Parenting Blog

"How many times have you felt forced/nudged/shamed/coerced into parenting in a way you don't usually because you were in a public situation? I know I have, and it still happens now that my kids are out of the toddler tantrum stage." - Ask Moxie

"Where I struggle is under the judgmental gaze of grandparents who believe in PUNISHMENT and CONSEQUENCES when the line is crossed. I can almost hear a tsk, tsk as I do my empathic parenting. Do others struggle with this? No matter how old I get....I still want parents' approval, you know?" - Ann

Kids don't always behave as we'd like when we're out and about.  And when they're in family gatherings, they're often over-excited and off their schedules, so their behavior can be particularly challenging. 

The hard part is that not only do we have to be extra creative to help our child cope in a way that doesn't infringe on the rights of others.  We have to do it in front of an audience. An audience that we just know is judging us as bad parents.  It doesn't matter whether they're judging us as Crazy Mean Mom or Permissive Clueless Dad. if we were good parents, our child wouldn't be acting up to begin with.  Right?

Actually, wrong.  Even well-adjusted, wonderful children of parents we would all admire have their moments.  My in-laws still remember the meltdown my son had in the car once.  It was one of only two he had in his entire life, but they didn't know that and it influenced how they thought of him.  My insight from that experience?  My son was actually right.  I would have done things differently if we were alone.  But because they were there, I compromised my own instincts, and didn't listen to my son. Sure, the grandparents thought they should outrank a toddler.  But looking back these many years, I still see that my son experienced my going along with them as a betrayal of our relationship. 

Did my son come out ok?  Yes, of course.  As long as we're usually empathic with our kids, those failures of empathy are fine.  In fact, he probably learned something about sticking up for himself, and about how we can repair rifts in relationships.  But as a result of that experience, and many, many stories I have heard from parents, I'm here to encourage you to stick to your parenting convictions, even in public, and even with grandparents. 

Would your child be better behaved in public if you were a more authoritarian parent?  Maybe.  But we know that parenting style doesn't encourage healthy development and it only lasts for as long as you can physically control your child.  You can set limits so your child doesn't disturb others in public without resorting to punishment.  Instead of threatening kids with consequences if they don't behave, why not help your child become the kind of person who understands what behavior is appropriate and who wants to behave that way?

Here's how.

1. Tend to basic needs.  Don't take a tired, hungry child anywhere.  Even if you're going to a meal, assume your child will be hungry before the food is served and bring snacks. If you're in the grocery store, head first to the foods you will let her eat, and choose something for her to snack on while you shop.

2. Prepare your child.  Explain, even to a baby, what will be happening. Describe what you will do, and any expectations you have for your child's behavior.  ("At Grandma's we hold hands and say a blessing, like this.  During the blessing, only the person who is offering the blessing speaks. The rest of us will be quiet.")

3. Invite your child to contribute positively.  Instead of saying "You will need to be very quiet and behave nicely at church" (Situations requiring total quiet for long periods are inappropriate for young children, and isn't joyous laughter nice?), describe the situation.  Explore with your child what kinds of contributions would be helpful.  "At the restaurant, the waiters are rushing around balancing food.  How can we help them do a good job and not spill things?"  At the grocery store, give her a "list" with pictures of what you need her to help you find as you shop.

4. Remember your first responsibility is to your child.  When your child is screaming on the airplane and all eyes are on you, naturally you want to control your child to make her be quiet, even if control isn't your usual approach.  And it's true that the other passengers on the plane have a right to a flight that isn't dominated by your little hellion.  But focusing on them will just undermine your ability to help your child, and until you help her with whatever problem is causing her to scream, she will probably keep screaming.  The truth is, the other passengers are much less interested in judging you than in having a quiet flight. 

5. Be aware that you're always teaching.  When your child screeches "But I WANT the candy, I NEED it!"  of course you acknowledge how much she wants it.  But that doesn't mean you buy it, unless you want to buy it every time.  Instead, you empathize and redirect her longing toward a food you feel good about her eating. She might screech the first four times, or even have a good cry in your arms that necessitates your leaving the store.  Eventually, she will learn through experience that you don't buy the candy, but instead you'll buy her any fruit she wants.

An airplane, though, or any situation where you can't leave, is obviously not the time to let her have a good cry.  So forget about long-term development (that's why you keep such situations to a minimum) and go for distraction.  If she wants to get up and run during takeoff, empathize: "You want up!"  Tell her when she can get what she wants: "As soon as the plane is in the air, you can get up!"  Then distract: "Look! we''re taking off!  The plane is going up!"  Or pull out a special small treat you brought just for this moment, "Look, a present! What's in it?"

6. Stay present to your child.  Often when children "act out" in public, it's because they feel our attention is elsewhere.  That makes them a bit insecure, so they act out to get the reassurance that we're still attending to them.  For instance, if you expect to spend the plane flight relaxing, you can count on your child needing to interact with you fairly constantly. The more we can stay connected with a child, the less he will act out, always.

7. Start with Empathy before you problem solve.  "You seem pretty mad...What's going on?"   Here's a lovely example of empathic listening leading to problem solving, in public, from Tina Payne Bryson: Ten Bites of a Quesadilla.

8. Find ways to honor or redirect your child's impulses.  "You want to run!  Let's run outside the store for a few minutes before we go in, since you've been sitting in the car.  Then, in the store, let's walk THIS way!"
"You LOVE to ride the escalator, don't you?  But now we need to find the store.  On the way back to the car, do you want to ride the escalator again?"

9. Don't hesitate to remove him if necessary.   If your child has a meltdown, it's impossible to attend to him and also finish your shopping.  Just scoop him up and remove him from the situation.  Maybe you can go to your car, or to an out of the way spot at the mall where you won't be disturbing other people.  As always, empathize with how upset he is: "You want to run around the aisles, but I need you to stay in the cart. It's hard to stay in the cart."  Feeling understood usually calms kids.  When he's done crying, hold him and comfort him.  If he's still awake, decide if the two of you are up for another try, and if so, how it can work for both of you "Maybe for the last bit of shopping, you can walk next to me and help me find things, and then sit in the cart again at the checkout?"  There's no shame in your child's needs clashing with the household need to get food in the house.  The shame is in responding to that clash by becoming a parent you don't want to be.

10. Assume the support of your audience.  In  the same way that audiences root for performers to succeed, the people watching want you and your child to succeed.  They know kids can be unpredictable and unreasonable.  They may assume the situation would get resolved faster if you did it their way, but imagine how impressed the grandparents will be when they see your son pull himself together because you've empathized "Oh, Sweetie, you really wish you could have another cookie, I know! Tell me how many cookies you would like to eat?  10,000?!  Oh my goodness, would you be as tall as the sky then?" 

And what about the times when, inevitably, you're embarrassed about the way your child is behaving?  You probably want to have a quiet conversation with the grandparents at some point to explain why your parenting philosophy is going to raise them wonderful grandchildren, and why punishment won't.  But those strangers in the grocery store?  You'll never see them again.  Smile ruefully and say "Sometimes we all have bad days."  Nobody can disagree with that.