Parenting Blog

"Perfection is the lowest standard any human can have." -- Heather Forbes

"Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past could have been any different." -- Oprah

Today is Step One of Ten Steps to Unconditional Love:

Forgive yourself for being human and therefore imperfect.

Unconditional love means dropping that list of ways you need to be different before you're good enough in your own eyes.  Perfection is the lowest standard anyone can have.  We aren't going for perfect. We're going for love!

Here's how:

1. Become a recovering perfectionist.  Guess what?  You aren't perfect. You never will be. You're human. But don't worry, the goal is not perfection.  The goal is expanding your heart, creating more love in the world.

Trying to be perfect doesn't get you closer to perfect.  It pushes you away from love. 

 If you recorded the chatter in your mind, you'd think you were supposed to be perfect:  "That was dumb... Now you've done it....I'm an idiot....I'm so fat....I'm just not good enough....I just know she'll be mad at me for this....I'll never be able to do this...I should have known better..."

Give up on perfection.  Forgive yourself for being human.  Heck, APPLAUD yourself for being human and live as fully as you can.  That means you'll make mistakes. They aren't mistakes if you grow from them and solve any problems you create.

2. Change your internal chatter to support and reassure yourself.  As Anne Lamott says, "Take yourself through the day as you would your most beloved mental-patient relative, with great humor and lots of small treats."  I personally swear by this approach.

Every time you notice self-criticism, remind yourself that your goal isn’t perfection.  Your goal is loving yourself and others.

"Nobody bats 1000....I am more than enough....You can handle this....Practice makes perfect...I learn something every day... Easy does it...This too shall pass....I love you." 

Transform that inner critic into your own fairy godmother.


3. When your mind starts catastrophizing, change course.  Unfortunately, our minds are programmed not to keep us happy, but to keep us safe, so they worry constantly and find fault with everything. Our minds WANT us to stay on our toes and keep striving, so they keep us in fear that we aren't good enough and are making a mess of things. 

The only way to stop this vicious cycle is to notice it, correct the mis-statements, and retrain your mind:   "Don't worry, it will be ok in the end.....I am more than enough...I don't have to be perfect...My child is getting better parenting than I got, LOL; he will be ok....I don't have to know what to do, I just have to love him through it....I can trust my instincts....Love never fails."
 

4. Choose love.  If you pay attention, you'll notice that life holds constant choices.  Should you be harsh with your child because you're frightened that if you aren't, he won't learn?  Should you point out to your spouse that you were right?  Should you let yourself stop cleaning and take a bubble bath?  At core, every choice is between love and fear.  Choose love as often as you can. Your life is the sum of your choices.  You'll make bad ones, sure.  But you can always turn your ratio around.

5. Forgive Yourself.  Ok, you made a mistake.  That's not because you stopped striving for perfection, it's because you're human.  We all make them, all the time.  Can you still have a happy, responsible, fabulous life and be a good parent?  YES! 

The key is to forgive yourself.  If you don't make a habit of accepting your imperfections graciously, you'll find you resist admitting them, which is a heavy burden for your child.  Your child doesn't need a perfect parent.  What your child needs is a role model for how to graciously acknowledge when we miss the mark, how to apologize, and how to make amends.
 

6. Make Reparations.  Ok, so you're mature enough to see that you made a mistake and you've created a problem.  What a terrific role model you are for your child!  Focus on solving the problem you've created, not on blame and guilt.  As long as you can forgive yourself, you'll be find a way to repair those little rifts with your child, a way that strengthens your relationship.
 

7. When you notice you're criticizing yourself, change gears and find something you appreciate about yourself.  Appreciation is the antidote to shame and guilt.  It keeps your mind on a positive track and gives you access to more love.

Nothing to be grateful for?   Start with "even though" if you need to. "Even though I sometimes get annoyed at myself, I deeply love and accept myself.....Even though I sometimes lose my temper, I love it when I can be patient with my child.....I am good enough just the way I am...I appreciate my own hard work...I love my body's strength and energy....Even though I am tired at the end of the day, I am so grateful I have my kids, my home, my health, and a bed to sleep in."

8. Try a forgiveness practice.  We all judge ourselves harshly.  A forgiveness practice can heal that tendency, help us to atone for times we've missed the mark, and increase our compassion for ourselves.  Every religion and wisdom tradition has one.  My personal favorite is the Hawaiian Ho'oponopono prayer:

I am sorry...Please forgive me... I love you... I thank you.

Try repeating this prayer to yourself for very deep healing.  Try speaking it to anyone in your past or present who occurs to you, even if you aren't quite sure what you are asking forgiveness for.  You don't have to think about it consciously.  Just see it as repairing any damage.  Speaking from experience, using this little mantra for a few minutes daily is very powerful.

If you fill yourself with love, it can't help but overflow to everyone around you. Go ahead.  Nurture yourself with infinite tenderness.  Let your heart stretch past its boundaries.  There is nothing you need to change or do to deserve love. You're already more than enough, just the way you are.

Repeat daily. Watch your life transform. Watch the way you relate to your child transform.