Parenting Blog

Guest Blog by Judy Arnall
Author of Discipline Without Distress

Listen live to Judy Arnall on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!

Wednesday October 21
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Parents and children today face very different challenges from those faced by the previous generation. Today's children play not only in the sandbox down the street, but also in the World Wide Web, which is too big and complex for parents to control and supervise. As young as age four, your children can contact the world, and the world can contact them. A strong bond between you and your child is critical in order for your child to regard you as their trusted advisor. Traditional discipline methods no longer work with today's children, and they destroy your ability to influence your increasingly vulnerable children who need you as their lifeline! Spanking and time-outs do not work. You need new discipline tools!

Discipline is proactive and involves prevention, and also teaches correct behavior by focusing on what to do in the future. Punishment is reactive and tries to correct past behavior by hurting a child so that he will be deterred from doing the same thing in the future. It doesn't, however, teach alternative behavior.

Children under the age of five generally cooperate with parents' directives about 40 percent of the time. So, 60 percent of the time, they don't listen. That's normal!

For the parent of a preschooler, a daily routine encompasses about 50 directives from the parent from the minute the child gets up in the morning until bedtime. That's a lot of requests. It's no wonder there are days when they just don't want to cooperate.

Keep your parenting positive by dealing with your emotions first. If you are angry at what you see, take a few moments to calm yourself down so you don't end up yelling. When you are in a better space, you can deal with your child and the situation more effectively.

When you discipline children, you are dealing with two elements: the emotional upset of the child and the behavior. Using punishment techniques, such as time-outs, only deals with the behavior and not the emotional aspect. If the emotions are not addressed, the behavior often continues.

When you say no and he responds with hitting, kicking, and yelling, allow him his feelings, and help him to calm down if he will let you. Deal with the emotions first and behavior later. Don't change your no to a yes to avoid his reaction. Give him the message that you are okay with all his feelings and the answer is still no in spite of his behavior. He needs to know that you are not afraid of his anger.

When the heat of the moment has subsided and everyone is calm, then it's a great time to talk about alternatives to his kicking and hitting, and have him help you clean up whatever mess he made in the course of his tantrum. These are natural consequences.

Children usually help you clean up when you don't insist in the emotional heat of the moment. When they are calm, they can clearly see the damage they caused and usually want to make some restitution. You both can come up with ideas of what he could do instead of kicking and yelling the next time. You are helping him come up with a plan to handle frustration when his goals are being thwarted, and this is a life skill he will need. At many times in our lives we hear no and we have to handle it like an adult. Don't expect perfection from a four-year-old. It takes many practices to handle a no with maturity and aplomb, and many adults are still mastering it.

When someone comes over and he acts up for the first half-hour, again, remember that it is a very normal behavior. Many children do that. Perhaps increase your tolerance for his zest. As long as he isn't breaking anything, he may need to expend more energy during that transition time. Get him a mini trampoline to bounce on in the basement. Perhaps take him to the playground before company comes. Keep on teaching him how to handle and pet animals gently. He will eventually get it.

Lastly, many parents become exasperated and yell. However, we have to model how to deal with our anger, as that's what we are teaching the children. The next time you are tempted to yell, take deep breaths and count to ten. Remember that you are modeling anger management to a very impressionable young man. To sum up, remember to stay calm. Get him calm. Then deal with the situation or problem. This works much better in getting behavior change in the long run than applying punishment, and it leaves your relationship intact.

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Judy Arnall is the author of Discipline Without Distress: 135 Tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery.  Judy is a Professional Member of The Canadian Association of Professional Speakers and is a well-known Canadian expert on parenting information, having given advice for television interviews on Global TV, Shaw TV, CTV and national magazines such as Chatelaine, Today's Parent, Canadian Living, Globe and Mail Newspaper, Natural Parenting, ParentsCanada and Canadian Family Magazine. She is a regular contributor to Calgary's Child Magazine for the past twelve years, a regular guest on Global TV for the past five years, and a discipline/behaviour expert at Mothering Magazine Online. Judy has delivered hundreds of parent education sessions to thousands of parents and teaches Parent Effectiveness Training at The University of Calgary.  She lives in Calgary, Alberta, Canada with her husband and five children.