine myself at that age. I always want my children to know that they’re heard.” — Kyra Sedgwick

Want your kids to listen to you?  As in, listen to your guidance, and do what you tell them?

If you just give commands, you have to keep escalating to get your child's attention.  And when you aren't in the room, who knows what they'll do?  Research shows that the parents who have the most influence on their kids are the ones who listen.  Their kids feel heard, understood, appreciated.  In return, they're more likely to understand and appreciate their parents' point of view.

Becoming a good listener is a skill that takes practice.  The first exercise is closing the mouth.  Is it a coincidence that the letters in the word “LISTEN” also can be used to spell “SILENT”?  READ POST

My Aha moment this week came while I was watching my daughter’s trampoline class yesterday.  Just before her group, a class of four year olds had finished.  It was 6 pm, and these kids were hot and tired.  Avoiding meltdowns would take very attentive parenting, so I watched with interest.

One mom, gathering her brood, says, “Now we’re going home and you’ll take a bath while I make dinner.”  She definitely got points for letting them know what would be happening, which helps kids feel less rebellious.  Her 4 year old, who is dripping sweat, says “A COLD bath!” 
  READ POST

“You don't drown by falling in water, but by staying there."
--Tina Nocera

When you walk into your home, do you feel wonderful?  Or like you're drowning?

You know all those things you walk past and sigh?  They wear you down, or build resentment.  They slowly poison you and your family. It's Spring!  What better time to give your home a once-over so that it better supports your family? 

This weekend, gather your family for a few hours.  If the kids resist, explain that in a family everyone pitches in and works together.  Grab a pad of paper, a box, and garbage bags. Walk through your house together.  Anything you're ready to give away goes in the box. Anything you can throw away goes in the garbage.  Anything that repeatedly annoys you gets written down on the pad.  (Each person is limited to four things, so the list doesn't get overwhelming. You can always do this again next month!)

Then sit down over pizza and talk about your list.  What can you fix today?  Keep the list manageable and give everyone tasks according to their age and ability.  Brainstorm how the whole family can tackle the remaining issues over the next month.  If an item will cost money, budget how to accomplish that goal over time.  Set up a jar, label it, and celebrate as everyone starts contributing funds (in the form of cash or checks).

Fix as many things as possible this weekend and then celebrate with ice cream. Brainstorm together how you can keep your home feeling this orderly in the future. Your whole family will feel more connected, energetic and empowered. Your kids will have learned some terrific lessons. And you'll begin next week feeling like you can walk on water.
 
May your weekend be filled with miracles, large and small.   READ POST

“It’s time to start living the life you’ve imagined.”
-- Henry James

You know all those interactions you wish you could do over?  You can't change history, but you CAN rewrite the script and create an alternative version in your mind.  Why bother?  First, the feelings you take away will be positive, not toxic.  Second, you'll be modeling for yourself the way you want to act in the future.  Your mind files that away as a blueprint and you have the option of acting more positively next time.  Think of it as Emotional Muscle-Memory.

Tonight before sleep, find one thing that you did really well with your kids, that you're proud of.  Soak in that fabulous feeling.  Then, while you feel so good, find one thing you did with your child or family that you want to do differently next time. Don't beat yourself up, stay positive. Use your pause button as you play it in your mind like a newsreel.  See yourself handling the situation beautifully next time.

This takes a little discipline at the end of the day, but it can change your life.  It's such a powerful tool that you may find yourself using it every night.   READ POST

"Is there a way to change how we experience the hair-pulling challenges of mothering?  Can one truly alter her feelings in the midst of the supermarket trip from hell? … there is always another way to see the situation, a way that potentially offers greater peace, comfort, acceptance, and balance than our initial response.”
-- Bethany Casarjian, Ph.D. & Diane H. Dillon, Ph.D.

Baffled about what you should do when your kid does something you don’t like, and you're too upset to think straight?

There are always times when we simply can't get our emotions into alignment with our conscious desire to be a patient parent. When this happens, sometimes we have to act our way into who we want to be, and let our feelings follow.  So if you don't know what to do, think about someone whose parenting you’ve admired.  Your friend, teacher, mom, even your own awesome inner parent who you sometimes are.  Act as if you’re that person you admire. Imagine her on your shoulder whispering guidance in your ear.  Act as if you know what to do.  Then do it!

What would Jesus, Buddha, a joyous mother, do?   Act “as if.”   READ POST