Parenting Blog

"The main difference between a master and a beginner is that the master practices more." -- Yasha Heifetz, Master Violinist

You've probably noticed that things work better with your kids when you're in a good mood. At least half of the time when we get irritated, annoyed, impatient, or frustrated at our kids, it's because we're already feeling unhappy.  Then there's a spark, our bad mood flares, and before we know it we're in the middle of a firestorm.

The other half of the time our anger is "justified" in the sense that  our kids may well act in ways that trigger us.  But that's only true if we see ourselves in opposition to our child.  The truth is, we're on the same side.  Our job is to nurture and guide, theirs is to grow and learn.  We're not really raising children -- we're raising adults.  If we can take that long view, we're more likely to remember that when our kids trigger us, we have an opportunity to teach them many things. 

Like how to regulate themselves emotionally. 

Guess how they learn that?  From us.  Children don't have the neural pathways to calm their own turbulent feelings.  Everything seems like an emergency to them.  But when we stay calm in the face of their upsets, they calm down too -- and their bodies learn from that experience how to calm their stormy emotions. That's how those neural pathways develop.

So our child is counting on us to de-escalate the situation, because he can't.  If we can see things from his perspective,  and stay calm, he'll learn emotional self-regulation that will last for the rest of his life.

That's the trick, of course.  Most of us are still working on the "staying calm" part. Welcome to humanity.
 
But there’s really no magic in staying centered.  It’s just practice.
So each and every time you find yourself yelling, just stop.  In mid-sentence, if you have to. 
Pick yourself up.  
And any pieces you may have broken around you
...and start again.

Embrace yourself with love.
That’s always the place to start.
Soak in your own love, forgiveness, self-acceptance.
You are more than enough, just the way you are.
Just keep stopping yourself when you're on the low road, and move yourself to the high road.
This is what they mean by putting on your own oxygen mask first.
Then go hug your kids.

How can you stay calm? 
The same way you get to Carnegie Hall --
Practice, Practice, Practice.
Breathe...