Parenting Blog

This week’s Aha Moment was triggered by the interview on my radio show with Peggy O’Mara, the editor and publisher of Mothering Magazine.  She said that she completely endorses the basic principles of what’s usually called Attachment parenting, but the name pushes everyone’s buttons.  She hates that parenting that’s instinctive and natural to all of us should need a name.

“There does seem to be a backlash against Attachment Parenting,” I agreed.  “Why do you think that is?”

Peggy’s answer? “I think it’s because we set these high expectations for moms to deliver their babies without medication, to be attentive to their babies’ cries, to breastfeed, to hold their babies a lot – all of which of course are good for the baby.  But then, we give moms no support."  

"We all know that moms who go back to work often can’t keep breastfeeding.  We all know moms who wanted to deliver without medication but ended up having C sections.  The C section might have been medically necessary, or it might have been unwarranted, as most of them are, but asking for a natural birth at a conventional hospital is like asking for a hamburger at a sushi restaurant.  When we set a certain standard for mothering and then we essentially prevent women from meeting that standard, can you blame them for reacting angrily?”

I think this explains more than the backlash against Attachment Parenting. It goes a long way toward explaining all the animosity I hear from Moms toward other moms.  You know what I mean by animosity.  The mother wars.  And it isn’t just moms who stay home and moms who work who are criticizing each other.  It seems that anyone who parents differently than we do is fair game to beat up on.  

I agree with the writer Ayelet Waldman, who says that all mothers feel like we aren’t good enough.  To make ourselves feel better, we criticize other mothers.  It’s like there’s a continuum of bad moms to good moms. To reinforce our position higher on the continuum, we have to make other moms bad.  Waldman says that also explains our fascination as a society with moms who blow it big time, like Britney Spears, and even moms who kill their kids.  I may not be perfect, but I’m a lot closer to perfect than I am to Britney Spears, and even she wouldn’t kill her kids.  

So my Aha Moment?  Peggy O’Mara's comment made me realize just how much all mothers have been set up.  Think about it.  In pioneer days, Moms were just trying to get food on the table and keep the kids alive long enough for them to grow up.  I’m sure there were women who were considered less than moral because they drank or had sex with men they weren’t married to. But the standard for what was a good mother had to be different than it is now, because so many wonderful moms couldn’t even keep their kids alive.

Nowadays, the gold standard for mothers is through the roof.  There really is no way a mom can do what mothers are expected to do.  Most women have to work outside the home to pay the bills. A whole lot of women are raising children by themselves.  And even if a woman has the luxury of being home raising her kids while they’re little, she’s expected to not only be a perfect mom, but to make cupcakes for the classroom and run a perfect household, not to mention volunteer in her community.

Before you shrug this off, think about our standards for Dads. They’re expected to provide financially and go to soccer games on Saturdays.  Maybe teach their kids to ride a bike and drive a car.  Now, I’m not trying to attack Dads, and I know plenty of them who are 100% involved in their kids’ lives.  I’m just pointing out that those Dads are considered to be fantastic fathers, which shows how unreasonable our standards for moms are. When did you last hear that someone was  fantastic mother?

The second Aha moment for me was when I realized that all those women attacking each other for not being the same kind of mom they are, are just trying to make their own mothering ok.

So here’s my plea.  Let’s give ourselves, and each other, some credit.  Give yourself a huge pat on the back for being the heroine you are in raising your kid.  Give the next mom you see a huge smile.  And next time you find yourself criticizing another mom, or another parenting style, just close your mouth. Remind yourself you haven’t walked a mile in her shoes.