Parenting Blog

"I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once." -- Jennifer Unlimited

We all know that it's impossible to be an inspired parent -- or a happy person -- when we're stressed out.  And yet we assume it's the only way to live.

It isn't. We choose our stressed-out pace.  Why?  Often to prove how essential we are. Sometimes just because that's how everyone else lives, and we don't know there are alternatives.  

Stress pumps you with cortisol, which keeps you from sleeping well and signals your body to put on the pounds. (After all, if you're under stress, it must be an unfriendly environment that could soon stop supplying food, right?)

If you're pregnant, stress activates certain genes in your baby that help him or her adjust to an unfriendly environment.  Trust me, you don't want those genes activated. You'd rather have a baby who wants to connect than a baby who wants to fight.

And speaking of fighting, you don't really want to respond to your bossy three year old by fighting with her, do you?  Stress makes it about a hundred times more likely that you will raise your voice to your child in any given interaction.

Luckily, stress is a choice.  You can banish it.  Ready to release stress from your life?  Here’s a baker’s dozen list of stress-reducers, all proven by researchers to actually change your biochemistry and your moods.

1. Slow down.  Most stress is caused by rushing. When you rush, your body gets the message that there's an emergency, and starts pumping out cortisol and adrenalin.  There's no reason to rush.  Leave earlier.  Leave your arrival time loose ("After her nap we'll call and come over.") Call and re-negotiate your arrival time. 

2. Stop multi-tasking. Stress research shows that when a task is not yet completed, your brain flags it and worries. The more "open" files your brain is juggling, the more stressed you feel.  Do you think multi-tasking makes you more productive?  Productivity researchers say that's an illusion.  Try finishing one task at a time. You'll be amazed how it lowers your stress level.

3. Breathe. As often as possible throughout your day, mindfully shift your state of being into calmness by slowing your breathing. You can do this while washing dishes, answering email, standing in line, driving in traffic, answering the 97th "Why, Mommy?" question of the day, or dealing with an irate coworker, customer, or toddler. 

4. Repeat a calming mantra  (“I am more than enough...This too shall pass...He’s acting like a child because he is a child...No one goes to college in diapers...I am a good enough parent...I'm just here for love.”)

5. Shift into gratitude.  Even on hard days, there is so much to be grateful for. Count your blessings and say thank you for everything good in your life, every day.  Throughout your day, as often as possible, find something to say "Thank You" for.  If this is the only thing you change, it will change your entire life.

6. Don't sweat the little things.  Her jacket on the floor may drive you crazy, but it pales in comparison to how she treats her little brother.  She's becoming a person, right before your eyes, and she's modeling herself after you, even if she doesn't show it. What a gift that you get to be her parent!  Enjoy every moment. Don't worry, she'll pick up her jacket someday.

7. Cultivate Joy.  Consciously do one thing that gives you joy every single day. Life is not a dress rehearsal.  You could drop dead tomorrow.  Don't wait to live.

8. Forgive yourself, as well as your kids and your partner, for being imperfect.  Finding fault sends your stress level soaring, and it doesn't work to make you a better person.  We act better when we feel better.

9. Simplify. Pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Just say no to whatever doesn’t bring you joy. You can put off anything except love.

10. Reframe. Instead of “We’ll never find a parking space,” say “Wouldn’t it be great if we found a parking space easily?”  Instead of "That took forever" how about "That only took fifteen minutes?"  The story we tell ourselves determines how we feel.  I'm not suggesting you try to talk yourself out of grief or other strong emotions -- those you need to feel.  But I am suggesting that you could choose to feel aggrieved in response to the world quite often, or you could choose to remember that life if good.  Which feels better to your body?

11. Act “as if.”  You're stressed out.  Can't cope.  What would Jesus, Buddha, a joyous mother, do? Imagine it. Then do it.

12. Find ways to laugh at what will inevitably go wrong. Crying and giggling release the same anxieties.  Cry when you have to, but laugh when you can.

13. The minute your mood veers from loving to frenzied, stop. Hug your child and regroup.