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"Most of us seem to carry a nagging inner chorus of self-judgments and harsh, unkind thoughts: echoes of the less-enlightened voices of our parents, internalized oppression, self-protective defenses that long ago lost their utility. We strive so hard to do the right thing, to somehow convince these voices that we are worthy, that we are enough. But we are arguing our case before a rigged jury. These voices are tape recordings that only know how to say, "Guilty as charged! Not good enough!" -- Robert Gass
The good news is, you’re being protected by something very powerful: your mind. The mind’s job is to keep you safe, and it doesn’t mess around. It’s constantly observing, comparing, analyzing, running scenarios, and setting off alarms. You know the alarms as those constant anxious thoughts: “Maybe I should have insisted he eat his breakfast….Look how her kids behave so beautifully….I bet they sleep at night, too…Did I remember that permission slip?…I better hurry so I’m not late to work…Please don’t let him cry when I say goodbye…”
The bad news is, the mind can’t be turned off, so we never get a
break. The worse news is, the mission of the mind is survival, so it’s
motivated solely by fear. Happiness is not in its job description.
Because we can’t switch our minds off, our inner critics are constantly
looping through negative thought patterns. Brain research shows that
our minds actually follow certain patterns that get etched into our
neural pathways with frequent use. This often shows up as “My child is doing X… That means I’m a terrible mother and a worthless human being.” Sound familiar?
It's not your mind's fault. It's supposed to keep you poised for fight
or flight with constant warnings. But your mind thinks the answer is
for you to start being perfect, right now. And for your child to start
being perfect, which means perfectly under your control. Those are not
only impossible goals, they wouldn't make you happy even if you could
achieve them. Not to mention that your child would be miserable and
would act worse. Being parents gives us the responsibility to nurture,
not the right to control.
Your mind is only doing its job. Just don't believe everything your mind tells you.
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Comments
eat breakfast so i'm a terrible mom? or nanny :)
The tone of our mind depends on how we were raised. So you're right; even though the nature of the mind will still be "busy" and "anxious" it can be more or less kind, fun, etc. So to manage our minds, we can retrain them:
“Maybe I should have insisted he eat his breakfast….Look how her kids behave so beautifully….I bet they sleep at night, too…Did I remember that permission slip?…I better hurry so I’m not late to work…Please don’t let him cry when I say goodbye…” becomes
"He does seem cranky, I wonder if that's because he didn't eat? Hmm... how can I get a quick snack for him now, and I'll have to give some thought later to having breakfasts run more smoothly......Look how her kids behave so beautifully....It makes me a bit
jealous....But I know how he feels inside is more important than how he behaves and he's a wonderful boy who is doing his best, when he doesn't behave, like now, there's a reason -- for instance, he's hungry. I do wish he would sleep better at night; tonight
I commit to getting to bed a bit earlier myself...Where did the time go, I don't want to be late to work...Let me calm myself before I say goodbye to him, so I can be really present with him during our goodbye....It is ok if he cries when we say goodbye, naturally
he has big feelings about it....the teacher will comfort him....my job is not to stop him from feeling, but to acknowledge how he feels and love him through it....I can accept all of his feelings, and all of mine....I am more than enough just the way I am."
Make sense?