Parenting Blog

"There's one thing you've touched on over the years that I can happily say is now integrated in my soul, and that is that ultimately my children want my love and acceptance. I no longer have to remember this on an academic level, and repeat it as a mantra. It is there inside me naturally, and surfaces often when I feel uncertain how to proceed with a conflict. My girls are 6 and 7 and I've noticed that lately they respond with a dramatic "No!!!" when I ask them to do something they don't want to do. Instead of reacting to the "No!" as a power struggle and a test of my authority which would inevitably came out in a forceful and angry tone, I calmly repeat the request and expand on the reason, knowing all the while that they ultimately want to do what's right. I have to say, they always do what I want. When I hear another mother say that she doesn't tolerate a verbal "No" from her children and reminds them that she's the "boss", I cringe." --Terry

Most of us wish our kids would obey our every request without a fuss. But that would mean we were raising automatons who weren't thinking for themselves.  There will be many times in your child's teen years where having practiced saying No! could save her life. Your child isn't wrong to say No!; she has a reason.  It may not be what you consider a good reason, but she certainly thinks it is.

Of course, we can't always let our child's No! stand.  Often we need to reinforce our limit.  We may be able to expand on our reasoning, or turn it into a game, or give a choice, or come up with a win/win solution.  Or, we may calmly, kindly, insist on our limit even if it means our child cries about it.  After a good cry, with us kindly listening, empathizing and loving them through their upset, kids usually feel more connected to us and more willing to cooperate with our request.

In contrast, seeing their No! as a challenge to our authority always pushes our child away. We get distracted from the issue at hand by the urgent need to teach our child who's boss.  We create a power struggle.  We make it more likely that our child will begin lying to us, because we've reinforced that we're not on the same side.  And we guarantee a rebellious relationship during the teen years. 

The sad part is, all this is totally unnecessary.  Believe me, your child already knows who's boss.  Your child DOES want to please you.  And if you stick to your limit or expectation, kindly and constantly reinforcing it, your child will definitely comply.  Notice I'm not suggesting you compromise your standards.  I'm suggesting you enforce them with compassion and humor rather than authoritarian force.

Kids are constantly experimenting to understand how the world works. They test to see whether they can be themselves and still be loved by us. They watch our behavior to see if we're serious about No Hitting, No Bullying, No Disrespectful language.  

Luckily, no matter how old they get, we occupy a larger-than-life place in our child's world.  Whether they can admit it or not, what we think of them matters tremendously.  And we have the power to push their buttons like no one else. (Think about your relationship with your own parents.)

Want your kids to "behave"?  Use the most potent motivator you have:  your relationship.  Don't squander that power by fighting with your child, when compassionately insisting on your limit or expectation gets the job done and keeps everyone's dignity intact.  After all, you don't have to attend every argument to which you're invited.

Want more ideas on connecting with your child and setting empathic limits?  Join me for a free teleclass TONIGHT!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

6pmPST/9pmEST

Dr. Laura Markham interviewed by Jessica Williams of the Ultimate Parenting Course

FREE TELECLASS

"Attachment Beyond Babyhood," and "Empathetic Limits."

REGISTER HERE!