Parenting Blog

I'm excited to tell you about an upcoming interview I’ll be giving as part of the Great Parenting Show, hosted by Jacqueline Green. She'll be downloading the wisdom of some of the world's top parenting and self-help experts, and all three months of interviews are available to you at no charge.  You can listen online to avoid long distance fees, and the best part is that you can ask questions of each expert during the interview via web. 

I'll be speaking on Tuesday, April 24, on the topic Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting.  As you know, this is a subject I'm passionate about -- and I can't wait to answer your questions! If you can join me, please put this call on your calendar now.  READ POST

"Parents who are serious about raising children to be decent people spend an awful lot of time guiding them. It's not enough for us to have good values; these values must be communicated directly... For instance, to say nothing when a child acts selfishly is to send a clear message, and that message has more to do with the acceptability of selfishness than it does with the virtues of non-intrusive parenting. We need to establish clear moral guidelines, to be explicit about what we expect, but in a way that minimizes coercion."

"The inevitable result of consistently employing power to control your kids when they're young is that you never learn how to influence." - Thomas Gordon

How do you raise a child who assumes responsibility for her actions, including making amends and avoiding a repeat, whether the authority figure is present or not?  READ POST

"Dr. Laura....How do you hold a child accountable for his behavior without punishment?"

"I recently read a quote from a Finnish education minister: "There's no word for accountability in Finnish...Accountability is something that is left when responsibility has been subtracted." - Teacher Tom

What does it mean, to hold our child accountable for his behavior?  My definition would be that our child assumes responsibility for his actions, including making amends and avoiding a repeat, whether the authority figure is present or not.  So, really, it isn't about "holding our child accountable."  What we want is for our child to step into responsibility, to hold HIMSELF accountable.  Once someone takes responsibility, we don't have to "hold him accountable."  READ POST

"Special Time has made a big difference, but how do you hold a child accountable for his behavior without punishment? For instance, what do I do instead of timeout when he blows up?"

Ok, so you've noticed that timeouts and other punishment just invite more power struggles and rebellion, so you've stopped punishing. You're even spending 20 minutes of special solo time connecting with each child daily, during which there's lots of roughhousing and giggling to vent emotions and strengthen your bond.   READ POST

“Dr. Laura..Since I stopped punishing, things are a lot better at my house. But I want to be sure that I'm teaching my kids the right lessons so they're responsible...What do I do when they hurt each other, or break things, or lie?"

How do we teach the fundamental lessons of behavior to our children so they're responsible?  Mostly, by modeling.  Do you blame someone else when things go wrong?  Tell a white lie on the phone while your child is listening?  Ask your child to lie about his age to get into the amusement park? Scream when you don't get your way? Unfortunately, children won't always do what we say, but they will always do what we do.  READ POST

"Hi Dr. Laura, I was wondering if you could do a post about empathic limits. What is an appropriate response to bad behavior from an unconditional parenting approach? For example, every time I come home with my daughter I remind her that when we go inside she must take off her shoes. She often will immediately run to the couch and climb onto it with her shoes on. I know she does this precisely because she knows she's not supposed to, and now I warn her if she doesn't get down she will get a timeout. Usually she gets a timeout. I can't not respond when she does something like this. What can I do instead of a timeout?"

“You don't seem to ever discuss discipline in terms of teaching acceptable behavior.  I really think its a lot of bull to give people an excuse not to have decent expectations. Sometimes these kids are brats and they need to be aware of it.  I'm not saying that Screaming is good but it or other tactics besides hugs are necessary."

The Aha! Parenting website is actually loaded with information on teaching acceptable behavior using empathic limits, so if you aren't getting enough from these daily emails, please do some exploring on the website.  I'm hoping you'll have an Aha! moment about limits and expectations, which is this:   READ POST

Last night I had one of those difficult nights where ...my anger and exhaustion were just as raw as my 3 year old's... I was sifting through my mind...something that I could say or do to change the negative feeling ...finally it came to me from one of your Daily Inspirations ……that I could just give him an out and promise to do better and above all I wanted him to know I loved him.... I said, “It has been such a tough day and I think you need a hug” I picked him up and he clung to me like a monkey in that dark room and squeezed his body close to me so much that it took my breath away and all my anger just melted. Even though I had raised my voice and we both had said hurtful things to each other ---in the end it is just about trust and love. I said “I’m so sorry I yelled at you and you have been upset. It has been a tough night for you and for mommy and it is OK ….sometimes all of us can have good days and tough days and today was a tough day wasn’t it?  Tomorrow we will have a better day, OK?”  He nodded against me and I told him that I loved him and we continued onto our evening song and connectedness rituals that I love, like we had never had such a disastrous evening. -- Kristina

We've all had those moments with our child.  When we're stuck and we don't know what to do. When our own feelings are so raw, our frustration so intense, our cup so empty, we stop caring for the moment about what our child needs and just lash out.  READ POST