Parenting Blog

"Whereas he was once the center of your universe, he has been displaced from this paradise. He is now in time out, while you coo at his tiny rival. You cannot, of course, push back the clock to a time when he, alone, was the apple of your eye. All the same, trying to imagine how frustrated your 3 year old must often feel can help you counteract his sense of loss. Your expressions of love, gestures of devotion, and moments of intimacy with your son can help him feel less deserted and alone. Helping your son recapture a sense of shared joy in his relationship with you will turn down the fuel of his hate, and--in addition--smooth the pathway to his identification with you as a loving, protective, sharing person. Like all small children, he wants at moments to be an indulged infant and at other moments to be a powerful grown-up, someone capable of indulging and taking care of others. Part of your son wants to cherish and protect his little sister, and you will be gladdened bit by bit as the growth of this grown-up, protecting person begins to express itself more powerfully in his personality." -- Elizabeth Berger

Today we wrap up our discussion of what to do when the almost-3- year old pees on the baby.  Last week we looked at why spankings and timeouts just increase the amount of anger your little one is feeling and make it even harder, over time, for him to control himself. (If you missed that post, it's here.)  Tuesday, we considered whether Sticker charts work for a crime of passion like this.  Wednesday, we nailed the real solution -- helping our little guy surface and heal the feelings driving his behavior -- in How much more love and affection can I give him?

Today, let's talk about connection. We've had long emails recently.  We'll keep this short.

Our children's bond with us is the only reason they have to cooperate with our agendas, which quite naturally aren't important to them. But our children's connection with us takes constant renewal.  Most of us know that we need to consciously reconnect with our children after even short separations, and after any negative interaction.

But we often forget that when little ones have strong negative feelings, they disconnect from us. This can happen many times a day, as children feel frustrated, disappointed, hurt, sad, defeated.  These feelings often swamp them, disconnect them from their own internal compass of the heart, and leave them feeling isolated and adrift.

That's why children need us to reconnect with them, over and over, many times a day.  That reconnection can be very simple -- a smile, a hug, a bedtime story.

But often children need more.  A longer snuggle. A hug by both parents at once.  To fall asleep in our arms.  A pillow fight to release their frustrations and reconnect with us through play.  To have us notice them with total attention and say what we see:  "You are using lots of blue in your painting."  Time to "show" us the big emotions they need help with, as we described in yesterday's post. Just for maintenance, every child needs Special Time every single day, even if it's only 20 minutes.

When there's a new baby, that can be hard to do.  But it's worth figuring out.  It keeps your bond with each child strong.  It supports your child in whatever he's going through and helps him thrive.  It makes it more likely that your children will get along with each other as they get older. And it makes your child WANT to behave, rather than peeing on the baby.

In the end, it is always about love. Love never fails.

Have a wonderful weekend.
Coming up next week:  Shorter posts (I promise!), including how to manage our own emotions to be the parents we want to be.
Dr. Laura