Parenting Blog

"Because it's almost impossible for parents to give their young children all the attention they want, whenever they want it, most children form the belief that they aren't really important.  Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to suppress that feeling and being ashamed of it." -- Morty Lefkoe

Most of us deny that somewhere inside we feel unimportant.  We can't bear the feeling, so we've buried it. Even if we do feel unimportant at times, we're ashamed to admit it.  Meanwhile, slights and disrespect upset us.  If we were confident of our importance in the world, we wouldn't even notice disrespect, much less feel slighted by it.

And yet most of us raise our children -- the children we adore, would do anything for, even if they do sometimes drive us crazy -- to secretly feel unimportant.

How do we do this?  The list is endless, and we all do them:

• We give them the message that our work is more important, by going off to work while they're crying behind us. 
• We give in to their demands even though we (and, secretly, they) know the request we're granting is bad for them, because it's easier than setting limits and loving them through their upset. 
• We give them the message that they're not as important as our chores; we're "too busy" to sit and play with them or just hang out.
• We spend family time at movies or watching TV instead of interacting.
• We don't listen deeply to their feelings or opinions.
• We call them "drama queens" instead of respecting the depth of their feelings.
• We don't accept our child's angry, sad or other "negative" feelings, so he feels like only part of him is ok and the rest is shameful.
• We cast around for "playdates" on weekends even though they've been at childcare all week, so we can get some time to ourselves.
• We get exasperated at having to "do" for our child.
• We work from home in their presence, which they interpret as meaning our work is more important than their needs.
• We travel a lot for work.
• We go on trips with our spouse when our children are small.
• We don't want to give our kids a "swelled head" so we withhold admiration.
• We give admiration for surface things, like looks, rather than who our child is inside and the choices she makes.

Even if you've never done any of these things -- and who hasn't?! -- what percentage of the time do young children want their parents' attention?  100%?  No wonder most kids form the belief that they're unimportant, or not valued for who they are.

No parent is perfect.  We will all, sometimes, unintentionally give our kids this message.  How can we compensate? Just by according our child the respect of acknowledging his needs, whenever possible.

This weekend, notice what message you give your child about her importance.  That doesn't mean putting her needs first.  It means acknowledging them and balancing them with your own.  For instance, "I really want to hear what you have to say to me.  As soon as I'm done with this, I will give you my full attention." Follow up on your promise.

May your weekend be filled with miracles, large and small.