Parenting Blog

"2 year-olds argue with their parents 20 to 25 times an hour." -- Child Development

Between 12 and 15 months, we learn a wonderful word:  "No!"
It's an ecstatic discovery.  We learn we are separate, autonomous beings with a will of our own who can impact what happens in the world.  We delight in saying, "No!" at every opportunity.

Our "No" is actually a big "YES!."
It's an awesome, pure expression of our life force.

After the first cute "No" or two, our parents are usually less than delighted.  In fact, this developmental stage launches what's often called the "terrible twos."  Rarely are our ecstatic expressions of primal life force affirmed.  Do you remember your father or mother saying:
"I love your independence and autonomy!"
"I see that you're learning to stand up for your own truth, which will really help you later in life."

More common messages are along the lines of:
"Do what I tell you!"
"Don't you dare talk back!"
There may be the threat—or the reality—of punishment or physical force.  There is almost always the withdrawal of love, as parents walk away when little ones tantrum.

Being powerless and utterly dependent, we soon learn to hide our No's.  We begin to resort to whining, passive resistance, manipulation, or very often, actual denial of our needs.

So when our little one falls in love with the word NO! alarm bells start ringing for us.  We think we MUST teach him who's in charge, right away.  But this isn't about who is in charge.  Your child knows you're in charge.  This is about your child's right to his feelings, even while you honor your responsibility to keep him safe and healthy.

It IS possible to say "No" in a way that honors your own truth, while still staying in positive contact with your child.  It IS possible to honor both your needs and your child's age-appropriate need to assert herself. The secret?  

1. Stop seeing your child's NO as something you need to overcome. Instead, see it as a YES offering in a duet dance of negotiation. Every dance is a chance to partner with your child, and that foundation of partnership will create more joy -- not to mention better behavior--in the years ahead.

2. Don't take it personally.  Your child is allowed to have a different view than yours.  Her willingness to be different is a strength you want to nurture.

3. Listen to your child's No.  "You're saying NO, No bath!  I hear you!"  Sometimes being heard is all our child needs. And the more your child feels seen, heard and acknowledged, the less he'll need to get your attention by being contrary.

4. Listen to the YES behind the NO.  "You love playing with the toy horse;, you don't want to stop for a bath, right?  You can keep right on playing!  Let's gallop these horses into the bathroom!  They're all dusty from riding all day!" 

5. Sidestep the NO! by making your request an invitation to play.  The secret to smooth transitions is using yourself as the bridge, and no child can refuse your invitation to play.  "Climb on my back, Cowboy, we're headed for the bathtub in the hills!"

6. Sidestep the NO! by giving your child a choice.  Win-win parenting means you both get what you need.  "NO bath?  Maybe you and the horses need to be hosed down in the kitchen sink?"  Who cares where he gets clean? 

7. Sidestep the NO! by honoring his autonomy without giving up your request.  "NO Bath right now?  Ok, Sweetie.  But when you're ready, you may look at the plastic containers in the kitchen and be in charge of which ones you want to play with in the tub."   Telling your child he "may" do something is magic.  You won't be able to restrain him from the bath.

8. Join the No.  "Whatever you do, DON"T get in the bathtub.  NO, NO, NO, don't turn on the water!! NO, NO, NO, don't take off your clothes!!"

9.  Just say YES!  Match the exuberance of your YES! to your child's No.  Trust yourself to find a way to make both you and your child happy by responding to her No with all the Yes energy you can summon.  "YES, it's time for your bath, and YES you can bring your horses, and YES you can ride on my back up the stairs on my back up the stairs, and YES I love you so much and YES, LET"S GO!" Your child will match your generosity of spirit.

10. Honor the autonomy under the NO.   "Want to be in charge of turning on the water and deciding what toys go in the bath?  Who should take your clothes off?"

11. Honor the disappointment when you can't agree with the No.  When you need to put your foot down, you can say your No with empathy and compassion for your child.  "I'm sorry, Sweetie, it's time.  That makes you sad.  Come here, Sweetie, I think you need a snuggle."

Remember that you can always find a way to meet both your needs.  If you keep your sense of humor, and honor both your own NO and your child's, you can always find a way to get past the word NO --  to the YES! energy right behind it.

 
(Special thanks to Robert Gass, who inspired today's message.)