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“I'm afraid that if I continue to parent my son as I did
when he was a baby
(meeting his needs), he won't learn to control his
emotions." -- Joanna
It's true that when little ones get to
about 14 months, parenting gets more complicated. Babies
have needs that parents aspire to meet whenever possible. Kids have
wants, which are their strategies to meet their needs. We still try to
meet kids' needs, of course -- but we can't, and shouldn't, meet all
their wants. That's where parents have to get creative, or maybe where
the real parenting begins!
But this fear so many of us have about whether our child
will learn to control his emotions is, I think, where we start to go
wrong as parents. Most of us assume that when kids stop
being so easily controlled, we have to stop giving them
unconditional
love. We start putting conditions on our love in order to
control them. We think we're changing their behavior but in actuality
we're withdrawing the support they need to thrive.
And this is all based on a mistaken idea of
how kids learn to control emotions. Denying emotion or
making ourselves wrong for having emotions doesn't help us control them.
Here's how a child actually learns to control his emotions:
1. We
accept ALL of his feelings, and help our child feel safe
enough to
express them, even while we limit his actions (for
instance, he can be
as mad as he wants, but he can't hit.)
2. We resist all
forms of discipline, which are essentially punishment (such
as time
outs, or consequences.) Instead, we meet our child's needs,
including her need for a deep nurturing connection with us, which
eliminates most "misbehavior." Then, we help our child stay on track
with positive,
respectful guidance, help processing emotion,
and scaffolding (which just means that we help them to learn
the skills
until they can do it themselves.)
3. We model healthy emotional self-management by
resisting our own
little "tantrums" such as yelling and instead
choosing to
speak
respectfully to our child and everyone else. (This is the
one most of us are still working on!)
When kids feel good, they "act good." Kids who are parented
this
way turn out to be respectful, considerate, delightful kids,
right
through the teen years. They learn to "control" their
emotions because they have a healthy emotional life, not because they
have been humiliated, made wrong, or forced to be untrue to themselves
in some way.
If you're still working on "controlling" your own
"tantrums," you'll be glad to hear that your kids will almost certainly
be better at managing their emotions than you are. Why? You're doing
the hard work now to help them learn how!
Join me live at noon ET on the Great Parenting Show TODAY to hear more about how kids develop the ability to manage their emotions.
==> http://greatparentingshow.com/
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I do when misbehavior can't be adjusted with understanding, communication, and love? I think all these parenting tips are really good, but they also all miss out on that final bad behavior that does not respond to the proclaimed methods. What do I do then?
Do I resort to what we don't want to do (i.e. time-outs etc.)?
can pick him up). And then I almost immediately cringe, because I think about how I would feel if someone said that to me if I was really upset. It would make me feel as if my feelings weren't important at all and that the other person finds me too inconvenient
to try to understand at that moment. Not what I want my son to feel! I've got to be better about being sympathetic and accepting his outburst instead of trying to stop it, and to remember that it's a sign he really needs connection with me. Thanks for the
timely reminder!
old as exhibiting "bad behavior" !
Here are two examples of what I mean with toddlers. One is about leaving the playground. Please note that the toddler does not respond well -- in fact, the toddler cries a lot and never agrees to leave. But there is never a need to give a timeout or punish
or humiliate. Here's that url: http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/Setting_Limits_Leaving_the_Playground/
The other is about a toddler who splashes in the bathtub and won't heed parental requests to stop. Again, the toddler does not end up responding to what you calling "methods" to convince her to get out. But this post explains clearly why we don't need to punish
her, we just get her out of the tub: http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/Helping_Your_Child_WANT_to_Cooperate_with_Your_Requests/
I can't take back, I find a pillow and take a few swipes at it while saying, "I'm SO ANGRY right now!" and then say why I'm angry. I've noticed that he's been doing the same thing more and more. It sure is nice to know why he's angry/frustrated. We have a
stepping stone to work on. Oh, and for the toys? I'll usually tell him that he's allowed to help me clean them up - if he wants. More often than not, just the wording makes him want to help!