Parenting Blog

"But what do I do when they jump all over and get too wild?  Last week they broke the lamp and there was glass all over.  I was yelling like a crazy woman.  I don't know which scared them more -- me or the glass." - Camille

"If our kids have become bothersome speed bumps, we need to wake up and pull off the road before we really hurt somebody." -- Scott Cooper

Many parents try so hard to be patient that they let things get out of hand. Then they snap.  Next thing you know, you're yelling and threatening, casting about for an appropriate punishment to teach a lesson.  That's not the emotional regulation you want to model.  And since it sends your child into fight or flight, it doesn't help him learn.

Luckily, we can often see these situations coming and prevent them.  Kids show us when they're getting riled up. Don't just hope for the best.  It's our job to notice when our child is headed down the wrong path, and reel her back in. How?

1. Set limits BEFORE you get angry.  The minute you start getting angry, it’s a signal to do something. No, not yell.  It’s time to intervene in a positive way to prevent more of whatever behavior is irritating you.
 
2. Stop whatever you're doing.  Tell the person on the phone you'll call them back.  Close the laptop.  Turn off the stove. Give your full attention, temporarily, to solving this problem before it gets bigger.
 
3. Go physically to your child.  Don't try to yell across the room.  Your child is spinning out of control, and unless you move in close and get in his face in a friendly way, you can't get through to him.

4. Connect before you correct. Make a positive connection with your child BEFORE you ask him to do something different.  “You two are having lots of fun with this rough-housing, aren’t you?”
 
5. Empathize with whatever your child is expressing.  If you address the needs and feelings behind the behavior, your child feels less defensive, and you can find a better solution. “You need to be rambunctious and let off steam after a day of working hard at school.”
 
6. Set Limits.  State your rule or expectation, firmly and kindly.  “But you're getting wild.  I’m worried that you might roll into the lamp or the TV.”
 
7. Offer an alternative, and maybe a choice.  "This kind of play belongs in the basement on the tumbling mat, or outside. Outside? Ok, out!"

8. Maintain safety.   If you're worried that someone's about to get hurt, restate rules: "Remember, play wrestling is fine, but no hitting!"  Or if one child is overpowering another, join in so it's them against you. "Hey, why don't you pick on someone your own size?"

9. Help them unwind. Sometimes you need to redirect to a calmer activity.  But often when kids are really wound-up, they're about to melt down.  If you sense a melt-down brewing, test it by moving in close and setting a limit.  "Ok, Sweetie, time to calm down now. That's enough rowdiness." If she calms down, great! If she bursts into tears, great! Better those feelings should come out by crying in your arms than by her hurting her little brother.

10. Make sure your kids have a safe place to be wild. Like puppies or bear cubs, kids need to roll around, wrestle, climb and jump. Our modern lives don't always offer them that opportunity. If you don't have a yard, or a basement with a tumbling mat, make their room safe for roughhousing, and make sure they get plenty of playtime at the playground or park. If you don't, your couch will start to look a lot like a trampoline, and your lamps will be living dangerously.
 

Notice how much easier it is when you set the limit BEFORE you get mad?  Just calmly, kindly, cheerfully do whatever is necessary — for instance, sending them outside or into separate rooms -- to keep the situation, and your anger, from escalating.   Wildness is normal for kids.  But broken glass and yelling are optional.