Parenting Blog

"I find I’m already 10 steps into reacting and I’ve headed down the “traditional” path with whatever issue is at hand with my kids. When I am able to remain calm, it certainly helps the situation as opposed to when I get heated up and emotional, which only makes things worse. It makes me sad to know that up until now, I have not been a good example of emotional regulation at all.  And it is so disheartening to see my kids doing things that I know they saw us do whether it’s throw something, slam a door, etc. Every once in a while, the little voice inside me says 'It’s too late—damage done' but then I keep plugging along reading and re-reading your advice and hope that if I can keep working on myself, my kids can adjust too." – Amy

Sounds familiar, right?  We're starting the New Year with emotional regulation because it’s at the heart of our ability to parent the way we’d like. In fact, it’s at the heart of most of the ways we trip ourselves up, from over-eating to over-spending to fighting with our spouse.

As parents, we know it’s our responsibility to provide for our child’s physical needs: food, shelter, protection.  What about our responsibility to parent from a state of love?  We often hear that good parents love their children unconditionally, but we all know that no parent always feels loving.  And we’re left on our own to figure out how we can restore ourselves to a state of love during the inevitable ups and downs of daily parenting.

This task -- finding ways to regulate our own emotions so that we can show up with an open heart for our child -- is fundamental to good parenting.  I believe it's also an important part of what gives our life meaning.  Essentially, by breathing our way through our upsets without acting on them, we transmute our own feelings of frustration, disconnection and unhappiness into love.  We create love where there wasn’t love before.  Our heart gets bigger, and we grow as people, as well as parents.

Does that mean we don't change what's bothering us?  No.  In fact, we become more effective in creating the life we want, which is always a life of more happiness, joy, and loving connection with our child.  That isn't just a fancy way of saying that we become willing to tolerate something that we may have yelled about before, although that may be true.  For instance, we may realize that it's okay for our child to feel angry, and stop reprimanding him for that, even as we teach respectful interaction.  Or we may realize that her jacket on the floor isn't nearly as important as how she treats her sister. Or we may begin to see our child's strong will as a positive trait, and find better ways to partner with him.  None of these positive responses is possible if we don't start by managing our own emotions.

But what if our child is stuck in a counter-productive pattern and really does need to change?  Our own emotional self-regulation is also the key to helping him. 

Here's why:

1. The emotional safety we create for our children is exactly what allows them to heal, grow and thrive. Like us, children WANT to feel happy and connected, but sometimes their fear or anger gets the best of them.  Our calm gives them a path back to loving connection.

2. Children learn emotional regulation from us.  If we go into "fight or flight" so will they.  If we can stay calm, they learn that it's not an emergency, and they calm down.

3. When we provide a calm "holding environment" for our children, they feel safe enough to experience their emotions, which is what allows those big feelings to evaporate. Kids learn that feelings are just part of being human, and we don't have to fear them OR act on them.

4. Children are sensitive barometers of our moods and tensions.  If we have an unresolved issue, we can count on them to subconsciously pick up on it and act out. So often, when we work on our own issues, we find our child's behavior changes.

5. When we show up differently, so does our child.  It's always our child's action + our reaction that produces the outcome.

And there's good news for Amy, and the rest of us.  Even if our children have learned some counter-productive habits from us, it's never too late for them to learn to manage themselves emotionally.  But we have to provide the role modeling.

As the new year unfolds, we'll be talking a lot about HOW to regulate ourselves.  For today, just notice your own moods and emotions, and your child's.  Sometimes just noticing is enough to start deep changes.