Parenting Blog

All kids -- like all humans -- get angry.  Anger is a defense against deeper feelings of fear, hurt, disappointment, and pain.  When those feelings are too devastating, we automatically move into anger to keep ourselves from feeling so much pain.  We mobilize against the perceived threat by attacking. (The best defense is a good offense.)

Sometimes attacking makes sense, but only when there is actually a threat.  That's rare.  Most of the time when kids get angry, they want to attack their little brother (who broke their treasured memento), their parents (who disciplined them "unfairly"), their teacher (who embarrassed them) or the playground bully (who scared them.)

When kids live in a home where anger is handled in a healthy way, they generally learn to manage their anger constructively.  That means:

* Controlling aggressive impulses - By the time they're in kindergarten, kids should be able to tolerate the flush of adrenaline and other "fight" chemicals in the body  without acting on them by clobbering someone. As we accept our child's anger and remain calm, she lays down the neural pathways -- and learns the emotional skills -- to calm down without hurting herself, others, or property.

  * Acknowledging the more threatening feelings under the anger - Once the child can let himself experience his grief over the broken treasure, his hurt that his mother was unfair, his shame when he didn't know the answer in class, or his fear when his classmate threatened him, he can move on.  He no longer needs his anger to defend against these feelings, so the anger evaporates. 

 * Constructive Problem-Solving - The goal is for your child to use the anger as an impetus to change things as necessary so the situation won't be repeated. This may include moving his treasures out of little brother's reach, or getting parental help to deal with the bully.  It may also include acknowledging his own contribution to the problem, so that he resolves to do a better job following his parents' rules, or to come to class more prepared.

Obviously, it takes years of parental guidance for kids to learn these skills.  By the time kids are in kindergarten, though, they should have developed the neural pathways to calm themselves so that they can control their aggressive impulses even when they're very upset.  If parents are able to help kids feel safe enough to express their anger and explore the feelings underneath, kids are able to increasingly move past their anger into constructive problem-solving during the grade-school years.

How can parents help kids learn to manage their anger?

1. Remember that all feelings are allowed. Only actions need to be limited.

2. Never send a child away to "calm down" by herself. Remember that kids need your love most when they "deserve it least."

3. Stay close and connected when your child is upset.  If you know what's going on, acknowledge it: "You are so angry that your tower fell."  If you don't know, say what you see: "You are crying now."

Give explicit permission: "It's ok, everyone needs to cry (or gets mad, or feels very sad) sometimes. I will stay right here while you get all your sads and mads out."  If you can touch him, do so soothingly: "Here's my hand on your back, loving you."  If he yells at you to go away, say: "You want me to go away.  I will step back like this.  But I am right here.  I won't leave you alone with these big scary feelings."

4. . Stay calm.  Kids learn from you that anger and other upsetting feelings are not so scary as they seem -- after all, Mom isn't scared of them.  That's how they learn to soothe themselves. 

If you are in the habit of yelling at your kids, know that you are modeling behavior that your child will adopt by the time she's a teen, if not well before.  It is possible to stop yelling.  Really.  I've seen many parents do it. If you want help to stop yelling, you might want to listen to my MP3, "How to Stop Yelling at Your Child."

I'll also be doing a live audio workshop in September to support parents who want to stop yelling.  If you want to be notified about that workshop, please drop me a note.

5. Help your child develop emotional intelligence.  Kids who are comfortable with their feelings manage their anger constructively.  There's a whole section on this website on emotional intelligence.

The good news?  Just by paying attention to your parenting, you're giving your child tools you weren't given when you were growing up.  You came out ok.  Your child will be even better off.  Feels good, doesn't it?