Parenting Blog

"Dr.  Laura, I've already given up on my New Year's Resolution to be a more patient mother because I've blown it over and over."

"Just because I sometimes fall, it doesn't mean I regret the flight." -- Carrie Newcomer

How are you doing at keeping your New Year's resolutions? 

(a) Great!
(b) Not so great.
(c) I've given up on keeping my resolution.
(d) I gave up making resolutions a long time ago because they always fail.

If you answered anything other than (a), join the club.  Change is hard.  If it were easy, we wouldn't need all these resolutions.  But that doesn't mean it isn't worth trying. Of course you'll make mistakes, and you won't be perfect.  But you'll be headed in the right direction.

I personally don't love the idea of New Year's resolutions because they set us up for failure.  But I love the momentum the new year gives us to make changes in our lives.  So I think in terms of changing my habits, and I take it one step at a time. Even a big change starts with a foundation of good habits that support us.  For instance, you can't stop yelling at your kids if you're over-scheduled and stressed out all the time.

So forget about resolutions.  Is there something you want to change in 2011 to keep growing into the parent — and the person — you want to be?  Go ahead, say it.  What would you change?

1. Commit yourself by saying your goal aloud as if you're already accomplishing it.  Write it down where you'll see it tomorrow.

For instance:  "I am becoming a more patient mother."

2. What's the first step? 

For instance: "Today I will take a deep breath and calm myself when I start to feel stressed with the kids."
 
3. Do that first step today.  If it doesn't work, refine it.

For instance:  "Better, but still hard to get calm when I feel frustrated. Tomorrow add a mantra:  'They're acting like kids because they are kids.'" 
You may find yourself doing this same step for a month.  That's ok, that's how long it takes for a new habit to stick.

4. Tomorrow, take the next step.

For instance:  "I think I'd be more patient if I were less stressed about getting them into bed.  I'm going to start the whole bedtime routine half an hour earlier so I can really enjoy reading and snuggling with them."

5. Assume you'll be taking lots of steps backward.  That doesn't mean you've failed.  As James A. Michener said, "Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries."  Every day, forgive yourself.  Then figure out the next step in the right direction. 

Life is simply the slow accumulation of moments, and each moment we have a chance to change directions.   Even if we change our reaction to only a few moments today, we’ll find ourselves heading into a whole new landscape.  Just take it one step at a time.