Parenting Blog

"I have so many of your quotes around my computer screen here at work that help me throughout the day, mentally prepare me to go home and love my children as best as I can.  There are so many times when I just feel overwhelmed by parenting and know that I’m missing out on so much b/c I’m so concerned with what I’m not doing right or how I’m screwing up my kids.  I do thank you for all you do and I know that slowly slowly slowly I’m becoming a better parent to my kids through your encouraging messages."

When I read this email, I teared up.  I was honored to be supporting this mom, and filled with admiration for her commitment to be the best parent she can be.  And I was reminded once again of the heroism required just to show up and love our kids as best we can.

There are plenty of parents who live in impossible situations, where they can't protect their kids from war or keep them fed.  By comparison to them, the rest of us are on easy street.  But the truth is, parenting is hard, hard, hard, no matter what our circumstances.  And when we're also juggling work outside the home, or our child was born a bit temperamental, or we're single parenting, or our kids end up spaced close together, or heaven forbid tragedy strikes -- well, parenting moves from challenging to extraordinary heroism.

Why is even ordinary parenting so hard?  It's just plain physically exhausting.  It's relentless, 24/7.  The responsibility alone is enough to paralyze you. It's impossible to do it perfectly -- or even well --  much of the time. The stakes are so high.

But what's really hard is that parenting forces us to work on ourselves. Most of us never learned to regulate our own emotions and moods.  Staying calm enough to empathize with our child’s feelings and intervene constructively doesn’t come naturally to most of us. Because we’re only human, and our parents were only human, we all carry baggage that limits us.

I know, you thought your child was causing your irritation and anger.  But there are parents who would respond with empathy or amused tolerance to behavior that drives others over the edge.  Our interpretation of our children's behavior, and therefore our response to it, is always the result of our own emotional state. Raising healthy children requires us to heal our own wounds -- and that's just hard emotional and spiritual work.

So on those days when you feel overwhelmed by parenting, what can you do?

1. Focus on what matters.  Are your kids fed?  Have you hugged them and told them how much you adore them? You can postpone anything but love.  

2. Find support.  Parenting is the toughest work humans do.  We all need more support.  As Anne Lamott says, take yourself through the day as you would your favorite mental patient relative: with great humor and lots of small treats.  I don't mean more cookies.  I mean a sweet kiss from our spouse (even if the marriage doesn't feel perfect right now). A hug from our child (even if he's not perfect, either!) Finding someone we can vent to about how hard it is (who won't try to fix us or our child).  Leaving the dishes in the sink occasionally for a long soak in the tub.  Noticing the sunset.  Posting uplifting messages around the house as reminders.  A nightly practice of reviewing what we've appreciated about our life and ourselves.  Getting enough sleep. Talking to ourselves like someone we deeply love. 

3. Remember that you came out ok.  I know, you aren't perfect.  But you probably had worse parenting than your child, so whatever errors you've made as a parent aren't likely to turn your kid into a criminal.

4. When you lose it, use it.  Ok, you blew it.  So use this opportunity to show your child how a mature person apologizes, reconnects and repairs.  Every crisis is an opportunity to get closer if you're willing to see things from both sides, with an open heart. 

5. Forgive yourself.  You can't be generous toward your child when you're being hard on yourself.  Say "I don't need to be perfect. I am more than enough.  I love and accept myself just as I am."  If you can tap your "karate chop" acupuncture point (the side of either hand, below your pinky finger) at the same time, you'll  probably find yourself yawning, letting off tension, and making an emotional shift to match your words.

6. Appreciate yourself.  You do something right as a parent. In fact, I bet you could make a whole list of things you do right. Pat yourself on the back for those things. Focus on that list and keep adding to it.  Every step in the right direction takes you closer toward where you want to be.

7. Appreciate your child.  Even if he drives you crazy, there's something about him you love.  When you notice, it's like telling him "More of this, please."  He'll blossom accordingly.

8. Never give up on your child.  Children sense when we walk away emotionally.  Your child depends on you to hold the vision of her at her best.  If she thinks you're giving up on her, she'll give up on herself.  Has she strayed?  Go get her. But don't join her on the low road.  Embrace her with your love and she'll rejoin you on the high road.

9. Never give up on yourself.  You can't control your children, and they won't do everything you say, but you can take comfort in the fact that they will eventually do everything you do.  You're the role model, and your own behavior is always within your control. 

It doesn't matter how many times you've vowed to stay calm and then found yourself yelling.  You're a different person today than you were yesterday. Start now.  The key is accountability, so announce to your whole family that you've taken a vow of yellibacy, and let your kids decide if you've earned a sticker every night.  Hard?  Yes.  But so rewarding as you watch your kids' behavior change.

10. Just keep choosing love.   If you pay attention, you'll notice that life holds constant choices.  Should you be harsh with your child because you're frightened that if you aren't, he won't learn?  Should you point out to your spouse that you were right?  Should you let yourself stop cleaning and take a bubble bath?  At core, every choice is between love and fear.  Choose love as often as you can. Every day you get fresh chances to interact with your child in a way that heals both of you.  Your life is the sum of your choices. You'll make bad ones, sure.  But every choice turns your ratio around.

There will always be hard parenting days.  But if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other in your desired direction, soon you'll find yourself in a whole new landscape, where the sun shines a lot more.  In the meantime, relax and enjoy the view -- and your child.  The truth is, you've been a hero all along.