Parenting Blog

This post is part of our series on Parenting for Emotional Intelligence: Real Life Examples.

Your 18 month old notices how perfectly that slice of bologna will fit into the cd player.  Instead of shrieking and smacking her hand, you realize that this is an effort at mastery -- in fact, a brilliant one.  You say "Wow, that fits! You noticed it's a circle, and it's the right size.  But bologna doesn't go there, the cd goes there.  See how the cd goes in?  Let's feed that bologna to the cat.  See how happy that makes him? Now let's find your shape sorter.  Do you see any circles?  Where do you think they could go?" 

Your two year old is cranky and whining; you can't seem to please him. You could put him in front of the TV, which will teach him that when you're feeling off-kilter you should zone out, distract yourself,  and "stuff" your feelings.  Instead, you realize that two year olds build up a lot of frustration in the course of the day and sometimes they just need a safe place to let it all out (your arms!) You say: "Nothing seems to be going right for you this morning...I wonder if you just need to cry?  Everybody needs to cry sometimes.  Come snuggle with Daddy and you can cry as much as you want." 

Your four year old always wants Mommy and won't let Daddy put him to bed. Instead of taking it personally and huffing out of the room, you realize this is a normal developmental phase.  You help him work through his feelings about how much he prefers mom by playing a game where you "try" unsuccessfully to keep him away from Mommy.  Get between him and his mom, and roar that you won't let him get to his mom, and then let him run right around you, or better yet, push you over.  Let him be the powerful one while you bumble and protest.  He'll giggle and boast and get a chance to prove he can ALWAYS have his mom.  He'll also discharge all those pent up worries that make him demand her. Laughter releases stress hormones as well as tears and is a lot more fun.  Then, let him choose who he wants to put him to bed.  Don't be surprised if he chooses Dad. (If he doesn't, just keep repeating this game to help him work through this issue.)

Your five year old keeps looking right at you and breaking rules, like jumping on the couch.  You realize that one of two things is going on.  Either he's angry and taunting you as part of a larger power struggle.  Or he's pushing to see where the limits are to make sure you're in charge and can keep him safe. 

Should you punish him?  Well, if this is a power struggle, punishment will just escalate it; the solution is to sidestep confrontations with re-direction, choices, and more autonomy for him in general.  And if he's checking to see where the boundaries are, punishing him won't make him feel safer, it will just convince him you're not on his side. 

So should you just give up on your limit and let him jump on the couch?  That's your choice. I personally found it a great release for my kids and my couch is still fine years later.  Kids do seem to need to jump, and I didn't have any good alternatives to offer them. But in that case, be explicit that you've dropped that rule so he's not confused about your laxity.

On the other hand, if you're clear that couches are not for jumping, then you need to step in to redirect him every single time he breaks the rule. Take his hand and say, "You know the rule is No Jumping on the couch.  It breaks the couch.  You can jump on the trampoline in the basement, or you can go outside and jump on your pogo stick, but NO jumping on the couch."  If you intervene this way every single time he even thinks about jumping on the couch, he'll stop doing it.

You've told your six year old three times to go brush her teeth, but you hang up the phone and see she's still playing on the computer.  Instead of yelling, you realize that your expectation wasn't age-appropriate.  She needed your help.  You walk over, put your hand on her shoulder, and say "Sweetie, look up at me." You wait until she tears her gaze from the computer to make eye contact and connect with you. "It's time to brush your teeth and get ready for bed.  You've had three warnings. Can you turn off the computer yourself or do you want me to do it?" She begins to wheedle to just finish this one part of the game. "I'm sorry, Sweetie, I know it's hard to stop, but you can play more tomorrow. Now it's time to say Goodbye, Game. Ok, I'm turning it off.  I know that makes you sad, but I was on the phone a long time and now it's almost lights out. Come, let's go upstairs.  I want to make sure we have time for a story.  What should we read tonight?"