Parenting Blog

"Instead of resisting any emotion, the best way to dispel it is to enter it fully, embrace it and see through your resistance." - Deepak Chopra

"Today I will let myself feel what I am feeling and let my children feel what they are feeling....I'll pay attention to what each of us is feeling and give those feelings some respect and space. There's nothing so bad about them; they are only feelings and need not threaten me." -- Tian Dayton

Are your feelings dangerous?  Never.  But most of us are afraid of our strong feelings.  And we're afraid of our children's feelings. Why?

Because the power of our emotions can be overwhelming.  We all know what it feels like to want to strangle someone.  And because so often when we act on our feelings we do things we're sorry for later, whether that's smacking our child, screaming something hurtful at our spouse, or throwing a "tantrum" at the office. 

But it isn't the feelings that are dangerous.  What's dangerous is believing the thoughts that go along with them, and acting on those thoughts. 

When we leap into immediate action based on our feelings, we're often sorry. In fact, most of the time when we're upset, the action we take is designed only to alleviate our upsetting feelings.  It's often exactly the wrong thing to do to change what's causing the upset. At the moment, though, we can't tolerate our feelings, so we lash out.  Then, we justify our action, blaming the other person for "making" us feel that way.  Meanwhile, we've made the situation worse and increased the probability of a repeat scenario.

So, should we repress our emotions?  You may have noticed that doesn't work. The feelings are real, whether we feel disrespected by our child, betrayed by our spouse, or taken for granted by our boss.  The other person doesn't "cause" the feelings of course; they're ours, and they're triggered by our own interpretations.  But the feelings are a real event in our bodies, complete with fight or flight hormones.  When we stuff our feelings down rather than acknowledging them, we carry them around like a boiling pot.  We make ourselves sick and tired.  Our feelings often burst out unbidden and we find ourselves out of control. 

Luckily, there is a solution, and it's the key to healthy emotional self management. Here's the short version: 

Honor your feelings by acknowledging them, but don't act on them while you're feeling them. 

How?

1. Allow all feelings, yours and your child's.  Notice them.  Accept them. Acknowledge them as just part of being human.
2. Limit the actions suggested by strong feelings.  Just because your kid is allowed to be jealous of the baby doesn't mean he can hit her. Just because you're allowed to be be fed up with your two year old doesn't mean you scream at her.
3. Notice that feelings come and go.  The fact that you're feeling something doesn't mean you'll be feeling it tomorrow.  Don't get attached. You are not your feelings. 
4. Don't take feelings personally.  Just because your child is expressing anger at you doesn't mean her anger has anything to do with you.  Just because you're mad at your spouse doesn't mean your spouse is wrong.  Nobody has to be wrong.
5. Notice the more vulnerable emotions that trigger your anger.  When we're sad, hurt, or disappointed, we often find it so hard to tolerate those feelings that we get angry.  We smack our kid, or blame our spouse, or attack our colleague. 
6. Resist the urge to act on your feelings until after you calm down. Yelling at your child is never a good solution, because your child gets defensive and less cooperative. (When your child feels worse, he acts worse.)  If divorcing your spouse or quitting your job is a good solution, it will still look good next week when you're calm. 
7. Notice that while the feelings are real, the conclusions we draw from them in the heat of the moment are almost never true:  My spouse doesn't love me.  My boss will never reward my hard work.  My child will be an axe murderer.
8. Notice that when you just sit with your emotions, breathing, tolerating them, letting them sweep through you, they dissipate.  That's how you set yourself free.
9. Instead of acting on your feelings, use them as information to make decisions once you're calm again.  Maybe the solution isn't to sell your child into slavery but to start earlier on the bedtime routine or to begin getting more sleep yourself.
10. Remember that the emotional hijacking of the "fight, flight or freeze" response is never a good time to work through a difficult issue with someone else.  When things heat up, always start by helping everyone calm down.  Then, explore how to avoid a repeat scenario. Your intervention is either part of the solution, or increases the problem.

You're the role model for your child on how to regulate emotions. Your example is what teaches your child that emotions are just part of being human, and can be managed. Listen to them, but don't give them more power than they deserve.  They're only feelings, after all.

Want more support in working with emotions -- yours and your child's?  Join me for a call with Patty Wipfler of Hand-in-Hand.org, on Thursday November 17, at 6pm PT/9pm ET.  To register, go to the Hand in Handwebsite.