Parenting Blog

"Dr. Laura -- You talk about setting limits and it sounds so easy.  But how do I actually get my kid to do what's right?" -- Amber

How do we get kids to "do right"?  We can:

1. Force them physically. This only works when they're a lot smaller.  Kids raised this way usually rebel against "doing right" as they get older.

2. Manipulate them emotionally.  Again, this doesn't raise kids who make wise choices and only works until they figure it out. It's not really a model of relationships that you want to give your child.

3. Set up the environment to make it more likely that they'll feel good enough to "do right."  This is essential when kids are small.  We baby-proof, make sure they get enough sleep, don't drag them on errands when they're hungry.  But we can't always control their environment, especially as they get older.  Again, our goal is to raise a kid who will choose to "do right" regardless of environmental pressures.

4. Raise a kid who WANTS to do right.  Bingo!
But how's that done, exactly?

• Love them unconditionally (meaning accept all of who they are, including those messy "negative" emotions). This fills their cups, and helps them manage their unruly emotions.  That makes them WANT to do right, and once they can manage their emotions they can actually manage their behavior.
• Foster emotional intelligence so they aren't driven by emotional turmoil to make poor choices -- and can right themselves when they trip up, as we all do.
• Set up routines that gradually create good habits, like sitting with them to do their homework when they're small.
• Help them learn what's right -- and WANT to do it -- by setting empathic limits. The limits teach them what's right. The empathy makes the limits palatable so they eventually "own" them.

So while setting limits IS about getting our kids to do what's right today, the way we set those limits will determine whether they continue to "do right" as teenagers, and for the rest of their lives.  What's more, the ability to make those wise choices will determine their future success and happiness.

That's how we get kids to do what's right.  But I haven't really answered Amber's question, which is how to set limits so kids will choose to "do what's right" -- today, and always.  Which I look forward to talking with you about tomorrow!