Parenting Blog

Dr. Laura -- You said in your daily email yesterday that "Happy parents think in terms of long-term development rather than short-term compliance. They don’t punish, even with “timeouts” or “consequences.” Instead, they encourage and guide, helping kids develop the emotional intelligence they need to make wise choices. They're committed to seeing things from their child's point of view so kids feel heard and understood. As a result, kids "own" parental limits and internalize self-discipline at an earlier age."   So... how?   Can you give some examples? I learn by example and would really like to put this into practice. -- Kate

It's a fair question. So today's post consists of questions I hear frequently from parents, with suggestions that foster emotional intelligence. Remember that the links with each question have many more suggestions for that age/issue, including examples of what to say to your child.

Your 8 month old wants to feed herself but she makes a huge mess.  To reduce the risk of power struggles around food, eating disorders and obesity later in life, you want your baby to take charge of her own eating as soon as possible. That may well conflict with your desire for a clean kitchen, high chair, and baby. It may even conflict with an image you have of yourself as a nurturing mother bird spooning food into her chick's open mouth.

But the latest research shows that the sooner babies assume control of their eating, the healthier their attitudes toward food. That means no airplane games where you coax baby to open her mouth when she'd like to keep it shut. I'm not saying she's ready to handle her own spoon immediately, although I'd certainly let her try.  I'm just suggesting that you see the time period of spoon-feeding as limited, and instead emphasize foods she can feed herself. For more on babies and solid food, click here.

Your 13 month old is becoming increasingly resistant and engaging in power struggles, for instance refusing to get into her carseat and screaming when she can't have what she wants.  This is the age that takes parents by surprise.  But it's completely appropriate for kids to have their own opinions, and develop a sense of their own power in the world. That's the first step towards taking responsibility for themselves, which you want to encourage.

Use your size advantage as a last resort because every time you make her "lose" you're increasing her tendency to be oppositional.  Remember that it takes two to have a power struggle and your job is to avoid them.  Instead, look for win/win solutions that meet both your needs.  What she wants is control, so offer her palatable choices, either of which you can accept: "Do you want to climb into the carseat yourself, or do you want me to zoom you in like an airplane coming in for a landing?" 

And you'll be amazed at how empathy defuses emotion, even at this age:  "You are crying, you really wish you could have that, but that's not for babies."  He will cry harder for a few moments (as we all do when we feel understood and the floodgates open) but then he'll be able to let it go and move on to other things. For more examples of fostering emotional intelligence with this age group, see these answers to reader's letters: 13 month old already fighting with mom, Tantrums in 13 month old.

Your two year old shows no interest in the potty. So let him wait.  Fights about his body are fights you will never win. You want this to be his idea, and then it will be painless for everyone. I guarantee he will use the potty eventually; the only question is whether it happens easily and effortlessly or causes you and him grief. Your best bet is to expose him to other kids who use the potty so he wants to get in on the game.  For more on potty learning, click here.  And here's the answer to a letter Potty Training Struggles with Toddler who Won't Go.

Your three year old hits the baby.  First of all, never leave a three year old alone with a baby.  The stakes are too high.  Second, set limits but refrain from punishing, which will just make him feel (and act) worse. Third, understand that introducing a baby into the family can't help but send your older child into a panic. Naturally he assumes you got a replacement because he isn't good enough. 

Now's the time to step up those games that let him giggle off the stress and convince him you adore him.  Every day, spend 20 minutes playing the bumbler as you chase him, hug, kiss, let him get away and repeat again and again: "I need my Michael fix....You can't get away...I have to hug you and cover you with kisses....oh, no, you got away...I'm coming after you....I just have to kiss you more and hug you more....You're too fast for me....But I'll never give up...I love you too much...I got you....Now I'll kiss your toes....Oh, no, you're too strong for me...But I will always want more MIchael hugs...." 

Did you know that giggling discharges the same stress hormones as tantrumming? Kids who are stressed (and every child who has a new sibling is stressed) are so much happier and more cooperative when they have a daily chance to vent, and this game also deepens your relationship with your child.

For more on this issue, see How to Help Your Child Adjust to the New Baby and these answers to letters: Easing Sibling Rivalry with New Baby, Positive Discipline when Toddler Hits Baby, and 3 Year Old Hitting Little Sister.