Parenting Blog

"Try to see your child as a seed that came in a packet without a label.  Your job is to provide the right environment and nutrients and to pull the weeds.  You can’t decide what kind of flower you’ll get or in which season it will bloom." -- Anonymous

If you're like most parents, there are times when you'd like to submit your kid to "Extreme Child Makeover."  (That's a reality show playing in a living room near you.)  Maybe you wish your shrinking violet would stop clinging to you and just go play with the other kids.  Maybe you wish he'd stop clobbering the other kids. Maybe her shriek in public makes you cringe. Maybe you just always wanted a girl and you were blessed with two raucous boys.

But the one thing we know for certain about child development is that kids who feel loved and cherished thrive. 

That doesn’t mean kids who ARE loved – plenty of kids whose parents love them don’t thrive. The kids who thrive are the ones who FEEL loved, accepted and cherished for exactly who they are. 

The hard work for us as parents is accepting who our child is, warts and all – and cherishing him or her for being that person, even while guiding behavior. How?

1. Notice your child -- aloud -- so she feels seen: "You've been working for a long time on that tower." "You love being in the water." "That makes you so mad!"  The point isn't to evaluate her behavior, but to let her know that you see and accept who she actually is, by acknowledging what she does and how she's reacting to the world.

2. Use a positive lens. When something about your child's behavior makes you unhappy, remember that weaknesses are always the flip side of that person's strengths.  If she has trouble controlling her anger when her brother disrespects her, is she an equally passionate fighter against other injustices?  Is his dawdling a sign of the imagination that will someday make him a great novelist? 

3. See things from his perspective.  Maybe his behavior is irritating to you, but it's always understandable if you take the time to see his viewpoint.  Ok, so he hit the baby.  Don't let him.  But don't punish him either, because that will just exacerbate the terror of losing you that drove him to act so aggressively.  (You did get a replacement child, after all. He can be forgiven for wondering if you plan on keeping him.) If you can connect deeply with him so that he feels your love is indestructible, his terror will diminish and his sunny affection will reassert itself.

4. Accept all feelings, even while you limit behavior.  Most kids get the message that their feelings are bad, which makes them bad. Yes, your kid would be easier without all those messy feelings, but they're all part of being human, and fully himself.  Offer him help in learning to accept and manage them: "You're sad that you can't stay up with the big kids.  It's ok to cry.  It's hard to have to go to bed when other kids are still up. Let's read an extra book tonight so we can snuggle longer and help you feel better."

5. Guide instead of punishing.  Punishment always makes kids feel like bad people, because kids can't distinguish between their behavior and themselves, even if you can.  Guidance sets standards for behavior without labeling your child as bad. "I see how mad you are. You can hit this pillow as hard as you want, but people are not for hitting."  Think limits, instead of discipline, and include plenty of empathy and humor with those limits.

6. Help your child learn to manage her challenges without negative labeling. How? Describe that you've noticed this wonderful thing about her, but sometimes the flip side of this trait can be a challenge to live with -- both for her and other people.  Ask her if she has ideas about how to manage it so she gets the benefits but not the drawbacks.  If you or her other parent has the same trait, point that out and talk about learning to manage it.  Make your story positive and hopeful. That will help her to feel less alone and more optimistic about handling what may seem like a daunting challenge. Be sure to make it clear that everyone changes, and that as we grow up, it gets easier to manage ourselves.

7. Remember that most of what upsets parents is developmentally normal. They act like two year olds because they are two year olds. That doesn't mean they'll grow up to be criminals. Children need to know that they don’t make mistakes because they're bad, but because they're human, and, in many cases, because they're children:  “I know you didn’t mean to yell at your friend when you got upset.  You’ve been working hard not to lose your temper.  I had a hard time managing my temper when I was eight too.  It will get easier as you get older.”

8. Own your reactions.  Sometimes we think it's self-evident that our child should change.  But what bothers one parent might not bother another.  A high energy kid might might fit right in with some families but exhaust others.  Frame your requests as "I" statements rather than criticism:  "I see you feel like jumping around right now.  I'm tired and a little cranky, and the noise is too much for me.  Do you want to go outside and play or down in the basement to jump on the old mattress?"

9. Look in the mirror.  Often what drives us crazy about our child is something we can't acknowledge about ourselves.  If we think our child is obstinate, we might want to look at who he's pushing up against.  It takes two to have a power struggle. If we think she's a "drama queen," is that because we had to "cut off" our own big feelings when our parents told us to stop over-reacting?  Softening our reaction to our child and healing ourselves is often linked.

10. Be patient. Sometimes you need to keep talking, keep reminding, keep exploring ways to manage whatever challenges you about his behavior.  And what works will evolve as he does.  But once you've found a way to help your child see his whole self positively, he'll be on the road to learning how to manage even the most challenging character traits. Even more important, he'll feel cherished for who he is. Celebrate every step in the right direction -- for both of you!