Parenting Blog

In the United States, we often make a cultural presumption that teens and young adults who are close to their parents are less independent in their lives.  That's not true, says recent research.  In fact, young adults who feel they can share honestly with their parents say they feel free to make independent decisions and don't feel the need to rebel against their parents' expectations.

Dr. Yanir defined a close relationship with parents as one in which children talk with their parents often and regularly spend time together (eating meals together, for example), and one in which a child feels comfortable sharing his thoughts and experiences with his parents.  She distinguished between parent-child connectedness and relationship-orientation, which refers to the child's need to satisfy his parents and fulfill their expectations. Connected kids may share with parents and solicit their advice, and still make independent choices and decisions.

"An independent young adult is one who exhibits independence not only in his day-to-day life but also in the emotional sphere, and who makes his way in life with emotional and intellectual autonomy," Dr. Yanir explained in an interview in Science Daily. "The research found that following adolescence, the familial connection is an important factor in forming one's identity and living an independent life. It seems that not only can independence and closeness exist together, but they actually flourish together."  READ POST

I was asked by a parent recently, "Why do you talk about public policy?  Aren't you a child psychologist?"

I talk about public policy because as a psychologist I know how much babies and kids need their parents, and because as a mother I know how challenging it is for parents nowadays to live balanced lives and be there for their kids. 

Parents need to know that their intuition about how hard this is is correct, that we are trying to do what most previous generations have done only in the context of not only an extended family, but usually a whole village. 

And because if parents, who understand better than anyone, do not advocate social policies that support families in raising healthy children, then we cannot expect those policies to ever be adopted.  This is not a hopeless situation.  There are answers, better ways of living and raising our children.  Together, we can advocate for public policies that allow all childrens' basic needs to be met.  READ POST

Most senior citizens say they wished they had spent more time with their children, and that the years of child-raising, in retrospect, passed in the blink of any eye. Most fathers, and even more mothers, say that they want to spend more time with their children, especially in those tricky afterschool hours when kids could use supervision on their homework.   READ POST

Let's be honest about babies and toddlers.  They need us.  Developmentally, they need the concentrated loving attention of a permanent attachment figure who adores them.  (Which by definition excludes paid caregivers.)

Women in our culture are given a terrible, unfair choice:  either meet our children’s needs or meet our own. Excuse me, but why aren’t men faced with this choice?  READ POST

A mom asked me this week, "What can parents do to raise great kids, given that babies and even older kids need us so much, but we need to work?"

There’s no perfect solution, but many parents are navigating a way through the maze of options, putting together a life that works for them and for their children.

1. Choose professions that offer more flexibility, even if less money.

2. Arrange for both partners work part-time while children are under six so that both share in early child raising.  Later, more flexibility and fewer hours than most fulltime jobs.

3. Use technology as a servant, not a master.  Carve out protected family time.

4. Pay conscious attention to who does the work at home.  Share it.

5. Prioritize relationship and ritual. (Choose dinner with friends the first Friday night of each month over the latest movie opening.)

6. Space children three years or more apart to maximize individual parent-child relationships.

7. Consciously create home as a calm, safe, warm refuge. (Resist over-scheduling, over-stimulation and stress.)

8. Live stated values. (No grand theft auto or shoot-em-up computer/video games.)

9. Embrace individuality and nurture individual passions, which are protective for kids in the face of cultural and peer pressure.

10. Nurture the family as a whole (do things together as the default.)  READ POST

Drop a frog into boiling water and it will jump out.  But put the frog in cold water  and gradually heat it to boiling, and the frog will stay in the water until it dies.  READ POST