Parenting Blog

"Dr. Laura....I would never spank my child.  But I don't want to let her get away with bad behavior, either.  How do I make sure she learns how to behave?"-- Ingrid

All of us want to raise children who become considerate, responsible, self-disciplined, happy adults.  The only question is how best to do that.  Luckily, we know the answer.  Research studies have been following children for decades, and we already know what works and what doesn't to raise great kids. 

1. Children learn what they live.  This is simple.  If we're considerate and respectful to them, they become respectful, considerate people.  Kids who are rude and disrespectful learned it somewhere; if they bring it into the house and we politely remind them that we don't relate that way, they don't adopt that style.  If we yell at them, they learn to yell, and they'll be yelling back at us by the time they're ten.

2. Children require a close relationship with their parents as a foundation for blossoming into the world.  That bond is what motivates them to cooperate and to accept their parents' recommendations and rules.  Without that bond, parents lose their influence as soon as children begin interacting with peers, because kids are looking to satisfy that unrequited love with their peers.

3. Children need to be able to "self-soothe" to manage their behavior; and they only learn to self-soothe by being soothed by parents. Leaving babies and children alone with their big emotions does NOT teach them to self-soothe; it undermines their neural development and makes them more anxious for life. Parental soothing is what helps little ones develop the neural pathways to soothe themselves. That self-soothing is essential for children to manage their anxiety, emotions and behavior.  Children who are explosive, anxious, or "dramatic" need extra support in the form of parental calming (as well as venting emotions, see #5 below).

4. Children learn self discipline from limits with empathy.  Kids who are raised with no limits don't internalize any, so they don't necessarily learn to be considerate of others or to manage themselves through unpleasant tasks -- which is why permissive parenting can raise undisciplined kids. (For more on why permissive parenting doesn't work.)

BUT -- and this is a big BUT -- if the limits are imposed in a way that provokes resistance ("Don't you sass me, young lady!"), the child does not learn self discipline, because he does not internally accept the limit.  Instead, he rails against it, either internally or externally.  So when a limit is perceived as harsh or unfair, kids don't actually learn self-discipline, which is why authoritarian parenting raises angry, rebellious kids who ultimately can't manage themselves without outside discipline. ALL punishment undermines self-discipline.  (Did you really think he was sitting on the naughty step taking responsibility and considering how to be a better kid?  He was reviewing why he was justified in his behavior and plotting revenge, like any normal human!) (For more on why strict parenting doesn't work.)

When limits are imposed with empathy ("You're so mad, but shoes are not for throwing"), kids may not like the limit, but they don't get stuck in resistance.  They feel understood, supported, connected.  That connection makes them willing to live with the limit, especially if parents also accept their upset about the limit. She learns that she can't always get her way, but she gets something better: someone who loves and accepts the full range of who she is. This unconditional positive regard becomes the core of unshakable positive self esteem and stable internal happiness.  (For more on setting limits with empathy.)

5.  Children can only manage their behavior when they can manage their emotions, and they learn to manage their emotions by having parents who accept their emotions, even while limiting actions as necessary.  Human emotions need to be felt so they dissipate and leave us; feelings that are repressed pop out uncontrolled and cause "bad" behavior.  But children need to feel safe to experience their big emotions and let them go.  Kids who are uncooperative, angry or fearful are signaling that they need us to "witness" their feelings by letting them cry or rage in our loving presence.  Children who are allowed to release this way are sunny and cooperative, and learn to understand, accept and manage their own emotions. 

So, to answer Ingrid, our child already knows exactly how to behave. They learn it every day they live with us, both from what we model ("Thank you for the present, Aunt Susan" or "That *#@*! just cut me off in traffic") and from what we teach ("Let's wait our turn for the slide" or "I'll teach you to hit your sister, take that!").  Our job as parents is to give her the tools to manage her emotions, so she can behave in the best way she knows. 

And that's how you raise amazing kids.