Parenting Blog

 This is #7 in our series on Nurturing Yourself while Raising Your Child.

"Dr. Laura, I'm great with my kids on vacation.  But most of the time, I'm just so stressed out, my default is yelling!" -- Camille

As every parent learns, you can't be a good mom or dad when you're stressed out, no matter how positive your intentions.

It's true that modern life creates stress, but it's also true that what stresses out one person may just roll off the back of another.  Each of us has a responsibility as a parent to manage our own stress.  After all, do you want your kids to have the best of you -- or what's left of you? 

A three pronged approach works best:

• Pare down the stressors in your life.
• Keep your cup full so you can parent with more energy and calm.
• Retrain your attitude so you notice as you slip into stress-mode.

Here are ten stress-busting strategies you can use starting today.

1. Give up your perfectionism.  You're more than enough, just the way you are.  There are no perfect people, and there are no perfect parents. Trying to be perfect tightens a vise around your heart. Loving yourself – really feeling your love for yourself – is the single most important thing you can do for your kids.  Practice positive self-talk.  Find ways to nurture yourself.  If you simply have to evaluate yourself as a parent, never judge yourself by your child's behavior, but by your reaction to it.

2.  Cut your kids some slack.  Kids aren’t bad, they’re just young.  The fact that Michael clobbered his playmate or Jillian smeared poop on the wall doesn’t mean they’ll be psychopaths.  When they’re hardest to love is when they most need our love and understanding.  On those days when you're ready to tear your hair out, remember that moment when you first held your child and how lucky you felt.  This is your baby, showing you as best he can that he needs your help.

3.  Pay attention to breathing, calmly and deeply, as often as you remember, all day long.  Late for an appointment?  Breathe.  Kids just dump their toys in the toilet? Breathe.  Breathing lessens stress.  It brings us back into the moment and we realize:  "Ok, I can handle this."  Remembering to breathe may sound simple, but it will change your life. Put up post-its all over and train yourself: Breathe!

4.  Pare down your schedule.  Prioritize your kids and your relationship.  Then drop anything else you can.  Your house can stay a mess a little longer.  Serve scrambled eggs for dinner.  You don't have to prove anything but love.  You’ll thank yourself.  Your kids will thrive.
 
5.  Twenty minutes of sweat inducing activity daily will cut cortisol levels, put you in a good mood, and burn fat.  Exercise is the best stress reducer there is, after deep breathing and getting enough sleep.  What more incentive do you need?  Turn on the music and get your kids dancing with you!

6.  Sleep.  Sleep is an essential stress buster.  This is the hardest one because it feels out of your control. Get enough sleep, even if it means going to bed when the kids do.  Don't worry, these years are over fast.

7.  Postpone anything but love.  Most of us know how to be more peaceful parents.  It's just managing our own reactions that's hard.  So when things go wrong, STOP.  Remind yourself that it's not an emergency. You don't have to teach your kid a lesson this moment.  In fact, all you have to do right now is keep everyone safe and return yourself to Calm. Anything you need to say to your child, you will say better once you're calm and able to re-connect with your child.

8.  Count your blessings and cultivate optimism.  Every time you start to feel negative, find as many things as you can to be grateful for, and really feel that gratitude.  Research shows this practice reduces stress and improves health and happiness.

9.  Find support. Parenting is the hardest job there is.  We ALL need support, someone we can vent to who won't judge us or try to fix us.  If you need more of that kind of support in your life, find other moms with whom you feel comfortable and start building new friendships. Listen to parenting audios that soothe and inspire you. Find yourself a parenting coach with whom you can check in occasionally.  Even the simple act of writing in a journal is a way of supporting ourselves and coming to peace with things that bother us.

10.  Find spirit in your life.   This doesn’t have to mean a higher power, just whatever inspires you to connect with your deepest wisdom.  For some of us, it’s as simple as a walk in the woods or gazing at the stars.  Your kids benefit from quiet time in nature too.  We all need to reconnect regularly with the miracles that make life worth living.