Parenting Blog

“After decades of clinical experience and familiarizing ourselves with the relevant research, we have concluded that the most important aspect of personality – the stability or instability of a person’s inner happiness – is entirely determined by the nurture a child receives." -- Pieper and Pieper

What's stable inner happiness?  The ability to maintain a positive feeling about oneself and the world, regardless of outside events.  Most of us call that resilience.

Does that sound impossible?  It isn't.  While some people have an inherited tendency to better moods and more optimism than others, "stable internal happiness" can be fostered in any child.

How?  Unconditional love. In practice, that means:

1. Acceptance of all of who your child is, including his more difficult traits and emotions, which teaches self-acceptance.
2. Setting limits on actions (guiding) with empathy instead of being punitive, which makes life lessons palatable.
3. Providing a calm "holding environment"  for upsets, which teaches emotional regulation.
4. Making sure your child knows that you are committed to him and will do whatever you can to help him thrive and be happy, which convinces a child that he's loved, lovable, and worthy.

Kids who are lucky enough to experience unconditional love flourish.  They don't get in their own way, and they make the most of whatever hands they're dealt.  These kids develop stable internal happiness early, by about age twelve. Setbacks from the outside world -- lost ball games, a flubbed test, even a family move that leaves friends behind -- throw them for much briefer times than other kids. They take whatever wisdom they can from difficulties and return fairly quickly to their normal happy state.

But given the rarity of unconditional love in our culture, many of us don’t achieve stable inner happiness until our twenties, and some of us work toward it our whole lives.  How?  We learn to parent ourselves with unconditional love.  More on that next week!