Parenting Blog

"If all you did was just look for things to appreciate you would live a joyous, spectacular life."
- Jerry & Esther Hicks

You could probably find negative things to say to your child all day long.  All of them "deserved" and none of them effective in helping your child want to behave. 

"Get out of bed right now...Aren't you ready yet?....You'd lose your head if it wasn't on your shoulders....How many times have I told you?....Stop that right now...You're wearing me out....Pick up that jacket...Don't start with me....Leave your sister alone...Are you listening to me?...What part of No don't you understand?"

Whenever you feel like criticizing your kid, you’re reacting out of fear.  Fear that your child won’t grow up ok, because either you or your child isn’t good enough.  That’s your inner critic, and regardless of what it tells you, it isn't always right. 

Finding fault with kids doesn’t help them change. Children change by being loved, accepted, appreciated, respected. That lets them drop the need to defend themselves.  It makes them want to please us. 

So if you want your child to be her best self, catch her doing things right all day long -- including all those things that it's about time she did right! -- and all progress in the right direction, even if it isn't perfect.  Not praise, precisely, nor evaluating ("You're a good girl!").  Instead, say what you're noticing very specifically so your child feels seen and heard.  Express your own appreciation:

“I love how cheerful you are in the morning. It makes me happy to wake up... I noticed how nice you were to your sister last night...I love it when you brush your teeth without being reminded....Thanks for picking up your things with only one reminder!... I really appreciate you controlling your temper so we could talk, that shows real maturity....I love that you have so much energy!....I notice you're working so hard on that... I know that's disappointing, but soon you'll get it every time... Don't worry, Honey, nobody bats 1000....Wow, your schoolwork is really improving.....I loved watching you pass the ball, you’re such a reliable team player...I notice you came right home and started your homework so responsibly!...I love our conversations in the car.... I admire how you apologized to your friend...You're such a great hugger and snuggler....One of the many things I love about you is how you always give the dog lots of attention."

What we pay attention to is what flourishes.  Every time you appreciate your child, every time you love something about him, you are giving him the clear message:  More of this, please.  He will grow accordingly.

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