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“The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well” -- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
We all know that every child deserves unconditional love from his or
her parents. But when we're honest with ourselves, we often wonder if
we're capable of giving it. I know I insist my kids live up to certain
expectations. I don't say I won't love them if they don't. But they
certainly know I'd be disappointed.
So the question is, when we're disappointed in our kids, when we're
angry at them, do we withdraw our love? Most parents say "Of course not! They know I love them. I'm just mad right now!"
But ask any kid, and they'll tell you that when Mom or Dad is angry,
the child fears he's no longer loved. If this happens often enough,
the child eventually hardens his heart to the parent, cooperates less
and less, and looks to the peer group instead of the parents for love.
But we're only human. We get angry. So how do we insure that our
child feels our unconditional love? The secret is managing our anger
so we stay connected with our child while we set limits.
How? Intervene before you lose your temper, so you can keep your sense of humor. Look for solutions rather than blame. Choose compassion over revenge when you set limits (and yes, punishment is about revenge for the parent. Research shows punishment doesn't actually teach kids, it eventually makes them less cooperative.) Remember that it's your kid's job to test the limits. It's yours to lovingly set limits so you give them what they need, not necessarily what they want.
And while you're at it, give yourself some of that unconditional love. You deserve it as much as your child does.
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It's equally important to realise that the best parent in the world is going to get it wrong sometimes. When we do, we don't have to beat ourselves up or conslude that we're unfit be a Dad/Mum.
In our household, we have lived by 2 rules:
1/ No-one is to say anything unkind or do anything hurtful to anyone else.
But each of us will break that rule from time to time because we're human. That's why we have rule 2 and rule 2 is the one that must never be broken, ever, under any circumstances. What is rule 2:
2/ Every mistake, every sin can be put right by one person saying; "I'm sorry" and another saying: "It's O.K., I forgive you."
This is the rule that enables both parents and kids to recover from any mistake. It works.
Barry Jackson.U.K.