Parenting Blog

"I try to use positive parenting, but there always comes a point where I'm stuck and threaten a timeout. WIthout punishment, how do I enforce my limits?  I can interrupt the bad behavior but I can't prevent it next time.  I can remind him until I'm blue in the face about the things he's supposed to do, but I can't actually MAKE him. What do I do to make my child behave, if I can't use force?" – Lisabet

“Punishments erode relationships and moral growth.” – Alfie Kohn

This is a terrific question. How can we "enforce" our limits?

The short answer is, we can't force anyone to do anything.  All we can do is help our child WANT to meet our expectations and help him develop the emotional regulation so he's able to do so.

Sure, force, or the threat of force, works temporarily.  Timeouts scare young children into complying because they're a form of ritual, temporary abandonment.  But they don't teach kids to regulate the emotions that drove them to behave badly, so the misbehavior continues.  Eventually, kids rebel and you have to escalate your force.  You can drag your flailing child, but sooner or later you won't be able to do that, and in the meantime he's not learning to manage himself. 

What's more, the more often you resort to force, the less your child will WANT to cooperate.  I hear frequently from parents of six year olds who have become defiant, now that they can't be dragged to timeout.  The six year olds who were never punished with timeouts (or other punishment) but were instead taught loving family expectations and emotional regulation are much better behaved and cooperative.  So force doesn't actually get kids to behave any better.  In fact, research shows that punishment makes kids misbehave more. 

Here's why. WE know that brushing teeth, not hitting his sister and not sneaking a cookie are for your child's highest good. But he doesn't. In fact, he is strongly driven to avoid teethbrushing, demolish his rival, and eat as many cookies as he can. The only reason for him to go against what he thinks will serve him is that he trusts us to always have his best interests at heart. 

But when we punish, he feels wronged. Even if we can get him to parrot back to us why he was punished, he still feels wronged inside.  (Don't you remember feeling this way with your parents?)  What's more, he doesn't really see how to control the bad feelings that drove him to behave badly.  So he feels we aren't there to help him.  He feels less and less like trying to please us.  That's why punishment destroys our child's desire to behave.

So we can't "enforce" our limits, with or without force.  But we CAN make it likely that our child will want to meet our expectations and comply with our limits.  How?

1. Teach appropriate, loving behavior.
If your child doesn't know the appropriate behavior, help him learn it.
If he does know but won't do it, then help him want to.  With brushing teeth, that means making it fun and giving him control.  To resist hitting his sister, that means helping him develop a competing impulse, like affection for his sister, and the desire to please you.  But he'll also need some tools for emotional regulation.

2. Teach emotional regulation by modeling emotional regulation. 
Kids learn how to handle big emotions by watching how we do it.

Does that mean you can't get mad?  No.  It means you realize that when you're angry you aren't modeling emotional self regulation.  So you calm down before you open your mouth.  And you support yourself in every way so you have the internal resources to regulate yourself.

3. Help your child manage his emotions by helping him express them.
Kids learn to regulate their emotions when we welcome their feelings, and if necessary limit their actions. "You're so mad at your sister.  I won't let you hurt her.  Come here, Sweetie, what's going on that you're so upset?" 

Young children need to express emotions by crying and shaking them out.  As they get older, their brain development allows them to use words and stories to self-regulate.  Of course, even adults need to cry sometimes, so any age child might need your help to cry about a disappointment or hurt.  Some parents are fine wtih sadness but when their child gets angry, they get angry back.  Remember that anger always masks sadness or fear, but your child won't show those deeper feelings to you unless he feels safe enough. And if he doesn't express those feelings, he'll keep "acting them out" with "bad" behavior.

4. Empower your child to make repairs.
Kids feel terrible when they hurt others. They need a way to dig out of the hole they've created for themselves, so they can feel (and act) like a good person again.  Support your child to find ways to repair relationships and make amends.  Can your toddler get the ice pack or his friend's blankie?  Can your preschooler rebuild the tower with her little brother?  Can your six year old do her sister's chore? 

If YOU impose these as consequences, you're right back to punishment.  But if you model this kind of making amends in your family, your child will naturally copy it.  And if you apologize often, your child will learn to do so also.  Note that all humans need to calm down before apologies and amends are sincere and meaningful. First, help your child express her feelings.  Then, wonder aloud if there's a way you can help her make things better again.

5. Above all else, protect the relationship. 
Connection trumps everything else in parenting.  Children "behave" because they love and trust us and never want to disappoint us.  But we have to earn that level of devotion.  We earn it by managing our own emotions so we can stay compassionate with our child and help her when she most needs us.  Which, if you were wondering, is when she seems to least deserve it.  Children need physical snuggling and roughhousing to feel close on a daily basis, and they need our non-reactive compassion to help them through the tough spots.  When in doubt, reconnect.

And you'll never find yourself reaching for force again.