Parenting Blog

“I was raised never talking back to my parents. I once won a second prize in a history concert.  My parents came to the ceremony. Somebody else had won the prize for best all-around student. Afterwards my father said to me, 'Never, ever disgrace me like that again.' When I tell my western friends they are aghast. But I adore my father.  It didn't knock my self-esteem at all....The solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child.  The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it.” -- Amy Chua

Does being told we've disgraced our parents by earning second prize hurt? Yes, it hurts so much we need to deny the pain.  But pain needs expression to heal.  It doesn't go away.  It worms its way out in the way we treat ourselves and others.  If we've been kicked, we kick the dog.  If we've been shamed, we shame our children.

So Amy Chua is just plain wrong about shame helping people improve.  Shame crumples us.  Love helps us get up and try again. 

But here's where Chua is right. Self Esteem does ultimately depend on real accomplishment. Telling kids we love them is necessary, but not sufficient, to develop self-esteem. Here's why.

Step One of helping your child build healthy self esteem is your unconditional love, from which your child internalizes a sense of his own value.  This solid core of self-love, or "stable internal happiness," allows him to tackle normal developmental challenges and the frustrations that accompany mastering any new skill.  (Notice it's unconditional love that makes this possible.  That's diametrically opposed to Chua's idea of love, which was to throw her four year old's birthday card back in her face because it didn't show enough "effort.")

But Step Two is when your child actually accomplishes things he can be proud of, whether it's learning to turn on the light switch or bringing home a terrific report card. That's secondary self-esteem, and it's critically important to feeling good about ourselves and our lives.

We all want our children to know they have intrinsic value as human beings, not because of what they accomplish, but merely because of who they are.  But who are they?  Children evaluate who they are by what they do, how they interact with their world.  And all humans find themselves tested by their environments.  All of us have tasks to master throughout our lives, growth that is demanded of us, practice and training and hurdles and tests. That's what shapes who we are, what brings our selves into expression.

So Amy Chua did get it half-right.  Secondary self esteem comes from the pride of knowing, deep inside, that if we work hard at something, we can accomplish something worth accomplishing: that we have what it takes to bring our dreams into reality.  Ultimately, self esteem depends on real accomplishment. 

But here's the part Chua missed. All learning and achievement is ultimately built on the positive feeling about ourselves that comes from unconditional love, because only kids who feel worthy (rather than ashamed) have the confidence to tackle and master hard things. 

Sure, the threat of having their stuffed animals burned may motivate them to try harder temporarily, but eventually they give up.  By the age of 13, writes Chua, "[Lulu] wore a constant apathetic look on her face, and every other word out of her mouth was 'no' or 'I don't care'."

And then there's the question of sustainability.  What happens when you aren't around? Either they rebel and accomplish nothing, or they treat themselves as mercilessly as you treated them, leading to a lifetime of misery. Not so good for either achievement or self esteem.  

Shame and unconditional love are diametrically opposed -- one says you aren't good enough, while the other says you are always more than enough.

Even becoming a professor at one of the best Law Schools in the country wasn't enough to melt away Amy Chua's childhood shame; that's why she had to visit it on her children and call them "Garbage."  She may have gotten it half-right -- self esteem ultimately depends on achievement -- but the methodology of shaming completely undermines the child's ability to draw self-esteem from his achievements. When we carry shame around, even the highest level of accomplishment can never be sufficient to convince us that we're good enough.