Parenting Blog

"We can't bear the fear, so we lash out. Does that really help? Our evolutionary hope is that we can pause and have the courage to feel what's there....and in that pause, where there's more awareness, we can have the intelligence and compassion to make a wiser decision."  -- Tara Brach

If you're human, you feel fear on a regular basis. If you're a parent, you probably have fears regarding your child every single day.  Is this crying normal or is it colic? Will he still be wearing diapers in college?  Will she ever go to sleep without me lying down with her?  Does this bullying mean he'll be a criminal? Will she even make it through adolescence? Am I a terrible parent?

Because decisions made from fear are never our best decisions, fear is not our friend.  But the problem isn't really the fear. Our emotions take about one minute to arise and pass away. The problem is that:

• We tell ourselves stories that perpetuate our fears.  These stories amplify our fears and keep them active in our bodies for hours, days, years.
• Our children pick up on our stories and live them out.
• We can't bear our fears, so we lash out -- at our child, our self, our partner.  (The best defense is a good offense.)

1. Name the fear.  Shamans say that when we name our fear, it loses power.  Brain research shows that when we name our fear, there's more brain activity in the frontal cortex (which is reasoning), and less in the limbic system (which is panic.)  Put your hand on your heart. What are you actually afraid of? Notice that when you bring awareness to observing the fear, it has less control over you. 

2. Don't act on the fear.  Instead, sit with it. When you stop fighting fear, or running from it, it loses its power.  Our reflex is to pull away, to clench up.  But if you can sit with the fear, breath into it, you start to dissolve it. If you're losing sleep about your child, try just sitting, breathing, tolerating the fear.  Resist the urge to take action or lash out.

3. Drop the story that's making you fearful.  It could be that your kid will still be wearing diapers when he graduates from college, or still whacking his little sister, but it isn't likely.  Whatever story you're telling yourself about your kid is making things worse.  He's acting like a kid because he is a kid, and his challenging behavior is a plea for help. Your loving presence is the beginning of healing. That's the only story you need.

4. Bathe yourself in love and connection. The only real antidote to fear is love. The Dalai Lama says "Just imagine you're held in the heart of the Buddha." You might imagine tenderly holding your child when she was a newborn, or being held yourself.

5. Use a mantra:  "Whatever happens, I can handle it."  Fear is just the panic that we won't be able to handle something. But the truth is, whatever happens, you can handle it. And you can handle it from a much better place if you're anchored in love rather than driven by fear.