Parenting Blog

"When we act with love, trying to understand the other person, it is easy, natural to have more patience." -- Alice Uchida

Sometimes we have a hard day.  We have an interaction with our child that leaves wounds.

Or we find ourselves in an escalating cycle with our child, where we see everything she does through a negative lens.

How can we recover, heal, repair the relationship, move back into a positive cycle?

1. Write a list of all the things you appreciate about your child.  Make sure you write at least a page.  Stalled out?  Think back to when she was a baby.  Or reflect on how every "fault" you see in your child is actually a strength if seen from another perspective, and list those strengths.

2. See it from his perspective.  Your child is not out to get you.  Your child is only seeking to get his needs met as best he can.  If he's using strategies that don't work so well, maybe you can figure out how to help him meet those needs more constructively.  For instance:

• A child who's hitting a younger sibling is almost always acting out of fear -- that you don't love him as much, that his territory is being invaded. Aggression is a defense against fear or pain.
• A child who's being difficult and cranky usually needs to cry in the safety of your arms.
• A child who's being obstinate usually needs more autonomy and opportunities to explore her power in the world.
• A child who acts disrespectful needs more connection with you -- and possibly more respect from you.
• A child who's pushing you past your limits needs you to set a limit so he feels safe -- and to set it empathically so he feels understood at the same time.

3. Let her know how much you love her.  Notice her, and acknowledge her without judgment so she feels seen and accepted ("You love that!"..."You're frustrated"....."You're working hard on that.") Play the Fix game daily.  At bedtime, ask her what was good about her day, and listen while you stroke her hair. Tell her all the things you love about her.  Tell her how lucky you are to be her parent. 

After this, you should see an immediate difference in your relationship with your child, and therefore in his behavior.  If you feel yourself becoming negative, just remember that whatever your child does, it's your response to it that either calms or inflames the storm.  Kids can't learn unless they feel safe, relaxed and connected. If you don't know what to do, err on the side of compassion:  Stop, Drop (however you're about to respond) and Hug.