Parenting Blog

"How do you hit the happy medium between Strict and Permissive parenting?" -- Mike

Most parents seem to struggle with questions about whether they're being too strict or too permissive.  We don't want to be mean, of course, and we want to take our child's desires into account. So we compromise all the time on what we'd really like (straight A's, for instance, or daily music practice, or more help around the house.)  But then we wonder, what if we had higher expectations, not as bad as Amy Chua, of course, but definitely more demanding than we've been, maybe our child would take academics more seriously, or be more helpful.....Where's that sweet spot between permissive and strict?

It's easier to find than you might think.

We've been confused because we're missing half the picture.  Stay with me here, I promise this is worth taking a minute to understand.  It completely sorts out the question about how strict to be.

If strictness and permissiveness are on a continuum, imagine them as a horizontal line (which, in the chart below, is called "Demandingness.")  Now, add a vertical line.  This one is the continuum of Responsiveness, meaning support, empathy and connection.  So you end up with this:

What does it mean?  It means that deciding how strict to be (how demanding) is only half the battle.  You also have to decide how responsive to be.  Diana Baumrind, who came up with this chart many years ago, labeled the parenting styles as follows:

High Demands/Low Responsiveness = Authoritarian

Low Demands/High Responsiveness = Permissive

Low Demands/Low Responsiveness = Uninvolved

High Demands/High Responsiveness = Authoritative

We've had decades to study these parenting styles, and here's what child development researchers have discovered about the results of each:

Authoritarian- This, of course, would be Amy Chua's style. These are parents who have high expectations of their kids, which is a good thing, research shows.  That’s how kids get good grades, learn to manage themselves responsibly, and stay out of trouble.  The problem with these parents is that they don’t offer their kids much support.  It’s pull up your socks, straighten up and fly right, my way or the highway.  The kids are left on their own to learn to regulate their emotions, so these households usually have anger-management issues.  These parents were usually parented this way themselves, and think they came out fine, but psychologists would call them "defended."  Research shows these kids often end up either depressed or rebellious – and looking for love in all the wrong places. 

Permissive-  These are parents who offer their kids lots of support, which is terrific.  Their problem is that they don’t also have high expectations.  Some of them believe that’s a good thing – they wouldn’t want to get in the way of their child’s natural development.  Others just can’t bear to have their child face something difficult even for a moment, so they make a lot of excuses for their kid.  Most of these parents are trying hard not to repeat their own parents’ tough-love parenting style, so they go overboard in the other direction.  Don’t get me wrong – you can never offer your child too much respect and empathy.  But if you let your child walk all over you or other people, what are you teaching him about relationships?  We all need the experience of being loved through our disappointments and coming out stronger on the other side. While letting kids discover their own passions is terrific, kids often need help in structuring themselves to explore those passions, or they become discouraged and give up.  Kids WANT to please, and they WANT to achieve -- depending on how that's defined -- but they need parental help to learn the internal discipline to accomplish their goals. These kids often become self-centered and "spoiled," or vaguely unhappy and insecure. Amy Chua would say that most American parents fall into this category.

Uninvolved- There have always been parents who can’t give their kids the love and attention they need, either because of alcoholism, narcissism, or just external pressures like needing to work two jobs to support the family.  But these parents seem to me to be even more prevalent today, at least in some communities, where we rationalize thrusting kids into daycare at ever earlier ages for ever-longer hours, and then as they grow up we push them into the arms of their peer group, so that we have little or no influence on them by the time they’re teenagers.  These parents sometimes vanish into drug addiction or abandon the family, but there are plenty of seemingly normal families where the parents are too focused on their own work or social lives to engage deeply with their kids.  It’s not unusual to see these parents lavish money on their kids instead of attention.  This is always a message to the child that he isn’t worth loving, and if both parents are uninvolved, you can pretty much count on the kid having substance abuse or other major issues.

Authoritative parents- Notice this is NOT the same as Authoritarian!  It's a different word.  Because of this common confusion, I prefer to call this style "Empathic Limits,"  which describes what it actually IS.  These parents offer their kids lots of empathy and support, like the permissive parents.  But they also hold high expectations, like the authoritarian parents.  The difference is that because they're seeing things from their child's point of view, they know what expectations are appropriate for that child.  Because of this respectful understanding, they're not imposing goals based on their needs; they're supporting their child to live up to the family's values and the child's own goals.  Finally, they're offering their child complete support to achieve expectations over time. 

For example, they aren’t expecting a three year old to clean up her toys by herself.  But they may well be working with this three year old to help her clean up, making it fun, over and over and over, so that by six she really can clean up her toys herself.  These parents are involved -- even demanding.  They expect family dinners, lots of discussion straight through high school, excitement about learning, responsible, considerate behavior.  

Because these parents are comfortable with their emotions and able to regulate them, these kids learn early to regulate their own emotions and thus are more open to guidance.  Not surprisingly, these kids stay close to their parents,  often describing a parent as the person they would most trust to talk to about a problem.  These kids are usually motivated learners in school, and they’re also the ones that teachers describe as responsible and well-liked; simply nice, considerate kids who are a pleasure to have around.  This parenting style, is, of course, the one that research shows raises the best-adjusted kids.

Are you having an Aha! Moment?   Most parents think the best parenting course is the happy medium between strictness and demands.  But they're missing half the picture. 

That means they settle for reduced expectations. It's fine to set limits and have high expectations. Why would you compromise on the values that are really important to you, such as how people in your house speak to each other, or how much screen time they have, or whether they do their homework before they Facebook?

But -- and this is a big but --  kids only accept these high expectations because of the support they get.  That means that along with limits, these kids get tremendous empathy, and step by step help in learning to manage themselves. They get help processing emotions so they can actually stay calm rather than yelling at you.  They also experience respect, which means their parents listen to what's important to them and find win-win solutions.

The difference between Authoritarian Parenting and Empathy with Limits is huge: the understanding and respect offered to the child. The difference between Permissive and Empathy with Limits is the high expectations; parents are able to help kids live the values that are important to them.  And the difference in parental involvement should be obvious – these parents are the most involved of any of the parenting styles.  Which is probably why they’re happier parents. 

Happier parents, happier children.  That's what I call win/win parenting.