Parenting Blog

My Aha Parenting Moment this week was saying goodbye to my son, who is headed off to college for the first time. I’ve already done some crying and grieving this summer as I looked ahead to this moment, so I’m happy to say that I didn’t burst into tears.  I want him to head into his future whole-heartedly, loving me and knowing I’m always there for him, but not thinking he has to take care of me, or that somehow his pursuit of happiness compromises mine.

I did hug him fiercely.  “My little baby!” I said.  “Look how great you grew up!”
“Too fast.” He said.
I had to agree.  Way too fast.

I spoke to a friend, who dropped her son off at college last week.  “He was so present and loving and sad to say goodbye” she said.  “But now when I call him, he’ll barely give me the time of day.”

And that’s part of the dance of independence too, right?   Our kids NEED to believe in their ability to make it on their own.  They don’t WANT to connect with parents too much when they’re away from us, or it awakens the feelings of neediness and dependency they’re trying hard to overcome.  That’s also why teenagers don’t want to take our advice.  They need to feel like they can run their  own lives.  So when we “over-parent” our teens, we may see them making better choices, but it can cost them in self-esteem, the confidence that they can find their own way through life’s challenges.  

It’s not really so different from the stage all parents of toddlers are familiar with:  “I’ll do it myself!”  Who cares if they do it exactly right, if they get the satisfaction and the practice of moving toward independence?  Of course, the stakes are higher with the choices teens are making.  Which gives us all the more reason to start letting them practice when they're toddlers.

This is the first time it really hit me that parenting is Planned Obsolesence, where we do ourselves out of a job.  Realizing your 18 year old is beginning his new life separate from his parents makes it a pretty profound Aha! Moment.  We give birth to these utterly dependent creatures.  Our job is to meet their needs in each developmental phase so they can progress to the next phase.  If we do our job right, they start meeting their own needs by interacting with the world, without us at their side.  AND, as my son said, it happens WAY too fast.   

So however old your child is, and however far away 18 may feel,  please hug your child fiercely today, and enjoy him or her.  Then take his cues about when to meet his needs and when to let him take those steps toward independence.  That, after all, is the dance of parenting.