Parenting Blog

Dr. Laura...You suggest setting a limit with empathy and then when our child has a tantrum in response, staying connected.  I have been doing this with my three year old, and it does make things much better, meaning she has fewer tantrums now. But sometimes I just don't have time for this. What about when I need to get out the door with her and she won't put her shoes on? I don't always have time for her feelings. How do I avoid the power struggle?"-  Kristin

It's true, we don't always have time to help our child with her big feelings.  That's why it's so important that when we do have the time and energy to help our child with what's bothering her, we do it.  Special Time works magic because it offers children the regular opportunity to "unpack" all those sad, scared feelings they've been stuffing in their (figurative) backpacks, which will otherwise spill out as contrary behavior. Think of that as preventive maintenance.

Power struggles take two people, so it is possible to sidestep and avoid them, simply by not engaging.  This will take an attitude shift from you, of course.  In each case, start by asking yourself if it really matters.  Maybe you could just bring her shoes and let her go barefoot?  But let's say it's cold and wet, and you really want her to wear her shoes. Sure, you could force her, but she will just be more contrary later. 

The number of ways you can sidestep a power struggle are limited only by your imagination.  You could try:

Invitation to play:  "No shoes?  How will you skip?  I was hoping to skip with you to the car!"

Ask for her help to solve the problem: "Sweetie, we have a problem.  We have to leave right now; it's cold and wet outside; and you don't have your shoes on yet.  What should we do?"  Most kids can't resist being the problem-solver.

Competition:  "I bet I can get my shoes on faster than you can...Let's race!...1, 2, 3, GO!"

Give her something to move toward: "In the car, do you want to play that game where we make the lights turn green by counting? Ok, quick, let's get your shoes on so we can go!"

Empower with Choice:  "Sweetie, you need shoes, it's wet outside.  Do you want to wear your sneakers or your boots?  Ok, boots, let's get them on."

Connection:  "I think those toes need kissing before they can go into those shoes, that's the problem....I'm kissing all those toes....1,2,3,4,5...what delicious toes! Oh, they're talking to me...they're saying 'Put me in my shoe! Ok, in they go...Now the other foot!"

Trigger Autonomy:"You can't put your shoes on yourself, can you?  NO?  Really?  I don't believe it! WOW!  You can! Look at you putting on your own shoes!"

You'll notice we have to be in a good mood to try any of these approaches.  But if we can keep our own equilibrium, and stay calm and connected with our child, we can usually help her shift into a more cooperative state.  Which is why whatever time we put into keeping our own cup full always gets us out the door faster.