Parenting Blog

"The truth is that so many of the parenting techniques we have used or that were used on us as children are actually based in fear, not love.  They are fear-based techniques disguised as love.  Motivating children to behave or to respond appropriately to parental requests using sticker charts, point systems, consequences, or removal of privileges is about fear, not love."  -- Heather T. Forbes

We usually justify fear-based parenting practices by saying that kids need to learn lessons.  But kids already know what the right thing to do is.  If they don't, then teaching is in order, not punishment. 

If your child knows what's right but doesn't choose to do it, then what's stopping him?  Often, disconnection.  When kids feel connected to their parents, they find it easier to regulate themselves. What's more, they WANT to choose what will please the parent. They feel good, and they make choices that will keep them feeling good.

That's why fear-based parenting techniques don't work.  They make kids feel worse about themselves, and more disconnected from us.

When in doubt, take a deep breath and connect.  Later, when everyone's calm, there will be plenty of time to teach.