Parenting Blog

"Children learn what they live." --Dorothy Law Nolte

Today we're exploring the fourth commitment of "10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!"  (You can find details on the earlier commitments on my blog.)

 Commit to role-modeling RESPECT.

Want to raise kids who are considerate and respectful, right through the teen years?  Take a deep breath, and speak to them respectfully.  Not always easy when you’re angry, so remember the cardinal rules of managing your emotions with kids:  You’re the role model, don’t take it personally, and this too shall pass!

Should you strategically ignore mouthy behavior, from a toddler or a tween? Never.  But that doesn't mean you "crack down" with discipline, either, because that erodes your relationship with your child and makes disrespectful behavior even more likely. 

What's effective is to calmly and kindly re-establish the standard for respect, while offering the understanding that your child is obviously upset to speak like this, and as always you're there to support him.  Here's the three step strategy.

1. Monitor your own language and model respect and kindness in every interaction with your child.  If you find yourself criticizing or yelling, bite your tongue. If you need to set limits, wait until you can speak calmly and respectfully.

2. Strengthen your relationship with your child by looking for every opportunity to positively connect.  Kids think twice about hurting the feelings of parents they feel connected to.  Be sure you spend at least 15 minutes alone with each child every day, giving him your focused, positive attention. If your child lashes out at you, that's a symptom of pain that you want to address.

3. When your child speaks disrespectfully, calmly confront the behavior and re-set a clear expectation for respectful behavior while staying warmly connected to your child. Say in the kindest voice you can manage:  "Wow, your tone of voice hurts. You must be very upset to speak to me that way. That's not like you. You know I don't speak to you in that tone.  Want to tell me what's upsetting you?"  Or, if you know already, "I'm hearing that you're very angry at me right now.  I hear how much you wish I would say yes to what you're wanting. Let's talk about this when we're both more calm."

Of course, if you've been speaking to your child in a disrespectul tone (and yes, that includes yelling), this only works if you resolve now to stop.  Just start catching yourself in the middle of yelling, and closing your mouth.  Walk out of the room if you need to ("I'm sorry I'm yelling.  I don't want us to speak to each other this way.  I need to take a few minutes to calm down and then we'll try again.")

Notice that we're teaching kids how to be in relationship with another person.  If we ignore their disrespect, we teach them it's ok to treat others that way.  If we react disrespectfully to their rudeness, we role model disrespectful behavior and insure that it will continue. 

If, instead, we greet their upset with kindness and caring, it immediately de-escalates the situation and highlights their rudeness as inappropriate.  Once kids get used to being treated this way, they usually calm down quickly and offer an unprompted apology.

Sound hard? Yes. This is the hardest stuff there is -- managing our own unruly emotions so that we can coach our kids on how to handle theirs.  But my experience is that any parent can make this transition and change the tone in their house to one of respect and warmth. And that's a miracle worth creating.