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"Throw the word "consequence" entirely out of your vocabulary and replace it with the term "problem-solving."--Becky Eanes
"My 3.5yr old was sitting on the couch after bath wearing her towel and said NO about 5x to get
in her pj's. I was busy w/ the baby and I heard my husband say "OK
fine - no books then" and this quote popped into my head and I said
"Hey! We've got a problem - it's bedtime and you need to be in your PJ's
- How do YOU think we should solve it?" And just like that - she got a
big grin her face, suggested we all clap our hands and march our feet
and we formed a line right into her room - happily! Same thing for
teeth brushing and potty later! Each time I said "Hey, great problem
solving skills! Thank you!" And her response? "You're welcome mama -
no problem!" - Carrie
Most parenting experts suggest that when children "misbehave" the best response is "consequences." Parents are told that letting children experience the consequences of their poor choices will teach them lessons. Makes sense, right?
Well, no.
I love natural consequences as a teacher. We all have to learn that if we don't remember our lunch, we'll go hungry.
But when most parents use consequences for discipline, they aren't the natural result of the child’s actions (“I forgot my lunch today so I was hungry”). Instead, they have become for children the threats they hear through their parents’ clenched teeth: “If I have to stop this car and come back there, there will be CONSEQUENCES!!”
In other words, Consequences mean Punishment. Whether you're threatening the loss of a privilege or a timeout, that is punishment. And punishment has been proven repeatedly to backfire in child-raising. Quite simply, punishment is not effective parenting, and it sabotages your child's development.
Worried about what you'll do without the threat of Consequences to keep your child cooperating? Next time your child refuses your guidance and you find yourself about to blurt out a threat, try one of these responses instead.
1. Let your child solve it. "You haven't brushed your teeth yet and I want to be sure we have time for a story. What can we do?" It's amazing how children step into responsibility when we offer it. They love to help, and to solve puzzles. Sometimes they just need a little respect.
2. Partner for Win/win solutions. If your child doesn't offer a solution that works for you, explain why and help her come up with one. "You think you should just skip brushing teeth tonight? Hmm...that doesn't work for me because your poor teeth would stay germy and they could get little holes in them. What else could we do to get your teeth brushed and time for a story? Want to put your pjs on, and then brush?" Once your child believes that you're serious about win/win solutions, she's much more likely to work with you to find a solution that works for everyone.
3. Invite cooperation with your phrasing. Consider the difference in these approaches:
"Go brush your teeth now." - Since no one likes to be told what to do, a direct order like this often invites resistance, either direct or in the form of stalling.
"Can you go brush your teeth now?" - Many kids will reflect on this and just say No. Don't phrase your request in the form of a yes or no question unless you're willing to accept No for an answer.
"Do you want to brush your teeth now, or after you put your PJs on?" - This strategy works because you’re extending your child the respect of giving him some control, at the same time that you retain the responsibility of making the decisions you need to as his parent. Only offer options you can live with, of course.
"You may brush your teeth now." - Almost sounds like a privilege, doesn't it? This is a command, but a respectful one. Works especially well with kids who are over-stimulated by bedtime and overwhelmed by choices.
4. Ask for a Do-over. "Oops. I told you to brush your teeth and you ignored me and then I started to yell. I'm sorry. Let's try a do-over." This is a great way to interrupt things when you're headed down a bad road. Get down on your child's level and make a warm connection. Look in her eyes. Touch her. "Ok, let's try this again, Sweetie. It's teeth brushing time! How can we work as a team here to get your teeth brushed?"
5. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
- Think about what usually triggers problems for your child and take pre-emptive action.
- Give ample warning before transitions
- Always leave extra time to get anything done.
- Sidestep power struggles and give her as much control over her life as possible so she doesn't need to rebel.
6. When your child defies you, focus on the relationship, rather than on discipline. A good relationship is your foundation; guidance doesn't work without it because your child stops caring about pleasing you. A child who is rude is either very upset, or expressing her need for a better relationship with you. In either case, "consequences" will make the situation worse. I'm not suggesting you put up with rudeness, just that you see it as a red flag to do some repair work on the relationship.
7. Make sure your expectations are age-appropriate.
- A one year old needs a baby-proofed house, not to learn by consequences how to leave the DVD player alone.
- A four year old needs your help to get through the bedtime routine, not to lose reading time with you when he gets distracted and dawdles.
- A ten year old needs your help to make the homework routine into a habit that works for him, not to lose his TV privileges. (Although letting kids watch TV during the week will almost certainly lower their grades. But that's a lifestyle choice, not a punishment.)
8. Get to the root of the problem. Sometimes when kids defy us, they are asking for help with their emotions. You'll know this is happening when your child seems unhappy and is making you unhappy; when whatever you try just doesn't work. At those times, your child is showing you that he has some big feelings he needs to express, and he needs your help. He may be angry, or afraid, or sad. He may need to rage, or shake, or cry. So if you set a limit and your child defies you, forget about punishment and consequences. This is a red flag that he needs your help. Move in close, restate your limit, and let him have his meltdown. (For more info on how to do help your child with his feelings, click here.) After your child gets a chance to dissolve that hard knot of unhappy emotion, you'll find him completely cooperative.
9. Engage the brain. When humans are upset, our
brains don't work as well because "fight or flight" takes over and
thinking stops. Start by taking a deep breath and calming your own
emotions. Then connect warmly with your child to restore her ability to
think. Then invite her brain to engage by helping her understand
what's happening:
"You are so upset. You were having so much fun playing with Daddy. Then he told you to go brush your teeth. You were mad, right? ...... Then Daddy said No story tonight. Right? .... Now you are sad and mad.... I am right here. I love you. Daddy loves you. Daddy was upset, too, but now he is here to hug you. ... Let's find a way that we can all have a good evening and feel good when we tuck you in to bed. Maybe we all need a Do-Over?"
This builds emotional intelligence in your child--and in your partner. And even if it doesn't get you all on the same page, at least it gets you into the same book!
10. Use natural consequences. I'm not suggesting that you move heaven and earth to protect your child from the natural outcome of his choices. We all need to learn lessons, and if your child can do so without too much damage, life is a great teacher. (Meaning, you won't let him get a concussion to teach him to wear his bike helmet.) But you'll want to make sure these are actually "natural" consequences that your child doesn't perceive as punishment so they don't trigger all the negative effects of punishment. What's more, you'll want to be sure that your child is convinced that you aren't orchestrating the consequence and are firmly on his side, so you don't undermine your relationship with him. Consider the difference in these approaches:
"Of course I will bring your lunch to the school, Sweetie. I don't want you to be hungry. But try to remember it tomorrow. " - Child may or may not remember his lunch tomorrow. There is no harm in doing this once or even twice, if you can do it easily. We all have forgotten things like lunches, and it is not a sign that your child will be irresponsible for life. But it is a signal that you need to help your child with self-organization strategies.
"I'm certainly not going to drop everything to bring you your lunch. I hope this will teach you a lesson." - Child will probably learn to remember his lunch. BUT he concludes that parent doesn't care about him, and becomes less cooperative at home.
"Ok, I will bring your lunch but this is absolutely the last time. You would forget your head if it weren't glued on and don't expect me to always drop everything to bail you out." - Child does not learn to remember lunch but does learn that he is a forgetful person who irritates his parent. In the future, he acts in accordance with this expectation.
"I'm so sorry you forgot your lunch, Sweetie, but it just doesn't work for me to bring it to you. I hope you won't starve and I will have a snack waiting when you get home." - Child learns to remember lunch AND feels cared about AND self image stays intact.
Retraining yourself can be tough. But as Becky says, just throw the word "consequences" out of your vocabulary and replace it with "problem-solving." You'll be amazed at the miracles you can make.
For more on why Consequences aren't effective parenting, see The truth about consequences.
And for more info on putting Positive Parenting to work at your house, check out the section on this website called How to Use Positive Guidance.
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dinner with the family is part of the rules, I said "Sam, we have a problem. Your body needs food to grow and build muscles, but you don't want to eat and would rather play cars. Hmmm, what can we do to solve this problem?" He looked at me and said "I could
take some thank you bites of my food so my body can grow and I can play cars after." I said "That is a great solution! What an awesome problem solver you are! HIGH FIVE!" It worked at bath time too! I have been using a lot of the advice you give to help him
(and I) through his "Big Feelings" and have found him to be more cooperative and even more spontaeneously affectionate with me and others. Thank you so much! A Grateful Mama, Gabbi
fact that a child needs to obey because you are his parent? I'm not going to apologize to my child for their disobedience, I'm not going to say "I'm sorry I'm upset that you're not obeying". These "solutions" address only consequences, but do not address responsibility.
After a child is old enough to understand the reverse psychology at play here, none of this will work. There are always situations where the child must work things out logically in his or her mind, for example a bad grade on homework because they didn't want
to apply themselves (a parent can make a child do their homework but cannot make them apply themselves), but just the same there are situations where punishment is called for and is not negative. My son, for instance, had a very bad lying and stealing streak
going on. I sat down and talked it out with him and got lots of good responses from him, then the next day at school he did the same thing. We had another talk, and I added an ultimatum: do it again and you will be grounded. He did it again and got grounded.
The next day he repeated the behavior and the grounding was extended, then when he continued to repeat the same thing the list of punishment kept getting longer and longer (grounding + writing + chores + etc.). It took three months and the prospect of losing
Christmas for him to get the picture, but when he did he changed completely. Now, out of all three of my kids, he is the only one who will tell me the truth no matter how bad it is, because he knows that I'm serious about dealing out punishments for disobedience.
The whole point is that while these ideas are good, they only address one part of the issue. A child needs to learn that the consequences of his or her actions are the direct result of those actions, and if those consequences are "unnatural" I don't see the
problem. If I tell my child, "You know better than to take things that don't belong to you, and if you do it again you will be grounded for a month", and she does it again, it's her own fault. I don't want her to have the natural consequence for stealing (which
in this world would be jail or juvvy) so instead I implement synthetic consequences. That's what parenting is all about!
for win/win solutions, Natural consequences, etc. This approach works because it convinces kids you're on their side so they never need to lie to you, and they WANT to behave. Because they aren't punished, they don't see discipline as outside them, but inside
them -- so they become self-disciplined at an early age and they are self-motivated at school and in everything else.
So when you never start punishing, you never need to punish, and you raise great kids. I speak from experience with my own kids, and from watching many other families. There's lots on this website about how to apply these ideas to older kids.
responsibility. Unless someone is physically incapable, then "I can't" is not a true statement. Instead, replace it with a loving "I won't" ("I'm so sorry you forgot your lunch, Sweetie, but I just won't be bringing it to you.) shows that there is still a
choice.
"It doesn't work for me to bring it to you" rather than "I won't be bringing it to you" because it feels a bit less arbitrary, like you aren't just making your child's life difficult. Obviously, we don't have to explain ourselves. But I think our child can
better hear that it doesn't work for us than that we "just won't bring it" which can be interpreted as lack of caring. Thanks for alerting me to this, I really appreciate it.
Or, if they ask you if you want their spit, to which you say no, and explain that it isn't nice, and that it is gross, and ask them if they would like it, etc. and they still put spit on you?
their teeth? The answer is to play. No toddler can resist play. It allows them to assert their will but also allows you to get what you want.
1. Make toothbrushing into a game your toddler can't resist. Here's how: http://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/how-to-get-toddler-to-brush-teeth
2. Protect the dog while you set the limit. Here's how: http://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/helping-3-year-old-express-his-feelings-so-he-can-manage-them
3. When your toddler asks if you want their spit, he is asking what's appropriate to do with spit. He is also trying to figure out the whole concept of disgust, which does not exist in babies and is just starting to form in toddlers. You don't want him to think
his body or anything it does is gross. When you tell him that his spit is disgusting, he worries that HE is gross and that you might not love him. You can wholly accept him and his spit without letting him put it on you. When he asks if you want his spit,
playfully answer, "Spit stays with the person whose spit it is, so you keep your spit and I'll keep mine." Then, give your toddler opportunities to play with and explore their spit and "put it on" something that isn't you. Go outside and have a spitting contest.
Joke and have fun. Let her smear her spit on a rock to her heart's content.
Most of all, enjoy your toddler. This is your opportunity to live and teach unconditional love so your toddler accepts him or herself unconditionally (even while learning that some things are not ok, like spitting on people or hurting the dog). If we all do
this, everyone walking around will be full of love. Can you imagine what a wonderful world that would be?