Parenting Blog

"The French aren't perfect, but they have some parenting secrets that really do work." - Pamela Druckerman

“An internet poll by the Paris-based Union of Families in Europe shows that 65% of children in France think la fessée - French for a smack on the bottom - is a normal part of their upbringing...More than 95% of the 2,000 grandparents, parents, and children polled said they had been spanked at some point in their lives. Punishing a child with a fessée does not seem to be a generation thing. A nationwide poll carried out nearly 10 years ago revealed that more than 85% of French parents spanked their children, compared with 87 % in the new survey."- Emile Boyer King writing in The Guardian Newspaper

Did you see the Wall Street Journal article Why French Parents Are Superior?  It's by Pamela Druckerman, promoting her new book.  The WSJ loves to criticize American parents, as they did last year when they told us that Tiger Mothers raise more successful kids. (If you're still wondering whether that's true, here's an article on What We Can Learn from Amy Chua).

Druckerman's article touched a nerve because the picture she paints of well-behaved children who are not troublesome is something every parent wants.  Who wouldn't like to have their child sleep through the night at two months, behave well in restaurants, and obey when given a command?  

But these don't seem like new ideas to me.  These seem like what our parents did when they were children.  Of course, in order to get our parents to do these things, most of our grandparents used a smack on the bottom, just as the French supposedly do.  Physical punishment does get immediate compliance, but we know it has a high emotional cost. When I talk to adults who had strict upbringings, they were obedient, but they're still getting over their childhoods. (If the idea of well-behaved kids has you reconsidering spanking, here's an article on Spanking for you.)

France is the only country in Europe where spanking is still legal, and, according to surveys in France, most French parents spank their children, twice as many as in the US.  No wonder their kids are more compliant!  But let's dig in a litle deeper to Druckerman's claims.  After all, we don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

And I hasten to add that I am about to generalize about two cultures that in fact contain a breadth of parenting practices.  But since Druckerman (at least in her WSJ piece) is taking global swipes with her sweeping generalizations, I am simply accepting her sweeping claims here and answering them.

1. French babies sleep through the night at two or three months.  We know that breastfed babies need to be fed at night at this age, so I'm guessing these babies are bottle-fed.  There is, apparently, still an anti-breast feeding attitude in France.  It doesn't sound like French moms get a lot of support for nursing, at any rate. And that would explain the sleeping through the night at two months.  

2. French toddlers eat three meals a day and one afternoon snack and as a result they don't fool around in their high chairs. They chow down.  I think every parent would love this.  And I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling hungry as we moved toward dinner.  But what I have noticed about small children (and many adults!) is that when their blood sugar gets low, they have a hard time regulating themselves.  So what happens to that French toddler when he starts melting down, waiting for dinner?  I don't know.  But personally, I found that feeding healthy snacks--food I would be happy to serve for supper--to a small child was preferable to the hunger meltdown.  And if that meant less time sitting with the family at dinner, there was a basket of toys next to the table for them to play on the floor.  More time for parental conversation!

3.  French children know how to occupy themselves.  I'm buying this part of Druckerman's pitch.  And guess what?  The French don't let children under the age of three watch any TV.  OK, I doubt they police parents, but it's frowned upon, and no programming is allowed for them because it's thought young kids should not be watching.  My experience is that when kids never get used to TV, they learn to occupy themselves. I also like Druckerman's line that French parents have firm rules about what they consider essential, but beyond that they give their kid a lot of control.  When kids have control over their own time, they learn to occupy themselves.

There's another important piece to this, though. Out of our own anxiety, we too often intrude on children's play.  In fact, babies and young children need us available, but not running things, when they play.  There's a whole chapter in my upcoming book on this exact issue, but if you want more info on this in the meantime, check out Magda Gerber and RIE.

So on this one?  French parents get my vote.

4.  French children know how to wait.  As Druckerman describes in the article, practice waiting does build those "waiting" muscles. But kids have plenty of opportunities to practice waiting, all day long.  The way kids learn to wait is not just by being told all the time to wait. It's by being engaged in their own play and concentrating on what they are doing. That's why Walter Mischel (who made up the experiment) is quoted by Druckerman as explaining that the kids who were able to wait were the kids who could distract themselves. In other words, who were able to focus their attention elsewhere and concentrate on something else. So that's back to #3 above.

5.French parents take better care of themselves.  If this is true, it's a good thing.  We can't be compassionate with our child if our own cup has run dry.  Of course, finding that balance between our own needs and our child's is never easy.  But blindly sacrificing ourselves to our children and then exploding at them, or finding ourselves resentful, would certainly make our child (and us!) more unhappy.

6. French children obey their parents because the parents mean what they say.  I guess if you get spanked, you learn your parents will ultimately use force to get compliance.  So you comply.

Naturally, kids will keep testing the limits until they see the limit is firm. Setting limits is a part of our job as parents. But Druckerman apparently concluded that she had to be mean to get her kid to know she was serious. In my experience, calm and clear works a lot better for kids to know you're serious than either mean (at which they rebel) or exasperated (at which you don't seem in control, so they keep pushing.) 

I think Druckerman's point is that permissive parenting is destructive to kids, which I agree with and have addressed in the article at this link. But limits can be set firmly, but with empathy. In other words, "No cookies before dinner...that makes you so sad...let's see if we can find some carrots for you." You're the leader.  You're not hesitating about the limit. That allows your child to grieve, give up, and move on. BUT there is no reason to be less than kind about it. In fact, your empathy increases your child's cooperation.

I'm sure, by the way, that there are some French parents who don't smack their child on the bottom and still have cooperative kids, for same reason that I have cooperative kids:  we parent, including setting limits, with empathy.  So I think we have to distinguish between "obedient" and behaving well because they're feeling good, regardless of which culture we're in. When kids feel connected and happy, they are naturally sunny and cooperative.  When they obey because they know otherwise they'll be spanked, that's out of fear.  But fear only works while you're big enough to push your child around.

In fact, I don't want obedient children, because those are kids more vulnerable to peer pressure. I want kids who think for themselves. Here's a great article on this by Annalisa Barbieri.  In her article, she quotes Alison Roy, psychotherapist at East Sussex Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services, who says: "A child will push the boundaries if they have a more secure attachment. Children who have been responded to, led to believe - in a healthy way - that their voice is valued, that all they have to do is object and action will be taken - they will push boundaries. And this is really healthy behaviour. Compliance? They've learned there's no point arguing because their voice isn't valued."

7. French parents aren't as anxious about parenting. Many parents in the US are indeed anxious about their parenting, and it's true that's not good for our kids. So why aren't the French anxious?  What I keep hearing from French parents is that they just do what their parents did. No angst. I think we know a lot more about child development than our grandparents, so if this is indeed the reason, it seems short-sighted.  But I think the clarity and peacefulness of it is great for kids. And I loved the description about setting essential limits and then giving kids a lot of freedom with everything else. That sounds perfect to me.

But I think the American anxiety--and child "misbehavior"--comes from another source which Druckerman doesn't seem to have considered.  The average American works 1824 hours a year. The average French person works 1441 hours per year.  That increased amount of time away from family--25% more time!--would make anyone anxious.

It also makes it more difficult to parent. Because if we aren't going to use force with our kids to keep them in line, then we have to stay connected to them.  In fact, when children feel securely bonded with parents, they WANT to cooperate. So with our workaholic life in the US, parenting well is truly heroic.

Druckerman does say that French "parents don't have to pay for preschool, worry about health insurance or save for college. Many get monthly cash allotments—wired directly into their bank accounts—just for having kids."  Wow! Wouldn't that make you a lot less anxious?

The truth is, it doesn't matter what country we're in.  There are wonderful French parents and wonderful American parents.  Parenting well is never easy, even if the French have a way of looking more graceful (as they do with many things!)  I don't think that any one country has discovered a secret about parenting that the rest of us don't already know (even if the idea sells books.) 

Because the truth is that we have decades of research that tells us how to raise wonderful, cooperative kids who are a delight to live with, and who think for themselves rather than being blindly obedient. Many of us are doing it, right here in the US.  It's hard, but it isn't rocket science. How?

We stop punishing and start connecting.  We set plenty of limits and high expectations, but we do it with empathy, and we really listen to our child's point of view. Would an observer say the child was obedient? Maybe not always. They certainly have their own opinions.  But cooperative, pleasant, looking for win/win solutions that work for everyone? Able to wait their turn and delay gratification? Absolutely, as that becomes age appropriate.

So I have yet to read Druckerman's book, but I'm doubtful that I'll find new answers on raising great kids. I think we have those answers already, and I see the results every day!

We're interrupting our series on Nurturing Yourself while Raising Your Child today to address the recent furor over whether French parents have somehow discovered the secret of raising better kids. We'll get back to self-care tomorrow.